Hallows Eve...

We carved a pumpkin finally yesterday. I wanted to go to a street that gets all decked out for Halloween but was out voted. Today I am going to just hang with Anthony and maybe get another pumpkin as his favorite design was nixed by Lara and Greg. They wanted a scary face and Anthony wanted a ghost. I also liked the ghost so if I find an inexpensive pumpkin I will carve that while the other two are away from home. I am so underhanded sometimes! Tomorrow I will be a matching ladybug with Lara. This will be the first time in a long time I am something cute for Halloween. Usually I am Goth, but as many who know me have pointed out I can get the “costume” out of my wardrobe as I like black and corsets, etc. So in reality me in a pretty ladybug outfit is a scary thing.

Moving on I hope...

Well we are done trying this month as I think I have ovulated so that is good. Greg takes so long to fell that darn cup that I am exhausted in the morning and he doesn’t get up on time so the mornings are really bad. Who know maybe the steroids will make me fertile? It would be nice if there was a positive side effect of these things, as I seem to only get the nasty ones like nausea and vomiting.
We are all set for Halloween. We have all the candy for the Trick Or Treater's. I bought some pumpkin bubbles for Lara to take in to the school party on Friday as a treat to give out there. Lara is going to be a lady bug and Anthony is going to be a bee. They already wore their costumes this past weekend twice. I will look for pictures later on as I think Greg took some. There was a costume parade at the local fire house and an event at the county zoo and we took them to both events and they had fun. We also picked out our pumpkin and will carve tonight.
Yesterday Greg’s dad said he was going to toss away all of Greg’s old clothes that were at his house. Well Greg didn’t know they were there so he went to go look at them first. His dad wanted to toss them out that day but had to wait one day and made a big deal out of that. Anyway so he goes to look at them and they are perfectly fine! They were in his old room until his sister made a big closet out of it and put his clothes in the basement. So now they are all musty and I am hoping we can get the smell out of them. I just think it was nasty for her to do that. She could have put them in the attic to avoid the must after all that is where she would have put her clothes. But in her world of “only I matter and to heel with everyone else” I guess the musty basement made sense to her. She was also probably mad because he didn’t drop everything to help her with her project. She picked the perfect time to do it and all. A week before Christmas! Go figure we were busy then! She said it could be her Christmas gift though and so whom else do we have to shop for anyway? Our children? Nope only Debbie! Anyway I am double washing them today. There are designer shirts in there that cost s a lot of money that we simply do not have to buy new ones. His family really tics me off with their wastefulness. They just toss everything out and buy new.
Any who my blinkies are not selling very well as of late. I am making a huge one for a group and I am hoping they give me something, as it is a lot of work. So far I have nine pages with 33 babies on them. All cropped to fit so it takes time to do. Hopefully business will pick up. I am thinking of applying at Target for holiday help but haven’t mentioned that to Greg as I am sure he won’t like that idea at all.

Financially bad...

Things are bad with us money wise. My medical bills are just putting a strain on us and we are not keeping up with them. We lost our savings account because the monthly fee was more than was in the account so they just closed it on us. I just went to the bank to talk to them and they offered us nothing. They said we will get the notification in our next statement. I am so mad at them for that.

If you have enjoyed any of the graphics I have made for you than this would be a great time to show that appreciation by giving a little back to the artist who made them. You can make a payment to Paypal. My account name is:

Jillian6@optonline.net

Or you could mail a check to:
Jill Hendrickson
167 Violet Dr.
Pearl River, NY, 10965

Thank you for your patronage to my endeavor.

Still ill...

I am still feeling ill, and scared to leave the house alone. Last night I went to the playhouse for Player’s Night. The play was OK, and it was nice to see people. I just felt awkward and am sure I didn’t say anything right at all. I just can’t talk anymore without sounding like an idiot. On the way home I almost got into an accident so I think night driving should be out for a while. I didn’t see the car until the last minute and we barely missed each other. It shook me up. Of coarse there was someone on a cell phone nearby that was overreacting. That is just my bad luck to have that bonus.

