Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Why???????
I am so angry and so bitter today. I question why things happen and what is in God’s plan for all of us. I have been praying for a very dear little boy who was abused by his mother’s boyfriend and her father. The mother turned blind eye to all. He has severe head trauma and has been fighting for his life since August. He has been such a brave little boy, but he is weakening and does not have long to live. Why does God allow this? Why can’t this little boy have a happy life? How can his mother the one person who was the closest he could ever get to another human being turn on him so? She carried him in her uterus, shared her nourishment and body with him for nine months. How could she do this to him? He is a precious gift from God and she destroyed him. I can not describe the depth of hatred I feel towards this woman I have never met. I feel genuine hate for her. I feel so helpless and want to be of help. All I can do is pray to God that a miracle occurs and he not only survives but has a happy life.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Sigh...
I have to go back to the hospital and get the MRI films and deliver them to the city. I have been putting that off for some reason. I am still feeling tired and depressed. Sad to say I had a couple of nights where I drank before going to bed and had too much and pissed off Greg. I felt so bad the next day for not spending the time with the children. I just feel so sick I just wanted to sleep soundly and be pain free.
Lara is showing no signs of improvement with her meds and so Greg wants to up the dosage. He is calling the doctor today. She just can’t concentrate anymore and her habits are getting worse. She has her hand on her mouth 24/7 now. Even when eating she takes a bite and then quickly covers her mouth. As a result her face is all broken out. She is also doing that clapping thing more and more and doing repetitive baby talk. She can’t seem to control any of this. It has been a steady increase so we have ruled out this as a side effect of the meds she is taking.
Anthony is getting clingy and loves spending our time in the day when both Greg and Lara are gone. He gets to watch his DVD’s, play games, shop and just hang out with me. When the weather allows we will go for walks. I think I am going to miss him when he goes to school next year. I will be all alone then. I have never been alone in the house ever.
Greg says he wants to get closer to me but then he stays away. Last night we watched TV on his laptop in our bedroom. It was last week’s episode of “Doll House” so we had to watch it on the computer. Anyway when it was done he went into the living room and watched old episodes of “Lost”. I didn’t wake up when he came back but I just know it was the usual 5 AM. How can we fix things if he can’t even be in the same room with me? This whole thing with “Lost” is a bunch of bunk. He finds a show that is already in say season five and then starts from day one and has to catch up with his lap top in the living room. He is still on season one of “Lost”. He did this in the fall with “Desperate Housewives”. I told him about this today but he denies he is doing it. Needless to say we have no chance in you know what to ever have a baby. Unless it is spontaneous conception which is theoretically possible, but has never been recorded.
Lara is showing no signs of improvement with her meds and so Greg wants to up the dosage. He is calling the doctor today. She just can’t concentrate anymore and her habits are getting worse. She has her hand on her mouth 24/7 now. Even when eating she takes a bite and then quickly covers her mouth. As a result her face is all broken out. She is also doing that clapping thing more and more and doing repetitive baby talk. She can’t seem to control any of this. It has been a steady increase so we have ruled out this as a side effect of the meds she is taking.
Anthony is getting clingy and loves spending our time in the day when both Greg and Lara are gone. He gets to watch his DVD’s, play games, shop and just hang out with me. When the weather allows we will go for walks. I think I am going to miss him when he goes to school next year. I will be all alone then. I have never been alone in the house ever.
Greg says he wants to get closer to me but then he stays away. Last night we watched TV on his laptop in our bedroom. It was last week’s episode of “Doll House” so we had to watch it on the computer. Anyway when it was done he went into the living room and watched old episodes of “Lost”. I didn’t wake up when he came back but I just know it was the usual 5 AM. How can we fix things if he can’t even be in the same room with me? This whole thing with “Lost” is a bunch of bunk. He finds a show that is already in say season five and then starts from day one and has to catch up with his lap top in the living room. He is still on season one of “Lost”. He did this in the fall with “Desperate Housewives”. I told him about this today but he denies he is doing it. Needless to say we have no chance in you know what to ever have a baby. Unless it is spontaneous conception which is theoretically possible, but has never been recorded.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Life goes on...
I had my MRIs done yesterday at an offshoot of the hospital so no waiting. When I went last week I was told there was a two hour delay due to cases in the ER. Since we had Lara with us we had to reschedule as it was 6:30 PM and she had yet to have her dinner. We brought snacks to keep her until say seven but the two hour delay was just too much. So I had it yesterday and it was long as I had two different areas done as well as contrast. After my IV site bleed out all over my sleeve when they removed the IV. I never had that happen before. I am grateful I was wearing a dark grey sweatshirt and not a white sweater. Anyway I still am feeling tired and depressed and have that constant ache that turns into pain the first thing in the morning. I also just feel week all the time. I am wrapping myself in a prayer shall to get better. I do feel better in it.
