Still sick...

I am not feeling well at all and mostly stay in bed. I don’t want to go anywhere when ill. We did manage to get out for fun on Saturday. We went to New York City to see Santa at my FIL’s old firehouse. I thought we were just going to see Santa, stay awhile and go. There was more to it though and so was an entire party with toms of food, a hired carriage that took us around the block for free. It was hired by the fire house for three hours so all could take a ride, and was defiantly used. Greg had never been on a carriage so it was special for him. This was more of a cart than a carriage and was very fun. They also had a choir and a magician that was entertaining. The children had al lot of fun. Also my FIL was just grinning from ear to ear. I have never seen him so happy before. Usually it is hard to say what he is feeling and Greg has to translate to me, but I knew how much fun he was having. Also he grew up in the neighborhood and pointed out where he lived as a child (building gone though) and when he was first married (building still there). We were supposed to go to my brothers after but it ended later than we thought and the roads were so bad we skipped that party. Also my brother said it was going to break up before we got there so we just went home. Probably better in the long run with the bad roads.

Sunday we stayed at home as the storm made driving bad. I just will not go out with the children when the roads are bad. Nothing is worth it. We can make do with what we have here, and I know god does not want us to risk our children’s future to go to mass. I worked with Developmentally Disabled adults that became that way after a car accident as a small child, so I know first hand what can go wrong. Sad thing is they also knew they were normal before the accidents and are angry that it happened. So I stay at home in bad weather.

Lara once again put up a fuss about going to school today. She only has a full day today and a half day tomorrow, but she doesn’t even want to do that. Her behavior is getting worse. She now even poops in her pants on the weekend whether she is in a pull up or underwear. She has a lot more baby noises now too. All of this just points to Asperger’s to me as I dealt with that when I worked with the developmentally disabled adults. I just don’t know what to do. On one hand I do not want to baby her, but on the other I do not want to be too hard on her either. I have to walk a fine line.

Anthony is doing well. He is building all kinds of elaborate roads and buildings with his Lego’s. He made a building yesterday that looks like the Empire State building. We have seen Elf a few times this past week and so I think he got it from the movie. I was impressed of how well he did it. He was playing on a piano on Saturday at the party and sounding fairly well. He might have a knack for music and so I will take down my old organ and let him at it. We try not to praise him too much as Lara gets jealous.

Greg is OK. He was good this weekend and kept the children busy while I got thing done such as wrapping the presents. He also had to do all the shoveling, as I am ill. Usually I do that but not now that I am ill. My midriff really hurts now and my chest is as well. I do not want t see the doctor until after Christmas though. We have an appointment with the Pulmonologist on the thirtieth so I think I can hold off until then. No TTCing this cycle as I ma just too ill. I didn’t even bother to record the EWCM or anything. My finger is also hurting me. I poked it with a needle while mending pants on Friday and now I have this painful bubble on the tip. It hurts all the time and especially when I tough things with it. Not sure what it is, but it sure does hurt.

Sick and tired....

We are all sick here except Lara. Anthony and I have it the worse. I feel so bad today I just didn’t want to get up. Anthony was up in the middle of the night crying for me. We got him in bed with us and he was so hot. We gave him Motrin which seemed to make him feel better as he fell asleep. He mumbled as he did though saying all kinds of strange things.

The Sarcoidosis is bothering me, as my mid drift is hurting. I am also hoping that the cough I have is from the cold and not the Sarcoidosis. Lara once again put up a fuss about going to school so I am hoping she has a good day despite that. I am just so tired and have so much to do I can’t focus on anything. Anthony is keeping me on my toes today!

Preparing for Christmas...

The Christmas photo was taken Tuesday night. I gave the children an early dinner so we could get there fast. Didn’t really help as everyone including Greg dragged their feet in getting dressed to go. Greg had to change from his work clothes and dawdled at it, and the other two children were equally as slow. We did eventually get there. Then Lara shocked us as she started to cling to me and say she was shy. When it was our turn she cried! It took some time to get her to go on Santa’s lap. Anthony was fine the whole time and tried to make Lara feel better. I just don’t get it. She had already sat on Santa’s lap twice this year when we were at the mall. Both times she was happy and telling Santa what she wanted. This time when she was all dressed up she cried. Go figure. She is having problems at school.

We had a conference on Tuesday in the morning. There was the teacher, her special Ed teacher, the gym teacher, the nurse and the psychologist. They are concerned about Lara not staying with the group. She wanders away and does her own thing. She has also wet her pants six times this school year. Also when she does make it to the bathroom she takes a long time and can not button her pants. I can’t get pull up pants, as she is so thin they won’t stay up. I have to get jeans with the inner belt in a regular size so that they are baggy on her. That way the inner belt holds up the pants and she can just pull them up. She is going to start occupational therapy soon so I am hoping she will improve. She also won’t wipe herself after having a BM and this has become a real problem. I just do not know what to do with her. I just know all of this has to do with the Asperger’s that the neurologist talked about with us as a possibility. I think she has it.

Anthony is OK but refuses to go on the pot. What is it with my children and diapers? Why do they love them so? Occasionally Anthony will go on the pot but mostly he says after he has gone that he has gone. I am getting slower and slower on the changing’s as he does not like to be wet or dirty. Maybe that will help him. I do not want to go through the problems with him like I am with his sister. On the positive side he is building more and more complex structures. He loves to build. He also loves to watch the Leap frog DVD’s and is learning a lot from them.

Greg is the same. Always tired always falling asleep on the couch and not going to bed until just before he is supposed to wake up. I am still getting cramps. They were bad this morning but I managed to drive Lara to school. My mid drift is hurting as well, but my eye is still OK. I am getting more pain in my chest though. Again school is a half day and a cold rainy day as well so I am not going out except to get Lara. I do not like driving in the rain. The drivers here are bad enough on dry roads but in the rain they get worse. It just isn’t worth it to go out for anything. It can just wait until we can all be safe.

And so it goes...

I am still getting the cramps in the morning, but they do not last throughout the day like they used to so I guess I am getting better. I am getting a cold so my throat is sore and I am all stuffy in my head. I have been dealing with all this other stuff I forgot that my immune system was down and that I can get a cold easier than most now. Not a good time of year to get sick as I have so much to do.
So as far as I am going my cramps are here, I get cramps in my legs at night, my mid drift is starting to hurt again, and I am getting a cold. I am positive if I were a horse I would have been shot by now.
Lara has half days this week so the teachers can have conferences. So that means less time to shop, as I can not take the two of them solo. They are just too much in the stores so I have to wait until she goes to full days again next week or go at night with Greg. Anthony is doing well. He got a haircut on Sunday from our friend who is a hair stylist. He cut it like one of the boys in “High School Musical” as he said it was the style all the boys want now. He looks cute in it. Gregory is the same. No change with him. I really doubt he will ever wake up on time in the morning so I will forever be rushed. We should start trying again but I am so tired.

Will it end?...

The pain continued through the rest of last week and on the weekend as well. Sunday I was in pain and Greg woke up too late for us to both get ready for church so he took Lara solo. Later on Anthony got a hair cut. Lara goy jealous so our friend gave her a trim as well. He is nice and gives us a discount, as he knows money is tight for us. I told him about my Sarcoidosis, as it had been a while since we had talked and I find it awkward to talk about. KWIM? Saturday was the last dosage and I am still getting some pain but it is tapering off. The doctor in NYC had told me to taper off to 5 milligrams and then keep at that until my appointment in January. I had no intentions though of doing that when he told me and after I got the pain I knew I wasn’t doing that. I wouldn’t go through Christmas with all that pain.

Lara is having problems in school and hates to go. Every day she asks if she has to go to school. If she does she screams that she hates it. We get a break on Saturday and Sunday as there is no school Saturday and she loves CCD on Sunday. Anthony is growing by the minute and is such a good boy when I am sick. He snuggles with me in bed when I can’t get up. I manage to get him his meal s though and do some things like laundry on the good days. I am hoping the pain goes away now that I stopped the medication.

Greg just gets on my nerves now. His memory is awful and I just don’t know if he cares. I always have to remind him that my stomach is hurting in the AM. We are constantly out of things because he refuses to write down on this list when he uses the last of something. He also refuses to get help for his problem. His solution is for is to go out for dinner and a movie! As if that can fix all of our problems. He keeps on saying money is tight and we can’t buy gifts so where would we get money for dinner and a movie? How could that possibly help us? I just do not get him sometimes! I am at CD 10 and so should start getting that cup filled again.

Yet more pain...

These pills are really not good for me. Yesterday the Colitis was so bad I stayed in bed most of the day. I am grateful that my FIL was able to drive Lara to school, as I was a mess. I stayed in bed most of the day with Anthony snuggling with me. He is a good boy when I am sick and stays near me. Later on I was able to get up and then was able to drive Lara home, but I went to bed as soon as I got home. The children played in the living room then. When Greg got home I was still in bed. He just doesn’t get how much pain it is. He wanted to know what was for dinner! I mean WTF I am in bed all day with pain and he thinks I am cooking dinner? So he ordered a pizza, but then is upset when I tell him I am not eating. Again with abdominal pain eating is just something you don’t want to do. The only thing I can describe it as is in later labor when you are about 10 cm and wanting to push. While it is true I ate in early labor, by then I just wasn’t eating anything. But I actually did manage to have a slice as he made an issue out of it and then my children wanted me to eat as well. Then I went right to bed. So the children did not go to bed at their bed time. They all fell asleep on the couch. Greg had managed to put them in their PJ’s. I woke up to Anthony crying so I took him in bed with me. Later on I heard Lara crying and Greg took care of her. He woke up an hour late today so it was a hectic morning. I still have pain today but I can manage it. It is more like early labor when you first get the contractions. They come in waves far apart. Laundry is calling me.

Pain...