Hopefully we can do something fun today as Greg is finally not working this weekend. We need the money so that is why he works so much. Financially we are bad off. Apparently our bank charged us a monthly fee of $2 on our savings account and sometime this past month took the last of it so they closed our account. We were never notified of this and so didn’t even know it was closed. Greg told me yesterday after he got home from work. Yesterday I was in NY doing the soda can recycling. We are evil and take our cans up to NY when they have the nickel deposit on them. After there was a shoe store that is closing and I saw sandals for 80% off. I got a pair for $8 and felt great until Greg told me our account was closed. Now I feel guilty but can’t return them, as the closeout said “no refunds”. I wish I hadn’t bought them. I need to get a job ASAP.

Trying...

I am just not feeling well because of these darn steroids. They make me moody and crazy at the same time. I am driving myself and my family crazy. Greg is having a hard time with all of this. We have decided to move on with TTCing and am actively trying again. If not now than when? We are also going to try to reclaim our relationship by putting the children to bed at a bed time and then having alone time. Up to now they have just fallen asleep on the couch and we put them to bed. Sad but true.

I also feel very lonely but also afraid to go out. I fear I will get confused and lost. I tried to call some friends but it failed as I wasn’t speaking very coherently and no doubt they probably thought I was under the influence of something. I trued calling two friends and both ended awkward. So I just can’t even reach out other than in the cyber world. I just wish this was over already and I can move on and live. Sarcoidosis sucks big time.

Trying...

I was in a bad mood all day Friday because of that accident. This has really just hit me hard and I am very upset about it still. It was just such a stupid thing to do. Why on earth did the owner think he could do that? What could he have done had he actually caught the guy? Just all in all a stupid thing to do.
On Saturday I had a busy day as Greg was working again this weakened. He got the call at the last minute. We really need the money with all the medical appointments I have been having so we had to do it. I started off my day with a blood test for blood sugar and hemoglobin CBC. Later I took the children solo to “Family Fun day” at Lara’s school. We had promised to take them for weeks now and so they were looking forward to it. They had a great time. There were a few inflatables there a big slide, a maze and a spider thing that had Velcro. The children wore a suit made of the stiff side and a worker tossed them on a wall of the soft stuff and they stuck there. Lara hated that but Anthony loved it. All in all they both had a great time. After we just stayed at home at had some family time.
Sunday I took Lara to church solo. After she went to CCD class and I took a short walk. I ended up back at the church and so went to a second mass by myself. I need that and felt slightly better for it. Rockland County as the stores here are closed on Sunday. After that we visited with my parents and then home for dinner. I went from 40 mg. to 30 mg. of Prednisone today so that is good. Hopefully I will feel less ill and not throw up every day. Some days I get sick several times so this is not good at all.
Monday was our seventh anniversary. Greg stayed at home so no time for the computer really. I had wash to do and I made a special dinner. I also made a chocolate pie for desert. So I was busy most of the day. For dinner I made the chicken stuffed breast that I had bought from Omaha streaks. For most it is simple thing to do but not being a cook it took me more time than most. I did manage to make mashed potatoes from scratch though. I gave Greg an anniversary clock I won on e-bay and he gave me a pair of fashion earrings. I ended up getting sick after dinner again due to the darn meds I am on.
Tuesday I had to alter Lara’s PJ’s as today is “Wear Your Favorite PJ’s To School” day. They were too long for her so I hemmed the legs and arms. Again not being a seamstress it took me a long time to do. Later on I saw my Pulmonologist about the blood test and what to do. He does not want me on long term Prednisone and wants me to take other meds should I need further treatment in a month. He said that the 40 mg. was a lot for me to take and that my symptoms should decrease now that I am on 30 mg. All my symptoms are from the steroids according to him as they just have so many bad side effects. My sugar levels are normal, but once again the hemoglobin is low. So I have to get a bone marrow biopsy and some other tests. I also have to see a hematologist to set all that up. He recommended one but the one he recommended was dealing with my MIL when she was sick. The last time he saw her he sent her home saying she was OK. Well she felt so bad she went to the hospital instead and ten days later she died. So I haven’t faith in this doctor at all. I have to find another one. After I just couldn’t eat dinner and just stayed in bed and mended some more clothes. I ended up doing two pants and a shirt.
I am just so tired of being sick and am just going to try to move on. We are starting up again tonight TTCing as it is driving me crazy that we haven’t done anything in such a long time. I just have to try at least. The progesterone is still making me nauseas and sick. Still keeping me up at night. It is hard to go to sleep and once I am it is not a deep sleep and so everything wakes me up. Once up it is hard to go to sleep again. Today I was up at 5 AM and so did some graphics to ease my nerves.

