Some fun...

Friday I had my MRI at the hospital. All went well. It was funny as this time I had this mirror devise that I could see out of the tube with. Well I look over at the techs and they are gabbing away, talking with their hands and having a great time. It was like seeing an episode of “House” where they show them doing MRI’s and just talking away barely paying attention to the patient. After I just went home and hung out. Later on we went to target to get stuff for my mom.

Saturday we went to one of my brother’s for a party for my mom. Her birthday is today. Anyway he has a pool that is not heated. Lara wanted to go in and I tried but it was soooooo cold. I couldn’t do it. She was so sad. I caved and went in. She finds out how cold it is and can’t go in. She can’t get past her mid calf on the ladder. So what does she do? She goes on a raft and has me push her around. She is nice and warm and I am the one in the freezing water. It was funny. I got used to the cold in a few minutes and so it was OK. Later Anthony joined us on the tour of the pool. I had to give them one day of fun this summer.
It was nice to see so many people. I have been so alone all summer I wasn’t used to it. I really have been isolated as most days I just see Greg and the children. Unless I have a test then I see my parents before and after and the techs. Kind of lonely. I wish I lived closer to my family that way I could get more support. I did get a package with a lovely card and chocolates that brightened up my day! They arrived on Saturday I think.
Today is my mom’s birthday. Maybe we will pop by over there. I want to spend time with her.

Greg has been a poop today. He got up first only after I pointed out that I was sick and got up early two days in a row for the children. He gave them breakfast but the decided to fix the faucet instead of getting ready for church! During this time there was nothing but yelling and arguing so much for my sleep in day. When he sleeps late I keep the children quiet. So I got both children ready. After church he plops on the couch! I get the children their play clothes on and their lunch. He just sits there watching TV!!!! Now does he see to it that they eat? Nope too busy watching "Willy Wonka". Ugh I am getting mad!

More tests...

Well I talked to my regular doctor last night. He said that he will continue to give me the Percocet until I see the Pain management doctor. So that is one less thing to worry about. I was worried that my meds would be cut off a week plus before I got to see the pain management and thus making the pain management worthless. After all I need that when I have the pain, right? Anyway today I had the gallium scan at the hospital. It took about an hour to do. It had two big flat square things that rotated around me in a complete 180 degree rotation. I wasn’t loving that test as the plates were very close to my face. They were short staffed today and so at first they left the room, but when I said I prefer someone in the room with me one was always there. I just felt like the thing could crush me.

Tonight we have to take Lara for a CBC at a Quest lab for school. Her doctor’s office is no longer covered by our insurance so we have to go to an independent lab. Hopefully that will go smoothly. Tomorrow I have a MRI of my head. It is hard keeping track of all these tests and appointments. I am just feeling like a human guinea pig. I am just so tired of all this. My family might get together this weekend for my mother’s birthday. I hope we do, as that would be something fun to do for a change.

Anthony is getting restless and destroying things all over the house. I had my little TV in the living room but took it away as he just couldn’t keep his hands off of it and it feel down. I put it back this morning while my parent’s baby sat and so far he has left it alone. The minute he touches it though out it will go. I just wish we could fix out big TV or just get rid of it already.

Needless to say with all this TTCing is just a non issue. I can not get pregnant while taking radio active material inside of me or taking the Percocet. Not sure if I will ever get back to that at this point. Heck I am not even sold that I will be here nine months from now as bad as I am feeling now.

More Tests and School...

Monday I did my best to try to relax but there was the laundry to do. Also the children were just not in a good mood and so were extra bad. At one point during the day Anthony knocked over the TV set in the living room. Or big set is broken for some time now and so we are using my old 13” set. It is very special to me as it was a gift from my mom and dad and so I was upset when it fell and yelled at him. The set works still (guardian angel working extra overtime?) but I feel bad about yelling. I think we all have a bit of cabin fever. Later on my FIL came over and took them to the near by park. We also set up all the test I have to do this week to determine how bad the Sarcoidosis is. I was able to get my parents to baby sits all of the days. One of the tests requires that I get radio active material in me so it is actually a good thing that I am not pregnant. Sad as that is to write.

