Some fun...

Friday I had my MRI at the hospital. All went well. It was funny as this time I had this mirror devise that I could see out of the tube with. Well I look over at the techs and they are gabbing away, talking with their hands and having a great time. It was like seeing an episode of “House” where they show them doing MRI’s and just talking away barely paying attention to the patient. After I just went home and hung out. Later on we went to target to get stuff for my mom.

Saturday we went to one of my brother’s for a party for my mom. Her birthday is today. Anyway he has a pool that is not heated. Lara wanted to go in and I tried but it was soooooo cold. I couldn’t do it. She was so sad. I caved and went in. She finds out how cold it is and can’t go in. She can’t get past her mid calf on the ladder. So what does she do? She goes on a raft and has me push her around. She is nice and warm and I am the one in the freezing water. It was funny. I got used to the cold in a few minutes and so it was OK. Later Anthony joined us on the tour of the pool. I had to give them one day of fun this summer.
It was nice to see so many people. I have been so alone all summer I wasn’t used to it. I really have been isolated as most days I just see Greg and the children. Unless I have a test then I see my parents before and after and the techs. Kind of lonely. I wish I lived closer to my family that way I could get more support. I did get a package with a lovely card and chocolates that brightened up my day! They arrived on Saturday I think.
Today is my mom’s birthday. Maybe we will pop by over there. I want to spend time with her.

Greg has been a poop today. He got up first only after I pointed out that I was sick and got up early two days in a row for the children. He gave them breakfast but the decided to fix the faucet instead of getting ready for church! During this time there was nothing but yelling and arguing so much for my sleep in day. When he sleeps late I keep the children quiet. So I got both children ready. After church he plops on the couch! I get the children their play clothes on and their lunch. He just sits there watching TV!!!! Now does he see to it that they eat? Nope too busy watching "Willy Wonka". Ugh I am getting mad!

More tests...

Well I talked to my regular doctor last night. He said that he will continue to give me the Percocet until I see the Pain management doctor. So that is one less thing to worry about. I was worried that my meds would be cut off a week plus before I got to see the pain management and thus making the pain management worthless. After all I need that when I have the pain, right? Anyway today I had the gallium scan at the hospital. It took about an hour to do. It had two big flat square things that rotated around me in a complete 180 degree rotation. I wasn’t loving that test as the plates were very close to my face. They were short staffed today and so at first they left the room, but when I said I prefer someone in the room with me one was always there. I just felt like the thing could crush me.

Tonight we have to take Lara for a CBC at a Quest lab for school. Her doctor’s office is no longer covered by our insurance so we have to go to an independent lab. Hopefully that will go smoothly. Tomorrow I have a MRI of my head. It is hard keeping track of all these tests and appointments. I am just feeling like a human guinea pig. I am just so tired of all this. My family might get together this weekend for my mother’s birthday. I hope we do, as that would be something fun to do for a change.

Anthony is getting restless and destroying things all over the house. I had my little TV in the living room but took it away as he just couldn’t keep his hands off of it and it feel down. I put it back this morning while my parent’s baby sat and so far he has left it alone. The minute he touches it though out it will go. I just wish we could fix out big TV or just get rid of it already.

Needless to say with all this TTCing is just a non issue. I can not get pregnant while taking radio active material inside of me or taking the Percocet. Not sure if I will ever get back to that at this point. Heck I am not even sold that I will be here nine months from now as bad as I am feeling now.

More Tests and School...

Monday I did my best to try to relax but there was the laundry to do. Also the children were just not in a good mood and so were extra bad. At one point during the day Anthony knocked over the TV set in the living room. Or big set is broken for some time now and so we are using my old 13” set. It is very special to me as it was a gift from my mom and dad and so I was upset when it fell and yelled at him. The set works still (guardian angel working extra overtime?) but I feel bad about yelling. I think we all have a bit of cabin fever. Later on my FIL came over and took them to the near by park. We also set up all the test I have to do this week to determine how bad the Sarcoidosis is. I was able to get my parents to baby sits all of the days. One of the tests requires that I get radio active material in me so it is actually a good thing that I am not pregnant. Sad as that is to write.

