The devil has asked to be my friend at Facebook...

It is just a really bad chapter of my life being relived. He was so abusive to me. When I was away at school he came to visit me one weekend that my roommate was gone. Someone said they hoped I wouldn’t get my period and it was at that time I looked at my supplies and realized I had never had one since arriving at school. Sounds stupid I know but the work was so hard I just didn’t think of it. I was getting sick at 5 PM every night. At that point I realized I was pregnant. I was just shy of three months.

When he arrived I told him in the student union thinking it would be OK. That he wouldn’t hit me there, but he did. So I tried to get out and he was following me, yelling and he hit me again. Only this time it was in front of two boys that went to school. I didn’t know them but they did not stand for a boy hitting a girl so they beat Chris up. I managed to break it up but when we got back to my room he accused me of sleeping with the two boys. He just didn’t get small town rules of getting involved when you see a wrong. Anyway he beat me up badly then and there. Most of the hall was away that weekend. The next night I had cramps and went to the bathroom. My beautiful baby came out and I held him/her in my hands. Then (God help me) I flushed my beautiful baby. I was in shock. I should have buried him/her. I hate myself for that and always will. When I told him what happened he said it was for the best and went to sleep. I preyed a bit of placenta stayed so I could bleed out but it just didn’t happen.

I tried drugs and alcohol but that didn’t work. The Wicca community of Lilly dale helped me come to understanding with the soul of my baby. They helped a lot, but I lost a belief in God. It wasn’t until ten years later that I was able to trust a man again, Gregory. Six years we married and I stated my quest to find God. I have found him somewhat but still struggle with this belief daily.

So you see this guy has been gone for twenty six years and I pray he stays gone. I just do not need him in my life. Last I heard he had married my then best friend as they were sleeping together when I was away at school even though we were engaged to be married. He also had a child with her and a girl friend with a child living in the same house. I was told that the girlfriend was posing as a live in nanny, but her child was his as well. This is just like TV drama I know but all true.

What is going on now...

Anthony is starting school today. Fort the first time ever my baby is going to school! It is a half day “Transitional Kindergarten” class. This is more advanced than Pre School but not quite kindergarten. It is for children that miss the cut off date of October 1st. It is for the children that turn five between October 1st and December 31st. I think he will do well as he can write a little and read a bit. He is more advanced than Lara was going to PreK-4. He is all excited about going and keeps on asking when he will go. He also made me buy a beautiful red apple so he can give it to his teacher today. That’s my boy! Now I know the hardest part will be letting him go. This will be hard for me to do and I hope I do not cry.

Lara is OK. She is doing better this year thanks to her one on one aide. It is hard to get used to the notion that there is a person whose entire job is taking care of my daughter and it is not me. KWIM? I am grateful though as now she can keep up with the class and do her work. With her one on one it is harder for her to drift away into Laraland. Her behavior at home is not any better though and she continues to pee and poop in her pants when she is at home. Some days I just feel all I am doing is cleaning pee and poop! I told them that there will be no pets until they stop having accidents and when I say that it seems to have an impact. Then later on I am cleaning up yet again another accident.

Greg is the same. He never changes, ever! I stayed on the couch last night. I feel asleep watching “Floristic Files”. I like to watch all those crime shows on Tru TV. I also like House, Bones, Monk and Psych. Hmmmm is there a pattern? Anyway I do not want a roommate I want a husband. Until he is a husband I stay away.

I have not been feeling well. I had some really bad chest pains. It felt like I was being punched in the chest. I finally went to see the doctor. He gave me an EEG that came back as normal. I then had a CT scan of my chest that showed the lymph nodes were swollen but not too badly according to my doctor. The pain has gone away some so maybe they were more flared up when it was the peek of the pain? At any rate they seemed to have gone down on their own so that is a good thing. I have to take every positive thing I can KWIM? When my chest hurt it took away the mid drift pain. Today when I woke up I had no pain, but then again it was 7:40 and I was too panicked stricken to feel anything. Greg yet again turned off his alarm and went back to sleep! Way to go Hun! I hopped into the shower first as FIL was coming over in twenty minutes and he can see his son in a towel. KWIM?

