It is just a really bad chapter of my life being relived. He was so abusive to me. When I was away at school he came to visit me one weekend that my roommate was gone. Someone said they hoped I wouldn’t get my period and it was at that time I looked at my supplies and realized I had never had one since arriving at school. Sounds stupid I know but the work was so hard I just didn’t think of it. I was getting sick at 5 PM every night. At that point I realized I was pregnant. I was just shy of three months.
When he arrived I told him in the student union thinking it would be OK. That he wouldn’t hit me there, but he did. So I tried to get out and he was following me, yelling and he hit me again. Only this time it was in front of two boys that went to school. I didn’t know them but they did not stand for a boy hitting a girl so they beat Chris up. I managed to break it up but when we got back to my room he accused me of sleeping with the two boys. He just didn’t get small town rules of getting involved when you see a wrong. Anyway he beat me up badly then and there. Most of the hall was away that weekend. The next night I had cramps and went to the bathroom. My beautiful baby came out and I held him/her in my hands. Then (God help me) I flushed my beautiful baby. I was in shock. I should have buried him/her. I hate myself for that and always will. When I told him what happened he said it was for the best and went to sleep. I preyed a bit of placenta stayed so I could bleed out but it just didn’t happen.
I tried drugs and alcohol but that didn’t work. The Wicca community of Lilly dale helped me come to understanding with the soul of my baby. They helped a lot, but I lost a belief in God. It wasn’t until ten years later that I was able to trust a man again, Gregory. Six years we married and I stated my quest to find God. I have found him somewhat but still struggle with this belief daily.
So you see this guy has been gone for twenty six years and I pray he stays gone. I just do not need him in my life. Last I heard he had married my then best friend as they were sleeping together when I was away at school even though we were engaged to be married. He also had a child with her and a girl friend with a child living in the same house. I was told that the girlfriend was posing as a live in nanny, but her child was his as well. This is just like TV drama I know but all true.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
What is going on now...
Anthony is starting school today. Fort the first time ever my baby is going to school! It is a half day “Transitional Kindergarten” class. This is more advanced than Pre School but not quite kindergarten. It is for children that miss the cut off date of October 1st. It is for the children that turn five between October 1st and December 31st. I think he will do well as he can write a little and read a bit. He is more advanced than Lara was going to PreK-4. He is all excited about going and keeps on asking when he will go. He also made me buy a beautiful red apple so he can give it to his teacher today. That’s my boy! Now I know the hardest part will be letting him go. This will be hard for me to do and I hope I do not cry.
Lara is OK. She is doing better this year thanks to her one on one aide. It is hard to get used to the notion that there is a person whose entire job is taking care of my daughter and it is not me. KWIM? I am grateful though as now she can keep up with the class and do her work. With her one on one it is harder for her to drift away into Laraland. Her behavior at home is not any better though and she continues to pee and poop in her pants when she is at home. Some days I just feel all I am doing is cleaning pee and poop! I told them that there will be no pets until they stop having accidents and when I say that it seems to have an impact. Then later on I am cleaning up yet again another accident.
Greg is the same. He never changes, ever! I stayed on the couch last night. I feel asleep watching “Floristic Files”. I like to watch all those crime shows on Tru TV. I also like House, Bones, Monk and Psych. Hmmmm is there a pattern? Anyway I do not want a roommate I want a husband. Until he is a husband I stay away.
I have not been feeling well. I had some really bad chest pains. It felt like I was being punched in the chest. I finally went to see the doctor. He gave me an EEG that came back as normal. I then had a CT scan of my chest that showed the lymph nodes were swollen but not too badly according to my doctor. The pain has gone away some so maybe they were more flared up when it was the peek of the pain? At any rate they seemed to have gone down on their own so that is a good thing. I have to take every positive thing I can KWIM? When my chest hurt it took away the mid drift pain. Today when I woke up I had no pain, but then again it was 7:40 and I was too panicked stricken to feel anything. Greg yet again turned off his alarm and went back to sleep! Way to go Hun! I hopped into the shower first as FIL was coming over in twenty minutes and he can see his son in a towel. KWIM?
I know I should be grateful that FIL comes over, but I am not. He played with the children while I was trying to get Lara to eat. I was in the kitchen saying eat Lara, but instead she played with her Poppy. I mean why didn’t he say for her to eat? She had a half a Toaster Struddle! That is the only thing she will eat until dinner time. She does not eat lunch or snack at school. I sometimes thing it would be wiser to send plastic prop foods. That way we don’t have to toss it away when it gets warm. Anyway he also says “oh Geese” over and over again as I try to get her to eat or do anything else in the five nano seconds Greg has left me with. The stress is really just too much. One of us has to go. At this point I really do not know which one Greg will want to go.
I have been spending way too much of my time at Facebook. I have some eleven farms, a YoVille and a Mafia character that I go to everyday! Why am I so addicted to these things! My computer keeps knocking me off the web and these games have so many bugs it is pathetic. They are all beta versions so that in itself should tell a computer person that they are filled with problems, but do I go with logic? No I go and play them and go nuts when they enviably mess up on me. Ugh I should have stayed with my blinkies. They are less stressful and more predictable.
Lara is OK. She is doing better this year thanks to her one on one aide. It is hard to get used to the notion that there is a person whose entire job is taking care of my daughter and it is not me. KWIM? I am grateful though as now she can keep up with the class and do her work. With her one on one it is harder for her to drift away into Laraland. Her behavior at home is not any better though and she continues to pee and poop in her pants when she is at home. Some days I just feel all I am doing is cleaning pee and poop! I told them that there will be no pets until they stop having accidents and when I say that it seems to have an impact. Then later on I am cleaning up yet again another accident.
Greg is the same. He never changes, ever! I stayed on the couch last night. I feel asleep watching “Floristic Files”. I like to watch all those crime shows on Tru TV. I also like House, Bones, Monk and Psych. Hmmmm is there a pattern? Anyway I do not want a roommate I want a husband. Until he is a husband I stay away.
I have not been feeling well. I had some really bad chest pains. It felt like I was being punched in the chest. I finally went to see the doctor. He gave me an EEG that came back as normal. I then had a CT scan of my chest that showed the lymph nodes were swollen but not too badly according to my doctor. The pain has gone away some so maybe they were more flared up when it was the peek of the pain? At any rate they seemed to have gone down on their own so that is a good thing. I have to take every positive thing I can KWIM? When my chest hurt it took away the mid drift pain. Today when I woke up I had no pain, but then again it was 7:40 and I was too panicked stricken to feel anything. Greg yet again turned off his alarm and went back to sleep! Way to go Hun! I hopped into the shower first as FIL was coming over in twenty minutes and he can see his son in a towel. KWIM?
I know I should be grateful that FIL comes over, but I am not. He played with the children while I was trying to get Lara to eat. I was in the kitchen saying eat Lara, but instead she played with her Poppy. I mean why didn’t he say for her to eat? She had a half a Toaster Struddle! That is the only thing she will eat until dinner time. She does not eat lunch or snack at school. I sometimes thing it would be wiser to send plastic prop foods. That way we don’t have to toss it away when it gets warm. Anyway he also says “oh Geese” over and over again as I try to get her to eat or do anything else in the five nano seconds Greg has left me with. The stress is really just too much. One of us has to go. At this point I really do not know which one Greg will want to go.
I have been spending way too much of my time at Facebook. I have some eleven farms, a YoVille and a Mafia character that I go to everyday! Why am I so addicted to these things! My computer keeps knocking me off the web and these games have so many bugs it is pathetic. They are all beta versions so that in itself should tell a computer person that they are filled with problems, but do I go with logic? No I go and play them and go nuts when they enviably mess up on me. Ugh I should have stayed with my blinkies. They are less stressful and more predictable.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
OMG!!!
OMG!!! I went to the outside room to get the recycle can as I had left it out there from when I was trying to catch Houdini. I had left a trap set up just in case she had a friend. Anyway, she had a friend and he is now caught in the garbage can! I think I checked on it last night when I threw bread out in the back yard and the tube was set. So now I guess this is Bess or Harry Houdini? I am fairly certain it is a boy so I guess it is Harry. I am hoping it will not be rainy tonight so we can let him go near where we let Bess go a few days ago. So how many mice can live together?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
I am still not feeling well. I tried to eat French fries last night at a local mall and aid for it later on. I have only a few more day s until the quack is back from his vacation so I should be OK.
Lara starts school next week, Anthony the week after that. Gregory had scheduled their doctor appointments for the first day of school thinking she was starting the next week. Ugh he didn’t look at the school calendar first? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! I am just happy we caught it in time for him to reschedule.
I am so mad at Greg right now it is pathetic! He just tossed away two huge jars of vitamins! Hardly any were taken if any! He was supposed to have taken them and swore to me he was. So he lied the whole time we were TTCing! He did absolutely nothing to try to get a baby except fill those stupid cups and even that took three hours a pop. No wonder it took him so long! The whole time I was taking vitamins and several herbs, getting examinations up my hoo hoo, ultrasounds again up my hoo hoo and for what? He could not even bother to take one stupid pill! Right now I just want him gone! His DH is not “dear husband”
On top of all this I miss Houdini; she was so cute and demanded nothing from me. She didn’t yell at me once. I want more like that here.
Off to Mafia Wars to get snuffed yet again!
Lara starts school next week, Anthony the week after that. Gregory had scheduled their doctor appointments for the first day of school thinking she was starting the next week. Ugh he didn’t look at the school calendar first? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! I am just happy we caught it in time for him to reschedule.
I am so mad at Greg right now it is pathetic! He just tossed away two huge jars of vitamins! Hardly any were taken if any! He was supposed to have taken them and swore to me he was. So he lied the whole time we were TTCing! He did absolutely nothing to try to get a baby except fill those stupid cups and even that took three hours a pop. No wonder it took him so long! The whole time I was taking vitamins and several herbs, getting examinations up my hoo hoo, ultrasounds again up my hoo hoo and for what? He could not even bother to take one stupid pill! Right now I just want him gone! His DH is not “dear husband”
On top of all this I miss Houdini; she was so cute and demanded nothing from me. She didn’t yell at me once. I want more like that here.
Off to Mafia Wars to get snuffed yet again!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
Lara is driving me crazy!!!! I know that is bad to say but it is true! She is constantly whining about her brother or if it is not Anthony than it is something else. She whines when she sees a TV ad she doesn’t like and screams for me to change the channel. So she has zero tolerance of anything!
Anthony ties not to bother her at first but then gets fed up with it and so just pushes her buttons. I guess he figures she will yell at him anyway so he might as well try to be in charge of the situation!
I am not doing well at all. I have had increased pain in my chest and behind my eye so I think the Sarcoidosis is spreading and growing again. Of coarse my primary doctor is on vacation so I have to ride it out until he gets back next Monday. I just can not see a new doctor and try to update them with eighteen months of background with every “ologist” in NJ. It would take all day long to do! This new pain makes my old pain less, so that is something good.
We had a mouse in our back room that eluded me for days. I had a trap set up with a bathroom tissue roll and a garbage can baited with peanut butter. The mouse ate the peanut butter but didn’t fall in the garbage can so I made the tube a half of a paper towel roll. Again the mouse took the bait but nothing else. So I tried a full paper towel roll. Again no mouse, bait gone. So I counterweighted the end with nickels to make it stick out more off the shelf and it fell in the garbage but it climbed out. A bigger garbage can produced the same result. So I got a huge outside can that is 30 gallons. The mouse was finally caught in that. She was a fairly big brown mouse that was very scared. We kept her until night feeding her crackers and peanut butter and a dish of water but I do not think she ate or drank, as she was so scared. We let her go in a nearby park far from any house. I left her with the paper towel roll. Some straw we had given her for bedding in the can once we nabbed her, and a dab of peanut butter for strength. I said a prayer to Saint Francis that she will be OK. I wish I could have kept her but Greg said that she has too many diseases and fleas to keep as a pet. He mentioned the bubonic plague but I doubt a mouse in New Jersey carries the plague virus. I mean is there an outbreak of the bubonic plague in NJ that I am unaware of?
Anthony ties not to bother her at first but then gets fed up with it and so just pushes her buttons. I guess he figures she will yell at him anyway so he might as well try to be in charge of the situation!
I am not doing well at all. I have had increased pain in my chest and behind my eye so I think the Sarcoidosis is spreading and growing again. Of coarse my primary doctor is on vacation so I have to ride it out until he gets back next Monday. I just can not see a new doctor and try to update them with eighteen months of background with every “ologist” in NJ. It would take all day long to do! This new pain makes my old pain less, so that is something good.
We had a mouse in our back room that eluded me for days. I had a trap set up with a bathroom tissue roll and a garbage can baited with peanut butter. The mouse ate the peanut butter but didn’t fall in the garbage can so I made the tube a half of a paper towel roll. Again the mouse took the bait but nothing else. So I tried a full paper towel roll. Again no mouse, bait gone. So I counterweighted the end with nickels to make it stick out more off the shelf and it fell in the garbage but it climbed out. A bigger garbage can produced the same result. So I got a huge outside can that is 30 gallons. The mouse was finally caught in that. She was a fairly big brown mouse that was very scared. We kept her until night feeding her crackers and peanut butter and a dish of water but I do not think she ate or drank, as she was so scared. We let her go in a nearby park far from any house. I left her with the paper towel roll. Some straw we had given her for bedding in the can once we nabbed her, and a dab of peanut butter for strength. I said a prayer to Saint Francis that she will be OK. I wish I could have kept her but Greg said that she has too many diseases and fleas to keep as a pet. He mentioned the bubonic plague but I doubt a mouse in New Jersey carries the plague virus. I mean is there an outbreak of the bubonic plague in NJ that I am unaware of?
Yo Gabba Gabba
Last Saturday we went to Rockaway NJ to meet up with Plex from Yo Gabba Gabba. We were first on line as we got up at 7 AM, and were out of the house at 8:30 AM. We got there at 9:30 and registered at 10 AM. Then at 11:30 we started the line and at 1 PM we finally saw Plex. Anthony was in awe and so it was all worth it in the end. Lara wanted nothing to do with it and so visited with her Poppy and Aunt Debbie. We discovered a Gertrude and Hawk chocolate store there and bought a lot of stuff, as we haven’t seen one of those in years around us. I think I have discovered a new mall to go to! Look out thighs here I come!!!!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Update
Vacation was beat. We really did not do much of anything. We went to an open house that I dreaded but turned out OK. Greg’s cousin that attacked me that one Christmas was there but I avoided her and she avoided me, so no conflict. She just gave me dirty looks which I ignored.
Lara has been bad as of late. She has accidents all the time with pee and poop. I am dreading her going to school and how much I will be called to clean her up. It is not that I mind I just dread the other children teasing her over it.
Anthony is regressing with the potty as well so I will be showing up at his school as well. They both want a pet but I told them not until they are not peeing and pooping in their pants. They agree but then they forget.
Greg has been his usual self. We actually were close one day for a bit of time but not sure how that was. I marked that lone day on my chart. I just feel so lonely and he doesn’t get it. He actually tied to compare work with me on Sunday. I complained because he went and watered the lawn for an hour in the morning when he should have gotten ready for church. As a result we were late. He complained that he couldn’t have an hour a week to do what he wanted that he has to give up everything! Ugh hello? And who gave up their job for the family and lives a life of seclusion? I told him all that and he said he got it, but I know he didn’t.
I managed to drive to NYC on my own. I haven’t driven there in a long time. I had to drive by ground zero and that was hard to do. I had car trouble on the way as the plastic thing under the front end fell down and was dragging. I was in God knows where NJ when that happened. I managed to find my way back home, and started out again an hour plus later. Greg fixed the car with duck tape, bolts and cable ties. This made me late so not much time in New York. I think about an hour. Everything else ran smoothly.
Today I am a wreck. I am having stomach issues that I do not want to get into detail with, but trust me it stinks big time. So I can not do much of anything today.
Lara has been bad as of late. She has accidents all the time with pee and poop. I am dreading her going to school and how much I will be called to clean her up. It is not that I mind I just dread the other children teasing her over it.
Anthony is regressing with the potty as well so I will be showing up at his school as well. They both want a pet but I told them not until they are not peeing and pooping in their pants. They agree but then they forget.