WHY?????????????????

My eyes are getting better but the medicine is making me feel ill and tired all the time. I went to the theatre to help with lights and after only hanging four instruments was ready to go to bed! I just have no stamina. I fear I am gaining weight and my face is bloated. I also think my blood sugars are bad but can’t get a doctor to write up a blood work script. Yet I don’t feel like all is bad with me. I feel I should not complain, and I am a whining bitty.

Yesterday at five PM there was a terrible accident near our house. It was next to the house that is abutted to our back yard. A car was struck by another and a ten year old girl died. Her fourteen year old brother is in critical condition. Her mother and another 14 year old were also in the car but apparently OK. A man had left his Mercedes running in the driveway when he went back into his house to get keys fort a second car. When he came out a thief was taking his car. So he got into the second car and chased the thief while calling the police. The high chase pursuit led to the car colliding with the mom and children who had nothing to do with either of them. It was a block away from a school so she was probably picking them up after work. I just hate people. I mean what the heck was that man thinking of? You do not go chasing a stolen car! You call the police and let them handle it! That man is not being charged with anything which really pisses me off. He should be charged with reckless endangerment and disregard for human life. I just hope he knows that he is the reason that girl is dead today. It was a stupid car. A thing, an object, something that can be replaced. The girl was a precious gift from God that will never ever be replaced. I just hope he realizes that.

Eyes getting better...

Well the steroids are kicking in finally after one week of taking them. My wyes are still double but so close that I can now drive! This is great because Greg worked at home this weekend and I went to my parent’s house with the children. My niece and nephew were staying for the weekend and so I took advantage and was able to get the cousins together. I can drive during the day but not so at night yet and not on major highways.

Sunday I went to church with Lara as Greg was working and then to her CCD class. She had no crying when I left as the teachers got her involved right away and I took off as soon as I could. She was mad though when I picked her up that I had left her there. Later on we had fire safety behind borough hall. I was exhausted and went to bed early while Greg made hot dogs.

Monday I went back to my mom and dad’s house for more cousin time. This is one of my brother’s children that live two hours north of us so we rarely go there. Having them nearer was great, but makes me wish we hadn’t moved so far south of everyone. All the relatives around me here are his and I do not get along with them very well. One aunt refuses to write my children’s name right on their birthday cards! They have hyphenated names and all they put down is Greg’s name! The other writes in my name but misspells it so badly it is pathetic. I mean after six years why can’t they get the name right?

So now I can see better because of the drugs, but it comes with a price. I have to take extra calcium and vitamin D to keep the bone density loss down. I have to have my blood sugar tested to see if I am turning diabetic, and I could get a big face and gain weight. I am not sure about that last one as the drugs are making me nauseous and so I throw up a lot. I can not see how I could throw up so much and gain weight. I am also very tired all the time as I am still anemic.

My baby is four years old today!!!!!!!

The steroids are making me sick and cranky. They are helping with my eyesight, but all that seems to do is get me to see how sick I feel. I have to be well today though because….


My baby is four years old today!!!!!!!

Not so good...

I just feel like such a useless rag here. I can’t drive anywhere because of the double vision. I can’t walk because of the same. I am sick of looking at that darn scar on my neck that now looks really bad with the double vision. Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed. I go to sleep praying that when I wake up this bad dream will be all over with and I will be normal, but it never happens. I wake up all sick inside like I spent the night drinking away. I just don’t get it.

