In mid cycle...and trying...to catch that egg!

Lara’s school has been busy. Yesterday was field day in that the children did these games behind the school during the day. I took Anthony and the camera. Lara had a great time, but was not too good at the sports. At least she had a good time. Today we went to the local zoo. I had three children in my group. Lara and two others. It was fun I had taken water in bottles and wrote their initial with a sharpie. I kept them in a cooler. I also had pretzels in little bags to give them. Unfortunately the train that we took a ride it broke down half way through the ride so we had to walk back. The children thought it was a great adventure to do that and so had a great time. They walked on the railroad ties and were laughing. The zoo gave us a choice of a refund, another train ride, or a carousel ride. Lara wanted the train but the other two wanted the carousel so they won. I told Lara we will take the train over the weekend, but that majority has to win out. Later on we rested and Lara remembered I carry lolly pops in the bag I had and so wanted one. The other two then got one. Then when we got on the bus the other children near us saw them and wanted one so they got one. Then back at school the others saw them and wanted one so they got one too. Good thing I thought this might happen and so had stuffed extra lollies in the bag. They are only the tiny “Dum Dum” ones so I don’t think I will get hate mail from the nutritionist's moms and dads. I don’t think I will that is. You never know though.

Anthony was watched by my FIL during the trip. Later on I had a meeting and my parents watched him then. So he saw both grandparents and had a great day! He and Lara played at a near by part with my dad when Lara got back from school. He is still milking his injury from Monday for all it is worth and making his Daddy feel just awful. He is a cleaver boy he is.

Gregory is bout the same. We will try again tonight but he doesn’t know that yet.

I am OK but tired from all the things I did. I started taking extra iron (28 mg) tablets so hopefully I will get more energy. I might have ovulated as my temperature is up and I am broken out something awful. I had the social history for Lara today. Greg and I both went to that to make sure we got it all right. Two heads are better than one. Anyway I was asked about any learning disabilities in my history so I had to tell them about my dyslexia. The social worker said it was important for them to know that. It is hard for me to say that as I was always told to keep it a secret. Some just can’t handle it at all. I lost a job because the boss found out. Illegal yes bit without a witness it is hard to prove. In other times people change. Some treat me like I am a complete idiot and explain things to death after finding out, some avoid me like I have the plague. So I tend to keep it a secret. Looks like we will get the results on the 16th on what they found in her tests. I just am happy we are doing something besides waiting for her to improve on her own. On the TTC front we are still trying to catch that egg so am staying up late for that.

Starting to try again...

I am OK I guess. With all the things going on in this world it makes my problems very small indeed. I am just so tired all the time. I just want to go to bed at dinner time and when I wake up I feel hangover even though I haven’t taken a drop. Funny thing is if I do take a glass of wine I wake up fresher. Weird right?

Lara has thing coming up in school. She has a field day tomorrow what ever that is. We had to buy a shirt for her for it. Friday is a school trip to the local zoo. I will chaperone that. I have never done this before and so am nervous I will mess it up. I am going to bring extra cash (in case a student doesn’t have any) water in bottles (about five I think, and some pretzels in packages. Anything else I should take?

Lara is still being evaluated and we have to give her history on Friday to the social worker. June 16th we have a meeting to see what they found out through these tests. We are also seeing a neurologist soon but Greg has that date. She is getting strange and has been biting Anthony =really hard. To a point he is almost bleeding! Yesterday was good at school. She did all of her work for the first time in a long time so we made a big fuss over it. I gave her a “Thomas the tank” bubble blower that she loves!

Anthony is OK although he is getting to fight with his sister a lot. On Monday he dumped a pail of sand over her head because she did that to him last year and he suddenly remembered that! We put him to bed early that night without desert. That night Lara’s fire truck kept on going off. It played this song and a phrase over and over again every fifteen minutes. It was in the children’s room with Anthony. Greg was in the living room with Lara as they had fallen asleep when reading a book. I had scrubbed her hair of the sand and it was awful. It took several shampoos and she screamed almost the whole time. I was dreaming of a fire house and was screaming at them to shut up already. Poor Anthony was awake all night. He was asking for us but we didn’t hear him so he gave up or thought it was part of his punishment so he just listened to that damn thing all night. In the morning he told me he hated that truck and was wining the stuff it said all night. He also bumped his head in a globe under a fan and cut his nose. Poor boy was having a bad go of it so we gave him a “Thomas The tank” bubble blower too.