Tuesday we went to get an Echo cardio gram to see if the Sarcoidosis has spread to my heart. I don’t know the results yet but it was interesting to see my heart on the monitor beating away. I never knew it had fluxations in the valves. I always thought they were just solid flaps but there is a wiggle to them. Live and learn. I also got the radioactive stuff in me. They will do the scan with that on Thursday, as it needs two days in me to spread out. They told me it will be gone in a week, but right now I just feel like a freak with this stuff in me. I just don’t feel right at all. KWIM? Later on we took Lara for her school physical. Her old doctor has not yet forwarded her immunization records! We switched in April! So we are royally messed up as she is away until September 8th. What pediatrician goes on vacation on the last weeks of august until after the first weeks of September? What about her patients and their school physicals? Something is just not right. We now have to wait until September 2nd when the school nurse comes back. She can copy the record we gave her last year and we can bring them to the doctor. Then he can give the shots she need so she can go to school. I have to set up an appointment for September 2nd. It will be tight. On a happy note we bought her some back to school clothing last night. They are really cute. We got a few dresses and some long sleeved shirts. Her current jeans are good for now.

My eye is hurting again and is all blurry. If I am late on the pain meds my back hurts. My regular doctor gave me my last script for Percocet. He wants me to go to a pain management doctor. What ever that is. I tried to set up an appointment yesterday, but they said they had to call me back. They haven’t so far. I am just not feeling good today at all. Tired, achy and blurry vision. I have no tests today but I do tomorrow and Friday. None of which will look at my back which is the pain that launched all these tests. I think I am the only one that finds it strange that the one complaint I had back in may has yet to be addressed. Ugh when will someone address the painful area?????

Sunday...

Today Greg is being extra good as I think he knows he just went too far yesterday. I mean Dee is a close friend and to say she said I act like a 17 year old was just too much. I am sad to say after they left the house I had a glass of wine to relax. Well it did not mix well with the Percocet and I got loopy. Didn’t think that would happen. Anyway I slept most of the night after that. Not exactly mom of the year material. I am no hung over today as I only had the one glass.

I did not get to go to church as Lara had a fit about wearing her shoes. Her daddy and her got into a lock horn about what shoes to wear and then she started having a fit. It was getting late so Greg just took Anthony while Lara and I stayed at home. I really wish they would stop locking horns like that.

I still can’t see clearly out of my right eye, and so can’t drive anywhere. I feel like I am trapped in this house. There isn’t much nearby. Most things are about a mile which I am not sure I can walk in my state of health. I just wish the eye would clear up.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Wednesday I finally saw the Pulmonologist. Well the doctor was OK, but could not tell me why I have the pain in my back or neck which is why this all started back in May I think. I am not sure now. Was it tiredness from April until May when the pain started or was the pain sooner? Anyway he did know why so again I have to have some more tests.

Thursday we finally found out that Lara has been accepted into first grade. We went able to get her school supplies that night as Greg got home late and I want feeling well. I had decided to clean up our room and it took more of me that I realized it would.

Friday I went to the eye doctor again with the children and Greg. There was this incredible nasty woman there that hated the children. She kept on giving them dirty looks when they made any noise. Hello? If you want dead silence than stay at home! Otherwise people make noise. She was just a mean woman and blurted out anything she felt at any given moment. At one point this other woman was in the waiting room and just laughed at her as she was saying how she was going to barf. Later on she said, “I usually love children, but these two I just can't stand. I really hate the little girl”. I just gave her husband a leer. I mean WTF!!!!! You said that out loud in front of the girl’s mother? What moron would do that? I just bit my tongue and prayed that she would loose her voice! Later on we bought the school supplies for Lara. I also had to call the doctor to get more drugs, but now he isn’t sure I should get them. He wants me to do pain management. How can I do that before they find out what exactly I am managing? So my script was for less drugs than usual. I guess I will cal him on Monday to see what is up with that as I only found that out today (Saturday) when I was finally able to get the prescription filled.