I know I should be grateful that FIL comes over, but I am not. He played with the children while I was trying to get Lara to eat. I was in the kitchen saying eat Lara, but instead she played with her Poppy. I mean why didn’t he say for her to eat? She had a half a Toaster Struddle! That is the only thing she will eat until dinner time. She does not eat lunch or snack at school. I sometimes thing it would be wiser to send plastic prop foods. That way we don’t have to toss it away when it gets warm. Anyway he also says “oh Geese” over and over again as I try to get her to eat or do anything else in the five nano seconds Greg has left me with. The stress is really just too much. One of us has to go. At this point I really do not know which one Greg will want to go.

I have been spending way too much of my time at Facebook. I have some eleven farms, a YoVille and a Mafia character that I go to everyday! Why am I so addicted to these things! My computer keeps knocking me off the web and these games have so many bugs it is pathetic. They are all beta versions so that in itself should tell a computer person that they are filled with problems, but do I go with logic? No I go and play them and go nuts when they enviably mess up on me. Ugh I should have stayed with my blinkies. They are less stressful and more predictable.

OMG!!!

OMG!!! I went to the outside room to get the recycle can as I had left it out there from when I was trying to catch Houdini. I had left a trap set up just in case she had a friend. Anyway, she had a friend and he is now caught in the garbage can! I think I checked on it last night when I threw bread out in the back yard and the tube was set. So now I guess this is Bess or Harry Houdini? I am fairly certain it is a boy so I guess it is Harry. I am hoping it will not be rainy tonight so we can let him go near where we let Bess go a few days ago. So how many mice can live together?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

I am still not feeling well. I tried to eat French fries last night at a local mall and aid for it later on. I have only a few more day s until the quack is back from his vacation so I should be OK.
Lara starts school next week, Anthony the week after that. Gregory had scheduled their doctor appointments for the first day of school thinking she was starting the next week. Ugh he didn’t look at the school calendar first? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! I am just happy we caught it in time for him to reschedule.
I am so mad at Greg right now it is pathetic! He just tossed away two huge jars of vitamins! Hardly any were taken if any! He was supposed to have taken them and swore to me he was. So he lied the whole time we were TTCing! He did absolutely nothing to try to get a baby except fill those stupid cups and even that took three hours a pop. No wonder it took him so long! The whole time I was taking vitamins and several herbs, getting examinations up my hoo hoo, ultrasounds again up my hoo hoo and for what? He could not even bother to take one stupid pill! Right now I just want him gone! His DH is not “dear husband”
On top of all this I miss Houdini; she was so cute and demanded nothing from me. She didn’t yell at me once. I want more like that here.

Off to Mafia Wars to get snuffed yet again!

AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Lara is driving me crazy!!!! I know that is bad to say but it is true! She is constantly whining about her brother or if it is not Anthony than it is something else. She whines when she sees a TV ad she doesn’t like and screams for me to change the channel. So she has zero tolerance of anything!
Anthony ties not to bother her at first but then gets fed up with it and so just pushes her buttons. I guess he figures she will yell at him anyway so he might as well try to be in charge of the situation!
I am not doing well at all. I have had increased pain in my chest and behind my eye so I think the Sarcoidosis is spreading and growing again. Of coarse my primary doctor is on vacation so I have to ride it out until he gets back next Monday. I just can not see a new doctor and try to update them with eighteen months of background with every “ologist” in NJ. It would take all day long to do! This new pain makes my old pain less, so that is something good.
We had a mouse in our back room that eluded me for days. I had a trap set up with a bathroom tissue roll and a garbage can baited with peanut butter. The mouse ate the peanut butter but didn’t fall in the garbage can so I made the tube a half of a paper towel roll. Again the mouse took the bait but nothing else. So I tried a full paper towel roll. Again no mouse, bait gone. So I counterweighted the end with nickels to make it stick out more off the shelf and it fell in the garbage but it climbed out. A bigger garbage can produced the same result. So I got a huge outside can that is 30 gallons. The mouse was finally caught in that. She was a fairly big brown mouse that was very scared. We kept her until night feeding her crackers and peanut butter and a dish of water but I do not think she ate or drank, as she was so scared. We let her go in a nearby park far from any house. I left her with the paper towel roll. Some straw we had given her for bedding in the can once we nabbed her, and a dab of peanut butter for strength. I said a prayer to Saint Francis that she will be OK. I wish I could have kept her but Greg said that she has too many diseases and fleas to keep as a pet. He mentioned the bubonic plague but I doubt a mouse in New Jersey carries the plague virus. I mean is there an outbreak of the bubonic plague in NJ that I am unaware of?