Greg is just too much sometimes. Now he is wondering if we can afford another child. He just doesn’t get it if I stop than there is no chance ever of having another child. He just refuses to see us as getting old. He thinks we are young with all the time in the world. Can you say denial? Good I knew you could.

Tonight I usually go to choir but we are having a party instead. Will I go? Yes! Will I pretend like I am going to practice? Yes! I am taking my music to the party!!!! I am evil taking the night off but I am looking forward to it!

New Cycle...

I made an appointment with an OB/GYN this week. It is in June but with a nurse practitioner. Otherwise it would be July. Not sure if I will stay with this one as he works out of a hospital I don’t like, but maybe that will be the thing that gets me pregnant. You know reverse psychology. I just want to know why I am so tired 24/7. I am done with :af: and :spotting: so in a few days it will be cup time.

We have a follow up meeting in June for the results of her tests. I am asking my brother to join us, as he is a PhD in psychology and so will know what the heck they are saying to us. Lara is off for four days and driving me crazy. She fought with her brother all day. Made a huge mess with her toys and then had a double accident in her pants. I gave up and put on a pull up. Anthony is not loving her vacation. Now they are going across the street to visit Poppy and Aunt Debbie so I get mommy time! I am so evil I feel like having some wine, but wont.

Nothing new with Greg. We had our big ash tree worked on today. It looks a lot better and I feel we did the right thing. It set us back $470 but we just couldn’t let it die. Now some bills will be late this month but again worth it.

Not sure what we are doing this Memorial Day Weekend.

The tree...

Nothing new here on the TTC front. AF has left and only her dog spot is left here. So onward to a new cycle! Not too thrilled as we have had so many so far with no baby to show for it. Lara is the same and no reports have come in. Anthony is the same too as is Greg.
Only change around here is outside the house. Our big ash tree that is about seventy years old needs some major pruning to get rid of dead growth. Unfortunately being so big means we can’t do it ourselves and have to hire someone. That is setting us back about $500 but what can we do? We can’t just let it die. It is so beautiful that we just have to save it. So money is again a big issue. Some bills are going to be paid late again. I just hope that I make enough blinkies to help cover some of the costs. Otherwise I think Greg will be out his Father’s Day gift.

Out of the smoke and into the fire....

Lara has an appointment for a neurologist in July. That was the earliest we could get one. I just feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel that I can barely see but just seeing that much is a blessing. KWIM?

Anthony is OK. He had a fight with his sister last night and she bit him! It was a deep purple mark she left behind. She was in a foul mood after school and that was just the final straw. We sent her to bed after that.

Greg and I had a talk today about the pregnancies. I told him it hurt my feeling to not acknowledge our three other babies. I told him I was pregnant but lost them and that they are now angels in heaven. I told him that the pain I feel was no different in any of my losses whether I held the baby or not and that I loved all my children whether on earth or in heaven. So he said he was sorry but I am not sure he gets it 100%. He is dense sometimes. We had this classic conversation a few years back. When Lara was a few months old we were watching TV. We were watching the show “Angel” which was a spin-off of “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”. Anyway this character faith shows up that used to be on the original “Buffy” as another vampire slayer. In Buffy she was very lean and athletic. In Angel which was a few years later she is a bit heavier. So he says, “WOW she looks awful, she is fat, her skin looks bad and her hair is a mess. I bet she had a baby”. I called him a pig ( or maybe cochon which is French for pig) any way so again he is “what ?” is total ignorance of what he just said to his wife after giving birth just a short time before that day! Ugh he didn’t get it at all.

I still have af visiting me. We have a huge ash tree in our back yard that is sick. We are hoping if we take away thee dead growth it will be OK but a tree expert says it will die in two to three years no matter what. We also have a small tree with these strange things growing out of the leaves that I cant figure out what it is bug or fungus or disease. The tree expert is going to find out. He took a sample with him. My blood results came back as normal with just a low but within normal range for iron. Doctor says exercise would probably make me feel better. He is right about that. I wish I could just get a brisk walk very day.

UGH The hag came to visit!!!!

Anthony is doing well. He is growing every day into a fine young man. He has his moments but all in all he is a good boy. He is so big though that a lot of people just expect too much from him as they think he is older.