Tuesday we went to get an Echo cardio gram to see if the Sarcoidosis has spread to my heart. I don’t know the results yet but it was interesting to see my heart on the monitor beating away. I never knew it had fluxations in the valves. I always thought they were just solid flaps but there is a wiggle to them. Live and learn. I also got the radioactive stuff in me. They will do the scan with that on Thursday, as it needs two days in me to spread out. They told me it will be gone in a week, but right now I just feel like a freak with this stuff in me. I just don’t feel right at all. KWIM? Later on we took Lara for her school physical. Her old doctor has not yet forwarded her immunization records! We switched in April! So we are royally messed up as she is away until September 8th. What pediatrician goes on vacation on the last weeks of august until after the first weeks of September? What about her patients and their school physicals? Something is just not right. We now have to wait until September 2nd when the school nurse comes back. She can copy the record we gave her last year and we can bring them to the doctor. Then he can give the shots she need so she can go to school. I have to set up an appointment for September 2nd. It will be tight. On a happy note we bought her some back to school clothing last night. They are really cute. We got a few dresses and some long sleeved shirts. Her current jeans are good for now.

My eye is hurting again and is all blurry. If I am late on the pain meds my back hurts. My regular doctor gave me my last script for Percocet. He wants me to go to a pain management doctor. What ever that is. I tried to set up an appointment yesterday, but they said they had to call me back. They haven’t so far. I am just not feeling good today at all. Tired, achy and blurry vision. I have no tests today but I do tomorrow and Friday. None of which will look at my back which is the pain that launched all these tests. I think I am the only one that finds it strange that the one complaint I had back in may has yet to be addressed. Ugh when will someone address the painful area?????

Sunday...

Today Greg is being extra good as I think he knows he just went too far yesterday. I mean Dee is a close friend and to say she said I act like a 17 year old was just too much. I am sad to say after they left the house I had a glass of wine to relax. Well it did not mix well with the Percocet and I got loopy. Didn’t think that would happen. Anyway I slept most of the night after that. Not exactly mom of the year material. I am no hung over today as I only had the one glass.

I did not get to go to church as Lara had a fit about wearing her shoes. Her daddy and her got into a lock horn about what shoes to wear and then she started having a fit. It was getting late so Greg just took Anthony while Lara and I stayed at home. I really wish they would stop locking horns like that.

I still can’t see clearly out of my right eye, and so can’t drive anywhere. I feel like I am trapped in this house. There isn’t much nearby. Most things are about a mile which I am not sure I can walk in my state of health. I just wish the eye would clear up.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Wednesday I finally saw the Pulmonologist. Well the doctor was OK, but could not tell me why I have the pain in my back or neck which is why this all started back in May I think. I am not sure now. Was it tiredness from April until May when the pain started or was the pain sooner? Anyway he did know why so again I have to have some more tests.

Thursday we finally found out that Lara has been accepted into first grade. We went able to get her school supplies that night as Greg got home late and I want feeling well. I had decided to clean up our room and it took more of me that I realized it would.

Friday I went to the eye doctor again with the children and Greg. There was this incredible nasty woman there that hated the children. She kept on giving them dirty looks when they made any noise. Hello? If you want dead silence than stay at home! Otherwise people make noise. She was just a mean woman and blurted out anything she felt at any given moment. At one point this other woman was in the waiting room and just laughed at her as she was saying how she was going to barf. Later on she said, “I usually love children, but these two I just can't stand. I really hate the little girl”. I just gave her husband a leer. I mean WTF!!!!! You said that out loud in front of the girl’s mother? What moron would do that? I just bit my tongue and prayed that she would loose her voice! Later on we bought the school supplies for Lara. I also had to call the doctor to get more drugs, but now he isn’t sure I should get them. He wants me to do pain management. How can I do that before they find out what exactly I am managing? So my script was for less drugs than usual. I guess I will cal him on Monday to see what is up with that as I only found that out today (Saturday) when I was finally able to get the prescription filled.

Today has been awful. I picked up the script at the doctors and went to CVS to get it filled. At first they weren’t going to do it because the computer said I should still have more pills from my last fill. That is because the doctor that wrote it wrote the wrong dosage. Instead of one every 4 hours he made it 1 every 6 hours. Well I followed the 1 every 4 hours. Eventually I got that straightened out and got the pills but there was less than usually so I still have to call the doctor on Monday to find out why. Then we go to go on a family walk. Well Anthony keeps on kicking me seat so I tell him to stop, he doesn’t. So I tell him to stop or I will cancel the trip. So then Greg instead of backing me up says that we cant cancel the trip as they have done nothing fun all summer and that I am ruining the day just like I ruined the whole summer. So I get mad at him and want to go home. The children cry they want their hot dogs at this place that Greg promised them. We get there and I want to just walk home. Well then Greg won’t buy the hot dogs. So we get into a huge fight and end up making a scene with everyone staring at us! I just want to die and walk off by myself while he finally gets the stupid hot dogs.