Greg has been his usual self. We actually were close one day for a bit of time but not sure how that was. I marked that lone day on my chart. I just feel so lonely and he doesn’t get it. He actually tied to compare work with me on Sunday. I complained because he went and watered the lawn for an hour in the morning when he should have gotten ready for church. As a result we were late. He complained that he couldn’t have an hour a week to do what he wanted that he has to give up everything! Ugh hello? And who gave up their job for the family and lives a life of seclusion? I told him all that and he said he got it, but I know he didn’t.
I managed to drive to NYC on my own. I haven’t driven there in a long time. I had to drive by ground zero and that was hard to do. I had car trouble on the way as the plastic thing under the front end fell down and was dragging. I was in God knows where NJ when that happened. I managed to find my way back home, and started out again an hour plus later. Greg fixed the car with duck tape, bolts and cable ties. This made me late so not much time in New York. I think about an hour. Everything else ran smoothly.
Today I am a wreck. I am having stomach issues that I do not want to get into detail with, but trust me it stinks big time. So I can not do much of anything today.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Busy....
Sorry for the low activity as of late. I have been spending a lot of time on face book. I have about six farms now (gained one this morning), a member of the mob, and a citizen of YoVille. Every morning I tend all of my crops and animals, Do a few “jobs” and some banking, and then I go to work at YoVille widget factory. Sad thing is I really do not know what I am doing so everything is dying in the farms, my mob character is in the hospital, and my YoVille apartment is rather sparse! Ugh you think with all the time I spend there I would be better at it!
I the real world:
Anthony is doing major back steps with the potty. He was totally off of diapers two weeks ago. We would give him a YoGabaGaba when he went a week with no accidents. Well as soon as he got the last one he stopped going on the pot. He pooped and peed in his pants all the time. So Greg and I decided to take the YoGabaGabas away in reverse order. Every time he pooped in his pants he lost the last one he was rewarded with. Well he was so upset when he pooped he wouldn’t tell us. I can not smell very well and so it sat there way too long. So now the poor boy has a really nasty rash on his but! I gave back his toys but he still won’t tell us when he has an accident because now it really hurts when I clean him up. Even with just plain water and a soft cloth. When I have to clean him it is just awful and he screams the whole time. I just cry with him, but I have to do it.
Lara had her last day of camp today so she is all mine for the rest of the summer. Now I have to come up with something to do with them, as they will drive me nuts at home all day. She is having accidents a lot in her pants and so between the two I am always cleaning someone up. With her I also have to clean up the floor! Ugh! She is easily annoyed by Anthony and whines at him all the time. Anthony just say something like “this is problematic”. I think he is going to be a psychiatrist or psychologist someday. Lara had a great birthday and is now seven years old!
Greg is pretty much the same. He wakes up late all the time, but does not watch old shows on his lap top anymore. So that is something. He is off next week and we are staying home. He likes being at home all day for a change. I do not. I want to run away for the week and leave him to tend the children 24/7. You know “for a change”. He was good for my birthday but forgot he was in charge of organizing it. So no balloons, flowers, or birthday plates and napkins. He forgot it all. Strange thing is he wrote a list of things to do and all of that was on the list! I guess he was too busy writing the list to actually do it. That’s my man!
I really wasn’t in the mood to celebrate that day anyway. Little Dylan was put to rest the day before and that just loomed over me. Everything with Dylan brought back the past for me and I just had a hard time dealing with it. Today is raining and so my Sarcoidosis is bothering me something awful. I didn’t want to get up and Greg just doesn’t get it at all. He thinks I am lazy.
I the real world:
Anthony is doing major back steps with the potty. He was totally off of diapers two weeks ago. We would give him a YoGabaGaba when he went a week with no accidents. Well as soon as he got the last one he stopped going on the pot. He pooped and peed in his pants all the time. So Greg and I decided to take the YoGabaGabas away in reverse order. Every time he pooped in his pants he lost the last one he was rewarded with. Well he was so upset when he pooped he wouldn’t tell us. I can not smell very well and so it sat there way too long. So now the poor boy has a really nasty rash on his but! I gave back his toys but he still won’t tell us when he has an accident because now it really hurts when I clean him up. Even with just plain water and a soft cloth. When I have to clean him it is just awful and he screams the whole time. I just cry with him, but I have to do it.
Lara had her last day of camp today so she is all mine for the rest of the summer. Now I have to come up with something to do with them, as they will drive me nuts at home all day. She is having accidents a lot in her pants and so between the two I am always cleaning someone up. With her I also have to clean up the floor! Ugh! She is easily annoyed by Anthony and whines at him all the time. Anthony just say something like “this is problematic”. I think he is going to be a psychiatrist or psychologist someday. Lara had a great birthday and is now seven years old!
Greg is pretty much the same. He wakes up late all the time, but does not watch old shows on his lap top anymore. So that is something. He is off next week and we are staying home. He likes being at home all day for a change. I do not. I want to run away for the week and leave him to tend the children 24/7. You know “for a change”. He was good for my birthday but forgot he was in charge of organizing it. So no balloons, flowers, or birthday plates and napkins. He forgot it all. Strange thing is he wrote a list of things to do and all of that was on the list! I guess he was too busy writing the list to actually do it. That’s my man!
I really wasn’t in the mood to celebrate that day anyway. Little Dylan was put to rest the day before and that just loomed over me. Everything with Dylan brought back the past for me and I just had a hard time dealing with it. Today is raining and so my Sarcoidosis is bothering me something awful. I didn’t want to get up and Greg just doesn’t get it at all. He thinks I am lazy.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Yesterday was a sad day…
Things were just awful as I woke up not feeling well at all. Greg was on call at home and so being a very self centered pain. Any time I could use help he was working, but he managed to look around on juke box for songs, etc he just didn’t have time to do anything with the children. When I woke up I was nauseous and in pain. It is getting worse.
Later on we went to dinner at Friendlies and that was good. The children behaved there so we let them play with the crane machine. They both won the toy they wanted. Last time after two hours of trying we got one that Lara hated. Anyway things were good then.
When I got home though I found out that a little boy that had been fighting the injuries from abuse succumb to his injuries. He passed away at two thirty that day. I am very saddened by this. He was doing so well at his birthday a little over a month ago. I had been praying for him since last August. I know what it is like to loose a child to domestic violence and so feel so bad for his dad. He was the one that was taking care of him, as his mom was one of the abusers. One of I think seven people. He was only two when they called 911, as he was not breathing. He had so many injuries from trauma, burns, and bites. I am so sick from this I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I have been thinking of my baby that I lost so long ago, and what s/he would have been like had they made it to birth. At twelve weeks all I could tell was that it was a baby. Today that baby would be 25. I just hate people sometimes.
I was in such pain this morning as I finally fell asleep at six AM! Lara had a bad dream last night. I had gone to the living room to watch TV and try to sleep. I made sure Greg was all comfy and did not want to keep him awake. Anyway just as I was about to finally drift asleep Lara woke up screaming. She stayed awake the rest of the night as well. It was about two AM then. Every time she would seem to go to sleep something would wake her. At six Anthony came in screaming as I had left him in my bad and Greg couldn’t handle him. No surprise there. Anyway at that time Greg stayed with Lara and I went to be with Anthony. The four of us just can’t fit into a full bed anymore. So I got an hour sleep before Greg woke up late, as he didn’t set an alarm clock. He was screaming for me and Lara to get up. I was in such pain and just wanted to throw up and die. Greg was being his sunshiny self yelling that I was an awful mother for not getting up! As if I was up all night so how bad of a mother can I be? Also Lara did not want to go to rec. today as she was tired. Greg was just being so mean today. I just wish sometimes I had never married him. I had stayed away from men after my first fiancé was so abusive to me so much. I thought Greg was good, but I am not so sure. He does not abuse us and does care about the children. It is just with me that he says mean things and thinks he can order me around like a stupid servant.
Later on we went to dinner at Friendlies and that was good. The children behaved there so we let them play with the crane machine. They both won the toy they wanted. Last time after two hours of trying we got one that Lara hated. Anyway things were good then.
When I got home though I found out that a little boy that had been fighting the injuries from abuse succumb to his injuries. He passed away at two thirty that day. I am very saddened by this. He was doing so well at his birthday a little over a month ago. I had been praying for him since last August. I know what it is like to loose a child to domestic violence and so feel so bad for his dad. He was the one that was taking care of him, as his mom was one of the abusers. One of I think seven people. He was only two when they called 911, as he was not breathing. He had so many injuries from trauma, burns, and bites. I am so sick from this I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I have been thinking of my baby that I lost so long ago, and what s/he would have been like had they made it to birth. At twelve weeks all I could tell was that it was a baby. Today that baby would be 25. I just hate people sometimes.
I was in such pain this morning as I finally fell asleep at six AM! Lara had a bad dream last night. I had gone to the living room to watch TV and try to sleep. I made sure Greg was all comfy and did not want to keep him awake. Anyway just as I was about to finally drift asleep Lara woke up screaming. She stayed awake the rest of the night as well. It was about two AM then. Every time she would seem to go to sleep something would wake her. At six Anthony came in screaming as I had left him in my bad and Greg couldn’t handle him. No surprise there. Anyway at that time Greg stayed with Lara and I went to be with Anthony. The four of us just can’t fit into a full bed anymore. So I got an hour sleep before Greg woke up late, as he didn’t set an alarm clock. He was screaming for me and Lara to get up. I was in such pain and just wanted to throw up and die. Greg was being his sunshiny self yelling that I was an awful mother for not getting up! As if I was up all night so how bad of a mother can I be? Also Lara did not want to go to rec. today as she was tired. Greg was just being so mean today. I just wish sometimes I had never married him. I had stayed away from men after my first fiancé was so abusive to me so much. I thought Greg was good, but I am not so sure. He does not abuse us and does care about the children. It is just with me that he says mean things and thinks he can order me around like a stupid servant.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Bummer Summer...
Nothing new. I was up nauseous and in pain. I know I am not pregnant because it is 2009 and my name isn't Mary if you know what I mean. Lara has been a horror lately. She screams a lot, refuses to eat and fights with her brother. Anthony has hit back a few times and is getting a bit lippy with me. Greg is just a cold ice burg. The most I ever get from him is a simple peck goodbye in the morning. He does his share with the children and showers them with affection, but with me there is nothing. I just started to take Relacore PM to get rid of my pot belly I got from the Prednisone. Maybe that will make me more attractive?
I just wish could run away sometimes and be by myself. To just relax and not have to do anything. :oops: My dream is to go to Lisbon Falls Maine
I just wish could run away sometimes and be by myself. To just relax and not have to do anything. :oops: My dream is to go to Lisbon Falls Maine
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Sorry for the no posts...
I have not been feeling well at all. The pain is up and I am as nauseous as ever. To add to the pain Lara has been particularly bad. She screams all the time and is never happy. We tried to take a drive today and had to come back home in less than a half hour as she was constantly screaming at Anthony the whole time. I just couldn’t take it so we went home. Greg is more distant then ever and hates me going online. Anthony is my one saving grace, but he is getting to talk back a bit too much. The summer is a bummer.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Very down...
This has just been one hell of a week. Nothing is going well for me right now. My mid drift is hurting more and more each day, and my nausea in the morning just isn’t going away. I never felt sick when pregnant so why I am getting now I just don’t know. Also the tension has caused my right eye’s lower lid to twitch something awful. I am sure I look like a total psycho with that now. My face is not as bad as it was. At least now it is not bleeding anymore, but it is still red. My hair has gone grey, as we just don’t have the money to dye it. Greg set up an appointment for me on Sunday, but I am not sure how we will pay for it. Not sure if it would help me anyway as I am still so fat. My mood is probably low also due to the weather. It is cold and rainy here in “the Garden State” good for the vegetation but not for the people. I am also upset about some graphics that I recently did. I did a group project and it just turned so nasty I really do not think I am ever going to do another group project. I mean it is not like I am getting paid for doing it and they acted like I was a servant to them. I wouldn’t take that from a boss let alone a volunteer thing. KWIM? They accused me of all kinds of nasty things that is just not me. At any rate it has left me with a sour feeling and so I just wont do it anymore.
Lara has been awful this week. Screaming all the time at all of us. She hates what ever we do. If we stay at home she complains, if we try to go out she complains too. Last night Greg wanted to go shopping but Lara wanted to do an art project. Greg let her do the art first. Well we finally got out at 8 PM! We rushed to get what he needed and some food before the stores and food closed. Well then she screamed, as she didn’t get to see the puppies in the pet store! She screamed as we left something awful. I am surprised DYFuS wasn’t called. Eating is an issue and she is loosing weight again. She can fit into size three pants but has the inseam of size seven! She also does not eat at school at all. We send her with lunch and a snack and all of it comes home intact. Next year the school is going to have an aid to stay with her all day at school to help her. I am praying this will show some improvement with her. Otherwise I fear she will have to go to a school for “special children”. I went through that and so know how not so special, special can be.
Anthony continues to be my saving grace here. He is now off the diapers in the day and only wears pull ups at night. Most mornings he is dry so I am thinking of ditching the pull ups at night. Lara on the other hand has a full pull up every morning. He is also now looking forward to going to school. I am keeping things a bit dull now so he can see how school would be something he would get to do that is different. He is so smart and so I think he is going to do great in school.
Greg has been better as of late and not as demanding as he can be. He does revert sometimes but he is trying and that is all I can ask.
Nothing exciting planned this weekend. The church down the road is having a fair in their parking lot on Sunday so we might pop by there for a few minutes but that is all. I just wish the rain would stop.
Lara has been awful this week. Screaming all the time at all of us. She hates what ever we do. If we stay at home she complains, if we try to go out she complains too. Last night Greg wanted to go shopping but Lara wanted to do an art project. Greg let her do the art first. Well we finally got out at 8 PM! We rushed to get what he needed and some food before the stores and food closed. Well then she screamed, as she didn’t get to see the puppies in the pet store! She screamed as we left something awful. I am surprised DYFuS wasn’t called. Eating is an issue and she is loosing weight again. She can fit into size three pants but has the inseam of size seven! She also does not eat at school at all. We send her with lunch and a snack and all of it comes home intact. Next year the school is going to have an aid to stay with her all day at school to help her. I am praying this will show some improvement with her. Otherwise I fear she will have to go to a school for “special children”. I went through that and so know how not so special, special can be.
Anthony continues to be my saving grace here. He is now off the diapers in the day and only wears pull ups at night. Most mornings he is dry so I am thinking of ditching the pull ups at night. Lara on the other hand has a full pull up every morning. He is also now looking forward to going to school. I am keeping things a bit dull now so he can see how school would be something he would get to do that is different. He is so smart and so I think he is going to do great in school.
Greg has been better as of late and not as demanding as he can be. He does revert sometimes but he is trying and that is all I can ask.
Nothing exciting planned this weekend. The church down the road is having a fair in their parking lot on Sunday so we might pop by there for a few minutes but that is all. I just wish the rain would stop.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Not doing well...
We did have some fun at two Greek fairs. One last Saturday when Greg got off of work and one this post weekend. The one this past weekend had inflatable that the children loved. Anthony was a horror at church on Sunday. So he has no computer this week.
I am just not feeling well at all. I am not sure what is wrong with me. Whether it is the Sarcoidosis or something else. I wake up every morning now nauseous and in pain. I am tired all the time and even doing graphics is a struggle. I just finished a group blinkie that took a lot out of me. It had a lot of controversy to boot so it was in the end mostly bad. A few appreciate it and said so which was nice, but so many hate it because of the name, I am thinking of not doing another group blinkie as I probably would get this again. You just can’t get a group happy with one blinkie. There will always be a few that hate it and tell you so over and over again. I think one posts would have been plenty. KWIM?
Anyway my face is broken out something awful and money is tight so my hair is grey. My mother told me yesterday I need a makeover. I am also overweight so I need to get out and walk. I just can’t motivate myself to move at all. I am a mess.
