History-should have put this first I guess

I forgot to add a brief history of my TTC journey. I guess in a way the whole thing started back in 1983 when I was dating a man that was not the perfect match for me. He was physically and mentally abusive and so is not actually a match for anyone. At the time I was twenty and had no prior experience with boyfriends and so let him get away with a lot of things a smarter woman wouldn’t have. I ended up getting pregnant right before I left for college. I had been attending community college but had transferred to a four year university to get a BA. Anyway since I am dyslexic thing were intense at the new school. The work was hard and the hours long. I wasn’t used to processed foods as my mom made everything home made. I was getting sick every night at five because of the food and tension. Or so I thought. My boyfriend was coming over and a friend said she hoped I didn’t get my period while he was there. I lived twelve hours away from the school as did my boyfriends and so this was the first time he had visited. It was November and I had been in school since August. I didn’t remember the last time I had my period so I looked at the feminine hygiene stuff I brought along to see if I had one. Well the box was still sealed so I hadn’t had one in three months. All the school work and busy schedule I had never noticed. I knew then I was pregnant. I decided to tell my boyfriend on the second day of his visit. The first day he had told me he missed me and had proposed marriage and I had accepted. I thought he could handle the news but I was wrong.

I had told him in the student union to avoid a violet reaction. He was mad but got over it. Later on though he beat me up when we were alone in my room. About 24 hours later I awoke to severe abdominal pain and went to the bathroom. There I felt something coming out of me and I caught on a piece of tissue a small baby with the umbilical cord and portions of the placenta attached. It was about two inches or so. I panicked and flushed it. I will never forgive myself for that. I think the baby was about twelve weeks old. When I told him he said it was “for the better” and went back to sleep. I cried the rest of the night. I actually stayed with him after that but it was the beginning of the end. Two months later during winter break I broke from him. He had cheated on me with my best friend. He later married her. I escaped into drugs and alcohol to try to get over all that. I gave up the drugs when I left school, as I had no connections back at home.

I swore off men and did not have another one in my life for years. I got a steady job eventually after collage and volunteered at a local community theatre. I also drank like a fish to try to forget about what had happened, but that didn’t work very well. I was there about eight years when another member and I started going out solo after shows instead of with the group. We became close and started dating officially a year later. I sobered up and stopped drinking for years. After six years of dating we were married I was 38 and my DH was 36. Nine months and seven days later we were blessed with our DD. She was born the day after I turned 39. She was a true honeymoon baby and a miracle. I never thought after my loss that I could ever have a baby or trust a man. I was wrong with both accounts. When our DD was six months old we started to try for our second. We wanted her to have company when we were gone. Six months later I got pregnant. I was busy setting up her 1st birthday. Four days after I turned 40 I started bleeding. I lost that baby at six weeks. I joined online communities for support. Six months later I got another BFP that resulted with my DS. I gave birth to him two months after turning 41. As soon as I got my first period we started for our third as we thought that would be the perfect family for us.

We have been trying since December 2004 so it has been over three years. Along the way I have had two more pregnancies that ended at five and six weeks. The strange thing is even though I lost them so early they hurt just as much as the one I lost at twelve weeks. I have decided to start this blog/journal in hopes that writing things down will make them make sense to me. It is all so confusing at times and I get overwhelmed.