Every morning now I get intense abdominal pain. I think the steroids are now affecting my colitis. That hasn’t reared its ugly head in years and I was hoping it never would. It has however and so I am really anxious to stop the steroids. I am only doing one week of the 5 milligrams and then stopping. If the doctors think I am taking 5 milligrams forever than they just don’t know me at all. Which they don’t but soon they will. I am not taking ling term meds. I just can’t take the pain that long.

Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving was a lot of work. I set the table the night before and set up my vegetables as well. The children were with me so between hunting down all the chairs, place settings, decorations, etc as well as cooking and trying to keep the children contained in the TV room it was tiring. By the time I got home I was ready for bed. Thanksgiving went well except my eldest brother tossed away a lot of the leftovers. So I relieved him of his job and took over dishwashing. It was a lot of work, but I wanted to do it like my mom did. I just don’t get my SIL’s later on they wanted to use paper plates for dessert! I mean WTF it is a holiday. I insisted on regular plates and said I would wash them myself. Actually another SIL did that so I was spared. Most left after dessert. Greg and I stayed behind and emptied the dishwasher and cleaned the crystal by hand and out it away. Today I have to go back and do the linens.

The Sarcoidosis is on the move I think. I feel more pain in my chest so I think it is moving to my lung. I am also having my colitis attacks again. It started the day after Thanksgiving and I have had it every morning since then. Today my abdomen is in a lot of pain so no church for me. I am hoping it eases off so I can get to the laundry at my mom and dads house.

We have started shopping for Christmas and bought a couple of games for the children. They were on sale at target for $4. I got there early enough to get some. A lot were already gone, as some took cartful of them. I looked on e-bay and saw a lot of new auctions so I know where they went. We bought some presents with a gift card we got last year so that saved us a lot. We rarely use gift cards. It is just usually at stores we never shop at or is hard to get to. This one was for Linen and Things which is in a bad spot here and always has a ton of traffic. It is going out of business though and so most is at 50% off. We got some nice things there for my brothers/wives.

The hag visited me early yesterday morning! Oh well. I really don’t think I am having another baby. I am very sad over this. My heart is breaking at the thought of not having another baby. I am doing a baby blinkie for a group on the pregnant side of FF. The babies are cute and I enjoy doing it. My heart does break though thinking about that I will never have another. I try not to think about it, but I just can’t help it. It used to be only the angel blinkies made me cry. Now the baby ones do too.

E-Bay...

Well I am trying now to see my stuff on E-bay. I found out that some of my bears are selling a bit so I will list those shortly. I really don't want to but at this point I just have to. In the mean time I am selling my lights.

http://shop.ebay.com/merchant/slow-beans

I am "slow-beans" there because I used to buy Beanie Babies stuffed animals and I was always too slow to win the good auctions.

Sarcoidosis is touring again!...

I saw my Pulmonologist yesterday and got the test results from last week. The good news is that as of date my liver has not gotten the Sarcoidosis. I am happy about that ass Greg told me that in 95% of cases it moves to the liver. Not sure what they can do about it then. The bad news was that my bone density is a tad bit on the low side. Not much but it is low. That is from the prednisone though and not the Sarcoidosis. So since I am weaning off of that and down to 15 milligrams now we will wait for me to wean off of it and test again. I do not want to take the meds for this, as it requires you to stand up for a half an hour after taking them or you throw up. I am already throwing up with the prednisone so I am not wanting to take this and throw up some more. Also the news was not good on my lungs. I do a test there every time I go and apparently the results show that the Sarcoidosis is moving into my lungs now. Nothing to bad as of yet but if I start coughing or wheezing I will have to start treatment. I am having pressure and discomfort that I thought was from my lymph node and the Sarcoidosis and dead tissue there but I think now it is from the lungs. This Sarcoidosis is just taking a tour of my body. It seems to be going from top to bottom so I am thinking I am not out of the woods with my liver getting affected. I think the doctor is on the same page, as he wants me to repeat my liver test every month.

On the lighter side. Lara is doing well at CCD class bit not at school. She hates it. She has also started to toss her sandwich in the garbage and then tell us it fell on the floor. Today I had a talk with her about wasting food and how if she does that we will not know she doesn’t like the food and so will continue to give it to her. Also I give her scrapes to the squirrels and they are hungry. The last part was the charm and sop she said she will not toss her food in the trash anymore. Anthony is doing well and growing every day into a little man. We are working on getting him off the diaper and on the pot. His daddy got him to stand to do his business and he is proud of that. The bedtime is going well. They both go to bed on time and Lara goes to sleep fairly quickly. Poor Anthony though is a night owl and I can hear him talking to his stuffed animals for a while after we have left the room. He does keep it down though so he is good about that as Lara can go to sleep. Greg and I continue to have stress over finances and medical bills, etc. He also just has these notions on what a wife and mother should be like that is based on his mom. I can’t talk about it as we lost her two years ago to cancer. He does though expect me to be a certain thing and I just am not like that at all. I just have to be true to me. KWIM? We are trying this cycle again with the instead cups. I do not think it could happen at this point with my age and health going against me. I am really just going through the motions at this point and not even temping.

Project Christmas.......

I am hoping that I will earn enough money to get some presents for the family. So if you have enjoyed the art work I have done for you now is a great time to let it be known to me.

As for the Sarcoidosis? Today I get the results from, last weeks tests of my bone density and liver test. I should see if I am loosing bone density or if the Sarcoidosis has move to my liver yet. Hopefully it is not in my liver but the pain I get in my mid drift does not look good at all to me.

And so it goes...

I saw the NYC doctor on Friday my prednisone is not going to be cut as fast as the original plan. Now he wants me to go by increments of five. So I will go from 20 milligrams to 15 then 12.5, 10, 7.5, 5, .5 then nothing. So it is a bit slower but there is only one week instead of two for each dose.

My eye can see fine now so that is good. My middle is getting the pain back again. When I woke up today I was in pain so that is not good. I just hope this does not mean that they Sarcoidosis has moved to my liver. It moves to the liver in 95% of patients according to Greg so that is a possibility. I also get pains in my chest so I am thinking that could be the lymph node acting up. This is just no fun.

Greg and I fought on Friday. He is upset about taking so many days off from work. I used up all his vacation days on my appointments. I thought he was using sick and personal but he used vacation. In his shoes I would have used sick and personal as it was no vacation. I just don’t get him. He also complained about how much we are spending on my medical bills. We had a big fight on that. Basically I told him that I will not go to another doctor then, but then he was mad for me throwing away my health and said he wants me to go. So what is left to do? Either way he is mad and I get mad at him for being mad at me. After all I didn’t ask for this and I did nothing to bring it on.

On the lighter side Lara and Anthony are both well and happy. Lara now likes to go to CCD class, but still hates to go to school. Anthony still doesn’t understand why he can’t go to “4 year old school” even though he is four. He just doesn’t get cut off date’s poor boy. They are both going to bed at 8 PM and staying there to get their stickers so that is working well. I am loving the bed times too as it gives me time to be alone. Greg and I still go our separate ways then so no couple time. He is just very whiney as of late. Today as I was baking cookies he whined that he wanted me to buy chocolate chip cookies instead to bake. He didn’t bather to check the oven as that is what I was making. Instead he just whined he wanted them. Ugh! He also whined about his cousin and I not talking to each other. I feel she should apologize for being rude that Christmas. After all she was the one that kicked me out of her house and as I was going physically attacked me.

Just a recap. I had asked my SIL if there was meat in these mushrooms she made. Well his cousin said that I should just eat the damn food without asking if everything has meat or not and if I didn’t like that rule I could get the hell out of her house. I am a vegetarian who is allergic to meat so I have to ask. So I got up to get my coat to leave. Well she came after me and grabbed me and said I was raised wrong. That I should just eat whatever was placed in front of me when a guest and not ask anything. I freed myself and yelled at her to leave me alone. I walked away and again she came after me. I called her rude and an anti Christmas spirit and she kicked at me. At this point Lara and Anthony were crying and Lara was trying to pull her away from me. Greg had grabbed Anthony, his sister got Lara, and his cousin’s husband got her. She told me the stress she was under making the dinner and that I should appreciate it and realize that she has all this stress that I knew nothing of. I ended up blurting out that I was having a miscarriage and so had stress of my own. She told me that my baby wasn’t the first baby in history to die and it was no big deal. We left in tears the lot of us with my FIL yelling at us that I had ruined his Christmas the first one he had since his wife died. Lara was crying she tried to protect me but she was too little. I haven’t been near her since and that was Christmas, 2006.

So Greg thinks I should call her. I think she should have called me since she was the instigator and the one that kept it going. She is having Thanksgiving and his dad is hinting we should stop by. Ummm not really what I want to do as I am sick enough these days without adding her to the mix. The thanksgiving at my parent’s house is coming together so that is good. I will just concentrate on that. Nothing in the TTC world yet.

Still ill.......

For some reason I am feeling sick and tired all the time. Just a general feeling of ill health. My apatite is not great and I get full easily. So I am not eating that much. I am achy all over too which makes me just want to go to bed. I am also cranky and yell a lot so I am not fun to be around. I am hoping that by thanksgiving with my dose down to ten milligrams I will be better.

My three brothers and their families are getting together with us at my parents house on thanksgiving. An aunt from New Hampshire is also joining us as well as her son. So things are coming together and they are not going to a $100 a plate meal. I am bringing Brussels sprouts and peas/mushroom/onions. I will also set the table, as I know where everything is having done this for my mom for years now. We are getting everyone settled on what to bring. I hope it will work out well. One brother said he didn’t know how to make mashed potatoes and so wanted to bring those bud things. My aunt bailed him out and said he would do it. When I read his e-mail I just responded to boil some potatoes and then mash them. I am no help. Anywho I have to go to make dinner.

The Weekend...