I want to walk home, but again Greg says he has to drive me. While he is driving me home he tells me I act like a 17 year old just like someone told him I do. I want to know who but he won't say. Eventually he does tell me after a huge fight and crying. It was a friend that actually was saying that I look like I am 17, not act, it was a compliment not an insult but he twisted it around to make it that way. I get home and just want to be left alone. Again he just doesn’t get it. So eventually he takes the children to the park and I am left at home steaming. I just hate him now and wish I had never been so stupid as to marry him. I am upset about being sick. I am tired of taking meds. Tired of only seeing out of one eye. Tired of him making me feel guilty about not doing anything fun with the children. Tired of all this BS. Why can’t I just be happy?

Seeking help...

I am finally seeing the Pulmonologist today at 5 PM. My mom and dad are coming over to watch the children so we can actually hear what the doctor has to say about the Sarcoidosis and my eye. I got a referral waiting for me at my primary doctor’s office. Greg will have to get it, as I still can’t drive with my eye all blurry. Greg actually suggested that I do go but again I reminded him that I really can’t see out of one eye and that probably isn’t a great idea. Ugh it is amazing how fast he can forget everything. I mean we are talking nanoseconds here. I had just reminded him about my eye and then he wants me to drive?

The children are tearing apart the sofa again. I just don’t know what they have against that sofa. Why take off all the cushions? It is filthy and I just can’t clean it at my state so it is just staying dirty. I have couch cleaner and everything but by the time everyone is ion bed I am out cold in mine. OK that sounded bad. Out cold from my illness and not you know booze or drugs (the fun kind that is) I have lots of the non-fun ones to take.

Last night I did the salt spell on my house. I went to every room with a salt shaker and opened up the window then I said:

Gods of the north, south, east and west, bless this room.
Winds of the north, south, east and west, cleanse this room
Lights of the north, south, east and west, fill this room with healing light.

Earth, Air, Fire, Water - bring peace, harmony and joy to this room
Salt cleanse this room
Air freshen this room
Let water and fire be used only for peace in this room.

The blessings of the Lord and Lady are upon this room. Let no evil pass nor exist here. I ask this in the name of the father, son and Holy Ghost amen.

I hope that gets rid of what ever is here with us. Something creepy is going on. Anthony keeps talking about his friend that he talks with. He says the boy told him to do this or that. He says the boy is in the house with us. I know that little children often get imaginary friends and that they are usually the same sex and age as the child. I know all that but I just in general have had a bad feeling since day one at this house. I have had the feeling something bad happened to a little boy here. I tried to do searches on Google, but came up with nothing. Hopefully the salt spell will work. My house is so messy now that I could not clean up the salt afterward so hopefully now we won’t get ants.

Greg was a piss. At first he said the whole thing creped him out and that I was scaring the children. Well I explained to the children I was doing a cleansing spell to rid the house of anything bad and they were OK with that. I think it helps that Disney has a show that they watch that is a sit com about a family of witches. So no satanic thing was going on in their heads. So I did all the rooms on the main floor (we have a ranch) and said I was done. Well Greg then told me that I should do the basement as well that the windows down there can open. So I guess he did a 180 on the whole creepy spell notion! So I did it down there too. I felt better going to bed. If my health doesn’t improve I will try to get some sage, a feather and something else I was supposed to get that I forget now.

Eye problems...

keep taking the Percocet so the pain in my back and neck are not a problem. My eye is the biggest thing now. My right eye is still dilated because the med I take three times a day keeps it that way. It is supposed to speed up the healing. As a result my right eye is very light sensitive, achy, and blurred vision. I really only see with my left eye now. So now my lazy left eye that usually doesn’t do a thing is doing most the work and is complaining about that. I get tired easily. I have still been doing my blinkies and glitter names but they are harder to do and I am not really sure what they look like as to me they are all blurry. Hopefully they are not blurry to everyone else.

Lara and Anthony have been fighting all day so I had to yell at them. I feel like such a bad mommy to do that but they just won’t stop. Anthony took apart the sofa and living room so I put him in the cooler (AKA his crib) he is too quite there I have to check up on him. Yep too quite he moved the crib to the dresser and was playing with Lara’s stuff. Predictable? yes. I think I am going to plan my get away to Lisbon falls Maine now.
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