I get so confused. The doctor from NYC just called. Not only did I have to think hard on who he was but I could think about the doctor’s names that he was faxing my results to. I flipped through my book but came up empty. Finally I did get it. I feel so dumb they must think I am stoned or drunk. I slur my speech and am just clueless so often.

My mom and dad are coming over tomorrow for a visit. I am so happy about that. They are just coming for a visit not to sit with Anthony while I see a specialist or get a treatment. I am having to have her come also because I won an item on e-bay that I have to pick up. It has been over a week now and I told the seller the problem. She is a friend that I know through the theatre so she is very good, but I want to pay for it already. It is a Thomas Kincaid clock I got for Gregory for our anniversary. I got a super price on it so it is in budget and I have cash set aside for it. I squirreled the money little by little whenever I was given cash. Now all I have to do is get it.

My vision is still double but I am getting used to it so I can read again. I am on the steroids so hopefully I will see clearly again soon. I have to get set up for Friday. Anthony turns four ob Friday and he wants a Spiderman birthday. I want to make him a cake which will be hard with double vision. I would hate to buy one as I always make him one. I feel so useless. We also have to get his gift which we are sure will be Spiderman something.

On a happy note we all went to the movies on Saturday. I guess I got a bargain two for one with my double vision! We saw the chiwawa movie that Lara has been dying to see since she first saw the previews. It was a fun movie. The children had a great time and were happy to get out of the house after being cooped up all week.

New pain...

I have a pain in my chest at night and it becomes a bit hard to breathe. I fear that the Sarcoidosis is beating up my lymph nodes to a pulp in there or has moved to my lungs now. Neither is very good. I am thinking this is just going to get me. I am just going from one thing to another with no real rest periods.

I have been ill now since April!!!!!

When will it stop????????

The city visit...

I went into the city today to see the specialist. He is an ophthalmologist neurologist. We took the MRI films with us, as he wanted to see them first hand. Up until now they have been saying I have optic neuritis. The MRI did not show that but they said it is not always seen on an MRI. Well according to this new doctor optic neuritis does not cause double vision, and since that is the first thing I tell everyone he didn’t understand the diagnosis. The MRI does not show the optic neuritis, but it does show Sarcoidosis grains that are pushing against my optic nerve. This is causing the double vision as well as the blurred vision. So we are relived that the MRI did in fact do the trick. The official reading says it is all normal which we didn’t like. That would only mean more tests. So now we know what is happening and what to do about it. Unfortunately this means that the treatment is steroids. I can get low bone mass, anemic (already there actually) and diabetic. I have to take vitamin D and calcium supplements and have my blood sugars monitored. Hopefully this will not make me diabetic. On the superficial vain side I also hope I don’t get a big face. I will have 40 mg. for two weeks, then thirty for two weeks, then twenty, then ten. I see the doctor again in six weeks. I am going to stop going to the neurologist and ophthalmologist here in NJ. I will only see this new doctor in the city (New York City that is) and my Pulmonologist in NJ. They will work together as a team. The new doctor was not thrilled that I was diagnosed so long ago and as to date have had very little actual treatment. He is confident that my vision can be restored with the treatment. I feel like I got some answers today and although I am not thrilled about the meds it looks like I am on my way to recovery. I pray that is the case.

Follow up...

We saw the neurologist today. He said that the double vision could take time to go away he suggested an eye patch to block the bad eye so the vision is not doubled. Hopefully that will take care of the nausea as well. The MRI didn’t show anything wrong but he said it does not always show. The doctor is suggesting long term steroids, but I don’t want to get a big face. He also suggested a lumbar puncture test but that sounds painful. I was getting upset so he prescribed Zantax! I am not taking that as I think anyone would be upset in my shoes. It is not like this happy pill will make me see any better. I am going to an ophthalmologist neurologist on Friday in the city. I just want to be able to see normal again and not feel so sick. I feel like I am drunk 24/7. I hated my appointment today they were talking about me like I wasn’t in the room. Maybe next time I won’t go.