I managed to survive Lara’s four days off. Now she is back at school and really mad about that. She woke up this morning and asked first thing if it was a school day. When I said yes she screamed she was sick of school, that she had enough, and she was done with it. The morning went down hill from there. She hated everything and was just a grump. She also woke Anthony whom also became a grump.

Back to the weekend. Saturday we spent most of the day at home as Greg wanted to take care of the leaves in the front yard. After we went to go bowling as Lara had gotten five bedtime stickers and so wanted that as her treat. Well, when we got there we found out they didn’t take credit cards. Only cash and checks neither of which we had so we had to go. The children were not happy about that! So we bribed them with Friendlie's Ice Cream which worked.

Sunday was the usual church and CCD class. Then armed with cash we managed to scrape together we went back to bowling. We had a children’s lane with gutter guards up. Even then I didn’t make 100. I forget the score maybe 80 something? Anywho Greg won with a 114, and then it was me, then Lara and then Anthony. Greg looked like he knew bowling as he did all the right moves. I just went to the line and tried my best without any of the wind up. Lara went to the line and threw it right away so she is actually closer than me to this as I stop. Anthony goes to the line puts the ball on the floor and roils it. It takes forever to get to the pins but he actually got a strike and a spare during the game so it seems to work. Later on we visited my parents and I took my beanie bear collection with me. I wanted to sell them on E-Bay. Last night though I found out that they have no value anymore so I don’t think I will be selling them after all. I was hoping to get holiday money for them. As much as I didn’t want to sell them we just need money for Christmas. Well that is out and so I have to look to something else.

I E-mailed my brothers to see what plans are in the making for thanksgiving but no response yet. Found out last night that another poster here copied one of my blinkies and took away the writing. Then when another poster asked for a blinkie she added the phrase they wanted and posted it as her own work! Ugh the font was all blurry and off centered and she just made a mess of it. It bothered me that someone took my art work and just stole it. Then to top it off she did a bad job of remaking it. I know it should bother me but it really does. I mean I really put my heart into my work. She should have made her own.

Other than that I am just feeling run down and hung over today even though I didn't drink yesterday. I am also achy and was sick again last night. I have a bone density appointment this week and I also have to go to the city on Friday to the optic Neurologist. I am also very edgy and easily made upset. Anthony is driving me crazy today as he is still in a snit. I had a talk with Greg this morning but who knows if it sunk in. I basically told him I am not happy being sick and that I don’t appreciate him saying things when I do get sick. Like last night when he was asking me if I made sure I cleaned up everything I the bathroom after I threw up. I mean I would never say that to him. Who wants to throw up? I was feeling so ill after. He said he got it but I know next time he will say the same things.

Feeling Down...

I am just a bit down about the Sarcoidosis. I guess I thought by this time I would be feeling all better and I am not. I was happy to drop the dosage down to twenty milligrams of prednisone as per the doctor. It didn’t do a lot though. For the first few days I was more tired, but still wired if that makes sense. Then on Tuesday after the children had been particularly troublesome at dinner I got really sick and barely made it to the bathroom before loosing it all. I think my mom calling me about thanksgiving right before dinner didn’t help make me any better either as I had an argument with her. She just doesn’t get that my brothers are going to do their own thing. Sure my brothers can say they will get together and everyone can make something, but their wives are the ones that rule the way with this stuff. They are on the fast track so to say and since they work have money to spend. So to them it makes sense to spend $100 a plate on a holiday rather then cooking and cleaning. After all that is what anyone that is anyone does in this fast track. We just don’t have the money to spend like that and actually even if we did I wouldn’t like it. I think that a holiday like thanksgiving should be spent at home. Not out at a fancy restaurant, but that is just me I guess. Anywho my brother’s wives will call this and we won’t get a call. KWIM? I still have a hard time going to sleep and once asleep cant stay that way. Greg said he was scheduling a bone scan but didn’t. I have yet to see a hematologist as well so nothing is going on now. The hematologist that was recommended was the same his mom saw. Well the last time she saw him he said she was doing better even though she said she felt worse. On the way home they went to the ER, as she really didn’t feel well. Seven days later she was gone, so we really don’t have faith in this doctor. He just wants to see as many patients as possible and get them in and out with very little time for each one. You know the type. The ones that are in it for the money only and not for say health care. He took a “Hypocrite oath”. So all of this is making me down.

Lara is home from school for the rest of the week so I have them for four days straight. I have to think of something fun to do with them. I started off well with pancakes that they both loved. We started a bed time at 8 this week and it is going over very well. They go to bed after getting their teeth brushed and their faces washed. They then get two stories and then they stay in bed. So far I have read the same book over and over again. It is “Fred And Ted Go Camping” by Peter Eastman, PD Eastman’s son. Anywho they really like it so I read it to the twice every night. They both like it so that is four readings a night. I know the book word by word now. Anywho if they stay in bed and quietly go to sleep in the morning they get a sticker on a chart. After five stickers they can get a treaty like an ice cream or small toy so they are excited about that. They actually say they want to go to bed! Also Greg and I get time to ourselves which so far means that Greg goes to sleep and I go to the computer. There is just no spark left. Greg just doesn’t act the same anymore. He complains when things are low like milk. Well he uses the milk too doesn’t he see it going down? He could have just picked some up on the way home. Why do I have to tell him to do it? Also he wants the bank problem fixed. So again it is my problem not our problem. I think this all stems from his parents taking care of all of this for him up to the day we were married. I mean Greg’s dad used to do his banking! He would deposit his checks so he had his own strange direct deposit! So now I am supposed to be like them. He also would complain about the stuff they bought and they would buy what he liked only. He was spoiled! Reality has hit him hard, as I don’t always buy just for him. He might prefer the size ten Barilla linguine but if it isn’t on sale he isn’t getting it. He is just going to have to settle with the sale stuff n the size that is available.

Well today I am 11 DPO so not much more time before I see if anything good has come of these drugs. Only time will tell now.

Voting Day...

I already voted so that is done with. There was a small line but nothing big. I had to wait twice though as I never know what district I am in. Ugh my brain amazes me sometimes, and not in a good way. Anywho so the dye is cast so to say.

Lara is home from school today so we are going to try to do something fun. I am not feeling so well so I think the leaves raking is out. I think I might be able to entertain them with board games and cookie baking. Hopefully that will work.

I am just feeling very run down today. My mom called last night and told me that she is going to spend thanksgiving in Colorado with my brother Dan. Why she had to call me I don’t know. She could have waited on this. So there will be no Thanksgiving for us as my brothers the last time they did this went out to an expansive restaurant. They didn’t bother to invite us because it was over $100 a plate and they know we can’t afford to spend $400 on a dinner so they “spared” us. So kind right? So we went to his cousins, but that was weird, as they wanted to do a kiddy only table. Well I want to eat with my children and as they were the only children it seemed strange to have twenty on one table and two on the other. Also the table was a bar table with bar stool so it was four plus feet off of the floor! This was two years ago so Anthony was only two. They got mad at me when I said I thought it was not safe for him to be up that high. They just expected me to do whatever they wanted. That does not sit with me at all. First and foremost I am the mother and will do what I feel comfortable with, not what other want me to do. KWIM? Any who we will probably just have a meal here alone. Not sure what I will make as I am not making a turkey as only Greg and Anthony would eat it. Not to mention I am a vegetarian o I really don’t want to handle raw turkey. I really wish mom hadn’t called.

Off to entertain the children. Wish me luck.

My Weekend...

Saturday went really well at the lunch and I had a great time. It was nice to meet my online buddies in person. The food was great and I ate everything. I even had desert which I rarely get. The best part of all was that I was able to hold it all down! This makes me think that maybe it is the tension of keeping the children at the table, etc that is making me ill after the meals at home. I am constantly trying to get them to behave and I think that in combo with the steroids is making too much stomach acid which makes me get sick. At any rate with a calm meal I kept it all down which hasn’t happened in a long time. Usually I loose something. Any who we got back late as it took two hours to get back home! It usually takes under 45 minutes. Greg’s sister Debbie was angry because she had to get ready to go out. Next time I will stick to getting my parents. I had my parents all set to sit, but then Greg said his sister was looking forward to sitting and we had to use her. So we had to use her but on her terms. With my parents we have more flexibility so we will go with them next time.

Sunday we had church and CCD class. We went to a garage sale by the KOC in our town. I picked up a couple of sweaters, a sweater for Lara, four books and some leaf crystal votive candle holders cost me $3! Later on I got Lara a Hula Hoop for 50 cents, and a board game of happy feet for a dolor. I wish the children had picked out their items faster we probably would have just paid the one $3 for all, but it was still cheap so I really can’t complain. Later on I took all the Halloween decorations down and put up the Thanksgiving ones. I switched my holiday earring to Thanksgiving too. Then Lara went bike riding. The children and Greg had dinner and hung out for the rest of the night. Greg was ticking me off by correcting everything I said so I just went and did some computer graphics. Had a glass of wine when I was done and went to bed.

Lara did not want to go to school today but it is a short week so it will not be too bad. She is of tomorrow, in on Wednesday and then off Thursday and Friday. I have no clue what to do with them but it has to be fun. I am thinking of raking leaves and having them jump in them. That is something they love to do and involves no travel. Plus we get the lawn cleaned up! A win win situation. I am in the two week wait so nothing to do there but, um, you know……wait.

I was giving Anthony lunch on our living room couch about an hour ago. I give it to him there so he and I can watch TV. He asks out of the clear blue “Momma why aren’t you having another baby?”. So I told him that we were trying and that it is up to God if we are going to have another baby at this point. So he says, “Maybe you are not pushing hard enough?”. With this he leans back and opens his legs apart and grunts saying “push, push”. He then tells me all I have to do is push harder. He looked like a woman giving birth, as he was semi reclined and pushing his torso through his legs. Maybe I have been watching too much baby TV? I can’t remember the last time I saw “Baby Story” it has to be a good year ago.

Lunch date!!!