I am just not feeling well at all. I am not sure what is wrong with me. Whether it is the Sarcoidosis or something else. I wake up every morning now nauseous and in pain. I am tired all the time and even doing graphics is a struggle. I just finished a group blinkie that took a lot out of me. It had a lot of controversy to boot so it was in the end mostly bad. A few appreciate it and said so which was nice, but so many hate it because of the name, I am thinking of not doing another group blinkie as I probably would get this again. You just can’t get a group happy with one blinkie. There will always be a few that hate it and tell you so over and over again. I think one posts would have been plenty. KWIM?
Anyway my face is broken out something awful and money is tight so my hair is grey. My mother told me yesterday I need a makeover. I am also overweight so I need to get out and walk. I just can’t motivate myself to move at all. I am a mess.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Ugh...
Lara is just not doing well at all. She has fits throughout the day and wets her pants a lot. This weekend she went through everything she has in long and short pants so today she wore Capri’s. Her solution is to buy more pants. She threw a fit today when she had to put on the Capri’s and would not go to her class room when we got to school. A teacher and the office manager had to help to get her to go in. All, of this because there is a bow at the top of the pants. You can’t even see it with her shirt on but she doesn’t care. She knows it is there. When she isn’t having a fit she goes into her own little world.
Anthony is still doing well but we had a scare with him this weekend. He didn’t get his way and threw a fit worthy of Lara. I fear that he is going to get to be like her. Lara was fairly OK until about four and a half. Then the bizarre habits and such started. Anthony is now that age and so I fear he is changing too. I just don’t know if I can handle two children having fits or staring off into space. I am horrible to write that but I just don’t know if I can manage that.
Greg was working this past weekend and so was a total pain to deal with he needs silence, as he has to talk on the phone with customers. The children just can’t do that so he is always bugging me to go out with them. Not that he would take the two alone, but I can. Double standards are just a b***h KWIM? We managed to go to a Greek festival after he got off work on Sunday. He took a long time to get ready though so we barely made it. By the time we were done eating everything was closing. The rides were running but they stopped selling tickets. Lara wanted to go on a swing ride that needed there tickets. I found two but no more. The operator refused to cut slack so she didn’t get to go on the swing. She left screaming and crying. Earlier someone gave Anthony a Spiderman inflatable so he was happy with that. We had told him that if we only found three tickets that Lara would go and he was OK with that.
I am just tired all the time. Lara’s behavior is unsettling and I just don’t know what to do fir her. I just don’t know how to help her. It gets to be too much sometimes and I feel I am loosing it so I take breaks. My health is not good so that certainly doesn’t help as I am in pain or nauseas or both. This cycle I spotted for a long time so I do not know what that is about. My face is also awful and I am very big. I just am not doing well at all. Heck even with my blinkies I am getting problems so I am wondering if I should continue or just drop that. I mean I get enough grief at home why sign on and get it in cyber world?
Anthony is still doing well but we had a scare with him this weekend. He didn’t get his way and threw a fit worthy of Lara. I fear that he is going to get to be like her. Lara was fairly OK until about four and a half. Then the bizarre habits and such started. Anthony is now that age and so I fear he is changing too. I just don’t know if I can handle two children having fits or staring off into space. I am horrible to write that but I just don’t know if I can manage that.
Greg was working this past weekend and so was a total pain to deal with he needs silence, as he has to talk on the phone with customers. The children just can’t do that so he is always bugging me to go out with them. Not that he would take the two alone, but I can. Double standards are just a b***h KWIM? We managed to go to a Greek festival after he got off work on Sunday. He took a long time to get ready though so we barely made it. By the time we were done eating everything was closing. The rides were running but they stopped selling tickets. Lara wanted to go on a swing ride that needed there tickets. I found two but no more. The operator refused to cut slack so she didn’t get to go on the swing. She left screaming and crying. Earlier someone gave Anthony a Spiderman inflatable so he was happy with that. We had told him that if we only found three tickets that Lara would go and he was OK with that.
I am just tired all the time. Lara’s behavior is unsettling and I just don’t know what to do fir her. I just don’t know how to help her. It gets to be too much sometimes and I feel I am loosing it so I take breaks. My health is not good so that certainly doesn’t help as I am in pain or nauseas or both. This cycle I spotted for a long time so I do not know what that is about. My face is also awful and I am very big. I just am not doing well at all. Heck even with my blinkies I am getting problems so I am wondering if I should continue or just drop that. I mean I get enough grief at home why sign on and get it in cyber world?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Update...
The weekend was not all that great. We really didn’t do anything that was fun. Except Monday when we saw the parade. I am not into parades so nothing there for me but Lara enjoyed it. Anthony was mad because he was looking forward to getting candy as they toss it out during parades here. This year though they didn’t throw it out on our side only the other side of the road and so Anthony was angry. I went to a nearby CVS after and bought him a bag of candy and so he felt slightly better.
Lara was in a funk the whole weekend and no matter what we did she hated it and screamed a lot. We missed church on Sunday, as it was just so tense that no one got ready in time for the noon service.
Greg was off Monday and took off Tuesday to do yard work, but it rained so he stayed in the house all day so no computer time for me.
Lara has been bad this week. Very disagreeable and screaming. Anthony is doing better with his potty and stays in underwear all day. He had a couple of accidents that were not his fault as he got diarrhea. Greg has been into his lawn care again and is all he thinks of night and day. As we drive he points out green lawns, lawns that are great, lawns that are bad and what they need to do, etc. I just don’t want to hear it anymore. I honestly think I should color myself green. Maybe then he would pay attention to me for a change.
This week has been cooler and damp. Today it is raining so I woke up in a lot of pain and nauseous. I hate waking up on days like this, as everything feels bad. It is so hard to get up and Greg just doesn’t understand at all. I can’t talk to him about it, as he doesn’t want to hear it anymore. Times like this I wish I could just walk away and never come back.
Lara was in a funk the whole weekend and no matter what we did she hated it and screamed a lot. We missed church on Sunday, as it was just so tense that no one got ready in time for the noon service.
Greg was off Monday and took off Tuesday to do yard work, but it rained so he stayed in the house all day so no computer time for me.
Lara has been bad this week. Very disagreeable and screaming. Anthony is doing better with his potty and stays in underwear all day. He had a couple of accidents that were not his fault as he got diarrhea. Greg has been into his lawn care again and is all he thinks of night and day. As we drive he points out green lawns, lawns that are great, lawns that are bad and what they need to do, etc. I just don’t want to hear it anymore. I honestly think I should color myself green. Maybe then he would pay attention to me for a change.
This week has been cooler and damp. Today it is raining so I woke up in a lot of pain and nauseous. I hate waking up on days like this, as everything feels bad. It is so hard to get up and Greg just doesn’t understand at all. I can’t talk to him about it, as he doesn’t want to hear it anymore. Times like this I wish I could just walk away and never come back.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tired with a cold...
I have a cold and am run down from it. I am just so tired. Lara is a bit better with her accidents. I haven’t been called to school for over a week to change her. I just hope I haven’t Jones myself by writing that and I get a call today. Anthony is doing better now with the pot. We resorted to bribery we said if he poops in the toilet he gets a sundae. Well he has earned two so far. When he is at home I keep him in underwear. Then when we go out I put a pull up over the underwear. That way if he does wet his pants he feels it, but doesn’t get his pants wet or his car seat. Greg and I are about the same.
Last night I got away fort awhile. They had a taping of the current show at our theater and I got to go solo. So I got some time away from the family. It was nice to do that. I have a cast party this Saturday that I could go to. I am just so fat and my face is broken out I don’t know if I should go. People dress up for these parties and I just feel so stupid even trying to do that. Kind of a silk purse from a sow’s ear kind of thing. Anyway I have to give that some thought. Greg would be home with the children so it would be time alone for me, but I will look so bad.
I have been doing blinkies over at the signature page. Mostly it is good, but some are a bit nervy. I think I am going to slow down a bit with them.
Last night I got away fort awhile. They had a taping of the current show at our theater and I got to go solo. So I got some time away from the family. It was nice to do that. I have a cast party this Saturday that I could go to. I am just so fat and my face is broken out I don’t know if I should go. People dress up for these parties and I just feel so stupid even trying to do that. Kind of a silk purse from a sow’s ear kind of thing. Anyway I have to give that some thought. Greg would be home with the children so it would be time alone for me, but I will look so bad.
I have been doing blinkies over at the signature page. Mostly it is good, but some are a bit nervy. I think I am going to slow down a bit with them.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Did I really HAVE to get married? Couldn't we have lived in sin?...
I am fuming at Gregory and have been since last night. OK so Thursday night I get to watch “Bones” and have a glass of wine. It is my “Mommy alone time”. That means I want to be alone. Is that too much to ask? I used to get to go to choir practice one a week from 7-10 PM. The practice was 40 minutes away and so took time to get there and back. Anyway now all I get is one lousy hour a week. One hour to pretend I actually matter. So last night Lara says only I can get her ready for bed as we both have “female parts” and that “daddy has boy parts”. OK fine, so she takes extra long to eat her dinner. Again fine with me. She finishes finally at 7:30. I was lying down during dinner and Greg was feeding them. Only he doesn’t help her so I have to get up to do that and finish at 7:30. So I give her dessert and she is done by 7:45. I then get her brushed and changed and am done at 7:55. I have five minutes to pour the wine (non-alcohol, as I am sick) and our some gold fish crackers and tune in channel five. Well Lara throws a fit and wants to be with me. I say after the show we can snuggle but I want an hour of “Mommy Time”. Greg picks her up and takes her out of the kitchen. I think to the living room. Well no he takes her to our bedroom to watch “Bones” with me. She will not leave and is screaming. So I let her stay. Then Greg wants to stay too. Mean while Anthony is all alone in the living room and usually if he stay like that eventually he screams he is all alone and then he ends up in the room as well. So then all four of us are in our tiny “Full size” bed (not Queen or King, but full!) to watch the show in what should be my alone time!
So I gave up and went into the living room. Lara screamed until Greg let her come in too. So Greg watched “Bones” all by himself in my “Mommy Time” and fell asleep. He actually doe not like the show as he thinks it is too graphic so why he wanted to watch it I just don’t know. I ended up watching the national geographic channel’s show on the planets. It was very good actually and today Lara was talking to her dada about the volcanoes on Oberon a moon of Uranus, and how it spews water that turns into ice and falls back to the surface. So Lara got a lot out of the show. When the children fell asleep I took them to their beds and slept on the couch. I didn’t feel like going anywhere near Greg at all. He is just so selfish! Why can’t I get mommy time? Heck I can’t even take a pee alone let alone have any time. I always have the children or him. I yelled at him I wanted to be alone and he argued that it was wrong for me to want that. That I have children and should be with them.
This is all from his mom. From the day she had children she did nothing for herself. It was always about the children and her husband. Anything she did for herself she gave up. She just spent her day cleaning, cooking and fussing over them. Never having any alone time. I just can’t do that. I need time to myself.
Later on Anthony had a bad dream and was crying for me and so I pout him in our bed and stayed the rest of the night there. I didn’t want to but the couch is too small for the two of us and I fear he could fall on the floor. It is hardwood over cement so it would hurt a lot to fall on it.
Sorry for the kvetch I just need to get it out. KWIM?
So I gave up and went into the living room. Lara screamed until Greg let her come in too. So Greg watched “Bones” all by himself in my “Mommy Time” and fell asleep. He actually doe not like the show as he thinks it is too graphic so why he wanted to watch it I just don’t know. I ended up watching the national geographic channel’s show on the planets. It was very good actually and today Lara was talking to her dada about the volcanoes on Oberon a moon of Uranus, and how it spews water that turns into ice and falls back to the surface. So Lara got a lot out of the show. When the children fell asleep I took them to their beds and slept on the couch. I didn’t feel like going anywhere near Greg at all. He is just so selfish! Why can’t I get mommy time? Heck I can’t even take a pee alone let alone have any time. I always have the children or him. I yelled at him I wanted to be alone and he argued that it was wrong for me to want that. That I have children and should be with them.
This is all from his mom. From the day she had children she did nothing for herself. It was always about the children and her husband. Anything she did for herself she gave up. She just spent her day cleaning, cooking and fussing over them. Never having any alone time. I just can’t do that. I need time to myself.
Later on Anthony had a bad dream and was crying for me and so I pout him in our bed and stayed the rest of the night there. I didn’t want to but the couch is too small for the two of us and I fear he could fall on the floor. It is hardwood over cement so it would hurt a lot to fall on it.
Sorry for the kvetch I just need to get it out. KWIM?
Thursday, May 14, 2009
That crazy little thing called "life"...
Things have been busy around here. Lara has been very moody and her behavior seems to be getting worse. She screams a lot and fights with her brother all the time. There just doesn’t seem to be peace when she is around. I am sad to type that but it is true. On Mother’s day she fought with her brother the whole day. Nothing was OK with her. Even with something as small as what is on TV if she doesn’t like the show she screams something awful. To listen to it you would think she was being tortured. She scream like that out in public and I am worried that someone will call DYFUS on us one day as she sounds like someone is beating her. Mean while all that is the problem is that we bought something she doesn’t like. It doesn’t even have to be something for her. If I buy something for myself and she doesn’t like it she screams. I just don’t understand this at all. We have never caved to her whims and so why does she think all should go her way?
Anthony is growing by the minute and is very big for his age group. More and more people ask if Lara and Anthony are twins. To look at them they really do look the same age. He is in fact heavier than she is now but a lot of weight. It is hard to pick him up now and no problem with her. He gets jealous when Greg puts her on his shoulders, but he is a bit heavy for that. We can now with some effort but not for long will that go on. He is not looking forward to going to school and says so when ever it is brought up. He can do some simple writing all in capitals. He can spell out three letter words. He also makes blue prints when he wants to build something. He made a rocket out of paper but first he drew all the parts on a sheet of paper and had arrows pointing to where everything was attached to the mail part. I thought that was great.
Greg is the same as always. He just can’t seem to do much with the work around here anymore. All he wants to do is take care of the lawn. He spent all of Saturday fussing with his lawn. It was his first day off in a while and it was a lovely day, but we did nothing as a family as he was fussing with the stupid lawn. Then he expects me to tell him what a wonderful job he did and how happy I am? I don’t think so! He also does not get up in the morning when the alarm goes off so everyone is late as he is the first up. He has to be the first up as he takes over and hour to get ready. I take fifteen minutes. So if I got up first I would have to get up at 5:45 so I am ready by 6 so he can take the hour plus to get ready? That would not make sense to me so he gets up first, only he slugs a bed. Also if I go to bed because I am ill he does too so no matter what I have to get the children ready for bed or it just doesn’t happen. He also stays away from going to bed with me. He is caught up with “Lost” now but still avoids me. I am so jealous of the women who post about how their husbands can’t keep their hands off of them, and how tired they are. I mean I get nothing. I have gotten nothing for years now. I do not have a husband I have a room mate that picks up the bills. It sucks.
I keep thinking about the first trial that was ever put on in the continental US. It was at Plymouth Rock. A married woman and a single man had been caught cheating. They were put on trial. At the end the single man was whipped for tempting the married woman. The married woman was whipped for cheating on her husband. The husband was whipped for performing his husbandly duty so badly that his wife had the desire to look for comfort in other men. So even the Puritans recognized sex as an important part of a marital relationship. So why cant my modern husband see it. Heck even Freud said the tree things we needed to survive is food, shelter and sex. In that order or we would die. So if Freud is right I am dead.
I am not feeling very well at all which is why this update is so late. It has been rainy off and on around here so my Sarcoidosis is acting up something awful. I am also depressed from al this weather. It is cold and rainy again today. I also have a cold so even on the sunny days I can not go out.