Today has been awful. I picked up the script at the doctors and went to CVS to get it filled. At first they weren’t going to do it because the computer said I should still have more pills from my last fill. That is because the doctor that wrote it wrote the wrong dosage. Instead of one every 4 hours he made it 1 every 6 hours. Well I followed the 1 every 4 hours. Eventually I got that straightened out and got the pills but there was less than usually so I still have to call the doctor on Monday to find out why. Then we go to go on a family walk. Well Anthony keeps on kicking me seat so I tell him to stop, he doesn’t. So I tell him to stop or I will cancel the trip. So then Greg instead of backing me up says that we cant cancel the trip as they have done nothing fun all summer and that I am ruining the day just like I ruined the whole summer. So I get mad at him and want to go home. The children cry they want their hot dogs at this place that Greg promised them. We get there and I want to just walk home. Well then Greg won’t buy the hot dogs. So we get into a huge fight and end up making a scene with everyone staring at us! I just want to die and walk off by myself while he finally gets the stupid hot dogs.

I want to walk home, but again Greg says he has to drive me. While he is driving me home he tells me I act like a 17 year old just like someone told him I do. I want to know who but he won't say. Eventually he does tell me after a huge fight and crying. It was a friend that actually was saying that I look like I am 17, not act, it was a compliment not an insult but he twisted it around to make it that way. I get home and just want to be left alone. Again he just doesn’t get it. So eventually he takes the children to the park and I am left at home steaming. I just hate him now and wish I had never been so stupid as to marry him. I am upset about being sick. I am tired of taking meds. Tired of only seeing out of one eye. Tired of him making me feel guilty about not doing anything fun with the children. Tired of all this BS. Why can’t I just be happy?

Seeking help...

I am finally seeing the Pulmonologist today at 5 PM. My mom and dad are coming over to watch the children so we can actually hear what the doctor has to say about the Sarcoidosis and my eye. I got a referral waiting for me at my primary doctor’s office. Greg will have to get it, as I still can’t drive with my eye all blurry. Greg actually suggested that I do go but again I reminded him that I really can’t see out of one eye and that probably isn’t a great idea. Ugh it is amazing how fast he can forget everything. I mean we are talking nanoseconds here. I had just reminded him about my eye and then he wants me to drive?

The children are tearing apart the sofa again. I just don’t know what they have against that sofa. Why take off all the cushions? It is filthy and I just can’t clean it at my state so it is just staying dirty. I have couch cleaner and everything but by the time everyone is ion bed I am out cold in mine. OK that sounded bad. Out cold from my illness and not you know booze or drugs (the fun kind that is) I have lots of the non-fun ones to take.

Last night I did the salt spell on my house. I went to every room with a salt shaker and opened up the window then I said:

Gods of the north, south, east and west, bless this room.
Winds of the north, south, east and west, cleanse this room
Lights of the north, south, east and west, fill this room with healing light.

Earth, Air, Fire, Water - bring peace, harmony and joy to this room
Salt cleanse this room
Air freshen this room
Let water and fire be used only for peace in this room.

The blessings of the Lord and Lady are upon this room. Let no evil pass nor exist here. I ask this in the name of the father, son and Holy Ghost amen.

I hope that gets rid of what ever is here with us. Something creepy is going on. Anthony keeps talking about his friend that he talks with. He says the boy told him to do this or that. He says the boy is in the house with us. I know that little children often get imaginary friends and that they are usually the same sex and age as the child. I know all that but I just in general have had a bad feeling since day one at this house. I have had the feeling something bad happened to a little boy here. I tried to do searches on Google, but came up with nothing. Hopefully the salt spell will work. My house is so messy now that I could not clean up the salt afterward so hopefully now we won’t get ants.