Yesterday was very busy as it was also laundry day. So I did all the laundry, baked cookies (they were in a package but I cut them in half and added my own frosting to make “Oreos”) baked pumpkin seeds and got the children ready for the holiday. Lara went to school as usual and Greg worked at home. I picked Lara up for lunch, fed her and got her back to school for a costume parade. My parents came down to see it and to spend time with us. My dad was edgy to get back to his leaf raking though. Anyway after the parade Lara had her party at school and we went home. After school we spent time all together before my parents left to go home for dinner and leaf raking. Anthony was a bumble bee, Lara and I were lady bugs and Greg was “Father Guido” from “Saturday Night Live”. We were an interesting group. We went Trick or Treating at about six. We only went to about half our block and finished at seven. The last house was Greg’s dads house were we spent a lot of time. I left to check on the candy left at our door and there was a huge group that hadn’t seen the bowl so I am glad I go there when I did. I gave out the candy and they all said they liked my decorations. I have a lot of lights up. A car even stopped in the street and said nice decorations! After that I stayed at home and gave out candy and we had a lot of Trick or Treaters this year so it was fun.

Today I have the lunch with the ladies in the big city. I am excited and nervous at the same time as I rarely go to New York City. I feel like such a country bumpkin there, and am still affected by 9/11 so I just usually dint go there. Greg’s sister and dad will watch the children while we are out. His sister has games planned and lunch all set up so they should have a good time as well.

Hallows Eve...

We carved a pumpkin finally yesterday. I wanted to go to a street that gets all decked out for Halloween but was out voted. Today I am going to just hang with Anthony and maybe get another pumpkin as his favorite design was nixed by Lara and Greg. They wanted a scary face and Anthony wanted a ghost. I also liked the ghost so if I find an inexpensive pumpkin I will carve that while the other two are away from home. I am so underhanded sometimes! Tomorrow I will be a matching ladybug with Lara. This will be the first time in a long time I am something cute for Halloween. Usually I am Goth, but as many who know me have pointed out I can get the “costume” out of my wardrobe as I like black and corsets, etc. So in reality me in a pretty ladybug outfit is a scary thing.

Moving on I hope...

Well we are done trying this month as I think I have ovulated so that is good. Greg takes so long to fell that darn cup that I am exhausted in the morning and he doesn’t get up on time so the mornings are really bad. Who know maybe the steroids will make me fertile? It would be nice if there was a positive side effect of these things, as I seem to only get the nasty ones like nausea and vomiting.
We are all set for Halloween. We have all the candy for the Trick Or Treater's. I bought some pumpkin bubbles for Lara to take in to the school party on Friday as a treat to give out there. Lara is going to be a lady bug and Anthony is going to be a bee. They already wore their costumes this past weekend twice. I will look for pictures later on as I think Greg took some. There was a costume parade at the local fire house and an event at the county zoo and we took them to both events and they had fun. We also picked out our pumpkin and will carve tonight.
Yesterday Greg’s dad said he was going to toss away all of Greg’s old clothes that were at his house. Well Greg didn’t know they were there so he went to go look at them first. His dad wanted to toss them out that day but had to wait one day and made a big deal out of that. Anyway so he goes to look at them and they are perfectly fine! They were in his old room until his sister made a big closet out of it and put his clothes in the basement. So now they are all musty and I am hoping we can get the smell out of them. I just think it was nasty for her to do that. She could have put them in the attic to avoid the must after all that is where she would have put her clothes. But in her world of “only I matter and to heel with everyone else” I guess the musty basement made sense to her. She was also probably mad because he didn’t drop everything to help her with her project. She picked the perfect time to do it and all. A week before Christmas! Go figure we were busy then! She said it could be her Christmas gift though and so whom else do we have to shop for anyway? Our children? Nope only Debbie! Anyway I am double washing them today. There are designer shirts in there that cost s a lot of money that we simply do not have to buy new ones. His family really tics me off with their wastefulness. They just toss everything out and buy new.
Any who my blinkies are not selling very well as of late. I am making a huge one for a group and I am hoping they give me something, as it is a lot of work. So far I have nine pages with 33 babies on them. All cropped to fit so it takes time to do. Hopefully business will pick up. I am thinking of applying at Target for holiday help but haven’t mentioned that to Greg as I am sure he won’t like that idea at all.

Financially bad...

Things are bad with us money wise. My medical bills are just putting a strain on us and we are not keeping up with them. We lost our savings account because the monthly fee was more than was in the account so they just closed it on us. I just went to the bank to talk to them and they offered us nothing. They said we will get the notification in our next statement. I am so mad at them for that.

If you have enjoyed any of the graphics I have made for you than this would be a great time to show that appreciation by giving a little back to the artist who made them. You can make a payment to Paypal. My account name is:

Jillian6@optonline.net

Or you could mail a check to:
Jill Hendrickson
167 Violet Dr.
Pearl River, NY, 10965

Thank you for your patronage to my endeavor.

Still ill...

I am still feeling ill, and scared to leave the house alone. Last night I went to the playhouse for Player’s Night. The play was OK, and it was nice to see people. I just felt awkward and am sure I didn’t say anything right at all. I just can’t talk anymore without sounding like an idiot. On the way home I almost got into an accident so I think night driving should be out for a while. I didn’t see the car until the last minute and we barely missed each other. It shook me up. Of coarse there was someone on a cell phone nearby that was overreacting. That is just my bad luck to have that bonus.

Hopefully we can do something fun today as Greg is finally not working this weekend. We need the money so that is why he works so much. Financially we are bad off. Apparently our bank charged us a monthly fee of $2 on our savings account and sometime this past month took the last of it so they closed our account. We were never notified of this and so didn’t even know it was closed. Greg told me yesterday after he got home from work. Yesterday I was in NY doing the soda can recycling. We are evil and take our cans up to NY when they have the nickel deposit on them. After there was a shoe store that is closing and I saw sandals for 80% off. I got a pair for $8 and felt great until Greg told me our account was closed. Now I feel guilty but can’t return them, as the closeout said “no refunds”. I wish I hadn’t bought them. I need to get a job ASAP.

Trying...

I am just not feeling well because of these darn steroids. They make me moody and crazy at the same time. I am driving myself and my family crazy. Greg is having a hard time with all of this. We have decided to move on with TTCing and am actively trying again. If not now than when? We are also going to try to reclaim our relationship by putting the children to bed at a bed time and then having alone time. Up to now they have just fallen asleep on the couch and we put them to bed. Sad but true.

I also feel very lonely but also afraid to go out. I fear I will get confused and lost. I tried to call some friends but it failed as I wasn’t speaking very coherently and no doubt they probably thought I was under the influence of something. I trued calling two friends and both ended awkward. So I just can’t even reach out other than in the cyber world. I just wish this was over already and I can move on and live. Sarcoidosis sucks big time.

Trying...

I was in a bad mood all day Friday because of that accident. This has really just hit me hard and I am very upset about it still. It was just such a stupid thing to do. Why on earth did the owner think he could do that? What could he have done had he actually caught the guy? Just all in all a stupid thing to do.
On Saturday I had a busy day as Greg was working again this weakened. He got the call at the last minute. We really need the money with all the medical appointments I have been having so we had to do it. I started off my day with a blood test for blood sugar and hemoglobin CBC. Later I took the children solo to “Family Fun day” at Lara’s school. We had promised to take them for weeks now and so they were looking forward to it. They had a great time. There were a few inflatables there a big slide, a maze and a spider thing that had Velcro. The children wore a suit made of the stiff side and a worker tossed them on a wall of the soft stuff and they stuck there. Lara hated that but Anthony loved it. All in all they both had a great time. After we just stayed at home at had some family time.
Sunday I took Lara to church solo. After she went to CCD class and I took a short walk. I ended up back at the church and so went to a second mass by myself. I need that and felt slightly better for it. Rockland County as the stores here are closed on Sunday. After that we visited with my parents and then home for dinner. I went from 40 mg. to 30 mg. of Prednisone today so that is good. Hopefully I will feel less ill and not throw up every day. Some days I get sick several times so this is not good at all.
Monday was our seventh anniversary. Greg stayed at home so no time for the computer really. I had wash to do and I made a special dinner. I also made a chocolate pie for desert. So I was busy most of the day. For dinner I made the chicken stuffed breast that I had bought from Omaha streaks. For most it is simple thing to do but not being a cook it took me more time than most. I did manage to make mashed potatoes from scratch though. I gave Greg an anniversary clock I won on e-bay and he gave me a pair of fashion earrings. I ended up getting sick after dinner again due to the darn meds I am on.
Tuesday I had to alter Lara’s PJ’s as today is “Wear Your Favorite PJ’s To School” day. They were too long for her so I hemmed the legs and arms. Again not being a seamstress it took me a long time to do. Later on I saw my Pulmonologist about the blood test and what to do. He does not want me on long term Prednisone and wants me to take other meds should I need further treatment in a month. He said that the 40 mg. was a lot for me to take and that my symptoms should decrease now that I am on 30 mg. All my symptoms are from the steroids according to him as they just have so many bad side effects. My sugar levels are normal, but once again the hemoglobin is low. So I have to get a bone marrow biopsy and some other tests. I also have to see a hematologist to set all that up. He recommended one but the one he recommended was dealing with my MIL when she was sick. The last time he saw her he sent her home saying she was OK. Well she felt so bad she went to the hospital instead and ten days later she died. So I haven’t faith in this doctor at all. I have to find another one. After I just couldn’t eat dinner and just stayed in bed and mended some more clothes. I ended up doing two pants and a shirt.
I am just so tired of being sick and am just going to try to move on. We are starting up again tonight TTCing as it is driving me crazy that we haven’t done anything in such a long time. I just have to try at least. The progesterone is still making me nauseas and sick. Still keeping me up at night. It is hard to go to sleep and once I am it is not a deep sleep and so everything wakes me up. Once up it is hard to go to sleep again. Today I was up at 5 AM and so did some graphics to ease my nerves.