On Mother’s Day the day started off nicely. I had some nice gifts given such as “House” season’s 3 & 4, and a pair of silver earrings. Lara gave me a toy shovel set, a toy water can, some bath boats and a sprinkler to play in. Her heart was in the right place, as she loves all of them! Then we went to church where the children were awful. They went under the pews, laid on the pews and in general were very loud. Of coarse that day they were begging for donations to sponsor children in poor countries so the service was extra long. After we went to the florist to get flowers for Greg’s mom’s grave. Then we went up there to visit her. The children fought the entire trip there and back. We were going to go to a diner but the wait was long and we were rushing to my parents. A brother had called that week to say we were all meeting at 1 PM so we could have an early dinner. He wanted that as his family gets up so early on a weekday and they are an hour from my mom’s house. Anyway we didn’t eat out so we went home and bought some bagels. Again the children were fighting. It was so bad I just lost my appetite, so I didn’t eat. Lara screamed all the time at home. She didn’t like the bagel, the TV show, etc. By the time everything settled down and we got to my mom’s it was 3 PM. No one was there! I was two hours late and the first arrival. I called the brother who set it up and his wife told me that 1 PM was just too early and that they would come when they could make it! I mean what the heck! I rushed to make the time and they took their sweet time. Never again will I fall for that. Next time we will just do as we please and then let them wait.
This past Tuesday was Greg’s’ birthday. He worked from home, but spent most of the time in the backyard working on his lawn. He set up reservations for 5 PM and was barely done in time. I had to get the children ready. I gave him some DVD’s (Lost season 1 and an X Man one), some grapefruit candy, a CD of Diana Cral, and a hair dryer. After dinner we had a cake I made for him. His dad gave him a check and his sister gave him a DVD of “Pink”. He has to play that at work, as I can’t stand her. The whole “nah, nah, na nah nah” song makes me sick.
Now today it is rainy and cold and I feel awful. I just want to go to sleep but I have to take care of Anthony and then get Lara later on. Hopefully I can catch a nap today.
Anthony is growing by the minute and is very big for his age group. More and more people ask if Lara and Anthony are twins. To look at them they really do look the same age. He is in fact heavier than she is now but a lot of weight. It is hard to pick him up now and no problem with her. He gets jealous when Greg puts her on his shoulders, but he is a bit heavy for that. We can now with some effort but not for long will that go on. He is not looking forward to going to school and says so when ever it is brought up. He can do some simple writing all in capitals. He can spell out three letter words. He also makes blue prints when he wants to build something. He made a rocket out of paper but first he drew all the parts on a sheet of paper and had arrows pointing to where everything was attached to the mail part. I thought that was great.
Greg is the same as always. He just can’t seem to do much with the work around here anymore. All he wants to do is take care of the lawn. He spent all of Saturday fussing with his lawn. It was his first day off in a while and it was a lovely day, but we did nothing as a family as he was fussing with the stupid lawn. Then he expects me to tell him what a wonderful job he did and how happy I am? I don’t think so! He also does not get up in the morning when the alarm goes off so everyone is late as he is the first up. He has to be the first up as he takes over and hour to get ready. I take fifteen minutes. So if I got up first I would have to get up at 5:45 so I am ready by 6 so he can take the hour plus to get ready? That would not make sense to me so he gets up first, only he slugs a bed. Also if I go to bed because I am ill he does too so no matter what I have to get the children ready for bed or it just doesn’t happen. He also stays away from going to bed with me. He is caught up with “Lost” now but still avoids me. I am so jealous of the women who post about how their husbands can’t keep their hands off of them, and how tired they are. I mean I get nothing. I have gotten nothing for years now. I do not have a husband I have a room mate that picks up the bills. It sucks.
I keep thinking about the first trial that was ever put on in the continental US. It was at Plymouth Rock. A married woman and a single man had been caught cheating. They were put on trial. At the end the single man was whipped for tempting the married woman. The married woman was whipped for cheating on her husband. The husband was whipped for performing his husbandly duty so badly that his wife had the desire to look for comfort in other men. So even the Puritans recognized sex as an important part of a marital relationship. So why cant my modern husband see it. Heck even Freud said the tree things we needed to survive is food, shelter and sex. In that order or we would die. So if Freud is right I am dead.
I am not feeling very well at all which is why this update is so late. It has been rainy off and on around here so my Sarcoidosis is acting up something awful. I am also depressed from al this weather. It is cold and rainy again today. I also have a cold so even on the sunny days I can not go out.
On Mother’s Day the day started off nicely. I had some nice gifts given such as “House” season’s 3 & 4, and a pair of silver earrings. Lara gave me a toy shovel set, a toy water can, some bath boats and a sprinkler to play in. Her heart was in the right place, as she loves all of them! Then we went to church where the children were awful. They went under the pews, laid on the pews and in general were very loud. Of coarse that day they were begging for donations to sponsor children in poor countries so the service was extra long. After we went to the florist to get flowers for Greg’s mom’s grave. Then we went up there to visit her. The children fought the entire trip there and back. We were going to go to a diner but the wait was long and we were rushing to my parents. A brother had called that week to say we were all meeting at 1 PM so we could have an early dinner. He wanted that as his family gets up so early on a weekday and they are an hour from my mom’s house. Anyway we didn’t eat out so we went home and bought some bagels. Again the children were fighting. It was so bad I just lost my appetite, so I didn’t eat. Lara screamed all the time at home. She didn’t like the bagel, the TV show, etc. By the time everything settled down and we got to my mom’s it was 3 PM. No one was there! I was two hours late and the first arrival. I called the brother who set it up and his wife told me that 1 PM was just too early and that they would come when they could make it! I mean what the heck! I rushed to make the time and they took their sweet time. Never again will I fall for that. Next time we will just do as we please and then let them wait.
This past Tuesday was Greg’s’ birthday. He worked from home, but spent most of the time in the backyard working on his lawn. He set up reservations for 5 PM and was barely done in time. I had to get the children ready. I gave him some DVD’s (Lost season 1 and an X Man one), some grapefruit candy, a CD of Diana Cral, and a hair dryer. After dinner we had a cake I made for him. His dad gave him a check and his sister gave him a DVD of “Pink”. He has to play that at work, as I can’t stand her. The whole “nah, nah, na nah nah” song makes me sick.
Now today it is rainy and cold and I feel awful. I just want to go to sleep but I have to take care of Anthony and then get Lara later on. Hopefully I can catch a nap today.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Not doing great...
Lara had a bad week last week as far as having accidents at school. She had three BM’s and one wet pants. We just o not know what to do. We took her to the doctors on Friday and he suggested we give her a mild laxative to see if she could control herself that way. That maybe she was having pain when going and so was putting it off. Apparently some children do this. At any rate the other children are asking us why she keeps on pooping in her pants. So the problem is a social one as well. She is also more spacey than usual. It is hard to get her attention and keep it. She also mutters to herself. All in all I am just worried about her.
Anthony is the polar opposite of his sister. He is developing right on track although he says he does not want to go to school next year. I think he will be just fine one he gets there. I think he has a great vocabulary but maybe it is just me. The other day we were putting on the news. Both the children wanted to watch Spongebob instead. So I told them we would watch the news first and then Spongebob as there were a few times the show would be played in a row. Lara screamed, but Anthony said, “Lara we are compromising so every one is happy”. I thought it was great that at four he knows the word and how to use it correctly. He is also writing small words with his Magna Doodle and when we give him paper and crayons. So I think he will be fine in school.
Greg has been more standoffish than usual and at this point I find it hard to even care about that. He was upset on Friday because I forgot the school was having a plant sale for mother’s day. We got a notice home that he saw but he forgot and I was supposed to remember. I think he should remember that kind of things. First of all isn’t the holiday for me? So why should I shop for myself? Second, and a biggy is even though I am female I actually do not like plants. I do not like gardening or anything to do with plants so why would I buy myself a gift I do not like? I ended up giving him cash at the school so Lara could buy me a plant. She was so proud and cute when she gave it.
My Sarcoidosis is acting up and causing pain as usual, but with the recent colder weather and rain it is more than usual. I think anytime the weather has precipitation it gets worse. When it snowed this past winter it hurt more, and now in the rain it hurts more too. I am just tired of being sick all the time. I am getting really down and it is hard for me to do much of anything. I just can’t seem to care. The house is a mess and I just don’t have the energy or desire to clean it.
We lost the baby birds this weekend as well so I am really sad about that. Greg went to look in on them Sunday morning and the nest was empty. Then he saw them all on the ground. They had died there sometime between when we had seen them the night before and the morning. There were three of them scattered around. They were so small and cute. I cried when I found them. The children were very sad as well. Greg had seen a third bird fighting with two birds earlier that day so we are not sure if a bird was involved. I do know that I found the collar of a cat that lives two doors down right by a baby bird so I am thinking it was the cat. We are not 100% sure though. I have to return the color as it has the cats ID tag and proof of rabies shots. I put the babies in a jewelry box and buried them in the back. I just couldn’t leave them there. Anthony was sad but is over it now. Lara is having a hard time and was saying she was scared to be alone last night. She was afraid the cat would come after her. We tried to tell her she is bigger than the cat, but she wouldn’t listen. I hope she gets over it today at school.
Today is a cold, rainy, miserable day here. I have to do the laundry and go grocery shopping later on.
Anthony is the polar opposite of his sister. He is developing right on track although he says he does not want to go to school next year. I think he will be just fine one he gets there. I think he has a great vocabulary but maybe it is just me. The other day we were putting on the news. Both the children wanted to watch Spongebob instead. So I told them we would watch the news first and then Spongebob as there were a few times the show would be played in a row. Lara screamed, but Anthony said, “Lara we are compromising so every one is happy”. I thought it was great that at four he knows the word and how to use it correctly. He is also writing small words with his Magna Doodle and when we give him paper and crayons. So I think he will be fine in school.
Greg has been more standoffish than usual and at this point I find it hard to even care about that. He was upset on Friday because I forgot the school was having a plant sale for mother’s day. We got a notice home that he saw but he forgot and I was supposed to remember. I think he should remember that kind of things. First of all isn’t the holiday for me? So why should I shop for myself? Second, and a biggy is even though I am female I actually do not like plants. I do not like gardening or anything to do with plants so why would I buy myself a gift I do not like? I ended up giving him cash at the school so Lara could buy me a plant. She was so proud and cute when she gave it.
My Sarcoidosis is acting up and causing pain as usual, but with the recent colder weather and rain it is more than usual. I think anytime the weather has precipitation it gets worse. When it snowed this past winter it hurt more, and now in the rain it hurts more too. I am just tired of being sick all the time. I am getting really down and it is hard for me to do much of anything. I just can’t seem to care. The house is a mess and I just don’t have the energy or desire to clean it.
We lost the baby birds this weekend as well so I am really sad about that. Greg went to look in on them Sunday morning and the nest was empty. Then he saw them all on the ground. They had died there sometime between when we had seen them the night before and the morning. There were three of them scattered around. They were so small and cute. I cried when I found them. The children were very sad as well. Greg had seen a third bird fighting with two birds earlier that day so we are not sure if a bird was involved. I do know that I found the collar of a cat that lives two doors down right by a baby bird so I am thinking it was the cat. We are not 100% sure though. I have to return the color as it has the cats ID tag and proof of rabies shots. I put the babies in a jewelry box and buried them in the back. I just couldn’t leave them there. Anthony was sad but is over it now. Lara is having a hard time and was saying she was scared to be alone last night. She was afraid the cat would come after her. We tried to tell her she is bigger than the cat, but she wouldn’t listen. I hope she gets over it today at school.
Today is a cold, rainy, miserable day here. I have to do the laundry and go grocery shopping later on.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I am a failure as a mother...
I just have no idea on what to do about Lara. She had a BM last Monday morning in school, and again yesterday at about the same time. So I went in both times to clean her up. The first time I took her home as I thought she might have done it to get out of school. Yesterday I kept her in school in hopes that it would stop her incontinence. Well at about 2 PM I got called him as she had wet her pants. I had used her change of clothing in the morning so she had nothing left. Then I left her again and picked her up at 3:10. So I drove to the school and back home four times yesterday. Now today at about the same time this morning I got a call from the school that she had a BM in her pants! This time I left another change in case she pees at 2 PM again.
I just don’t know what to do about this. She has not done this up to now with the BM so I am thinking it is not physical. Gregory went on the web and found some kind of muscle disorder that affects 1% of children and thinks that might be it. I do not however as that is present from birth and this has only been happening within a month of today. Before this she has wet her pants, but not BM. I am praying it is not MD or anything else that is life threatening. Wouldn’t MD show up with her major muscles as well though?
I am just at a standstill here. To make it worse my Sarcoidosis is causing my mid drift to be in more pain than usual and I am exhausted all the time. At night it is hard to sleep with the heat. When the phone rings I fear it is the school. So I am letting the machine get it first.
I just don’t know what to do about this. She has not done this up to now with the BM so I am thinking it is not physical. Gregory went on the web and found some kind of muscle disorder that affects 1% of children and thinks that might be it. I do not however as that is present from birth and this has only been happening within a month of today. Before this she has wet her pants, but not BM. I am praying it is not MD or anything else that is life threatening. Wouldn’t MD show up with her major muscles as well though?
I am just at a standstill here. To make it worse my Sarcoidosis is causing my mid drift to be in more pain than usual and I am exhausted all the time. At night it is hard to sleep with the heat. When the phone rings I fear it is the school. So I am letting the machine get it first.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Ugh Squared....
Just as I hit the "Publish Post" my phone rang. Lara had another BM at school! This is just getting to be too much. She just can’t do this in first grade. Then she screamed because I didn’t have pants that she likes. I cleaned her up and decided to keep her in school rather than taking her home. I think taking her home gives her the idea she can do this and get out of school. Maybe if she knows she has to go back to class she will sop it already. When I left she was crying. It breaks my heart to see her like that but at this point it also breaks my heart to think that she will be the child that always has poop in her pants. I just wish I had the wisdom to know what to do in situations like this, as there is no clear answer.
Ugh...
The week was busy as usual. Lara had a hard time at school and had to leave early on Tuesday because she was a mess. She had a BM in her pants. Later on in the week she peed in her pants. The change of clothing I gave her that day was missing so I had to bring some clothes to her. The school was supposed to have a fire drill at that time but they held it so she could get into fresh clothes. I thought that was nice of them to do. Lara is just drifting further away from us and I just don’t know why. She doesn’t eat much and likes to just stare off. I feel like we are slowly loosing her and I just don’t know what to do. Greg is looking for a psychiatrist for her and later on today we will see the neurologist to get the results of the 48 hour EEG that we did at the hospital. Hopefully she will give us a clue on what is going on, as it was video taped as well.
Anthony is becoming quite the little man here. He is building pyramids with his Legos. He also has a great vocabulary and is very observant. He is writing out small words on his Magna Doodle also. He is just so opposite of his sister in so many ways. We have to be careful not to over praise him, as Lara gets jealous of him. On Saturday his guardian angel was on overtime. He had a really close call and scared the heck out of me. He went into the kitchen to get a snack out of a cabinet we have. It is a self standing one that we got at Target that has five shelves. Anyway he hung on the door. Greg was right there and told him not to but he did anyway and Greg did not try to physically stop him like I do. Anyway the cabinet fell over and Anthony managed to get out of the way. The cabinet barely missed him. A little more over and he would have been hit. We have a cement floor covered by tiles. I just don’t know if he would be here still if it had hit him. I fear not. I want to anchor the cabinet but out walls are cinderblocks covered by cement so it is complicated on how to do that. Greg is supposed to as he grew up across the street in the same model house and so knows how to do it, but he just doesn’t get to it. So until he does Anthony can not go into that cabinet again. What worries me is that in the morning Greg’s dad comes over to watch him. When he watches him that is exactly what he does he watches him. He watches him climb up things and get into things that are not allowed. He watches him climb up on a chair to reach on his tippy toes to get junk food for breakfast! I mean WTF? Why doesn’t it register that a little boy shouldn’t eat candy for breakfast or should climb like that? How did Greg survive boy hood? I don’t want him watching unless he is going to supervise as well. He shouldn’t climb, as he can get hurt. I mean I get why he does it. That is from me. I have always climbed and the crew I like best on the job is lighting climber. I can climb and get extra pay! I also get to be away from the roadies which is great sometimes because they can get to be a pain to deal with. I miss working. No stagehand can work around here unless they have younger family and I am the youngest so that is out. The work is just not steady enough to get licensed day care. Unlicensed is just too risky.