Greg was a piss. At first he said the whole thing creped him out and that I was scaring the children. Well I explained to the children I was doing a cleansing spell to rid the house of anything bad and they were OK with that. I think it helps that Disney has a show that they watch that is a sit com about a family of witches. So no satanic thing was going on in their heads. So I did all the rooms on the main floor (we have a ranch) and said I was done. Well Greg then told me that I should do the basement as well that the windows down there can open. So I guess he did a 180 on the whole creepy spell notion! So I did it down there too. I felt better going to bed. If my health doesn’t improve I will try to get some sage, a feather and something else I was supposed to get that I forget now.

Eye problems...

keep taking the Percocet so the pain in my back and neck are not a problem. My eye is the biggest thing now. My right eye is still dilated because the med I take three times a day keeps it that way. It is supposed to speed up the healing. As a result my right eye is very light sensitive, achy, and blurred vision. I really only see with my left eye now. So now my lazy left eye that usually doesn’t do a thing is doing most the work and is complaining about that. I get tired easily. I have still been doing my blinkies and glitter names but they are harder to do and I am not really sure what they look like as to me they are all blurry. Hopefully they are not blurry to everyone else.

Lara and Anthony have been fighting all day so I had to yell at them. I feel like such a bad mommy to do that but they just won’t stop. Anthony took apart the sofa and living room so I put him in the cooler (AKA his crib) he is too quite there I have to check up on him. Yep too quite he moved the crib to the dresser and was playing with Lara’s stuff. Predictable? yes. I think I am going to plan my get away to Lisbon falls Maine now.
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Eye Doctor...

I am just getting so frustrated. OK so Greg says that the doctors need to see me to monitor me because of the meds. Simple solution for e is to just stop the meds. So we go to the doctor and I tell the doctor I can’t keep taking the meds if he has to monitor me and that my husband can’t keep taking off of work to take me there. The doctor says I have a serious disease and that I have to continue as my eye sight is at stake. Greg chimes in taking off work is no problem. (Total BS as he was kvetching about it yesterday that it was too much time) so he puts drops in my eyes and examines me, and send me home to continue the meds. We get back and I just want to throw up and die. Greg starts in again about having to go right back to work. Of coarse this is when Lara wets her pants and now Greg is mad that he has to change them, as I am lying on the bed sick yet again. Then to top it he has to make lunch, as they are hungry. He is just not a happy camper doing any of this and saying how much work he is missing. He eventually goes off and now I have to stay up to make sure the children don’t toss food all over the place.

This is just so bad. He says one thing at the doctors and another thing at home. He is Mr. Perfect Patient’s Husband there and the DH I know at home. UGH I just want to stop all of this. I am sick of looking like a psycho. I also can’t drive like this. The doctor casually says I will be like this for “a few weeks”. So I remind Greg. Who is going to turn in Lara’s CCD paper work so she can start preparation for her first holy communion? Who is going to take her to the doctors to get her physical so she can go to school? Who is actually going to drive her to and from school? All of this is going on during those not so important few weeks I have to continue with these stupid eye drops. Even if Greg will do it, which he actually has no choice he has to, I have to hear he complaints as if this is the ideal situation for me! Hello I am not the type to like this at all.

Sorry for the kvetch.

PayPal...

Some have asked me how to use Paypal to pay as they have only used Paypal with auctions which have the automated invoices so here it goes.

If you do want to do this just sign into Paypal. Click on the tab “Send Money” . there you can type in my e-mail address (Jillian6@optonline.net) , how much you wish to pay in US dollars, and then click on “Services/others” and then “Continue”. You will then go to an invoice to confirm payment.

Again there is no pressure to do so. If I have made a blinkie or glitter name for you and you are so happy with it that you feel the need to support the artist than you can at Paypal.

Thank you in advance.

Giving up...

I am reluctant to type because I am such a downer as of late. The positive thing is that with my friend Percocet I can eat my normal diet. That is just about the only positive thing going on.

At the eye doctor he is convinced it is Sarcoidosis that went into my eye and so wants to see me Monday. My eye is all blurry now. Yesterday after the appointment we went to the mall to get some cards for my nieces and eat. Well one eye was dilated and one was small so I looked like “Bill the Cat” or should I say “Jill the Cat”? I am pissed that Greg didn’t say anything. I mean I ordered pizza at a stand. The poor worker looked strange to me I had no idea what I looked like. I was with Anthony so no doubt he said a prayer for the poor baby boy that his psycho mom would not be mean to him.