WHY?????????????????

My eyes are getting better but the medicine is making me feel ill and tired all the time. I went to the theatre to help with lights and after only hanging four instruments was ready to go to bed! I just have no stamina. I fear I am gaining weight and my face is bloated. I also think my blood sugars are bad but can’t get a doctor to write up a blood work script. Yet I don’t feel like all is bad with me. I feel I should not complain, and I am a whining bitty.

Yesterday at five PM there was a terrible accident near our house. It was next to the house that is abutted to our back yard. A car was struck by another and a ten year old girl died. Her fourteen year old brother is in critical condition. Her mother and another 14 year old were also in the car but apparently OK. A man had left his Mercedes running in the driveway when he went back into his house to get keys fort a second car. When he came out a thief was taking his car. So he got into the second car and chased the thief while calling the police. The high chase pursuit led to the car colliding with the mom and children who had nothing to do with either of them. It was a block away from a school so she was probably picking them up after work. I just hate people. I mean what the heck was that man thinking of? You do not go chasing a stolen car! You call the police and let them handle it! That man is not being charged with anything which really pisses me off. He should be charged with reckless endangerment and disregard for human life. I just hope he knows that he is the reason that girl is dead today. It was a stupid car. A thing, an object, something that can be replaced. The girl was a precious gift from God that will never ever be replaced. I just hope he realizes that.

Eyes getting better...

Well the steroids are kicking in finally after one week of taking them. My wyes are still double but so close that I can now drive! This is great because Greg worked at home this weekend and I went to my parent’s house with the children. My niece and nephew were staying for the weekend and so I took advantage and was able to get the cousins together. I can drive during the day but not so at night yet and not on major highways.

Sunday I went to church with Lara as Greg was working and then to her CCD class. She had no crying when I left as the teachers got her involved right away and I took off as soon as I could. She was mad though when I picked her up that I had left her there. Later on we had fire safety behind borough hall. I was exhausted and went to bed early while Greg made hot dogs.

Monday I went back to my mom and dad’s house for more cousin time. This is one of my brother’s children that live two hours north of us so we rarely go there. Having them nearer was great, but makes me wish we hadn’t moved so far south of everyone. All the relatives around me here are his and I do not get along with them very well. One aunt refuses to write my children’s name right on their birthday cards! They have hyphenated names and all they put down is Greg’s name! The other writes in my name but misspells it so badly it is pathetic. I mean after six years why can’t they get the name right?

So now I can see better because of the drugs, but it comes with a price. I have to take extra calcium and vitamin D to keep the bone density loss down. I have to have my blood sugar tested to see if I am turning diabetic, and I could get a big face and gain weight. I am not sure about that last one as the drugs are making me nauseous and so I throw up a lot. I can not see how I could throw up so much and gain weight. I am also very tired all the time as I am still anemic.

My baby is four years old today!!!!!!!

The steroids are making me sick and cranky. They are helping with my eyesight, but all that seems to do is get me to see how sick I feel. I have to be well today though because….


My baby is four years old today!!!!!!!

Not so good...

I just feel like such a useless rag here. I can’t drive anywhere because of the double vision. I can’t walk because of the same. I am sick of looking at that darn scar on my neck that now looks really bad with the double vision. Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed. I go to sleep praying that when I wake up this bad dream will be all over with and I will be normal, but it never happens. I wake up all sick inside like I spent the night drinking away. I just don’t get it.

I get so confused. The doctor from NYC just called. Not only did I have to think hard on who he was but I could think about the doctor’s names that he was faxing my results to. I flipped through my book but came up empty. Finally I did get it. I feel so dumb they must think I am stoned or drunk. I slur my speech and am just clueless so often.

My mom and dad are coming over tomorrow for a visit. I am so happy about that. They are just coming for a visit not to sit with Anthony while I see a specialist or get a treatment. I am having to have her come also because I won an item on e-bay that I have to pick up. It has been over a week now and I told the seller the problem. She is a friend that I know through the theatre so she is very good, but I want to pay for it already. It is a Thomas Kincaid clock I got for Gregory for our anniversary. I got a super price on it so it is in budget and I have cash set aside for it. I squirreled the money little by little whenever I was given cash. Now all I have to do is get it.

My vision is still double but I am getting used to it so I can read again. I am on the steroids so hopefully I will see clearly again soon. I have to get set up for Friday. Anthony turns four ob Friday and he wants a Spiderman birthday. I want to make him a cake which will be hard with double vision. I would hate to buy one as I always make him one. I feel so useless. We also have to get his gift which we are sure will be Spiderman something.

On a happy note we all went to the movies on Saturday. I guess I got a bargain two for one with my double vision! We saw the chiwawa movie that Lara has been dying to see since she first saw the previews. It was a fun movie. The children had a great time and were happy to get out of the house after being cooped up all week.

New pain...

I have a pain in my chest at night and it becomes a bit hard to breathe. I fear that the Sarcoidosis is beating up my lymph nodes to a pulp in there or has moved to my lungs now. Neither is very good. I am thinking this is just going to get me. I am just going from one thing to another with no real rest periods.

I have been ill now since April!!!!!

When will it stop????????

The city visit...

I went into the city today to see the specialist. He is an ophthalmologist neurologist. We took the MRI films with us, as he wanted to see them first hand. Up until now they have been saying I have optic neuritis. The MRI did not show that but they said it is not always seen on an MRI. Well according to this new doctor optic neuritis does not cause double vision, and since that is the first thing I tell everyone he didn’t understand the diagnosis. The MRI does not show the optic neuritis, but it does show Sarcoidosis grains that are pushing against my optic nerve. This is causing the double vision as well as the blurred vision. So we are relived that the MRI did in fact do the trick. The official reading says it is all normal which we didn’t like. That would only mean more tests. So now we know what is happening and what to do about it. Unfortunately this means that the treatment is steroids. I can get low bone mass, anemic (already there actually) and diabetic. I have to take vitamin D and calcium supplements and have my blood sugars monitored. Hopefully this will not make me diabetic. On the superficial vain side I also hope I don’t get a big face. I will have 40 mg. for two weeks, then thirty for two weeks, then twenty, then ten. I see the doctor again in six weeks. I am going to stop going to the neurologist and ophthalmologist here in NJ. I will only see this new doctor in the city (New York City that is) and my Pulmonologist in NJ. They will work together as a team. The new doctor was not thrilled that I was diagnosed so long ago and as to date have had very little actual treatment. He is confident that my vision can be restored with the treatment. I feel like I got some answers today and although I am not thrilled about the meds it looks like I am on my way to recovery. I pray that is the case.

Follow up...

We saw the neurologist today. He said that the double vision could take time to go away he suggested an eye patch to block the bad eye so the vision is not doubled. Hopefully that will take care of the nausea as well. The MRI didn’t show anything wrong but he said it does not always show. The doctor is suggesting long term steroids, but I don’t want to get a big face. He also suggested a lumbar puncture test but that sounds painful. I was getting upset so he prescribed Zantax! I am not taking that as I think anyone would be upset in my shoes. It is not like this happy pill will make me see any better. I am going to an ophthalmologist neurologist on Friday in the city. I just want to be able to see normal again and not feel so sick. I feel like I am drunk 24/7. I hated my appointment today they were talking about me like I wasn’t in the room. Maybe next time I won’t go.

Not good news...

I had my last of my four treatments yesterday. I wish I could state that I was a model patient but I wasn’t. I just can’t take it anymore. I know some have been sicker a lot longer, but I am just tired now. I was crying when they did the IV which is not like me at all. Heck I watched my amnio with Lara how bad can an IV be? Anyway the treatments seemed to have just alleviated the pain. I am still not seeing right. My vision is blurry and double. I can barely type this and can not read at all. I woke up Saturday and today like I have been drinking all night long. Of course I hadn’t but I feel that way. I feel so sick today I just don’t want to do anything. I have to though. I have Anthony to take care of and dirty clothes to wash. I also have to get my but in the shower, as I have to go get Lara at school at three today. I am thankful my FIL whom lives across the street comes over and does the driving. All I have to do is get out and get her while my FIL stays with Anthony in the car. I just wish I could do things. I miss doing my graphics, watching TV, reading, walking straight, driving, etc. How do people manage to stay sick long term?

Some background...

In case you wanted to know what I look like here is a rough description. I am a 45 year old woman that looks a bit younger as I have a baby face and never was a sun worshiper. I am five foot eight inches high with dark curly hair that is about mid back. The curls are tight little ones, not waves. Kind of like Mel Gibson in “Brave Heart”. Anyway I have very pale skin that gets sun burned if I think about going to the beach. I have blue eyes, and weigh about 122 pounds. I have longer legs (34” inseam) than most women, and a short torso with long arms. So clothes’s shopping is not fun. Nothings fits, and everything has to be altered. That is about all I can think of.

My eye treatment...

I had my first treatment yesterday at 11 AM ish. I still can not see out of my right eye, but the pressure and pain is less. Still not sure if that is the treatments or the Percocet. They were all very nice there and made sure I was OK. I was not a very brave soldier and was crying a bit at first. I was nervous about getting the IV in my hands because when the anesthesiologist did it there it really hurt. This one didn’t though. Today I go for my second session. They gave my mom and I some lunch while we were there. They also had a whole snack bar set up. Very nice. Still worried about if my vision is going to be restored. I keep on walking into walls which in my house hurts as they are all made of cement.

Right eye is going blind...