Lara is having her evaluations now. We also took her to a new doctor. He was recommended by Lara’s godfather who is a certified NICU doctor. The difference was amazing. This doctor really cares and wants to find out what is going on. He recommended several Neurologists to go to. He also wants to talk to Lara's teacher something the old doctor never even mentioned to us. For the first time I feel we will find out what is wrong. I am so worried about her as she is just slipping into her own world. I fear that it could be ADHD or autism the way she is going now.

Greg is OK but he really does act like a baby sometimes. I made up my blinkie about having three children on a particularly bad day for him. He was just into a serve me mood. Also at dinner he actually tried to hide his peas! Ugh! Even the children saw through that and said he had to eat them or no desert.

I am OK. I went to the doctor last Monday and he was supposed to call me with my blood results on Wednesday but to date he has not called. Kind of mad about that. I called a dermatologist and got an appointment in June. I called an OB/GYN and they were booked until June too. They have nurse practitioners there that can see me sooner. Not sure if I want this doctor as he seems busy. I mean if I want to see a doctor all I can see is a nurse instead? Seems strange to me. I am really down about not getting pregnant. I really wanted it this cycle and things looked so good. Had I been pregnant my due date was going to be my MIL’s birthday. I know Greg would have liked that.

I have been pregnant now six times with two children that survived to birth.
So here is the history

1983 – Lost at 12 weeks or so due to domestic violence
2002 – DD born
2003 – Lost at seven weeks of unknown reason.
2004 – DS born
2006 – Lost at five weeks of unknown reason.
2006 – Lost at six weeks of unknown reason.

So we filled out a form at Lara’s new doctor and the question was “number of pregnancies” I said six, Greg said two . I almost lost it right then and there . He said we don't know if they were babies. I said I was not going to dismiss my first as I was almost out of my first trimester and held him/her in my hands! So he said three and I put that down . I feel guilty now for not putting down six . He says we don’t know what we had as we lost them before we could see anything so he doesn’t think they were babies . I am still really upset about that as I think of them as my babies. Sometimes I just don’t get him at all. All I want to do is fill out a new form and put down six.

So Tired!

I made a Shoo Fly Pie. The Shoo Fly Pie went over very well at my brother’s house Saturday night. I was surprised as it is made with molasses and not everyone takes to them like I do. It was almost all gone when we left and my brother kept the rest there, as he loved it! So I will make that again at another get together. I also made scones which went over well. I had a good time. Sunday I went to church solo, as Greg had to work. My parents watched the children so I could go, as I can’t have the two of them in the choir with me. The director would probably allow it but I think it would kill me to have to handle the two of them. I spend most of Sunday at my parents. We ended up going out to dinner that night at a local train restaurant. It was nice. Yesterday was Greg’s birthday. It was cold and rainy so we stayed at home. We were supposed to go to dinner with my parents, his sister and his dad. My parents were not feeling well though and his father had his finger operated on (we found about that one on Friday) and so just the four of us went out. After we came home and had cake with his sister and dad. Greg wanted an ice cream cake this year so I bought him one. Usually I bake one but I guess he is tired of that.

Lara is not doing well at school and when I picked her up her teacher said she went her to the office to do her work. I am not sure why she did that. I think when I pick her up today I will ask. It would seem to me that sending her to the office would cause more distractions not less.

Anthony is well but getting cabin fever. He wants to go out something awful.

Greg was a bit of a pain in the butt. He just gets into the whole world revolving around him things every once in a while. He complained Sunday night at dinner because I got two glasses of wine and they cost 5.50 each. I mean WTF? I never look at what he orders and it was Mother's Day! He was a bad boy. He left all the dishes from Sunday in the sink. I did them all Monday when it was his birthday. He is off again today so not sure how long I cans stay on as he kvetches when I go online.

I finally went to the doctor yesterday. He drew three vials of blood to see why I am so tired all the time. He also gave me a script for a gynecologist since I haven’t been to one since my six week check up after having Anthony back in 2004! I also got a referral to a dermatologist to clear up my skin. I am tired of the acne. I never had this much as a teenager and feel just awful about the way I look now. I don’t want any photos of me as I think I just look ugly. I was happy to be the birthday photographer as I am not in one shot! I am thinking I also might have an infection as I was spotting for a couple of days and am very itchy at times during the day. I am going to call the two referrals to make appointments. I will get the blood work results back on Wednesday.

Thank you!

Just wanted to say thank you to the ones that paid for the blinkies I made for them. I appreciate it a lot.

So tired...