I am just pissed at Greg too for making a stink in the middle of the night that I left the refrigerator door open (again). I mean WTF! I was fast asleep and comfortable and he wakes me for that? We are supposed to go to the theater picnic today but I just don’t feel like going. My vision is all blurry, and my right eye is still dilated. I also am now taking.:
 Every hour when awake
 Every two hours when awake.
 Every four hours, setting and alarm at night when asleep.
 Eye drop #3 –Three times a day.

So even if I went on the picnic my time would be spent taking meds. Lots of fun? I think not. At this point I think I am just going to get one thing after another until my body just gives up on me. I know that sounds bad but that is how I am feeling. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I feel like there is a voodoo doll somewhere just poking me all over and wanting me dead. I am not sure I can fight that off.

Ophthalmologist...

I saw the Ophthalmologist today. The verdict isn’t final yet but the Ophthalmologist is leaning towards the Sarcoidosis. They dilated my pupils today at about 2 PM and my right eye still is dilated. It is now midnight and the stupid eye is still wide awake even though I am tired. Personally between you and me I think I look a bit like “Bill the Cat” Hmmmm............. Maybe that makes me “Jill The cat”? At any rate after the appointment we went to the mall to eat. I am now thoroughly pissed off at DH for not telling me how psycho I actually looked. I mean what in the world did that poor pizza worker think when I ordered the food? To boot I had my three year old on with me. Bet he said a prayer for the poor boy to be safe from the psycho mommy. So I am pissed at Greg for not saying a damn thing. He said e was afraid I would yell at him. WTF!? Thanks Hun, love you too! I just feel sick and that I am dying. I go from one thing to another. The only plus is that I was able to eat the pizza which I didn’t think I would. At this point I think this is just going to continue until I just fade away.

Eyes...

My eye sight is very blurry today. Could only do a few things online.

My vision is really blurry in my right eye. The eye drops are keeping the pain away though so that is good. I am also hoping it is Iritis and not the Sarcoidosis spreading to my eye as it can do that. Greg is off yesterday and today and I was hoping to do something fun, but once again sicko mom blew that out of the water. I feel so guilty about that. I am ruining the summer for everyone. This just stinks.

Iritis...

Went to the doctor I have a bad case of Iritis. So now I have two different drops to put in my eyes. I will go again tomorrow to get my eyes dilated so he can see if this is from the Sarcoidosis or not. He wanted to give my eye a day of the meds before trying that. So my luck is just not so good lately. If I was a horse they would have shot me by now. It is hard to read with this.

“The Summer of Sickness”...

Today is not going so well. I have had some soreness in my right eye but today it hurts. I can barely keep it open and it is very red. So off to another "ologist" I go. This time it is an ophthalmologist. Can’t quite figure out how the Percocet is not doing anything for the pain. Should I be pain free with that? So at any rate once again I am too ill for the family to have any summer fun today. This is truly “The Summer of Sickness”

Tired...

I really have to keep track of the Percocet and make sure I take it on time. Otherwise I am in pain. It is getting harder and harder to get up at 3 AM to take it but I have to or at 3:30 I am up and in pain. If I do take it late the pain lasts a while longer before the Percocet kicks in. I just don’t feel I am getting better. Yesterday my eye started to hurt. Now I feel as if someone punched me in the eye. I wish the doctor’s appointment wasn’t made so far away. I still have to wait until the twentieth to get answers.

Lara and Anthony have been awful. They are just too cooped up and restless. They argue all the time and yell at us. I yell at them and then everything hurts. It is just awful. I feel like a rotten mother at these times. Not to mention the house is filthy and looks like it belongs in the ghetto in some wretched garret. Greg has been helpful, but mostly he just complains that things are dirty. I just get tired easily still.

And so it goes...