Yo Gabba Gabba

Last Saturday we went to Rockaway NJ to meet up with Plex from Yo Gabba Gabba. We were first on line as we got up at 7 AM, and were out of the house at 8:30 AM. We got there at 9:30 and registered at 10 AM. Then at 11:30 we started the line and at 1 PM we finally saw Plex. Anthony was in awe and so it was all worth it in the end. Lara wanted nothing to do with it and so visited with her Poppy and Aunt Debbie. We discovered a Gertrude and Hawk chocolate store there and bought a lot of stuff, as we haven’t seen one of those in years around us. I think I have discovered a new mall to go to! Look out thighs here I come!!!!!

Update

Vacation was beat. We really did not do much of anything. We went to an open house that I dreaded but turned out OK. Greg’s cousin that attacked me that one Christmas was there but I avoided her and she avoided me, so no conflict. She just gave me dirty looks which I ignored.
Lara has been bad as of late. She has accidents all the time with pee and poop. I am dreading her going to school and how much I will be called to clean her up. It is not that I mind I just dread the other children teasing her over it.
Anthony is regressing with the potty as well so I will be showing up at his school as well. They both want a pet but I told them not until they are not peeing and pooping in their pants. They agree but then they forget.
Greg has been his usual self. We actually were close one day for a bit of time but not sure how that was. I marked that lone day on my chart. I just feel so lonely and he doesn’t get it. He actually tied to compare work with me on Sunday. I complained because he went and watered the lawn for an hour in the morning when he should have gotten ready for church. As a result we were late. He complained that he couldn’t have an hour a week to do what he wanted that he has to give up everything! Ugh hello? And who gave up their job for the family and lives a life of seclusion? I told him all that and he said he got it, but I know he didn’t.
I managed to drive to NYC on my own. I haven’t driven there in a long time. I had to drive by ground zero and that was hard to do. I had car trouble on the way as the plastic thing under the front end fell down and was dragging. I was in God knows where NJ when that happened. I managed to find my way back home, and started out again an hour plus later. Greg fixed the car with duck tape, bolts and cable ties. This made me late so not much time in New York. I think about an hour. Everything else ran smoothly.
Today I am a wreck. I am having stomach issues that I do not want to get into detail with, but trust me it stinks big time. So I can not do much of anything today.

Busy....

Sorry for the low activity as of late. I have been spending a lot of time on face book. I have about six farms now (gained one this morning), a member of the mob, and a citizen of YoVille. Every morning I tend all of my crops and animals, Do a few “jobs” and some banking, and then I go to work at YoVille widget factory. Sad thing is I really do not know what I am doing so everything is dying in the farms, my mob character is in the hospital, and my YoVille apartment is rather sparse! Ugh you think with all the time I spend there I would be better at it!

I the real world:

Anthony is doing major back steps with the potty. He was totally off of diapers two weeks ago. We would give him a YoGabaGaba when he went a week with no accidents. Well as soon as he got the last one he stopped going on the pot. He pooped and peed in his pants all the time. So Greg and I decided to take the YoGabaGabas away in reverse order. Every time he pooped in his pants he lost the last one he was rewarded with. Well he was so upset when he pooped he wouldn’t tell us. I can not smell very well and so it sat there way too long. So now the poor boy has a really nasty rash on his but! I gave back his toys but he still won’t tell us when he has an accident because now it really hurts when I clean him up. Even with just plain water and a soft cloth. When I have to clean him it is just awful and he screams the whole time. I just cry with him, but I have to do it.