I had my MRI yesterday. I just couldn’t take it and lost it after they gave me the IV shunt. I have had just too many IV’s as of late. Anyway I had the MRI and the third injection of stuff in two days. Then I went to the Neurologist appointment. He wants me to get steroid IV’s for the next four days. He says that the optic nerve is being pinched by the Sarcoidosis and if I don’t I would go blind. My parents are coming over today. My dad will stay with Anthony while my mom takes me for the IV. They said they could do it at home but things are so messy here I just don’t want anyone in my house right now. KWIM? Hopefully the IV’s will work and not hurt too much. The dye that the eye doctor put in hurt as did the IV for the MRI. So maybe my veins are getting sensitive from over use?

I also hope the steroids won’t make my face big. I’m ugly enough on my own.

My right eye is really bad now...

My right eye is really bad now. I am back on Percocet for the pain. That takes away the bite but not all of it. I can not see very well out of it. Up to yesterday I was seeing dark clouds. Like in a painting when whips of clouds are over the moon. Now today I am also seeing sparkly stuff. I am concerned that I might loose sight in this eye.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday and he gave me some tests that I failed. I am going for an emergency head MRI today to see if the optic nerve has Sarcoidosis. I am then seeing a neurologist to see what can be done. Yesterday the eye doctor said if it is Sarcoidosis there is no cure for it. So things are looking bad for me today.

My eye is bad...

Well my eye has gotten worse since Wednesday. The pain just increased every day until I just starting popping my Alieve every six hours. On Saturday we were supposed to go to the Renaissance Faire and Sunday we were going to the air show. It was supposed to be the super fun weekend to make up for the lame summer that occurred because of Momma’s illness. Well Saturday the first thing I felt was stabbing pain in my right eye. I couldn’t function. Greg got me some Alieve, but it still hurt so I called my doctor up. The primary one. I got to see him at 12:15. He said it was a sinus infection and prescribed some Omnicef, and some nose spray. The nose spray with insurance was $26! When I asked the pharmacist she said without insurance it is $130! Ugh what is in this stuff? Gold? Platinum? Anyway, when all was said and done it was after 3 PM, so the faire was out. It is over an hour drive and closes at 7 PM. It also is too expensive to miss out on most of the day. So we went to the air show. We got there at five to four and waited five minutes to go in because at four it became free. It was only open until five. So we had an hour of air show. There were old cars there but most had left so we only saw planes. Lara and Anthony enjoyed it; Greg wished he had more time.

On Sunday we got to church, CCD class, and then went to the faire. We left at about eleven thirty and got there a little after one. The children had a great time there. They loved the “dragon swing”. I had dressed up in a dress and was going to wear my corset, but Greg said it didn’t go well together so I only wore my dress. One person stopped me and said they thought it was beautiful and that it fir me very well. I was so touched by that. I like the dress too. I bought it on e-bay and wear it when I get dressed up. What can I say I guess I dress retro because it fir in with the Renaissance look so well. Anyway we walked around for a while, and tried the games (lost most) except one that Lara won and got a necklace of bones and skulls. Anthony lost at that but the game keeper (is that the title?) felt bad and gave him a necklace too. She knew that he was feeling bad because his sister had one and he didn’t. He had a huge frown on his face and my heart melted. I guess hers did too so she gave him one. He brightens up and everyone beamed. Just before that though I had to take a rest, as my eye was hurting again. I had to sit. Greg kvetched that we weren’t in a sitting area but what could I do? I was in pain. Anyway we went on a little and then I had to take another rest. My eye was bad for the rest of the day but I didn’t want to go and disappoint the children. They were having such a great time. We saw the living chest game, and a puppet show. They were supposed to go on the stage and sit for the latter but of coarse mine preferred the mud instead. We ended the day with the pub songs that I love. The final song being “Will you Go lassie go” I really like that one.

By the time we got home my eye was in a lot of pain and I had to go to bed. Greg wasn’t happy he had to take care of the children. He must have changed them and stayed in the living room because sometime after going to bed Anthony joined me. Greg didn’t come in until a long time after that so he must have been asleep on the couch again. I awoke in pain again today. I took a hot shower but it really didn’t help much so I took a Percocet. That took the bite off of the pain and now all I have is a dull ache. I can’t however see very well out of my right eye. I have black spots. Greg had to drive Lara to school. He was mad about that. I guess I will walk to get her later on or try to drive. I need to get blood work today and I just don’t know how I will get there. I am just a mess.

Not Sarcoidosis...

I went to the eye doctor last night and he did not find any Sarcoidosis so I do not know why I have the eye pain. It started a few days ago and is still hurting today. The eye doctor thinks it could be a head ache and to see a neurologist. Right now I am just seeing if it goes away on its own. I have the bone scan scheduled for Tuesday and I have to get the blood work done as well.

Greg is home sick today so not much time to do anything.

Ugh! It is back!!!!!!!!!

My Sarcoidosis is back again in my right eye and nastier than ever. I was in such pain before but I took two Alieve and it has calmed down to a dull ache. I am just so mad that it came back again so fast. Greg was going to call to make an appointment for the scan, and I have to get blood work to see how my anemia is doing. I feel so tired I just know it is low. This has been going on so long. I was so happy when I was drug free, but that doesn’t seem to be the plan for me. I am probably going back on the eye drops again, but not the Percocet. For the moment the Alieve is working OK so I do not want to take anything stronger.

Needless to say until I get my last bone scan and bone marrow biopsy that TTCing is out. I can’t possible introduce any baby to those chemicals even if I were lucky enough to get pregnant. My luck I probably would, so I won’t even try. Good thing for us is that I actually can’t get “accidentally” pregnant. We have to try.

Lara is not having an easy go of it at school. She clings to me every morning and makes a scene. She does not want to leave me and we are not sure why. I personally think she is afraid if she goes I will get sick and end up in the hospital or dead. She says she wants to stay home and be a little girl with me. We already bought our Halloween costumes. Lara and I are going to be matching ladybugs and Anthony will be a bee. We bought wings at “Claire’s” last week. All I need is pants and shirts. Lara wants to be all sparkly with me. I am in shock as this is just not like her. She doesn’t usually go for the glam. Last year she was “Thomas The Tank” for Halloween. So I am not sure what is going on in her head. This year she has regular class and then special ed classes for math and writing. So far all we have gotten at home is one work sheet where she wrote “h’s” down. Ugh he is past writing letters and I hope she starts on words soon. She started religion class on Sunday but would not let me go so I stayed with her. She cried a lot. Unfortunately a girl from her class was there and saw this. In line on Monday she was telling another girl all about it. I stopped her and asked her if it happened to her would she like others talking about it? She said no, but I know she gossiped about it later. She just had a defiant look in her eye.

Anthony is doing OK. He plays quietly mostly during the day. He does like to open things, climb and explore so I have to keep an eye on him when it gets too quiet. KWIM? He is still working on his alphabet, and watches the Leap frog DVD’s.

Greg has a cold now and is teaching a class so he can not call in sick. Now after work he has to drive me to the doctor. I feel bad for him.

I Remember, and always will....

September 11, 2001, I was working in Moonachie, NJ which was right across the river. I was working in a lighting shop we were counting the equipment that the MTV awards had rented. I remember seeing how blue and clear the sky was and how dark and horrid the cloud was. I had neighbors and friends that worked in and around the buildings. Ironically enough we were inside and so did not know what was going on until after tower two was hit. We were listening to "Howard Stern" on the radio. Apparently either they did not look at the associate press updates (I think Robyn did?) or did not believe the news as it came in. At any rate we didn’t know about it until way into the even. When we heard the towers fell I just could not believe it. I had stood by them. They were so massive. I could not believe anything so big could go down. I just believed it was a hoax, or I just prayed it was. Eventually we were able to get news and we knew it wasn’t. The shop wouldn’t let anyone go. Eventually at about 11 AM I went into the office and said I didn't give a damn if MTV had kept all the stuff and was going home to see how many people I knew got out alive.

I went to a friends house whose husband worked right buy there. She had a leg that was hurt and was not able to leave the house. I knew she was all alone and so for the only time ever went there without calling first. Actually I tried but all lines were jammed. All phone lines whether ceil or land were jammed. She wasn’t sure if he was dead or alive. I stayed until he got home. He was dusty from head to foot. I think he ended up getting home at about 9 PM; he had started at 11 AM. The city was just at a standstill.

Most did, but one who worked on the 95h floor of tower one did not. She had just returned from maternity leave the day before. She left behind her DH, a DS that was three years and a DS that was three months old.

Yesterday I watched the memorial as usual and just cried the whole time.

Not doing well...

Today again was hectic. I didn’t get into the bathroom until 7:30! I have to leave at 8! Greg got in at 6 AM according to him, so WTF take sooooo long? I am thinking of putting a spy camera in there. So today again was hectic and again Lara clung to me crying she didn’t want to go in. We got to school in time for line up but then she clung to me while the class went in without her. A worker there took her in. She was screaming for me the whole time. I just can’t take that anymore. What can I do to make her accept school? Any suggestion would be great as I am clueless.

I think I might be getting drug withdrawal, as I just can’t sleep at night. I am getting cold, then hot and sweaty. It is a withdrawal symptom that I read about so I know it could be psychological as well. It only started on Sunday which is over the 6-8 hours after my last dose but I took it for so long. Almost two full months (or was it a little over two months?). At any rate I am sure it is withdrawal and so I just don’t feel right. I have been through this before so I know the feeling. All I can do is ride it out. Greg wants me to get the bone scan and biopsy but I am not loving that idea.

My insomnia could also be to the upcoming anniversary. Seven years later and I still feel the pain as if it as today. All of the innocence lost both on the planes and in the buildings. They had a show on the history channel last night and I just cried the whole time. They showed what the plane did with computer graphics when it hit tower one. How it disintegrated into the building and stripped the fire proofing away. All I could think of was that I hoped it had hit my friend. That she went without knowing or feeling anything. Then the guilt of knowing that others were not that lucky. What about them? And the people on the planes. Some babies and small children what of them? It just hurts so much. Then the event ion Washington and the Pentagon, and in Pennsylvania. So much lost in such a short time. Anthony was watching with me, as it did not actually get very graphic. The computer animations were like line drawings on grid paper. He did see the towers collapse and the pentagon as well. He now wants to go to the site to see the footprint. He will have to wait as neither Greg nor I can go there yet.