I am hiding by the computer as we have a plumber over. Greg tried to hook up the water hose for the refrigerator and made a mess of it. Water was leaking so bad we had to turn off the water. So no shower as of yet today. I looked like “Medusa” after she met up with Jason! Only in this version he only got a bit of her neck. I still can’t eat but I am thinking it is no longer physical. I think it is psychological. I went to eat a bagel last night and got all tense and shaky. I just don’t know what I am going to do now.

Greg is home today and dealing with the plumber. He is also dealing with the children but Anthony was screaming so not so well. They seem to be calm now. On to another day. I have to get more Percocet as I am running out.

Pain...

My throat is actually hurting more today as is my chest. As the day progresses the pain gets worse. I might have pulled some stitches yelling at the children. They are getting restless and my temper is getting really bad. Not a good combo with stitches in you neck and chest.

Regression?

My throat seems to be sorer today. Maybe because the clear bandage is coming off? I am just really cranky too and Greg just can’t handle it at all. Yesterday he tried to put in the water hose to the new refrigerator (yep we are now modern!) but it is leaking so now the cold water is turned off. We just got into a lot of arguments over that project. I just wish he had done it but no he has to get me involved. At one point I had to drop everything to “help” him drill a hole in our water pipe. So I finished up what I was doing and went to help him. Well all I did was look at him drill the hole! He didn’t need any “help”. Pretty much the project went like that. He wanted advice, I would give it, and he did it his own way anyway. I really hated him for that as it is not like I couldn’t have done it myself with a lot less fan fare! After all I was the one that laid down the floor in the attic while taking care of a toddler and infant solo while he was away on a business trip.

We still have to get together with the superintendent of school to see what is going on with Lara. I doubt they will fight her going to 1st grade but you never know. So we are also putting her in CCD classes to prepare for her first holy communion. This is going to be an exciting year for her. So much going on. Anthony is staying with me this year as all he could do is Pre K 3, and we just don’t have money for that.

Greg is the same as always as is his dad and sister. His dad has not asked once how I am doing! I mean WTF he only has one daughter in law you think he would like to know. His sister asked I think once but didn’t say anything besides “OK”. I guess she was disappointed it wasn’t malignant. If it were she could raise the children her way, you know, the right way.

Thank you...

I just wanted to say thank you for all that have given me payment for the artwork that I have made for you. It really means a lot that you took the time and trouble of doing that. I am deeply touched by your gesture. During this difficult time the money is going to come in handy as soon my numerous co pays and deductibles are going to be steaming in from all the doctors and hospitals that I have gone through during this ordeal. So thank you again. It means more than you will ever know.

Shopping...

My throat is feeling bad today. I am sore and a bit itchy. I had tomato soup last night that went down well so I have found a new food to eat, soup. I also tried to get new t-shirts ass I only have four that are fitting. All the others are x-large and the scarfs just don’t look good with them. It only looks right when the shirts are fitted. I went to “Old Navy” but there shirts this year are so thin the just cling to my body. I am just too flat chested to make that look work. So I went to “The Gap”. Their shirts are thicker but only come in black, white and grey! They are also a bit clingy and cost $16.50 each. Of coarse the men’s which are better made are only $12 each. Ugh I hate clothes companies!

So today I will try “Target” as we have to get Anthony a bike helmet anyway. Greg is going to take the children bike riding and he needs a helmet first so off to Target we go.

Feeling better...

I am still recovering from the surgery. I did some reading on Sarcoidosis and apparently Afro Americans and those of European decent; especially Scandinavians have a higher rate of getting this. My father’s last name is Scandinavian so I guess that is the side of the family I can thank for this.

Last night we went to DQ because they were having the blizzard charity night. We were all going to get one (well except me) when we found out they weren’t doing it there so I just got ice cream for the children and Greg got the blizzard. I got a fruit freeze thing. Anyway so we had our ice cream inside and then as we were leaving met up with another family. Very nice looking with two daughters. The dad said he sold real state and coached the girl’s soccer team. They were very nice and we were having a nice chat when Lara said, “my mommy went to a place and they cut her throat”. The couple looked in shock. So I had to explain I had surgery at a hospital and not a fight. We tried to tell Lara not to do that but god only knows if she will or not. She just loves to share information with everyone. I wonder if that is the Asperger’s?