Lara is just going down hill by the minute. We are going to start her on drugs which I did not want to do but she is definitely showing not only ADD symptoms but Autism as well. She has repetitive speech and inappropriate facial gestures. She is also doing this clapping thing that I have only seen with the autistics client of the Developmentally Disabled adult organization that I used to work with. She also is doing a repetitive speech patter i.e.: “Mommy, Daddy” again something I have only seen with autistic cliental. So I am positive she is on the spectrum. I just don’t know her exact position and from what the neurologist said we may never know as she thinks she is on the high end so to determine Asperger’s or OCD is a tough call although she did not see the clapping or repetitive speech while we were there and I forgot to mention it. We have a follow up in two weeks and I will tell her then.
Anthony is now imitating Lara, as he wants the attention. He is also saying he does not want to go to school next year and wants to stay home with me. I hope he is better with school than Lara. I just don’t know if I can handle two dramatic separation scenes every day Monday-Friday. So I am dreading school as well. It is also very expensive as it is 3,000 a year for half days. So it is ten months of $300. I just do not know where we are going to get the money. The only way I can think of is for me to get a job at night when Greg is home. I just don’t know where to start looking.
Greg is his usual self and getting on my nerves. Yesterday he worked at home so limited computer for me as he thinks my keyboard is too loud. He uses a lap top for his work and works in the same room as my computer as his phone is there and he needs it to work. Later on he took over my computer to buy my Valentine’s Day gift. I am 99.9% sure it is lingerie from Victoria’s Secret. Not looking forward to getting that as I hate lingerie and I hate Victoria’s Secret. I think they set up there mannequins like sluts around here. I mean one was bent over in such a way it was verging on porn with another standing right behind her! Anyway needless to say I hate that company so I am going to have to really use my acting skills on Saturday! Right now I am also thinking that giving me lingerie is like giving skiing equipment to a nomad in the Sahara!
Still not comfortable with no more babies. I get sad when I think about it.
Lara is just going down hill by the minute. We are going to start her on drugs which I did not want to do but she is definitely showing not only ADD symptoms but Autism as well. She has repetitive speech and inappropriate facial gestures. She is also doing this clapping thing that I have only seen with the autistics client of the Developmentally Disabled adult organization that I used to work with. She also is doing a repetitive speech patter i.e.: “Mommy, Daddy” again something I have only seen with autistic cliental. So I am positive she is on the spectrum. I just don’t know her exact position and from what the neurologist said we may never know as she thinks she is on the high end so to determine Asperger’s or OCD is a tough call although she did not see the clapping or repetitive speech while we were there and I forgot to mention it. We have a follow up in two weeks and I will tell her then.
Anthony is now imitating Lara, as he wants the attention. He is also saying he does not want to go to school next year and wants to stay home with me. I hope he is better with school than Lara. I just don’t know if I can handle two dramatic separation scenes every day Monday-Friday. So I am dreading school as well. It is also very expensive as it is 3,000 a year for half days. So it is ten months of $300. I just do not know where we are going to get the money. The only way I can think of is for me to get a job at night when Greg is home. I just don’t know where to start looking.
Greg is his usual self and getting on my nerves. Yesterday he worked at home so limited computer for me as he thinks my keyboard is too loud. He uses a lap top for his work and works in the same room as my computer as his phone is there and he needs it to work. Later on he took over my computer to buy my Valentine’s Day gift. I am 99.9% sure it is lingerie from Victoria’s Secret. Not looking forward to getting that as I hate lingerie and I hate Victoria’s Secret. I think they set up there mannequins like sluts around here. I mean one was bent over in such a way it was verging on porn with another standing right behind her! Anyway needless to say I hate that company so I am going to have to really use my acting skills on Saturday! Right now I am also thinking that giving me lingerie is like giving skiing equipment to a nomad in the Sahara!
Still not comfortable with no more babies. I get sad when I think about it.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Taking a number...
I was supposed to get two MRIs yesterday. We left Anthony with his Poppy and took Lara with us. I had scheduled one at 5:45 and one at 6:15. We got there at 5:30. Well we waited and waited. By 6:25 I was getting a bit miffed so I asked how much longer it was going to be. They told me “a short time they are a little behind”. When I asked what exactly a “little time” was they called the techs. Turns out they had an estimated hour and a half more for me to wait as they had someone in there and there was another person from the ER that had priority over me. So I told them I would reschedule as I just was not going to wait that long. After all my 6 year old daughter was with us and had not had diner yet. We brought crackers but I didn’t want her to wait until I was done. I would not get in until minimum 8 PM. Then I had a good hour or so of imaging to do so the earliest we would leave would be 9 PM. They should have told me when I checked in that it was so far behind. I just know if I had waited it would have ended up being longer than an hour and a half. Usually around here you can safely double that. I just don’t think the medical world gives a hoot about us sometimes. I feel like we should just take a number, step aside, and die in silence. KWIM?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Not so good...