Greg was his usual self this week. Saturday he wanted to do something fun with the family outside as it was going to be so nice. He said he would get up at seven, do two hours of yard work, and then do something with us. I knew this just was not going to be the case as he said this all last year and it never did work out that way. He promised this year would be different. Well he got up at ten, had a leisure breakfast, went out to the yard at eleven, and finished up at four thirty. Then he showed and dressed and was ready to do something at six. So he is doing again this year what he did last year! So no family fun that day. I had taken them out in the yard earlier in the day but they fought and kept on going inside for water and snacks that I just eventually went inside with them. They were happier there even though Greg said they would be happier outside. Outside was just too hot. The weather had become super hot, super fast. It was in the 90’s this weekend and it is still up there. This is just too early for this kind of weather here. On Sunday I switched all the clothes from winter to summer. I had to do the children’s Greg’s and mine so it was a lot of work.
I am not doing well at all. I feel like a whale with all my extra weight. I can not fit into most of my pants, as I am too big. My shirts are no problem as I always wore large and extra large, but the pants are a problem. I am now taking diet pill in the hopes that my appetite will calm down. I don’t feel guilty about that, as it was the prednisone that made me fat. So if one pill made me fat why not take another to make me thin again? My face is also all broken out and I feel so ugly with that. My back is getting worse and my mid drift is in more pain at night. Last year at this time was when the pain was building up. By mid May I was taking Percocet so I am hoping it does not get that bad again. I am also often nauseas as well. Greg is going to see if his old dermatologist is on out health plan as the last one I saw was awful. We waited an hour and a half to see him less than five minutes. He them gave me a script for topical meds that cost $90 after the insurance paid its part! We had to leave it at the store, as I just don’t have that kind of money to spend on my face. Id rather get food and clothes for the children, KWIM?
We did manage to go to “Friendlies” on Saturday. The children were a bit noisy there. We decided to let Lara play the stuffed animal machine as you can now play until you win. It has a claw to grab stuffed toys. Well she had to go to the bathroom after starting, while we were away Greg let Anthony do it and he won a dog. When we got back Lara was mad so we gave her two dollars to play again. Well she couldn’t get anything, nor could I, nor could Greg, nor could Anthony. We tried and tried. So much for play until you win! After a while you just want to scream. Eventually I went to the car with the children. Lara was screaming she wanted to stay but I thought it was late enough. Greg did come out with a toy, but it wasn’t a cute animal. It was this stuffed boy doll with the Jamaican flag color on his hat and his tongue sticking out. Lara hated it and screamed.
On a nice positive note a couple of Robins decided that our bush by our front door was a great place to live. She the female made her nest there and later on laid her eggs in it. They have three beautiful blue eggs that she sits on day and night. I can see her on the nest when I look out my bedroom window. She doesn’t care when we are outside near it but if she sees we are looking at her she flies away. I don’t do that but Greg did a couple of times. He wont do it again as we fear her leaving the nest. We have yet to see the male but we know he is around somewhere guarding the brood. They usually are nearby and hidden. The mommy had a great day today as Greg watered the lawn. The water can not get to her, but the worms in the ground come up. So all she had to do when she woke up was fly down to the ground, eat a nice big worm, get a drink, splash some water on herself and get right back up again. Fast food and bath. Greg saw the whole thing from our window. It is nice to see the birds there. When we come home at night we can see her tail feathers sticking out of the nest. I like that.
Anthony is becoming quite the little man here. He is building pyramids with his Legos. He also has a great vocabulary and is very observant. He is writing out small words on his Magna Doodle also. He is just so opposite of his sister in so many ways. We have to be careful not to over praise him, as Lara gets jealous of him. On Saturday his guardian angel was on overtime. He had a really close call and scared the heck out of me. He went into the kitchen to get a snack out of a cabinet we have. It is a self standing one that we got at Target that has five shelves. Anyway he hung on the door. Greg was right there and told him not to but he did anyway and Greg did not try to physically stop him like I do. Anyway the cabinet fell over and Anthony managed to get out of the way. The cabinet barely missed him. A little more over and he would have been hit. We have a cement floor covered by tiles. I just don’t know if he would be here still if it had hit him. I fear not. I want to anchor the cabinet but out walls are cinderblocks covered by cement so it is complicated on how to do that. Greg is supposed to as he grew up across the street in the same model house and so knows how to do it, but he just doesn’t get to it. So until he does Anthony can not go into that cabinet again. What worries me is that in the morning Greg’s dad comes over to watch him. When he watches him that is exactly what he does he watches him. He watches him climb up things and get into things that are not allowed. He watches him climb up on a chair to reach on his tippy toes to get junk food for breakfast! I mean WTF? Why doesn’t it register that a little boy shouldn’t eat candy for breakfast or should climb like that? How did Greg survive boy hood? I don’t want him watching unless he is going to supervise as well. He shouldn’t climb, as he can get hurt. I mean I get why he does it. That is from me. I have always climbed and the crew I like best on the job is lighting climber. I can climb and get extra pay! I also get to be away from the roadies which is great sometimes because they can get to be a pain to deal with. I miss working. No stagehand can work around here unless they have younger family and I am the youngest so that is out. The work is just not steady enough to get licensed day care. Unlicensed is just too risky.
Greg was his usual self this week. Saturday he wanted to do something fun with the family outside as it was going to be so nice. He said he would get up at seven, do two hours of yard work, and then do something with us. I knew this just was not going to be the case as he said this all last year and it never did work out that way. He promised this year would be different. Well he got up at ten, had a leisure breakfast, went out to the yard at eleven, and finished up at four thirty. Then he showed and dressed and was ready to do something at six. So he is doing again this year what he did last year! So no family fun that day. I had taken them out in the yard earlier in the day but they fought and kept on going inside for water and snacks that I just eventually went inside with them. They were happier there even though Greg said they would be happier outside. Outside was just too hot. The weather had become super hot, super fast. It was in the 90’s this weekend and it is still up there. This is just too early for this kind of weather here. On Sunday I switched all the clothes from winter to summer. I had to do the children’s Greg’s and mine so it was a lot of work.
I am not doing well at all. I feel like a whale with all my extra weight. I can not fit into most of my pants, as I am too big. My shirts are no problem as I always wore large and extra large, but the pants are a problem. I am now taking diet pill in the hopes that my appetite will calm down. I don’t feel guilty about that, as it was the prednisone that made me fat. So if one pill made me fat why not take another to make me thin again? My face is also all broken out and I feel so ugly with that. My back is getting worse and my mid drift is in more pain at night. Last year at this time was when the pain was building up. By mid May I was taking Percocet so I am hoping it does not get that bad again. I am also often nauseas as well. Greg is going to see if his old dermatologist is on out health plan as the last one I saw was awful. We waited an hour and a half to see him less than five minutes. He them gave me a script for topical meds that cost $90 after the insurance paid its part! We had to leave it at the store, as I just don’t have that kind of money to spend on my face. Id rather get food and clothes for the children, KWIM?
We did manage to go to “Friendlies” on Saturday. The children were a bit noisy there. We decided to let Lara play the stuffed animal machine as you can now play until you win. It has a claw to grab stuffed toys. Well she had to go to the bathroom after starting, while we were away Greg let Anthony do it and he won a dog. When we got back Lara was mad so we gave her two dollars to play again. Well she couldn’t get anything, nor could I, nor could Greg, nor could Anthony. We tried and tried. So much for play until you win! After a while you just want to scream. Eventually I went to the car with the children. Lara was screaming she wanted to stay but I thought it was late enough. Greg did come out with a toy, but it wasn’t a cute animal. It was this stuffed boy doll with the Jamaican flag color on his hat and his tongue sticking out. Lara hated it and screamed.
On a nice positive note a couple of Robins decided that our bush by our front door was a great place to live. She the female made her nest there and later on laid her eggs in it. They have three beautiful blue eggs that she sits on day and night. I can see her on the nest when I look out my bedroom window. She doesn’t care when we are outside near it but if she sees we are looking at her she flies away. I don’t do that but Greg did a couple of times. He wont do it again as we fear her leaving the nest. We have yet to see the male but we know he is around somewhere guarding the brood. They usually are nearby and hidden. The mommy had a great day today as Greg watered the lawn. The water can not get to her, but the worms in the ground come up. So all she had to do when she woke up was fly down to the ground, eat a nice big worm, get a drink, splash some water on herself and get right back up again. Fast food and bath. Greg saw the whole thing from our window. It is nice to see the birds there. When we come home at night we can see her tail feathers sticking out of the nest. I like that.
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Hospital...
The hospital went pretty much as expected. Lara was a mess when they attached the wires for her 48 hour EEG. They had to use glue to attach the wires so they would not fall off during the test. The glue had a strong odor and Lara hated it. That compacted with her being in a hospital and lying on an examination table just made her have a melt down. She screamed and cried the whole time that was being done and was begging me to make it stop. It was very hard for us to go through this time. Later on she settled down a bit at her room. Her appetite was awful and barely ate anything. I ordered things like pizza for her and she even refused that. The pizza was actually good as I think it was from a pizza place and not those institutional square pieces of cardboard that you usually get in an institution. My meals were messed up, as I was a “Vegetarian Diet”. The kitchen staff edited everything I ordered to a “diet” meaning weight loss. So when I asked for whole milk I got 1%. When I asked for cake I got fruit, my coffee became tea. Every time I would have to get the kitchen person to switch it back again so I always got my food later than Lara. This actually gave me time to try to get her to eat. Her sense of time went away while wee were there. I would ask her two hours after her meal arrived if she was hungry and she would yell that she told me already that she was not hungry as if I had just asked her when in fact it was two hours since I said anything. She also stayed up until 2 AM the first night and 1 AM the next with no naps during the day! So basically she didn’t eat or sleep while there. She also threw a few fits and hated the toys I brought for her. The only thing she liked was the coloring book and the box of 120 different colored crayons. She had a few “events” that were recorded so hopefully the doctor will give us details soon on what that was about. Greg visited a couple of times with Anthony as Lara had talked to him on the phone and asked for him to come over. They had never been apart since his birth and so I think they missed each other. Of coarse when together they fought and so I took Anthony to the playroom while her dad stayed with her. I found a computer in the playroom and so was able to go online for a few minutes. She also fought with her dad even though before his arrival she cried about him not being there. She loved the balloons he brought her and made her feel special. When they took off the wires she was again screaming and crying from the smell. The solvent they used was great at taking off the glue and it was very smooth, but again stinky so she hated it. She was miserable on the way home but Greg had more balloons waiting for her so her mood improved when she got in the house. The whole thing was very emotionally draining on us both. I kept on thinking of the parents of children that are seriously sick. I mean this was only a test and it was hard. How much harder they have it. I prayed for them a lot while I was there.
Greg was off for the rest of the week as it was Lara’s spring break. So I could not go online much. As soon as I sat down he kvetched about me being online “all the time”. We did a couple of fun things such as taking a walk at a local nature center. Mostly though they played in the back yard which is something they love to do so they were happy. While they played in the sand box I read the bible. I am up to Job now. I didn’t get to read it all during Lent like I wanted to, but I think God understands that I am a slow reader and also I am still reading so it is not like I wont finish it at all.
Anthony is a real piece of work. He is maturing so fast. He can now make letters with his Legos and spelled out “FIT” with them. He just does things that seem advanced. His structures are also getting very complex. I think he is going to do well in school.
Greg and I are OK but not getting any closer. He still stays on the computer watching “Lost” reruns. He is up to the current season and soon will watching the show as it is played. He is however now behind in “Desperate Housewives” and so will probably stay up all night watching those reruns. I think he will do just about anything not to go to bed with me. I really can’t blame him. My face is all broken out, my hair is salt and pepper, and I am so fat. I am just a mess. I would rather not go to bed with me either. I just don’t even bother with my looks anymore. I just wear jeans and a sweat shirt with no jewelry of any kind most days. I am just feeling very depressed. My Sarcoidosis is also giving me the usual pain and I am just tired of being in pain all the time. I wish it would go inactive so the pain would go away and my skin would clear up. I had fun doing the show but it closed this past Saturday so back to the ho hum nights again. Only thing about the show is a wish the cast had been more social to the crew. They went out a few times and didn’t invite the crew. I thought that was rude. It was mentioned to them I think and then the last few times they did tell us, but I was sad that they didn’t think of it themselves. When I first joined the cast and crew went out after every show and always had a great time, now the cast is so separate from the crew like we are servants. KWIM?
Greg was off for the rest of the week as it was Lara’s spring break. So I could not go online much. As soon as I sat down he kvetched about me being online “all the time”. We did a couple of fun things such as taking a walk at a local nature center. Mostly though they played in the back yard which is something they love to do so they were happy. While they played in the sand box I read the bible. I am up to Job now. I didn’t get to read it all during Lent like I wanted to, but I think God understands that I am a slow reader and also I am still reading so it is not like I wont finish it at all.
Anthony is a real piece of work. He is maturing so fast. He can now make letters with his Legos and spelled out “FIT” with them. He just does things that seem advanced. His structures are also getting very complex. I think he is going to do well in school.
Greg and I are OK but not getting any closer. He still stays on the computer watching “Lost” reruns. He is up to the current season and soon will watching the show as it is played. He is however now behind in “Desperate Housewives” and so will probably stay up all night watching those reruns. I think he will do just about anything not to go to bed with me. I really can’t blame him. My face is all broken out, my hair is salt and pepper, and I am so fat. I am just a mess. I would rather not go to bed with me either. I just don’t even bother with my looks anymore. I just wear jeans and a sweat shirt with no jewelry of any kind most days. I am just feeling very depressed. My Sarcoidosis is also giving me the usual pain and I am just tired of being in pain all the time. I wish it would go inactive so the pain would go away and my skin would clear up. I had fun doing the show but it closed this past Saturday so back to the ho hum nights again. Only thing about the show is a wish the cast had been more social to the crew. They went out a few times and didn’t invite the crew. I thought that was rude. It was mentioned to them I think and then the last few times they did tell us, but I was sad that they didn’t think of it themselves. When I first joined the cast and crew went out after every show and always had a great time, now the cast is so separate from the crew like we are servants. KWIM?
Easter...
Easter week was busy for me. Wednesday I baked cup cakes for Lara’s class as they had their “spring party “on Thursday. I had the religious group Wednesday night so I did the cup cakes when I got home. I was up until 2 AM doing that. I made little caterpillars out of M&M’s and icing. Thursday was the vigil of which I showed up late because I got the time messed up and also at the last minute Lara wanted to go so I had to dress her as she was in her PJ’s. Friday I was able to go to the 3 PM mass solo as Greg worked from home. I also went to the vigil solo on Saturday which was good as it was three hours long and the children would not have lasted that one out. Earlier in the day Greg said he wanted to make a big spread for his dad and sister the next morning! I got mad as when we were going to do all that he wanted. I mean I had a lot to do both that night and the next morning. He thought we could do it the same way we did Christmas but he forgot that we went to mass on Christmas Eve. On Easter morning we had to go to church at ten thirty and his dad and sister were coming at noon. So when did I have time to cook? We got a dozen bagels and some fancy spread (cream cheese and lox, cream cheese and olives) from the bagel shop instead. I had to help my mom set up for Easter dinner at her house that day also. On the way home Lara got sick in the car and so we had to pull over and clean her and the seat up. I almost didn’t make it to the vigil.
Turned out that we all got up early on Easter morning. The children were excited and so got up at 6:30! So the day started out great. Greg however dawdled and did not get into the shower. He also didn’t get to cleaning the seat for a long time. I said I would do it but he said he would, but then he didn’t move. Needless to say we didn’t make 10:30 mass. We changed the time with his dad and sister from noon to 11 AM. I thought they would stay awhile since we moved the time up. They however said they had to go at 11:15 to pick up Greg’s aunt to take her to a cousins house that they were going to for Easter dinner! I mean WTF? They were supposed to come 45 minutes later so were they planning on not coming at all? They didn’t have even one bagel so I am glad we did not make a huge spread for them. I think they are very rude for that. They came over for about ten minutes, never sat down, never ate or drank anything, and then left. I would never do that to anyone.