Stomach Bug...

I think I have a stomach bug as today I am going to the bathroom a lot. Yesterday I was sick all day, nauseous and throwing up. So I think it is working its way through me.

I cancelled my pain management appointment for tomorrow as I am handling it on my own. It have some pain but nothing that I can not handle and right now I just want to be drug free.

Greg was really bad today and just wouldn’t get up. He overslept by one hour! Everything was off and everyone was cranky. It was an awful morning. Lara cried all the way to school and then clung onto me crying. I just can’t take it anymore. I swear I want to get a cattle prod for that boy! I mean if things were less hectic here maybe Lara would feel better. KWIM? As it is now all we do is rush, rush, rush. All because Greg doesn’t want to wake up first. Well he is the one that needs over and hour of solid bathroom time to get ready for work. I only need ten minutes. So what should I do? Wake up and hour early so that his highness can sleep an extra ten minutes? Don’t think so. Then I would be up and it would be too early for Lara to get up so all I would do is wait? Ugh this boy just got too much mommy and daddy service for way tooo long!

Sorry for the kvetch.

Goodbye Medications!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am down to one drop a day with the drops and some days I skip them. I think this next appointment will be my last. I am sick of these meds already. I still have the infection on my cut. I put stuff on during the day with a bandage, and stuff alone at night to air out. Well I got the results on Thursday of all the tests. The heart test had not come back yet so that will come the next visit. The radioactive one showed Sarcoidosis in my lymph nodes in both my chest and neck. Now the doctor wants to do a bone scan to see where the pain is coming from and then a bone marrow biopsy. Not sure if they are suspecting marrow cancer and so am confused about that test. We have to get approvals of those tests and I just don’t want to do them. Greg is also wondering of I can go solo so he doesn’t have to take off from work. The first one requires radioactive injection which made me nauseas and the second I think is quite painful from what I have heard.

Friday was another rough day of Lara not wanting to go to school and ten not wanting me to pick her up. We got a whole list of supplies to get for her special Ed class. So we have to go shopping again. We stayed at home at night because of the coming storm. I was very tired and slept through the night. Right through my 3 AM Percocet alarm. I woke up at 8 AM Saturday.

Saturday I woke up at 8 AM with a neck ache and back pain but nothing that severe. So I decided to skip the Percocet. I am happy to say I haven’t had another one since. It is so nice to not have to worry about what time it is and when I have to take my next pill! The storm came at about 1 PM. About noon Greg mentioned our gutters were probably clogged and that we would have to clean them out. He also wanted to take everything of the floor in the basement. We have some toys and such down there as well as some jar and canned foods. When we fixed the plumbing we moved the downstairs cabinet and never put it back. So the food was on the floor on bags. Only jars and cans no boxes, as they would get moldy and book lice. I took the job of the gutters. Greg got the ladder all set and I did the whole house’s gutter in about a half hour. I am good with ladders even if sick! Greg is too cautious and would have taken longer. Anyway as I put the ladder away I felt the first drip, so I took just the right amount of time. They were really clogged too so no doubt we would have flooded had I not done that. We had some minor drips in the back room, but no flooding. When we saw the radar we saw that the majority of the storm was west of us and east of us. We were in a little pocket this time and so were not hit hard.

Today I woke up achy and nauseous. Not sure if it is Percocet withdrawal or not as I have had bouts of nausea for a while now. Also I read that withdrawal symptoms start 6-8 hours after the last dose and since my last one was Friday at 11 PM I think it is too long for that to start now. We managed to go to church, and then Greg went to work to prepare for a class. I am home with the children. I was going to visit my parents but I am just not up to it now. I just feel so sick. Just waiting for the hag to show up at my door.

Busy days...

Things are not well with my incision from the biopsy. Unfortunately it is now infected and oozing (sorry if TMI). So now I have to keep a band aid and antibacterial ointment on it during the day. At night I air it out with just a dab of ointment. It is also very itchy and a tiny bit painful.

This week has been so busy! Monday was a lazy day for us, but Greg was home so he kept me from the computer. We ended up going to visit my parents in Pearl River and staying for dinner. We ordered pizza from a local place in Nanuet. It is sooooo good. They make everything themselves so it is not like any other pizza place as most buy the ingredients and just put them together. Not there they make it all home made and I love it. We all had a nice time there.

Tuesday we had the meeting to get all the information about Lara's schedule. She will be in class most of the day but pulled for Math and English. She will be then in a small group with two other students so she will get a lot of personal attention. Later on we rushed the vaccine record to the doctor and got her shots. Turned out all she needed was a chicken pox update. I was happy they did not charge a co pay for the shots as we had already paid a co pay with the exam. I am positive the old doctor would have charged us. I love the new place. Later Greg wanted to go to do “something fun” outside. Well with my eye I just can’t do it. So he stayed in too. I mean why? I finally told him off. All last year I managed to take the two children to their favorite park by myself. I would walk there and back (about a mile, but uphill from us and a steep hill at that). All he had to do was to take the car, but he didn’t want to go alone. Ugh. We finally all went at 5 PM. We stayed a long time and by the time we got home I was exhausted. I got Greg to give the children a bath while I went to sleep. I was only going to take a short snooze, but slept through the night instead.

Wednesday I was up early to mark all of Lara’s school supplies. Greg slept late (big surprise there!) and slowed things down a bit. Lara was not very wiling to go to school. She didn’t want to get dressed or eat her breakfast. I tried to get her excited with her new school supplies but that just didn’t work. Later on we were a little late for school. She made it in time for line up but just as they were going in two seconds after we went in line. Greg was still parking the car. Well she had a fit and refused to go in. She was screaming and crying so I had to get her alone as to try to keep things as private as possible (although everyone was staring at that point). She refused to go in. Greg showed up and I wanted him to help. He had Anthony though and so stayed away! Ugh! Tanks Hun! NOT! Anyway so eventually I get her in the office. She still says she will miss me and she wants to stay with me. The office lady takes her to class and when she got back said Lara was fine by the time they got to the classroom. When we went to pick her up she shouted that she hated us and ran away! Poor Greg was there with a camera and what we got was her yelling at us!

During the day we took Anthony to the doctor as he said his back hurt. He fell from the windowsill last week and according to him his back still hurt. I didn’t know at the time he had fallen so far. I thought it was just the toy box but I guess he has done that enough so he has to move higher up now. It is high and our floors are cement so it can cause damage. When we got to the doctor though he was sooo happy he got to play with the toys there. I started to think he only said his back hurt to get to the toys. Greg thinks not, but I think so. I also had an eye exam last night. The doctor said my eye is getting better even though the drops hurt more to put in. So now I am on one drop a day and so can drive again!!!! My right eye is not all blurred out. A little out of focus but not all blurred out. I am happy about that. Later on we had ice cream at a local place that makes it home made and home made whipped cream. Very tasty!

This morning things did not go smoothly. At least Lara stayed on line and went in with her class. All I had to do was stand by her but there were no tears. I kept trying to move away but to no avail she would pull me back to her. Oh well at least it was progress over yesterday. Again Greg slept late. I just don’t know how to get him out of bed on time. He had the whole summer where all he had to do was get himself ready and so is spoiled. He wakes up late and messes everything up. Do they sell cattle prods on e-bay?

Later on today I have the appointment that will give me the results from last week’s tests. Wish me luck!

Some fun...

Friday I had my MRI at the hospital. All went well. It was funny as this time I had this mirror devise that I could see out of the tube with. Well I look over at the techs and they are gabbing away, talking with their hands and having a great time. It was like seeing an episode of “House” where they show them doing MRI’s and just talking away barely paying attention to the patient. After I just went home and hung out. Later on we went to target to get stuff for my mom.

Saturday we went to one of my brother’s for a party for my mom. Her birthday is today. Anyway he has a pool that is not heated. Lara wanted to go in and I tried but it was soooooo cold. I couldn’t do it. She was so sad. I caved and went in. She finds out how cold it is and can’t go in. She can’t get past her mid calf on the ladder. So what does she do? She goes on a raft and has me push her around. She is nice and warm and I am the one in the freezing water. It was funny. I got used to the cold in a few minutes and so it was OK. Later Anthony joined us on the tour of the pool. I had to give them one day of fun this summer.
It was nice to see so many people. I have been so alone all summer I wasn’t used to it. I really have been isolated as most days I just see Greg and the children. Unless I have a test then I see my parents before and after and the techs. Kind of lonely. I wish I lived closer to my family that way I could get more support. I did get a package with a lovely card and chocolates that brightened up my day! They arrived on Saturday I think.
Today is my mom’s birthday. Maybe we will pop by over there. I want to spend time with her.

Greg has been a poop today. He got up first only after I pointed out that I was sick and got up early two days in a row for the children. He gave them breakfast but the decided to fix the faucet instead of getting ready for church! During this time there was nothing but yelling and arguing so much for my sleep in day. When he sleeps late I keep the children quiet. So I got both children ready. After church he plops on the couch! I get the children their play clothes on and their lunch. He just sits there watching TV!!!! Now does he see to it that they eat? Nope too busy watching "Willy Wonka". Ugh I am getting mad!

More tests...

Well I talked to my regular doctor last night. He said that he will continue to give me the Percocet until I see the Pain management doctor. So that is one less thing to worry about. I was worried that my meds would be cut off a week plus before I got to see the pain management and thus making the pain management worthless. After all I need that when I have the pain, right? Anyway today I had the gallium scan at the hospital. It took about an hour to do. It had two big flat square things that rotated around me in a complete 180 degree rotation. I wasn’t loving that test as the plates were very close to my face. They were short staffed today and so at first they left the room, but when I said I prefer someone in the room with me one was always there. I just felt like the thing could crush me.