Lara is just taking a dive at school. We get most of her work at night to do that she should have done during the day. Yesterday she came home with Mother’s Day cards that she should have colored at school. So I tell Greg he should do that with her and he is all confused and asks why? Ugh I would have thought he would have understood, but no so I explained to him that I should be the one to help her with a card for me. He sort of got it, but I doubt he will do it. I just wish we could find out what is going on with her. The evaluation was supposed to be yesterday but it was postponed until the 28th of this month.

Anthony is OK. His eating is getting a bit better so maybe it was a molar that was bugging him. He didn’t say anything about one, but it could have been the case. He is still slow but not as slow as before. KWIM? He is starting not to want to watch his Leap Frog DVD’s so I am giving him a break. I don’t want to force him and make it a chore. He has time on his side anyway.

Greg is working this week end, yet again. I swear he works almost every Mother’s Day! Last year he was scheduled as well, but changed it because it was his birthday the day before! I know because he told me so. He really feels no need to celebrate mother’s day since his mom died. Last year he didn’t even want to go to dinner he wanted to come home and make something. OK actually for me to make something. I told him on Mother’s day all I make is reservations! So when we did go out I had a glass of wine! He was a bad boy. So not sure what we will do this year as he is on call until 6 PM. I bet he will want to order a pizza.

I am in the two week wait. I am 6 DPO so in about seven days I will know one way or the other. I am so tired as of late I have to call my doctor when I am done here and try to get an appointment. I also think I have an infection as my temperature was up today and I am itchy. Yesterday there was discharge as well so I think I have an infection. Yesterday I cleaned the house because the evaluation was supposed to take place here at 3:30. Well the woman called up and postponed it because she thought she had strep and was going to her doctor to find out and get meds if she had it. Now the appointment is on the 28th. The thing is Lara won’t be here as it is for 9 AM. So now I am wondering why

In The Two Week Wait!

Finally a chance to type out what is going on!

Anthony is doing well. He loves to go to story time at the library. The biggest problem is today is the last one. We missed most of them, as I didn’t know they were going on. I feel so stupid about that. I did check a few times but never found anything so I gave up. I should have kept looking. His eating is not so good and he takes forever to chew anything. So meals take a long time. He actually takes longer than Lara to eat. He does love to work with his alphabet, numbers and small words so in that he is improving.

Lara’s bladder infections for the moment are gone. The low dosage antibiotics are keeping them away. Hopefully when we stop them they will stay away. Her eating is doing better. She is eating more and at a good pace. Textures still are a problem with her but as long as we give her soft foods she is good with eating. He school work is awful though. She barely gets anything done and so the teacher sends it home with her. We finish up what she didn’t do and any homework she has. It is a lot of work and I am getting tired. At this point I am wondering if I should just pull her from school and wing it at home. I mean we do so much here as it is. To me if I did her work here at least we would free up her nights. KWIM? The evaluator will be here tomorrow at 3:30 to see how she works at home. I have to clean the house before she comes.

Greg is OK. His birthday is Monday. He is turning 43 this year. He is such a pain to shop for though. I know I can’t pick out any clothes for him, as he has to try it all on. Even if he buys multiple of the same shirt in different colors he tries them all on. He has to feel them and see how the shade works with him. Me I grab and go. So all he asked for was a book. Simple right? Except it is out of print an unavailable even at E-Bay! So now he says gift card, but how beat is that? Not to mention that will open the door for him giving me gift cards which I hate to get. I don’t think they are bad if you are giving it to someone you are not close to but a spouse?

I am in the two week wait and so really can’t do anything at this point. I am just happy I don’t have to deal with the cup and getting Greg to fill it. It is such a pain to do as he usually says how tottered he is that night! I am just tired all the time. I wake up feeling I am hung over and just can’t get out of bed. At night all I want to do is go to bed and relax. I went to a PTO meeting at my daughter’s school and I personally think they are all doing drugs. Al they do is kvetch about how they do all the work while most parents do nothing. They also complained about parents not contributing to the class fund. They act like everyone has all this money to dish out. We don’t so I don’t pay. I am making two batches of cup cakes for two different parties that is my contribution. I also buy my own gifts for the teacher and my DD does not eat the pizza they buy for parties. Why do they spend so much money doing these things? Now they are going to have every child make a painting and then frame them. Then they will have an “art show” where you can buy them at $29.99! Ugh another forced donation! We just don’t have that kind of money and they expect this stuff every month or so. Buy this, buy that does it ever stop? I mean do they really need to have pizza parties at school? I never did and didn’t feel cheated for the lack of it.