Turned out that we all got up early on Easter morning. The children were excited and so got up at 6:30! So the day started out great. Greg however dawdled and did not get into the shower. He also didn’t get to cleaning the seat for a long time. I said I would do it but he said he would, but then he didn’t move. Needless to say we didn’t make 10:30 mass. We changed the time with his dad and sister from noon to 11 AM. I thought they would stay awhile since we moved the time up. They however said they had to go at 11:15 to pick up Greg’s aunt to take her to a cousins house that they were going to for Easter dinner! I mean WTF? They were supposed to come 45 minutes later so were they planning on not coming at all? They didn’t have even one bagel so I am glad we did not make a huge spread for them. I think they are very rude for that. They came over for about ten minutes, never sat down, never ate or drank anything, and then left. I would never do that to anyone.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Busy, busy, busy...
Super busy trying to get ready for Easter. The shows went well this past weekend once they started. On Friday though we had an instrument out that I did not know about until five minutes before curtain. So I had to change the lamp with the audience looking on! The stage crew set up the ladder but then they left. It was also on two different levels so I adjusted that and an audience member came up and held it while I changed the lamp. Of coarse that was not the problem so I ended up switching out the entire unit. That had it own problems as it was on a side arm so that too had to be adjusted before I put on the new instrument and then out back into place. All in all it delayed the show some twenty minutes and the lighting shop is downstairs. I did a lot of running up and down the stairs so I got a good workout and slept like a log that night. I am just not as strong as I used to be. I was surprised though that I had no problems putting in the lamp. Usually I do as it is a twist lock and you can not touch the glass, but Friday I had no problems with it. Saturday and Sunday went without incident
I have to get some more Easter stuff and also some stuff for Lara at the hospital. I am thinking that coloring books and jig saw puzzles would be good as the require you to be quiet and still. The thing is I have to go shopping alone and that I just not easy to do with Anthony at home 24/7. Also with the cold rain my Sarcoidosis is just acting up something awful. I woke up feeling hung-over even though I didn’t touch a drop yesterday.
Lara had her usually awful screaming morning. Nothing new there. Anthony woke up earlier than usual. He had a bad dream and ended up in our bed last night. Well this morning he anted breakfast in bed. Our bed that is. Greg didn’t go for that though and so the boys were mad at each other.
I switched my lights finally from Saint Patrick’s Day to Easter, but have yet to hang the plastic eggs that I usually do. I just can not get the energy to do it. I also have to do laundry but can do that either. So not a great day for me here. I have to go get Lara early as it is rainy and so everyone goes early. If I showed up at the usual time I would be far from school. I honestly wonder if some of them just stay there all day! What ever, KWIM? I did manage to hook up our new TV. My parent got a new TV from my brothers and so gave us their old one. Their old one is newer than the one we have so it is an upgrade for us. It is bigger and has connections for a DVD so it is a good thing. Now all I have to do is get Greg to get it on the TV stand with me and we will be all set!
Greg and I actually snuggled a little this past weekend which was a nice surprise for me. Hopefully it will not be a one time thing.
I have to get some more Easter stuff and also some stuff for Lara at the hospital. I am thinking that coloring books and jig saw puzzles would be good as the require you to be quiet and still. The thing is I have to go shopping alone and that I just not easy to do with Anthony at home 24/7. Also with the cold rain my Sarcoidosis is just acting up something awful. I woke up feeling hung-over even though I didn’t touch a drop yesterday.
Lara had her usually awful screaming morning. Nothing new there. Anthony woke up earlier than usual. He had a bad dream and ended up in our bed last night. Well this morning he anted breakfast in bed. Our bed that is. Greg didn’t go for that though and so the boys were mad at each other.
I switched my lights finally from Saint Patrick’s Day to Easter, but have yet to hang the plastic eggs that I usually do. I just can not get the energy to do it. I also have to do laundry but can do that either. So not a great day for me here. I have to go get Lara early as it is rainy and so everyone goes early. If I showed up at the usual time I would be far from school. I honestly wonder if some of them just stay there all day! What ever, KWIM? I did manage to hook up our new TV. My parent got a new TV from my brothers and so gave us their old one. Their old one is newer than the one we have so it is an upgrade for us. It is bigger and has connections for a DVD so it is a good thing. Now all I have to do is get Greg to get it on the TV stand with me and we will be all set!
Greg and I actually snuggled a little this past weekend which was a nice surprise for me. Hopefully it will not be a one time thing.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Updates...
Anthony is doing OK but he refuses to get off the diaper. He says that if he stays with the diaper he won’t have to go to school next year. His wheels are in constant motion and is always thinking about everything. The things he comes out with sometimes are amazing. He is very aware of everything that is going on around him. He is also hyper sensitive with his boo boos. He also is getting into the routine of putting away all of his toys before supper. He makes these huge Lego sculptures and then dismantles them. He used to keep them up for days. I just have to work on his potty skills.
Lara is still having problems concentrating. We have her back on Focalin but at 10 mg. this time. She just has so many quirks now. She has to have her mouth covered all the time even when she eats. She now covers her mouth with her shirt so the necks are getting stretched out. We are trying to get her to stop but she screams when we try and stop her. She is going to get a 48 hour EEG at the hospital so hopefully we will find out what is going on with her. I will stay with her and Greg will stay at home with Anthony at night. In the day we will have babysitters over probably my parents as his sister just had her second hip replacement.
Greg is the same. He now wants us to go out to dinner and thinks that will make things better. I can not see how that will help us get closer I think he just wants to go out to dinner. He suggested dinner and a movie but I couldn’t find a movie playing that I wanted to see. If I am only going to see a movie every seven years I want it to be one I want to see. KWIM? Right now he is getting into the summer lawn mode so I will loose him to that soon.
I am not feeling so well and am tired all the time. I forget things too. The children are wonderful to be with but the marriage is just so bad. I really don’t have a husband here just a room mate. There is just nothing between us anymore. I like to go to the theatre and work the show but it only plays on the weekend so the week nights are as boring as ever. I make dinner, eat with the family, clean up the dishes, pots, pans and kitchen, and then have a cup of tea in my bed if Greg is changing the children. Otherwise I get the children ready for bed and then have that cup of tea. In the bible I am up to the second book of the kings, chapter twenty one. I will not finish it by the end of lent so I will just keep on going until I do. I think God will understand why it takes me a long time to read. I rather take my time and really read it than scan it and not get everything. KW
Lara is still having problems concentrating. We have her back on Focalin but at 10 mg. this time. She just has so many quirks now. She has to have her mouth covered all the time even when she eats. She now covers her mouth with her shirt so the necks are getting stretched out. We are trying to get her to stop but she screams when we try and stop her. She is going to get a 48 hour EEG at the hospital so hopefully we will find out what is going on with her. I will stay with her and Greg will stay at home with Anthony at night. In the day we will have babysitters over probably my parents as his sister just had her second hip replacement.
Greg is the same. He now wants us to go out to dinner and thinks that will make things better. I can not see how that will help us get closer I think he just wants to go out to dinner. He suggested dinner and a movie but I couldn’t find a movie playing that I wanted to see. If I am only going to see a movie every seven years I want it to be one I want to see. KWIM? Right now he is getting into the summer lawn mode so I will loose him to that soon.
I am not feeling so well and am tired all the time. I forget things too. The children are wonderful to be with but the marriage is just so bad. I really don’t have a husband here just a room mate. There is just nothing between us anymore. I like to go to the theatre and work the show but it only plays on the weekend so the week nights are as boring as ever. I make dinner, eat with the family, clean up the dishes, pots, pans and kitchen, and then have a cup of tea in my bed if Greg is changing the children. Otherwise I get the children ready for bed and then have that cup of tea. In the bible I am up to the second book of the kings, chapter twenty one. I will not finish it by the end of lent so I will just keep on going until I do. I think God will understand why it takes me a long time to read. I rather take my time and really read it than scan it and not get everything. KW
Monday, March 23, 2009
Lara is getting tested...
We have decided to get Lara a 48 hour EEG test. Her doctor recommended it, as they did not catch anything in the in office EEG that she had in the fall. The EEG was awful for even the short tie she had to have the wires in. I held her hand the whole time as she was whimpering and at times wanted to take the wires out. So this is going to be hard on her. I am going to be with her the entire time. Greg will be with her during the times we have a babysitter for Anthony but then he will have to go home to relive them. We are going to take along her favorite toys and activities. I am also going to get some new things that I hope will keep her mind off the wires stuck to her head. We are having this done during her spring break so she does not miss any school.
Anthony is doing well and is maturing by the day. His Lego sculpture is getting more elaborate. He is now calling it his art work. He is a good boy and is very helpful in the afternoon.
Greg is back to his old self. Watching “Lost” until the wee hours of the night and eating junk food while watching it. Then he wakes up late and complains his tummy is not feeling well. He also can’t get up on time, as he is up so late so his alarm goes off every five minutes for at least 35 minutes each morning! I am sick of it and kick him out of bed now at the third time it goes off. He complains and calls me mean but I manage to get him up. He gets more and more lazy. He expects me to do all the errands and such, all the correspondence and such and I just won’t do it. He wants me to call the religion class and say we can’t make it anymore. Why cant he? He is the one that wants to quit, nit me so he can make that call.
I had tech week last week for the theatre. I am running lights for “The Melody Lingers On” at Bergen County Players in Oradell, NJ. I sewed one of the skirts for the show. It was made of beads that were made for a Christmas tree, but I cut them and sewed them on a belt thus making a bead skirt. Kind of looks like a hula skirt only with more bling. It took me an entire day to do. I only had a few breaks to do mommy things like feed Anthony and pick up Lara from school. We are running the show until the weekend after Easter, so I think we close April 20th. We are closed on Good Friday and Easter, but have a performance that Saturday. I won’t be there that night as I will be at the Easter Vigil. The lighting designer will take over for me. We had “Players Night” on Friday where only member can attend. Then we all went out after. It was fun and I got all dressed up for once. Then we had opening night on Saturday and a 2 PM matinee on Sunday. The Sunday performance was sold out. Most Sundays are almost gone as well. I just like getting out and away from the family. I know that sounds bad but I just feel good getting to be some place where I do not have to watch the children the whole time I am there. I get to kick back and enjoy the music of Irving Berlin and watch the glitz and bling of the show. I am having a good time and am dancing in my lighting booth most of the show. I love getting away!
At night I am drinking a cup of tea and reading the bible. I am up to Samuel now. The tea is mostly green tea so if I was TTCing I would be in great shape. We are not though trying so no oops baby here.
Anthony is doing well and is maturing by the day. His Lego sculpture is getting more elaborate. He is now calling it his art work. He is a good boy and is very helpful in the afternoon.
Greg is back to his old self. Watching “Lost” until the wee hours of the night and eating junk food while watching it. Then he wakes up late and complains his tummy is not feeling well. He also can’t get up on time, as he is up so late so his alarm goes off every five minutes for at least 35 minutes each morning! I am sick of it and kick him out of bed now at the third time it goes off. He complains and calls me mean but I manage to get him up. He gets more and more lazy. He expects me to do all the errands and such, all the correspondence and such and I just won’t do it. He wants me to call the religion class and say we can’t make it anymore. Why cant he? He is the one that wants to quit, nit me so he can make that call.
I had tech week last week for the theatre. I am running lights for “The Melody Lingers On” at Bergen County Players in Oradell, NJ. I sewed one of the skirts for the show. It was made of beads that were made for a Christmas tree, but I cut them and sewed them on a belt thus making a bead skirt. Kind of looks like a hula skirt only with more bling. It took me an entire day to do. I only had a few breaks to do mommy things like feed Anthony and pick up Lara from school. We are running the show until the weekend after Easter, so I think we close April 20th. We are closed on Good Friday and Easter, but have a performance that Saturday. I won’t be there that night as I will be at the Easter Vigil. The lighting designer will take over for me. We had “Players Night” on Friday where only member can attend. Then we all went out after. It was fun and I got all dressed up for once. Then we had opening night on Saturday and a 2 PM matinee on Sunday. The Sunday performance was sold out. Most Sundays are almost gone as well. I just like getting out and away from the family. I know that sounds bad but I just feel good getting to be some place where I do not have to watch the children the whole time I am there. I get to kick back and enjoy the music of Irving Berlin and watch the glitz and bling of the show. I am having a good time and am dancing in my lighting booth most of the show. I love getting away!
At night I am drinking a cup of tea and reading the bible. I am up to Samuel now. The tea is mostly green tea so if I was TTCing I would be in great shape. We are not though trying so no oops baby here.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I am just so tired of being sick. Every morning I wake up in pain and nauseous. Greg is waking up late and later which only makes things worse. When he gets up late then he does not get out of the bathroom until after seven. Then he wakes Lara up at say 7:20 and we have to get her out in under and hour which of coarse does not happen. Then she is late for school. Greg takes over an hour to get ready so he has to get up first. I get about ten minutes to get ready. I am just sick of it and the pain and nausea only makes things harder for me to get ready, as I just don’t want to move. The fasting is probably good because even if I did eat I would probably just loose it all anyway. I never got morning sickness when pregnant so now that I am not why get it now?
Money is real tight now too and Greg is buggy me about the money I spend at the grocery store. It is not like I am buying a lot of meat and expensive things. I buy only basics and very little meat at all. Heck as a vegetarian I rarely think of it, but know that Greg and the children should have it a once a week. Anyway I am still trying to figure out what kind of job I can get. It has to be at night when Greg is home. The blinkies are just not paying anything as of late.
On a positive note I am up to Deuteronomy in the bible.
Money is real tight now too and Greg is buggy me about the money I spend at the grocery store. It is not like I am buying a lot of meat and expensive things. I buy only basics and very little meat at all. Heck as a vegetarian I rarely think of it, but know that Greg and the children should have it a once a week. Anyway I am still trying to figure out what kind of job I can get. It has to be at night when Greg is home. The blinkies are just not paying anything as of late.
On a positive note I am up to Deuteronomy in the bible.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Ugh...
Lara has been in a funky mood. One minuet she is happy, the next she is creaming, the next she is all melancholy. She has been more melancholy than anything else and very clingy to me. She still hates school and hits Greg as he tries to get her dressed and ready for school. So as of late I rush to get dressed so I can get her ready. She also now keeps her hand in front of her mouth 24/7. It used to be only when she was sleepy, but now it is all the time even when eating. She manages to maneuver her food in but in takes a long time. We think this is all side effects of her meds. At least her cold/virus is finally gone.
Anthony is better now too, but is very clingy like his sister. Today he just wanted to snuggle with me. I wish I could but I have laundry to do. Now he is watching a DVD in my bed so I have time to type. Later on I will snuggle with him.
I had an awful week with Cornerstone. The woman who was head of the dining room is a total loon! She came and took the bags she dumped on me later on Tuesday afternoon. Both children were ill and in the living room so she did not come in the house. I actually never gave her the opportunity as I stood in the barely opened door and did not invite her in. Greg grabbed the bags and handed them to her, but even then she was not nice saying there were more. I guess she expected him to take it all in one load but she had to wait. She told me then she didn’t want to deal with me at all from then on. I wasn’t sure what to do so I called the head of the retreat and talked with her. That woman ended up repaying me the bill and calming me down, as at that point I was all shaking and upset. I ended up agreeing to drop off the things I made and then go to another section of the retreat. When I got there though Loon was acting like nothing happened between us. I stayed on dining room and that was a mistake. She was nice at first but as the day progressed she became more and more nasty. She would give me a task and when I finished if she was busy I would help in another area. Well she would snip at me saying we all had to do our own jobs and not to help. If I interrupted her she would say she had to finish what she was doing first. If I waited she would complain I wasn’t working. The woman is a total loon! We had so many meetings during the day it is pathetic. At one point we had fifteen minutes left and we had to put out the nick knacks. Well she wanted a meeting to decode the exact space to put them! No one cared; all we wanted was to finish the job. Who cares if it was one inch or two from the fork? Later on during clean up she was just nasty all the time. She was saying if I didn’t get done I wouldn’t be able to go to the closing mass. I kept on saying I had to as I was in the choir but she just didn’t get it. So when the time came I just left. Actually another Cornerstone member told me I should do that. She was nasty to everyone and we were all tired of it. Another dining room member told me she was thinking of leaving the group because of Loon. I am not sure if I will stay either. The kitchen people were so nice though. I heard the leader all day thanking her crew, smiling and acting nice. Then when they ate she gave a beautiful speech on how well they did. Loon did nothing like that for us.