Lara had her last day of camp today so she is all mine for the rest of the summer. Now I have to come up with something to do with them, as they will drive me nuts at home all day. She is having accidents a lot in her pants and so between the two I am always cleaning someone up. With her I also have to clean up the floor! Ugh! She is easily annoyed by Anthony and whines at him all the time. Anthony just say something like “this is problematic”. I think he is going to be a psychiatrist or psychologist someday. Lara had a great birthday and is now seven years old!

Greg is pretty much the same. He wakes up late all the time, but does not watch old shows on his lap top anymore. So that is something. He is off next week and we are staying home. He likes being at home all day for a change. I do not. I want to run away for the week and leave him to tend the children 24/7. You know “for a change”. He was good for my birthday but forgot he was in charge of organizing it. So no balloons, flowers, or birthday plates and napkins. He forgot it all. Strange thing is he wrote a list of things to do and all of that was on the list! I guess he was too busy writing the list to actually do it. That’s my man!

I really wasn’t in the mood to celebrate that day anyway. Little Dylan was put to rest the day before and that just loomed over me. Everything with Dylan brought back the past for me and I just had a hard time dealing with it. Today is raining and so my Sarcoidosis is bothering me something awful. I didn’t want to get up and Greg just doesn’t get it at all. He thinks I am lazy.

Yesterday was a sad day…

Things were just awful as I woke up not feeling well at all. Greg was on call at home and so being a very self centered pain. Any time I could use help he was working, but he managed to look around on juke box for songs, etc he just didn’t have time to do anything with the children. When I woke up I was nauseous and in pain. It is getting worse.
Later on we went to dinner at Friendlies and that was good. The children behaved there so we let them play with the crane machine. They both won the toy they wanted. Last time after two hours of trying we got one that Lara hated. Anyway things were good then.

When I got home though I found out that a little boy that had been fighting the injuries from abuse succumb to his injuries. He passed away at two thirty that day. I am very saddened by this. He was doing so well at his birthday a little over a month ago. I had been praying for him since last August. I know what it is like to loose a child to domestic violence and so feel so bad for his dad. He was the one that was taking care of him, as his mom was one of the abusers. One of I think seven people. He was only two when they called 911, as he was not breathing. He had so many injuries from trauma, burns, and bites. I am so sick from this I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I have been thinking of my baby that I lost so long ago, and what s/he would have been like had they made it to birth. At twelve weeks all I could tell was that it was a baby. Today that baby would be 25. I just hate people sometimes.

I was in such pain this morning as I finally fell asleep at six AM! Lara had a bad dream last night. I had gone to the living room to watch TV and try to sleep. I made sure Greg was all comfy and did not want to keep him awake. Anyway just as I was about to finally drift asleep Lara woke up screaming. She stayed awake the rest of the night as well. It was about two AM then. Every time she would seem to go to sleep something would wake her. At six Anthony came in screaming as I had left him in my bad and Greg couldn’t handle him. No surprise there. Anyway at that time Greg stayed with Lara and I went to be with Anthony. The four of us just can’t fit into a full bed anymore. So I got an hour sleep before Greg woke up late, as he didn’t set an alarm clock. He was screaming for me and Lara to get up. I was in such pain and just wanted to throw up and die. Greg was being his sunshiny self yelling that I was an awful mother for not getting up! As if I was up all night so how bad of a mother can I be? Also Lara did not want to go to rec. today as she was tired. Greg was just being so mean today. I just wish sometimes I had never married him. I had stayed away from men after my first fiancé was so abusive to me so much. I thought Greg was good, but I am not so sure. He does not abuse us and does care about the children. It is just with me that he says mean things and thinks he can order me around like a stupid servant.

Bummer Summer...