Greg is at work again, and the children are watching TV. They had pepperoni sandwiches for breakfast today. They love pepperoni. I am just trying to get through the day. Later on I think I might try to walk to CVS to get a new prescription.

Say What???!!!!...

I am not really sure how I am feeling right now. I am happy that there is no cancer, but in a quandary about the biopsy. I just learned that someone I know has Sarcoidosis in her lymph nodes that she had diagnosed without an operation. All she got was a test for it and a CAT scan. Did I go thorough all of this pain, worry and scaring of my body for nothing? This just totally sucks now if I did. I guess I will know for sure when I see the pulmonary specialist on the 20th of this month. I am just not a happy camper now.

Benign!!!...

I went to the doctor today for the results and the lymph nodes were benign. So it is not cancer and we are relieved about that. So I am off to a Pulmonologist to see what can be done as it is Sarcoidosis. The Pulmonologist will be able to tell us how severe it is and what can be done to treat it. I will see that doctor on the 20th of this month. Right now I am just happy I don’t have cancer.

The scar is about 2” x ½” but the doctor said it should fade to nothing in six months. In the mean time I am wearing scarves when I go out of the house as it looks really bad and is at an awkward place. It is not on my neck so I can’t cover it with a ribbon, and it is not below the neck line of my t-Shirts. So it is pretty much out there for all to see unless I wear a scarf. Right now I am just happy it is not cancer.

After the operation…

When I was in the recovery room I felt awful. There were so many people there, and all the beds were just out there with no curtains between them closed. So I could see everyone else. On a slight humorous note. The first thing I vaguely remember was hearing a baby crying. I was then trying to get up to help the baby when I looked around and saw I was in the recovery room. I saw the baby was being cared for and went back to sleep. So I guess my motherly instincts are still intact. I eventually was aware of what was going on at about three PM. The surgery was about 12:05 or at least that is when they wheeled me into the operating room. The anesthesiologist gave the IV in my hand which hurt, but I did my best not to say anything and was actually able to not make a noise. He messed it up and did it a second time and again I just held my breath. After I was still on their meds when I left the hospital at about 3:30 PM. I immediately took a Percocet to keep the pain away. When I got home my parents were with the children in the back yard. They sounded like they were having a lot of fun. I was feeling nauseous and so went to bed. Wish I could have thanked my parents but I felt so sick.

What I really wish is that we didn’t let the health insurance companies rule how the medical world treats its patients. I mean who the heck every decided that a patient that gets general anesthesia should be released that same day? I would think a few days in the hospital would be better than going home. At the hospital I would get three square meals delivered to my bed every day. I would have nurses to give me my meds so I don’t forget and get pain. I wouldn’t have to take care of my children, do laundry, or cook dinner. Ugh!!!!! Why the heck am I “recovering” at home? This is no “recovery” it is more sink or swim. KWIM? I still can’t eat anything more than watermelon and an occasional flavor ice thing. Maybe I will feel better after I can eat something of substance. Right now it gets stuck in my throat. I am also coughing up stuff which doesn’t help at all to feel good.

OK no more crying.

So tired...

My throat is still sore and I still can’t eat anything much. I discovered that eating watermelon is something that makes me feel good. Also I can have an ice pop with no problems but if I have a second one than my throat feels bad. Also I am coughing up stuff at night when I lie down so I have to keep my head elevated. The scar is bigger than they said it would be. It is about and inch and a half to two inches by a good three eights to one half inch wide. It looks awful and I just do not know how I will cover it up.

Ugh...

Well today is bad as I am in pain from the procedure. Now my chest hurts too so I have another pain. I have a 1-2” incision mark on the base of my neck. I covered it up before leaving the hospital as to not scare the children as it looks awful. It was bothering me though so I took it off and now all I have is the clear plastic liquid bandage that the doctor put on. My hematologist called and said the MRI showed that I have arthritis in L4 and L5 in my back and that is where that pain is coming from. I will have an appointment with him as soon as all the results come back from my biopsy. So the whole lymph node problem was just a fluke that they found it. If it weren’t for the arthritis I wouldn’t even know about it as I had no pain there and only found out about it because of the CAT scan at the emergency room. I should know by Thursday if I have cancer or not.