My parents watched the children both Friday and Saturday. The children were mellow so they did not do much with them. Greg went on a company dinner on Friday. With times as they are the socialization is a must. You want to be a face with a name and family and not just a name on a piece of paper. KWIM? It is easy to fire a name on a piece of paper, but hard to fire a face with a dependent wife and two small children to support. On Saturday he worked in the theatre’s box office. Greg is being bad again about waking up. He overslept yesterday and today. I just do not know what to do.
My Sarcoidosis is about the same, no change. My midriff still hurts all day and gets worse at night. I over did it with the Cornerstone set up and so am in pain. Yesterday when I dropped Lara off for CCD I found out that Cornerstone had left all the clocks covered so I uncovered them. So now I am achy over that. They were covered so that the candidates couldn’t stare at the clock seeing how much time was left on their 26 hour retreat. I also think I am getting a cold as I am cold all over today, but then again it is rainy and this kind of weather just shivers me to the bone even when I am OK. The Lental fast is going OK. I have one meal a day at dinner time with the family. I have a cup of coffee in the morning and if I start getting tired I have a diet soda to boost me up.
For lent this year I decided instead of giving something up I was going to do something. So I am reading the bible from cover to cover. I am only up to the Exodus now as I am a slow reader. I am no longer a host at FF. It was getting to be a pain, as they wanted me to write a report at the end of every month. I did write one but they never responded to me. The set up was every month my member ship would expire unless they renewed it. Well they never responded on renewed my membership and it expired. So I bought the pregnancy cheap $10 one. I mean for $10 a year I was expected to be on line and helping 24/7? I can’t even figure out how much my hourly wages would be but it was well under a penny! I think my work is more worthy than that!
Anthony is better now too, but is very clingy like his sister. Today he just wanted to snuggle with me. I wish I could but I have laundry to do. Now he is watching a DVD in my bed so I have time to type. Later on I will snuggle with him.
I had an awful week with Cornerstone. The woman who was head of the dining room is a total loon! She came and took the bags she dumped on me later on Tuesday afternoon. Both children were ill and in the living room so she did not come in the house. I actually never gave her the opportunity as I stood in the barely opened door and did not invite her in. Greg grabbed the bags and handed them to her, but even then she was not nice saying there were more. I guess she expected him to take it all in one load but she had to wait. She told me then she didn’t want to deal with me at all from then on. I wasn’t sure what to do so I called the head of the retreat and talked with her. That woman ended up repaying me the bill and calming me down, as at that point I was all shaking and upset. I ended up agreeing to drop off the things I made and then go to another section of the retreat. When I got there though Loon was acting like nothing happened between us. I stayed on dining room and that was a mistake. She was nice at first but as the day progressed she became more and more nasty. She would give me a task and when I finished if she was busy I would help in another area. Well she would snip at me saying we all had to do our own jobs and not to help. If I interrupted her she would say she had to finish what she was doing first. If I waited she would complain I wasn’t working. The woman is a total loon! We had so many meetings during the day it is pathetic. At one point we had fifteen minutes left and we had to put out the nick knacks. Well she wanted a meeting to decode the exact space to put them! No one cared; all we wanted was to finish the job. Who cares if it was one inch or two from the fork? Later on during clean up she was just nasty all the time. She was saying if I didn’t get done I wouldn’t be able to go to the closing mass. I kept on saying I had to as I was in the choir but she just didn’t get it. So when the time came I just left. Actually another Cornerstone member told me I should do that. She was nasty to everyone and we were all tired of it. Another dining room member told me she was thinking of leaving the group because of Loon. I am not sure if I will stay either. The kitchen people were so nice though. I heard the leader all day thanking her crew, smiling and acting nice. Then when they ate she gave a beautiful speech on how well they did. Loon did nothing like that for us.
My parents watched the children both Friday and Saturday. The children were mellow so they did not do much with them. Greg went on a company dinner on Friday. With times as they are the socialization is a must. You want to be a face with a name and family and not just a name on a piece of paper. KWIM? It is easy to fire a name on a piece of paper, but hard to fire a face with a dependent wife and two small children to support. On Saturday he worked in the theatre’s box office. Greg is being bad again about waking up. He overslept yesterday and today. I just do not know what to do.
My Sarcoidosis is about the same, no change. My midriff still hurts all day and gets worse at night. I over did it with the Cornerstone set up and so am in pain. Yesterday when I dropped Lara off for CCD I found out that Cornerstone had left all the clocks covered so I uncovered them. So now I am achy over that. They were covered so that the candidates couldn’t stare at the clock seeing how much time was left on their 26 hour retreat. I also think I am getting a cold as I am cold all over today, but then again it is rainy and this kind of weather just shivers me to the bone even when I am OK. The Lental fast is going OK. I have one meal a day at dinner time with the family. I have a cup of coffee in the morning and if I start getting tired I have a diet soda to boost me up.
For lent this year I decided instead of giving something up I was going to do something. So I am reading the bible from cover to cover. I am only up to the Exodus now as I am a slow reader. I am no longer a host at FF. It was getting to be a pain, as they wanted me to write a report at the end of every month. I did write one but they never responded to me. The set up was every month my member ship would expire unless they renewed it. Well they never responded on renewed my membership and it expired. So I bought the pregnancy cheap $10 one. I mean for $10 a year I was expected to be on line and helping 24/7? I can’t even figure out how much my hourly wages would be but it was well under a penny! I think my work is more worthy than that!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Life goes on...
Lara is now on a new drug called Vyvance. She was sick all of last week and missed a lot of school. She was coughing and running huge temperatures of around 103-104. By Friday she seemed to be coming down, but on the weekend she got worse. This week she missed Monday because of a snow day. Tuesday we kept her home because Monday she had a fever of 101. The school wants them out the day after they have a temperature over 100. Finally yesterday (Wednesday) she went back to school but got sick so I took her home at 9:30. Her doctor said her new meds had to be given in capsule form or opened up in water only. She also has to have food with it. Well she refuses to take it in water so we gave it to her in capsule form. She refused so I had to force it in her. I put it back on her tongue until her swallowing reflux took over. I was taught that by a vet when I had to give pills to my cat. Anyway needless to say she screamed at me and was very upset and was crying and yelling on how awful a mommy I am. Shortly after going to school she threw up. I asked the nurse what to do and she said I could put it in food so today I put it in pudding and she ate it, but again she yelled and cried afterward and called ma a mean mommy. She still has a cough today so not sure when I will be called to take her home.
Anthony is ill and has been since Friday. He spiked some scary temperatures this past weekend of 104-105. I took him to the doctor on Monday and was told it was a virus and to wait it out. Today his fever is low grade so I think he is coming out of it. He still has a cough though. He is bored at staying at home but I can’t take him out now that he is so sick. Even though his fever is low grade I want to keep him in a day or so more to keep it tat way.
I still have pain in the mid drift and am tired all the time. I am trying to fast for lent but it is hard this year. My lent fast means that I eat one meal a day. Usually I only have a cup of coffee in the morning and water throughout the day, but this year I am having soda as well to get some sugar during the day. I have to find a new doctor as this is just too much. Also Greg is pressuring me to get a job, as the bills are not getting paid. I just don’t know when I can work. The only time that I could go is when Greg is at home so I have to see what kind of night job I can get.
I went away last weekend on a religious retreat with Greg. The children stayed across the street with their Poppy and Aunt Debbie. They had quite a handful on the weekend with the two of them getting sick. They called us when Anthony had the 105 temperature but after giving Motrin it quickly went down. The weekend was good. We got a chance to be away from the children and learned a lot about our faith. Some I had already known, but some was new. They did a lot of the background of the last supper and how it intertwines with the Passover Seder. I had already been to a Seder so I already knew that stuff. A lot of people were not that familiar with it so it was good that they taught it. I had bought bibles for Greg and I before going. I bought a bible and separate cover for Greg. The cover is black and has a handle and pocket, and is about 10”x 7”. Mine is smaller about 8”x5”. It is green and has a self zipper cover. Both are the American St. Josephs edition. I started reading mine on the weekend and am up to Joseph in Egypt. I like to read a little everyday. Everything was calm on the retreat but coming home was awful.
When we got home both children had fevers. Lara had 103 and Anthony had 104. We took them home in their PJ’s. Good thing we only had to cross the street. Then when I got home a member of a church group “Cornerstone” had multiple messages for me. Apparently she thought we were meeting on Saturday morning and she was angry I didn’t show up. She left messages throughout the day. She finally dumped bags of curtains on my stoop and left a message for me to open my door and get it. She must have thought I was screening all her calls and was home. She said she know we were home because the mini van was in the drive way. Well we took Greg’s car, and the children being so sick stayed in their Poppy’s house all weekend so where would the mini van go? Anyway my FIL saw the pile and brought it in the house as nothing says no one is home like a pile of junk on your stoop. So she comes by later and sees the stuff gone and then calls again at 11:30 PM to yell at me as she now knows I am home as how else could the pile move? She got cut off after yelling the maximum time for a message. She called right back and before she could say much the time was full and again she got cut off. So she probably thinks I hung up on her. At any rate she is mad at me even now as I told her I was not measuring the curtains that I never said that I would so she came and picked them up. I am just so upset by that. I went to reconciliation last night and am trying to get rid of that time and give it to God. It is hard though.
This weekend is the Cornerstone 26 hour retreat. I am supposed to work with the woman that dumped the stuff on my stoop but I called the leader and she will have me do something else. Greg will be home with the children for the most past and my parents will baby-sit when he has to go out. I have no idea now how long I will be there at the retreat, as I do not know what I am doing. I was on the dining room committee and so made some nick knacks for the candidates. I put together 83 angel pins and nine bookmarks. The book marks were a bit complicated and I used my jewelry making skills with that one. The pins were just time consuming. I also went to the cafeteria and measured out the room and made a floor plan to scale at home. I am not going to be on ding room again as none of this seems to be appreciated by that woman.
Greg is not changed much. Today he still hits the snooze alarm to death. I finally yelled at him and he got up but then he was mad at me because I accidentally scratched him. He is such a baby sometimes! Right now I feel like I have three children and Greg is the baby of the family.
I have not heard about the boy yet. I am praying that no new is good news. During the retreat we all prayed for him a couple of times.
Anthony is ill and has been since Friday. He spiked some scary temperatures this past weekend of 104-105. I took him to the doctor on Monday and was told it was a virus and to wait it out. Today his fever is low grade so I think he is coming out of it. He still has a cough though. He is bored at staying at home but I can’t take him out now that he is so sick. Even though his fever is low grade I want to keep him in a day or so more to keep it tat way.
I still have pain in the mid drift and am tired all the time. I am trying to fast for lent but it is hard this year. My lent fast means that I eat one meal a day. Usually I only have a cup of coffee in the morning and water throughout the day, but this year I am having soda as well to get some sugar during the day. I have to find a new doctor as this is just too much. Also Greg is pressuring me to get a job, as the bills are not getting paid. I just don’t know when I can work. The only time that I could go is when Greg is at home so I have to see what kind of night job I can get.
I went away last weekend on a religious retreat with Greg. The children stayed across the street with their Poppy and Aunt Debbie. They had quite a handful on the weekend with the two of them getting sick. They called us when Anthony had the 105 temperature but after giving Motrin it quickly went down. The weekend was good. We got a chance to be away from the children and learned a lot about our faith. Some I had already known, but some was new. They did a lot of the background of the last supper and how it intertwines with the Passover Seder. I had already been to a Seder so I already knew that stuff. A lot of people were not that familiar with it so it was good that they taught it. I had bought bibles for Greg and I before going. I bought a bible and separate cover for Greg. The cover is black and has a handle and pocket, and is about 10”x 7”. Mine is smaller about 8”x5”. It is green and has a self zipper cover. Both are the American St. Josephs edition. I started reading mine on the weekend and am up to Joseph in Egypt. I like to read a little everyday. Everything was calm on the retreat but coming home was awful.
When we got home both children had fevers. Lara had 103 and Anthony had 104. We took them home in their PJ’s. Good thing we only had to cross the street. Then when I got home a member of a church group “Cornerstone” had multiple messages for me. Apparently she thought we were meeting on Saturday morning and she was angry I didn’t show up. She left messages throughout the day. She finally dumped bags of curtains on my stoop and left a message for me to open my door and get it. She must have thought I was screening all her calls and was home. She said she know we were home because the mini van was in the drive way. Well we took Greg’s car, and the children being so sick stayed in their Poppy’s house all weekend so where would the mini van go? Anyway my FIL saw the pile and brought it in the house as nothing says no one is home like a pile of junk on your stoop. So she comes by later and sees the stuff gone and then calls again at 11:30 PM to yell at me as she now knows I am home as how else could the pile move? She got cut off after yelling the maximum time for a message. She called right back and before she could say much the time was full and again she got cut off. So she probably thinks I hung up on her. At any rate she is mad at me even now as I told her I was not measuring the curtains that I never said that I would so she came and picked them up. I am just so upset by that. I went to reconciliation last night and am trying to get rid of that time and give it to God. It is hard though.
This weekend is the Cornerstone 26 hour retreat. I am supposed to work with the woman that dumped the stuff on my stoop but I called the leader and she will have me do something else. Greg will be home with the children for the most past and my parents will baby-sit when he has to go out. I have no idea now how long I will be there at the retreat, as I do not know what I am doing. I was on the dining room committee and so made some nick knacks for the candidates. I put together 83 angel pins and nine bookmarks. The book marks were a bit complicated and I used my jewelry making skills with that one. The pins were just time consuming. I also went to the cafeteria and measured out the room and made a floor plan to scale at home. I am not going to be on ding room again as none of this seems to be appreciated by that woman.
Greg is not changed much. Today he still hits the snooze alarm to death. I finally yelled at him and he got up but then he was mad at me because I accidentally scratched him. He is such a baby sometimes! Right now I feel like I have three children and Greg is the baby of the family.
I have not heard about the boy yet. I am praying that no new is good news. During the retreat we all prayed for him a couple of times.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Why???????
I am so angry and so bitter today. I question why things happen and what is in God’s plan for all of us. I have been praying for a very dear little boy who was abused by his mother’s boyfriend and her father. The mother turned blind eye to all. He has severe head trauma and has been fighting for his life since August. He has been such a brave little boy, but he is weakening and does not have long to live. Why does God allow this? Why can’t this little boy have a happy life? How can his mother the one person who was the closest he could ever get to another human being turn on him so? She carried him in her uterus, shared her nourishment and body with him for nine months. How could she do this to him? He is a precious gift from God and she destroyed him. I can not describe the depth of hatred I feel towards this woman I have never met. I feel genuine hate for her. I feel so helpless and want to be of help. All I can do is pray to God that a miracle occurs and he not only survives but has a happy life.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Sigh...
I have to go back to the hospital and get the MRI films and deliver them to the city. I have been putting that off for some reason. I am still feeling tired and depressed. Sad to say I had a couple of nights where I drank before going to bed and had too much and pissed off Greg. I felt so bad the next day for not spending the time with the children. I just feel so sick I just wanted to sleep soundly and be pain free.
Lara is showing no signs of improvement with her meds and so Greg wants to up the dosage. He is calling the doctor today. She just can’t concentrate anymore and her habits are getting worse. She has her hand on her mouth 24/7 now. Even when eating she takes a bite and then quickly covers her mouth. As a result her face is all broken out. She is also doing that clapping thing more and more and doing repetitive baby talk. She can’t seem to control any of this. It has been a steady increase so we have ruled out this as a side effect of the meds she is taking.
Anthony is getting clingy and loves spending our time in the day when both Greg and Lara are gone. He gets to watch his DVD’s, play games, shop and just hang out with me. When the weather allows we will go for walks. I think I am going to miss him when he goes to school next year. I will be all alone then. I have never been alone in the house ever.