Tonight we have to take Lara for a CBC at a Quest lab for school. Her doctor’s office is no longer covered by our insurance so we have to go to an independent lab. Hopefully that will go smoothly. Tomorrow I have a MRI of my head. It is hard keeping track of all these tests and appointments. I am just feeling like a human guinea pig. I am just so tired of all this. My family might get together this weekend for my mother’s birthday. I hope we do, as that would be something fun to do for a change.

Anthony is getting restless and destroying things all over the house. I had my little TV in the living room but took it away as he just couldn’t keep his hands off of it and it feel down. I put it back this morning while my parent’s baby sat and so far he has left it alone. The minute he touches it though out it will go. I just wish we could fix out big TV or just get rid of it already.

Needless to say with all this TTCing is just a non issue. I can not get pregnant while taking radio active material inside of me or taking the Percocet. Not sure if I will ever get back to that at this point. Heck I am not even sold that I will be here nine months from now as bad as I am feeling now.

More Tests and School...

Monday I did my best to try to relax but there was the laundry to do. Also the children were just not in a good mood and so were extra bad. At one point during the day Anthony knocked over the TV set in the living room. Or big set is broken for some time now and so we are using my old 13” set. It is very special to me as it was a gift from my mom and dad and so I was upset when it fell and yelled at him. The set works still (guardian angel working extra overtime?) but I feel bad about yelling. I think we all have a bit of cabin fever. Later on my FIL came over and took them to the near by park. We also set up all the test I have to do this week to determine how bad the Sarcoidosis is. I was able to get my parents to baby sits all of the days. One of the tests requires that I get radio active material in me so it is actually a good thing that I am not pregnant. Sad as that is to write.

Tuesday we went to get an Echo cardio gram to see if the Sarcoidosis has spread to my heart. I don’t know the results yet but it was interesting to see my heart on the monitor beating away. I never knew it had fluxations in the valves. I always thought they were just solid flaps but there is a wiggle to them. Live and learn. I also got the radioactive stuff in me. They will do the scan with that on Thursday, as it needs two days in me to spread out. They told me it will be gone in a week, but right now I just feel like a freak with this stuff in me. I just don’t feel right at all. KWIM? Later on we took Lara for her school physical. Her old doctor has not yet forwarded her immunization records! We switched in April! So we are royally messed up as she is away until September 8th. What pediatrician goes on vacation on the last weeks of august until after the first weeks of September? What about her patients and their school physicals? Something is just not right. We now have to wait until September 2nd when the school nurse comes back. She can copy the record we gave her last year and we can bring them to the doctor. Then he can give the shots she need so she can go to school. I have to set up an appointment for September 2nd. It will be tight. On a happy note we bought her some back to school clothing last night. They are really cute. We got a few dresses and some long sleeved shirts. Her current jeans are good for now.

My eye is hurting again and is all blurry. If I am late on the pain meds my back hurts. My regular doctor gave me my last script for Percocet. He wants me to go to a pain management doctor. What ever that is. I tried to set up an appointment yesterday, but they said they had to call me back. They haven’t so far. I am just not feeling good today at all. Tired, achy and blurry vision. I have no tests today but I do tomorrow and Friday. None of which will look at my back which is the pain that launched all these tests. I think I am the only one that finds it strange that the one complaint I had back in may has yet to be addressed. Ugh when will someone address the painful area?????

Sunday...

Today Greg is being extra good as I think he knows he just went too far yesterday. I mean Dee is a close friend and to say she said I act like a 17 year old was just too much. I am sad to say after they left the house I had a glass of wine to relax. Well it did not mix well with the Percocet and I got loopy. Didn’t think that would happen. Anyway I slept most of the night after that. Not exactly mom of the year material. I am no hung over today as I only had the one glass.

I did not get to go to church as Lara had a fit about wearing her shoes. Her daddy and her got into a lock horn about what shoes to wear and then she started having a fit. It was getting late so Greg just took Anthony while Lara and I stayed at home. I really wish they would stop locking horns like that.

I still can’t see clearly out of my right eye, and so can’t drive anywhere. I feel like I am trapped in this house. There isn’t much nearby. Most things are about a mile which I am not sure I can walk in my state of health. I just wish the eye would clear up.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Wednesday I finally saw the Pulmonologist. Well the doctor was OK, but could not tell me why I have the pain in my back or neck which is why this all started back in May I think. I am not sure now. Was it tiredness from April until May when the pain started or was the pain sooner? Anyway he did know why so again I have to have some more tests.

Thursday we finally found out that Lara has been accepted into first grade. We went able to get her school supplies that night as Greg got home late and I want feeling well. I had decided to clean up our room and it took more of me that I realized it would.

Friday I went to the eye doctor again with the children and Greg. There was this incredible nasty woman there that hated the children. She kept on giving them dirty looks when they made any noise. Hello? If you want dead silence than stay at home! Otherwise people make noise. She was just a mean woman and blurted out anything she felt at any given moment. At one point this other woman was in the waiting room and just laughed at her as she was saying how she was going to barf. Later on she said, “I usually love children, but these two I just can't stand. I really hate the little girl”. I just gave her husband a leer. I mean WTF!!!!! You said that out loud in front of the girl’s mother? What moron would do that? I just bit my tongue and prayed that she would loose her voice! Later on we bought the school supplies for Lara. I also had to call the doctor to get more drugs, but now he isn’t sure I should get them. He wants me to do pain management. How can I do that before they find out what exactly I am managing? So my script was for less drugs than usual. I guess I will cal him on Monday to see what is up with that as I only found that out today (Saturday) when I was finally able to get the prescription filled.

Today has been awful. I picked up the script at the doctors and went to CVS to get it filled. At first they weren’t going to do it because the computer said I should still have more pills from my last fill. That is because the doctor that wrote it wrote the wrong dosage. Instead of one every 4 hours he made it 1 every 6 hours. Well I followed the 1 every 4 hours. Eventually I got that straightened out and got the pills but there was less than usually so I still have to call the doctor on Monday to find out why. Then we go to go on a family walk. Well Anthony keeps on kicking me seat so I tell him to stop, he doesn’t. So I tell him to stop or I will cancel the trip. So then Greg instead of backing me up says that we cant cancel the trip as they have done nothing fun all summer and that I am ruining the day just like I ruined the whole summer. So I get mad at him and want to go home. The children cry they want their hot dogs at this place that Greg promised them. We get there and I want to just walk home. Well then Greg won’t buy the hot dogs. So we get into a huge fight and end up making a scene with everyone staring at us! I just want to die and walk off by myself while he finally gets the stupid hot dogs.

I want to walk home, but again Greg says he has to drive me. While he is driving me home he tells me I act like a 17 year old just like someone told him I do. I want to know who but he won't say. Eventually he does tell me after a huge fight and crying. It was a friend that actually was saying that I look like I am 17, not act, it was a compliment not an insult but he twisted it around to make it that way. I get home and just want to be left alone. Again he just doesn’t get it. So eventually he takes the children to the park and I am left at home steaming. I just hate him now and wish I had never been so stupid as to marry him. I am upset about being sick. I am tired of taking meds. Tired of only seeing out of one eye. Tired of him making me feel guilty about not doing anything fun with the children. Tired of all this BS. Why can’t I just be happy?

Seeking help...

I am finally seeing the Pulmonologist today at 5 PM. My mom and dad are coming over to watch the children so we can actually hear what the doctor has to say about the Sarcoidosis and my eye. I got a referral waiting for me at my primary doctor’s office. Greg will have to get it, as I still can’t drive with my eye all blurry. Greg actually suggested that I do go but again I reminded him that I really can’t see out of one eye and that probably isn’t a great idea. Ugh it is amazing how fast he can forget everything. I mean we are talking nanoseconds here. I had just reminded him about my eye and then he wants me to drive?

The children are tearing apart the sofa again. I just don’t know what they have against that sofa. Why take off all the cushions? It is filthy and I just can’t clean it at my state so it is just staying dirty. I have couch cleaner and everything but by the time everyone is ion bed I am out cold in mine. OK that sounded bad. Out cold from my illness and not you know booze or drugs (the fun kind that is) I have lots of the non-fun ones to take.

Last night I did the salt spell on my house. I went to every room with a salt shaker and opened up the window then I said:

Gods of the north, south, east and west, bless this room.
Winds of the north, south, east and west, cleanse this room
Lights of the north, south, east and west, fill this room with healing light.

Earth, Air, Fire, Water - bring peace, harmony and joy to this room
Salt cleanse this room
Air freshen this room
Let water and fire be used only for peace in this room.

The blessings of the Lord and Lady are upon this room. Let no evil pass nor exist here. I ask this in the name of the father, son and Holy Ghost amen.

I hope that gets rid of what ever is here with us. Something creepy is going on. Anthony keeps talking about his friend that he talks with. He says the boy told him to do this or that. He says the boy is in the house with us. I know that little children often get imaginary friends and that they are usually the same sex and age as the child. I know all that but I just in general have had a bad feeling since day one at this house. I have had the feeling something bad happened to a little boy here. I tried to do searches on Google, but came up with nothing. Hopefully the salt spell will work. My house is so messy now that I could not clean up the salt afterward so hopefully now we won’t get ants.

Greg was a piss. At first he said the whole thing creped him out and that I was scaring the children. Well I explained to the children I was doing a cleansing spell to rid the house of anything bad and they were OK with that. I think it helps that Disney has a show that they watch that is a sit com about a family of witches. So no satanic thing was going on in their heads. So I did all the rooms on the main floor (we have a ranch) and said I was done. Well Greg then told me that I should do the basement as well that the windows down there can open. So I guess he did a 180 on the whole creepy spell notion! So I did it down there too. I felt better going to bed. If my health doesn’t improve I will try to get some sage, a feather and something else I was supposed to get that I forget now.