UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have started trying again this cycle. I am still not feeling well and wondering what is the point of doing this yet again. Oh when will I learn??????

Very down as of late...

I am just feeling very down as of late. Not sure if it is because yet another cycle went bust or because of this argument I got into. Maybe both, maybe neither. I am just thinking the “what if's” and I hate it when I do that but I just can’t stop thinking about it. I think what if I wasn’t LD would I have this great career now? Or what if I didn’t meet that jerk when I was younger? Would I be a more secure woman? And artist maybe? Forgot to mention in my earlier history that we were dating during the time I was applying for colleges. Well he didn’t want me to go away and instead wanted me to just stay with him. At the time I was an art major and so was showing my portfolio of all my best work around to colleges. Well he got a hold of it and sprayed it down with his hose and kept it away from me for a while. By the time I got to it, it was covered with mold. Every page from and back had mold. I took that as a “sign” I should not go into art as I thought it was an accident. Years later I found out he had done it on purpose. So what if instead of giving up I had taken a year off and redone all the work? It was too late at that point for that year but I could have tried the following year with new work. Instead I took my “sign” and majored in theatre. What if I majored in technical theatre would I have a great job on Broadway or TV today? Instead I just had a plain “theatre” major.

I just think at this point I am not going to be able to get that third child and that I am just wasting time trying to do so. I also wish I could figure out what job I could do to make myself a productive human being. Not sure if the graphics really makes me very useful. At any rate the site that was going to pay me isn’t and they now owe me for quite a few. Basically there is nothing I can do about it but refuse to make new ones if they ask, but they haven’t, so I am out the money. I can’t post much as I am just such a downer and so many positive things are happening I would not want to take the groups karma down. I just pray I can get out of this somehow.

AF came to visit…

Well AF came shortly after my post on Saturday. So another cycle down the tubes. At this point I doubt if I can have another baby. I am really down as of late about that. Also down about finances and wish there was a way out of that problem. Not even my regular circles are helping as I have gotten into a cyber argument with a real piece of work that twists everything I write.

Really bleak, black day here for me. I just don’t want to do anything. DD is home from school for spring break. I need to do something fun with her. We baked today but I really need to get out of the house.

‘The Dye Is Cast”…

Well the taxes got done and were sent out. Didn’t get the write off I was hoping for so our refund is small. I am just hoping that it will be enough to pay the property taxes. Kind of sad when a tax rebate from income is used to pay taxes in other areas. I mean what have we gone to? All our work is just to pay taxes? Anyway just praying we get the refund in time or we will have to pay a penalty.

As for TTCing? I am in the last part of the two week wait and so will soon know. Nothing I can do about it now. Thinking about POAS tomorrow as I will be 13 DPO. Usually I wait until 18 DPO but that day usually doesn’t come and at this point I think I just want to POAS as pathetic as that may seem.

Just a bad week for me with lots of tension. Hoping my friends can keep their precious babies and praying every one that got a BFP can keep their BFP. That every BFP grows into a healthy baby. That every baby grows into an old person that has lived a good life.

Tax Day!...

OK so I am now officially a moron as I still have yet to fill out the forms. I have questions that no one can answer. I asked my dad, a layer neighbor, and that layers accountant. I still have no clue and am going CRAZY now as no one is calling back like they said they would! I am getting zero help! Does dyslexia qualify as just being to darn stupid to fill out these forms? I am pretty sure they are written in Greek and I just can’t learn a new language! Ugh if I didn’t have two small children I think I would just say FI and get drunk. No wonder everyone else hires someone to do this BS! I tried to save money and I am loosing my sanity! I rather loose the money.

So long my thermometer...

Well today when I took my temperature I knew something was wrong. I pushed on the button as usually and put it in my mouth as usual but it gave the beeps signaling it was done way too soon. I thought that my temperature must be really low for it to beep so soon. When I looked to see what the temperature was though all I saw was an empty batter icon. Being half asleep I didn’t get it for another two tries. Ugh I am slow in the morning. So that is it. I have to get ne batteries before I can take my temperature so I am thinking I will keep the old battery in there for the rest of the cycle. That way I don’t have to fret over those darn numbers in the morning and I will be going through the motion of taking my temperature so when I have to I will be in the habit of doing it. Ok to me that makes sense but I am sure to other it probably doesn’t. At any rate I am now content with my dead batteries and don’t plan on buying new ones any time soon. Also now FF will have to keep my last ovulation date. So far this month I have had it changed three times! It started off as “good”, but the day before we tried so it must have been the lowest good reading you can get! Now we are at “high” and staying that way. I am such a geek I am excited over the change! I think this TTCing has got me a bit crazy.

I have to do my taxes! Only two days to go!!!!!!!!

Oh and have I mentioned I need to get a job?
DH wanted to know if he is in the blog as he is watching me now type this. I said no, but now he is!

Thank you to all that have responded to my blog!

The Two Week Wait Starts!!!!!!

I am now in my two week wait so there is nothing I can do at this point. Now is actually the easier part of my cycle. The first half I am always worried if I ma going to catch that darn elusive golden egg. Once I ovulate though I know I did everything I could do and nothing I do is actually going to make much of a difference. My progesterone was tested as fairly high and so that is not an issue with me. All I can do now is wait and see what happened. I should probably stop taking my temperatures every morning, but then it gets out of routine and so when I do need to take them I forget. This old lady either does something daily or she forgets she has to do it.