Today is rough. Greg stayed home but then spent most of the day working on the lawn while I took care of the children. I did some blinkie therapy and felt good about that. I finally had enough though and sent the children out with their lawn mowers to help their daddy. I am evil for that I know. Lara got a bubble lawn mower for her birthday this past 27th and Anthony had a Fisher price shape one from his first birthday. So they are both “helping” dad with the lawn. I get peace and quiet inside.

Recovery...

The surgery went well yesterday and I was released at about 4 PM. Today I am very sore and tired so no time to do much online.

The day is here...

My operation was moved to 1 PM. My parents are here we couldn’t call them in time to say it has been moved an hour.

Sleepless....

Tomorrow is the day for the biopsy. I am getting it done at noon. I thought it was 1 PM but Greg just said it is noon. It is hard to relax. He also said I was supposed to call and confirm tonight. Does that mean they will cancel because I didn’t? That would just suck at this point as this is now the second time I thought I was going to do this. I really can’t take much more.

Weekend

Lara had her last day of rec. Two of the counselors were asking if she can come back again next year, as they really liked her. I thought that was great. She seemed to be having a great time and her coloring has really improved during this month so I think it was a good move to put her in this program. We have to meet with the school principal to set her up for first grade next year. The old principal is gone and a new one is coming in so I hope that doesn’t complicate things. The EEG went smoothly. I was with Lara the whole time holding her hand. She also had her stuffed camel that she got for her birthday with her.

My MRI was not so bad. We took Lara and the staff let her see the machine that her mommy was going to be put in. She was concerned about that so the staff was very accommodating for her. When I got out I found that they had given her a stuffed gold fish (they had a tank of real fish in the waiting room) and some sparkly “Nemo” stickers. She was happy about that. Then we ate at a dinner that my mom used to take me to when I was little. Lara wanted to go there because I am a vegetarian and I can eat a meal. She didn’t want to go to a place like Burger king and see me just get fries. She is my sweetie! We also got her a toy for being so brave at her appointment.

Today I think I have a cold, as I am a bit cold and stuffed up. My legs are also a bit weak and I was stumbling before when I tried to walk. Not telling Greg about that lat one, as I don’t want him to worry. It is a rainy day here so looks like we are staying home.

Tests...

Lara is at her last day of summer recreation today. They are having a big picnic behind the town hall. She got all excited when she saw they had an inflatable slide there. On a scary note I saw a small child wandering from the group so I went after it. Turned out to be a little girl that was separated from her mommy. She was about a year and a half to two years old. She had rounded a fence so she was out of sight from the group but I saw her do it so I went after her. I brought her back to the group and sure enough her mommy was there and frantically looking for her. It was great to see them reunited. They were both so scared. I remember what it was like to loose Lara in Macys that day and was so happy someone took care of her. Being a parent is not an easy job.

Later on I have the EEG with her. I had tem done as a baby and child so I know how scary they can be. I remember thinking that I was going to get a shock from the wires. I also remember how awful it was when my mom had to shampoo out the glue after the test. I think though that they have a kinder gentler glue that isn’t as bad as when I was a child. I mean after all that was 40 years ago.

After Lara's EEG we have my MRI. They are only a couple of hours apart and a few blocks from each other so we will take Lara with us to the MRI. I think she will be OK with that, as she wanted to go to the hospital with me when I got my EKG and cried when we said no. She had me take her “Little Einstein” dolls June and Leo with me to the tests for support so I did have them when I took the test. I think the test itself should be OK. I am not crazy about going in that tunnel, but I don’t want to be a fussy patient so I will just try to be calm. Hopefully they will find out why I am getting the pain in my back and mid drift as well as my neck and head.

Wish me luck!!!!