Greg says he wants to get closer to me but then he stays away. Last night we watched TV on his laptop in our bedroom. It was last week’s episode of “Doll House” so we had to watch it on the computer. Anyway when it was done he went into the living room and watched old episodes of “Lost”. I didn’t wake up when he came back but I just know it was the usual 5 AM. How can we fix things if he can’t even be in the same room with me? This whole thing with “Lost” is a bunch of bunk. He finds a show that is already in say season five and then starts from day one and has to catch up with his lap top in the living room. He is still on season one of “Lost”. He did this in the fall with “Desperate Housewives”. I told him about this today but he denies he is doing it. Needless to say we have no chance in you know what to ever have a baby. Unless it is spontaneous conception which is theoretically possible, but has never been recorded.
Lara is showing no signs of improvement with her meds and so Greg wants to up the dosage. He is calling the doctor today. She just can’t concentrate anymore and her habits are getting worse. She has her hand on her mouth 24/7 now. Even when eating she takes a bite and then quickly covers her mouth. As a result her face is all broken out. She is also doing that clapping thing more and more and doing repetitive baby talk. She can’t seem to control any of this. It has been a steady increase so we have ruled out this as a side effect of the meds she is taking.
Anthony is getting clingy and loves spending our time in the day when both Greg and Lara are gone. He gets to watch his DVD’s, play games, shop and just hang out with me. When the weather allows we will go for walks. I think I am going to miss him when he goes to school next year. I will be all alone then. I have never been alone in the house ever.
Greg says he wants to get closer to me but then he stays away. Last night we watched TV on his laptop in our bedroom. It was last week’s episode of “Doll House” so we had to watch it on the computer. Anyway when it was done he went into the living room and watched old episodes of “Lost”. I didn’t wake up when he came back but I just know it was the usual 5 AM. How can we fix things if he can’t even be in the same room with me? This whole thing with “Lost” is a bunch of bunk. He finds a show that is already in say season five and then starts from day one and has to catch up with his lap top in the living room. He is still on season one of “Lost”. He did this in the fall with “Desperate Housewives”. I told him about this today but he denies he is doing it. Needless to say we have no chance in you know what to ever have a baby. Unless it is spontaneous conception which is theoretically possible, but has never been recorded.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Life goes on...
I had my MRIs done yesterday at an offshoot of the hospital so no waiting. When I went last week I was told there was a two hour delay due to cases in the ER. Since we had Lara with us we had to reschedule as it was 6:30 PM and she had yet to have her dinner. We brought snacks to keep her until say seven but the two hour delay was just too much. So I had it yesterday and it was long as I had two different areas done as well as contrast. After my IV site bleed out all over my sleeve when they removed the IV. I never had that happen before. I am grateful I was wearing a dark grey sweatshirt and not a white sweater. Anyway I still am feeling tired and depressed and have that constant ache that turns into pain the first thing in the morning. I also just feel week all the time. I am wrapping myself in a prayer shall to get better. I do feel better in it.
Lara is just going down hill by the minute. We are going to start her on drugs which I did not want to do but she is definitely showing not only ADD symptoms but Autism as well. She has repetitive speech and inappropriate facial gestures. She is also doing this clapping thing that I have only seen with the autistics client of the Developmentally Disabled adult organization that I used to work with. She also is doing a repetitive speech patter i.e.: “Mommy, Daddy” again something I have only seen with autistic cliental. So I am positive she is on the spectrum. I just don’t know her exact position and from what the neurologist said we may never know as she thinks she is on the high end so to determine Asperger’s or OCD is a tough call although she did not see the clapping or repetitive speech while we were there and I forgot to mention it. We have a follow up in two weeks and I will tell her then.
Anthony is now imitating Lara, as he wants the attention. He is also saying he does not want to go to school next year and wants to stay home with me. I hope he is better with school than Lara. I just don’t know if I can handle two dramatic separation scenes every day Monday-Friday. So I am dreading school as well. It is also very expensive as it is 3,000 a year for half days. So it is ten months of $300. I just do not know where we are going to get the money. The only way I can think of is for me to get a job at night when Greg is home. I just don’t know where to start looking.
Greg is his usual self and getting on my nerves. Yesterday he worked at home so limited computer for me as he thinks my keyboard is too loud. He uses a lap top for his work and works in the same room as my computer as his phone is there and he needs it to work. Later on he took over my computer to buy my Valentine’s Day gift. I am 99.9% sure it is lingerie from Victoria’s Secret. Not looking forward to getting that as I hate lingerie and I hate Victoria’s Secret. I think they set up there mannequins like sluts around here. I mean one was bent over in such a way it was verging on porn with another standing right behind her! Anyway needless to say I hate that company so I am going to have to really use my acting skills on Saturday! Right now I am also thinking that giving me lingerie is like giving skiing equipment to a nomad in the Sahara!
Still not comfortable with no more babies. I get sad when I think about it.
Lara is just going down hill by the minute. We are going to start her on drugs which I did not want to do but she is definitely showing not only ADD symptoms but Autism as well. She has repetitive speech and inappropriate facial gestures. She is also doing this clapping thing that I have only seen with the autistics client of the Developmentally Disabled adult organization that I used to work with. She also is doing a repetitive speech patter i.e.: “Mommy, Daddy” again something I have only seen with autistic cliental. So I am positive she is on the spectrum. I just don’t know her exact position and from what the neurologist said we may never know as she thinks she is on the high end so to determine Asperger’s or OCD is a tough call although she did not see the clapping or repetitive speech while we were there and I forgot to mention it. We have a follow up in two weeks and I will tell her then.
Anthony is now imitating Lara, as he wants the attention. He is also saying he does not want to go to school next year and wants to stay home with me. I hope he is better with school than Lara. I just don’t know if I can handle two dramatic separation scenes every day Monday-Friday. So I am dreading school as well. It is also very expensive as it is 3,000 a year for half days. So it is ten months of $300. I just do not know where we are going to get the money. The only way I can think of is for me to get a job at night when Greg is home. I just don’t know where to start looking.
Greg is his usual self and getting on my nerves. Yesterday he worked at home so limited computer for me as he thinks my keyboard is too loud. He uses a lap top for his work and works in the same room as my computer as his phone is there and he needs it to work. Later on he took over my computer to buy my Valentine’s Day gift. I am 99.9% sure it is lingerie from Victoria’s Secret. Not looking forward to getting that as I hate lingerie and I hate Victoria’s Secret. I think they set up there mannequins like sluts around here. I mean one was bent over in such a way it was verging on porn with another standing right behind her! Anyway needless to say I hate that company so I am going to have to really use my acting skills on Saturday! Right now I am also thinking that giving me lingerie is like giving skiing equipment to a nomad in the Sahara!
Still not comfortable with no more babies. I get sad when I think about it.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Taking a number...
I was supposed to get two MRIs yesterday. We left Anthony with his Poppy and took Lara with us. I had scheduled one at 5:45 and one at 6:15. We got there at 5:30. Well we waited and waited. By 6:25 I was getting a bit miffed so I asked how much longer it was going to be. They told me “a short time they are a little behind”. When I asked what exactly a “little time” was they called the techs. Turns out they had an estimated hour and a half more for me to wait as they had someone in there and there was another person from the ER that had priority over me. So I told them I would reschedule as I just was not going to wait that long. After all my 6 year old daughter was with us and had not had diner yet. We brought crackers but I didn’t want her to wait until I was done. I would not get in until minimum 8 PM. Then I had a good hour or so of imaging to do so the earliest we would leave would be 9 PM. They should have told me when I checked in that it was so far behind. I just know if I had waited it would have ended up being longer than an hour and a half. Usually around here you can safely double that. I just don’t think the medical world gives a hoot about us sometimes. I feel like we should just take a number, step aside, and die in silence. KWIM?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Not so good...
Things have been negative and so I really don’t like to post about it much. My Pulmonologist eventually called back to just repeat that my lymph nodes were OK. I doubt anyone looked at my lungs. He probably just read the report from the hospital and the hospital probably only looked at my lymph nodes, as that was the problem back in June when I had my first CT scan there. I am in pain pretty much all the time now. A constant dull ache that is sharper in the morning or when it is snowing out. I love the snow because it is so pretty but the pain is not good. I have a couple of MRI’s tonight to look at my optic nerve and the growth to make sure it is gone. Unlike the Pulmonologist the Ophthalmologist wants the actual films so he can see what is wrong. He does not trust the hospital readings as the other one does for a good reason they got it wrong the last time.
We have been going to an adult CCD class a couple of nights a week to try to get closer to God and help our relationship. Greg goes but I am not sure if he is getting anything out of it. They give babysitting while there and the children love playing there so they are having a great time. I just hope it can save the marriage as we are just not doing well and my illness is not helping at all.
Lara continues to have accidents at school. Last Friday she must have changed her pants and not her underwear. She came home with different pants on but the same underwear. Also the pants we sent her in were gone as well as the change of underwear. She told us she couldn’t remember of she changed her pants that day. Now no one can find her clothes anywhere so we are getting a bit miffed at the school for giving us no help.
Anthony is signed up for school next year and I pray we find a way to pay for it. He will be is transitional pre school. This is a set up for children that will be five before December 31, 2009. Kindergarten has a cut off of October 1, 2009 so he misses that by nine days. So for this class he will be one of the older children but not as severe as say pre k 4 that has children turning 4 by October 1, 2009. He will be in school M-F 12:30- 2:45 so if I get a job it can not be while he is in school. It will have to be at night when Greg is at home.
I think My TTC journey is over sad to say. I am not at peace with that but have to face it. Last cycle I had a 22 day cycle! The one before that was 41 days! And the one before that was 23 days! So this cycle will probably be a super long one if I stay on pattern! I am also just cranky all the time as well as tired. Getting out of bed is a challenge that I do not always make. I just can’t deal anymore and have had a couple of drinks which makes Greg mad at me. Also I am having problems with FF and my role here. I feel I do a lot and all I am asking in return is membership. That amounts to anywhere between 10-45 US dollars a year. Apparently this is something they feel my work is not worth. I really feel like I am not asking a lot as it comes to pennies a day for hours of work I do. So I am a bit depressed. With all this snow we have been having Greg has been working at home. With him at home it is hard to go on line ass he nags me that my keyboard is too loud for him. He also wants me to spend more time with Anthony.
We have been going to an adult CCD class a couple of nights a week to try to get closer to God and help our relationship. Greg goes but I am not sure if he is getting anything out of it. They give babysitting while there and the children love playing there so they are having a great time. I just hope it can save the marriage as we are just not doing well and my illness is not helping at all.
Lara continues to have accidents at school. Last Friday she must have changed her pants and not her underwear. She came home with different pants on but the same underwear. Also the pants we sent her in were gone as well as the change of underwear. She told us she couldn’t remember of she changed her pants that day. Now no one can find her clothes anywhere so we are getting a bit miffed at the school for giving us no help.
Anthony is signed up for school next year and I pray we find a way to pay for it. He will be is transitional pre school. This is a set up for children that will be five before December 31, 2009. Kindergarten has a cut off of October 1, 2009 so he misses that by nine days. So for this class he will be one of the older children but not as severe as say pre k 4 that has children turning 4 by October 1, 2009. He will be in school M-F 12:30- 2:45 so if I get a job it can not be while he is in school. It will have to be at night when Greg is at home.
I think My TTC journey is over sad to say. I am not at peace with that but have to face it. Last cycle I had a 22 day cycle! The one before that was 41 days! And the one before that was 23 days! So this cycle will probably be a super long one if I stay on pattern! I am also just cranky all the time as well as tired. Getting out of bed is a challenge that I do not always make. I just can’t deal anymore and have had a couple of drinks which makes Greg mad at me. Also I am having problems with FF and my role here. I feel I do a lot and all I am asking in return is membership. That amounts to anywhere between 10-45 US dollars a year. Apparently this is something they feel my work is not worth. I really feel like I am not asking a lot as it comes to pennies a day for hours of work I do. So I am a bit depressed. With all this snow we have been having Greg has been working at home. With him at home it is hard to go on line ass he nags me that my keyboard is too loud for him. He also wants me to spend more time with Anthony.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Not doing well...
I am not feeling well and get so tired so fast it is pathetic. Greg and the children are getting on my nerves so easily. Greg was on call so only Lara and I went to church today. Greg went yesterday morning with her as his mother was mentioned in prayer. Heck I was even ticked off at church today when they had post cards they asked us to fill out to send to the senate. I just don’t want to mix church and state, period. I got so mad I almost walked out but stopped myself, as Lara had to go to CCD after the service. Anyway I am still in pain as well and like I said very cranky. Seems the more I try to do the more is expected. I keep a stiff upper lip only to be asked what for dinner, or where the clean clothes are, etc. I made a blinkie and it is true Sarcoidosis sucks.
Monday, January 19, 2009
No answers in sight...
Lara has a three day weekend so no school problems yet this week. She is being so bad with the bathroom. She pooped in her pants this morning and just didn’t care. Anthony cared more than she did. Anthony is not doing well with the toilet also so I am thinking it is something I am not doing right. I must suck at toilet training. At this point I wish there was a school we could send them to. Maybe a toilet boot camp?
Greg has lightened up a bit with me as he can see how sick I feel now. He does want me to handle the pre school registration so I have to look that up later on today.
I gave my Pulmonologist a call to see what the results were of the CT. I thought was going to finally addressing my pain with a CT scan of my torso. All I got though was that my lymph nodes showed “slight improvement” what every that means. So he is not addressing me pain in my mid drift. I also got no report on my lungs even though I am coughing all the time and feel pressure there. Also as a singer I can tell when my volume of air is down so I know something is wrong with my lungs. I called the doctor twice last week and he never called back. His nurse called once with the great news of my lymph node. I told her my problem was in my lung and mid drift but she refused to listen saying the lymph node was the same thing. I mean are we all so dumb we thing the lung and lymph node is the same thing because they are both in the chest cavity? Can’t some of us feel the difference between the two? At this point I am just so frustrated and just don’t know what to do. I am tired all the time and to do anything is an effort that is worthy of a 90 year old, not a 45 year old adult. I just want to be in bed and asleep all day long. This past weekend it was OK. We did manage to go out to breakfast on Saturday morning with Greg’s sister and dad. I was feeling really bad but tried to keep a stiff upper lip so to say. Later on we went to a SIL’s birthday party as she turns 50 this Tuesday. It was at their house so it was manageable. They have a beautiful place that they just bought on a lake. Their neighbors came by snowmobiles that they drove on the lake! They place is just gorgeous and I told them I am running away to their place this summer to get away from Greg and the children. I looked for a Sarcoidosis site and found a place I can ask questions. I posted about my pain there and I am happy I found that site. I feel less of a whining, hypersensitive freak. Heck at this point I am getting more medical help from “House” than any doctor around here.
Greg has lightened up a bit with me as he can see how sick I feel now. He does want me to handle the pre school registration so I have to look that up later on today.
I gave my Pulmonologist a call to see what the results were of the CT. I thought was going to finally addressing my pain with a CT scan of my torso. All I got though was that my lymph nodes showed “slight improvement” what every that means. So he is not addressing me pain in my mid drift. I also got no report on my lungs even though I am coughing all the time and feel pressure there. Also as a singer I can tell when my volume of air is down so I know something is wrong with my lungs. I called the doctor twice last week and he never called back. His nurse called once with the great news of my lymph node. I told her my problem was in my lung and mid drift but she refused to listen saying the lymph node was the same thing. I mean are we all so dumb we thing the lung and lymph node is the same thing because they are both in the chest cavity? Can’t some of us feel the difference between the two? At this point I am just so frustrated and just don’t know what to do. I am tired all the time and to do anything is an effort that is worthy of a 90 year old, not a 45 year old adult. I just want to be in bed and asleep all day long. This past weekend it was OK. We did manage to go out to breakfast on Saturday morning with Greg’s sister and dad. I was feeling really bad but tried to keep a stiff upper lip so to say. Later on we went to a SIL’s birthday party as she turns 50 this Tuesday. It was at their house so it was manageable. They have a beautiful place that they just bought on a lake. Their neighbors came by snowmobiles that they drove on the lake! They place is just gorgeous and I told them I am running away to their place this summer to get away from Greg and the children. I looked for a Sarcoidosis site and found a place I can ask questions. I posted about my pain there and I am happy I found that site. I feel less of a whining, hypersensitive freak. Heck at this point I am getting more medical help from “House” than any doctor around here.
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