Things have been negative and so I really don’t like to post about it much. My Pulmonologist eventually called back to just repeat that my lymph nodes were OK. I doubt anyone looked at my lungs. He probably just read the report from the hospital and the hospital probably only looked at my lymph nodes, as that was the problem back in June when I had my first CT scan there. I am in pain pretty much all the time now. A constant dull ache that is sharper in the morning or when it is snowing out. I love the snow because it is so pretty but the pain is not good. I have a couple of MRI’s tonight to look at my optic nerve and the growth to make sure it is gone. Unlike the Pulmonologist the Ophthalmologist wants the actual films so he can see what is wrong. He does not trust the hospital readings as the other one does for a good reason they got it wrong the last time.
We have been going to an adult CCD class a couple of nights a week to try to get closer to God and help our relationship. Greg goes but I am not sure if he is getting anything out of it. They give babysitting while there and the children love playing there so they are having a great time. I just hope it can save the marriage as we are just not doing well and my illness is not helping at all.
Lara continues to have accidents at school. Last Friday she must have changed her pants and not her underwear. She came home with different pants on but the same underwear. Also the pants we sent her in were gone as well as the change of underwear. She told us she couldn’t remember of she changed her pants that day. Now no one can find her clothes anywhere so we are getting a bit miffed at the school for giving us no help.
Anthony is signed up for school next year and I pray we find a way to pay for it. He will be is transitional pre school. This is a set up for children that will be five before December 31, 2009. Kindergarten has a cut off of October 1, 2009 so he misses that by nine days. So for this class he will be one of the older children but not as severe as say pre k 4 that has children turning 4 by October 1, 2009. He will be in school M-F 12:30- 2:45 so if I get a job it can not be while he is in school. It will have to be at night when Greg is at home.
I think My TTC journey is over sad to say. I am not at peace with that but have to face it. Last cycle I had a 22 day cycle! The one before that was 41 days! And the one before that was 23 days! So this cycle will probably be a super long one if I stay on pattern! I am also just cranky all the time as well as tired. Getting out of bed is a challenge that I do not always make. I just can’t deal anymore and have had a couple of drinks which makes Greg mad at me. Also I am having problems with FF and my role here. I feel I do a lot and all I am asking in return is membership. That amounts to anywhere between 10-45 US dollars a year. Apparently this is something they feel my work is not worth. I really feel like I am not asking a lot as it comes to pennies a day for hours of work I do. So I am a bit depressed. With all this snow we have been having Greg has been working at home. With him at home it is hard to go on line ass he nags me that my keyboard is too loud for him. He also wants me to spend more time with Anthony.
We have been going to an adult CCD class a couple of nights a week to try to get closer to God and help our relationship. Greg goes but I am not sure if he is getting anything out of it. They give babysitting while there and the children love playing there so they are having a great time. I just hope it can save the marriage as we are just not doing well and my illness is not helping at all.
Lara continues to have accidents at school. Last Friday she must have changed her pants and not her underwear. She came home with different pants on but the same underwear. Also the pants we sent her in were gone as well as the change of underwear. She told us she couldn’t remember of she changed her pants that day. Now no one can find her clothes anywhere so we are getting a bit miffed at the school for giving us no help.
Anthony is signed up for school next year and I pray we find a way to pay for it. He will be is transitional pre school. This is a set up for children that will be five before December 31, 2009. Kindergarten has a cut off of October 1, 2009 so he misses that by nine days. So for this class he will be one of the older children but not as severe as say pre k 4 that has children turning 4 by October 1, 2009. He will be in school M-F 12:30- 2:45 so if I get a job it can not be while he is in school. It will have to be at night when Greg is at home.
I think My TTC journey is over sad to say. I am not at peace with that but have to face it. Last cycle I had a 22 day cycle! The one before that was 41 days! And the one before that was 23 days! So this cycle will probably be a super long one if I stay on pattern! I am also just cranky all the time as well as tired. Getting out of bed is a challenge that I do not always make. I just can’t deal anymore and have had a couple of drinks which makes Greg mad at me. Also I am having problems with FF and my role here. I feel I do a lot and all I am asking in return is membership. That amounts to anywhere between 10-45 US dollars a year. Apparently this is something they feel my work is not worth. I really feel like I am not asking a lot as it comes to pennies a day for hours of work I do. So I am a bit depressed. With all this snow we have been having Greg has been working at home. With him at home it is hard to go on line ass he nags me that my keyboard is too loud for him. He also wants me to spend more time with Anthony.
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