Nothing new. I was up nauseous and in pain. I know I am not pregnant because it is 2009 and my name isn't Mary if you know what I mean. Lara has been a horror lately. She screams a lot, refuses to eat and fights with her brother. Anthony has hit back a few times and is getting a bit lippy with me. Greg is just a cold ice burg. The most I ever get from him is a simple peck goodbye in the morning. He does his share with the children and showers them with affection, but with me there is nothing. I just started to take Relacore PM to get rid of my pot belly I got from the Prednisone. Maybe that will make me more attractive?

I just wish could run away sometimes and be by myself. To just relax and not have to do anything. :oops: My dream is to go to Lisbon Falls Maine

Sorry for the no posts...

I have not been feeling well at all. The pain is up and I am as nauseous as ever. To add to the pain Lara has been particularly bad. She screams all the time and is never happy. We tried to take a drive today and had to come back home in less than a half hour as she was constantly screaming at Anthony the whole time. I just couldn’t take it so we went home. Greg is more distant then ever and hates me going online. Anthony is my one saving grace, but he is getting to talk back a bit too much. The summer is a bummer.

Very down...

This has just been one hell of a week. Nothing is going well for me right now. My mid drift is hurting more and more each day, and my nausea in the morning just isn’t going away. I never felt sick when pregnant so why I am getting now I just don’t know. Also the tension has caused my right eye’s lower lid to twitch something awful. I am sure I look like a total psycho with that now. My face is not as bad as it was. At least now it is not bleeding anymore, but it is still red. My hair has gone grey, as we just don’t have the money to dye it. Greg set up an appointment for me on Sunday, but I am not sure how we will pay for it. Not sure if it would help me anyway as I am still so fat. My mood is probably low also due to the weather. It is cold and rainy here in “the Garden State” good for the vegetation but not for the people. I am also upset about some graphics that I recently did. I did a group project and it just turned so nasty I really do not think I am ever going to do another group project. I mean it is not like I am getting paid for doing it and they acted like I was a servant to them. I wouldn’t take that from a boss let alone a volunteer thing. KWIM? They accused me of all kinds of nasty things that is just not me. At any rate it has left me with a sour feeling and so I just wont do it anymore.

Lara has been awful this week. Screaming all the time at all of us. She hates what ever we do. If we stay at home she complains, if we try to go out she complains too. Last night Greg wanted to go shopping but Lara wanted to do an art project. Greg let her do the art first. Well we finally got out at 8 PM! We rushed to get what he needed and some food before the stores and food closed. Well then she screamed, as she didn’t get to see the puppies in the pet store! She screamed as we left something awful. I am surprised DYFuS wasn’t called. Eating is an issue and she is loosing weight again. She can fit into size three pants but has the inseam of size seven! She also does not eat at school at all. We send her with lunch and a snack and all of it comes home intact. Next year the school is going to have an aid to stay with her all day at school to help her. I am praying this will show some improvement with her. Otherwise I fear she will have to go to a school for “special children”. I went through that and so know how not so special, special can be.

Anthony continues to be my saving grace here. He is now off the diapers in the day and only wears pull ups at night. Most mornings he is dry so I am thinking of ditching the pull ups at night. Lara on the other hand has a full pull up every morning. He is also now looking forward to going to school. I am keeping things a bit dull now so he can see how school would be something he would get to do that is different. He is so smart and so I think he is going to do great in school.

Greg has been better as of late and not as demanding as he can be. He does revert sometimes but he is trying and that is all I can ask.

Nothing exciting planned this weekend. The church down the road is having a fair in their parking lot on Sunday so we might pop by there for a few minutes but that is all. I just wish the rain would stop.

Not doing well...

We did have some fun at two Greek fairs. One last Saturday when Greg got off of work and one this post weekend. The one this past weekend had inflatable that the children loved. Anthony was a horror at church on Sunday. So he has no computer this week.

I am just not feeling well at all. I am not sure what is wrong with me. Whether it is the Sarcoidosis or something else. I wake up every morning now nauseous and in pain. I am tired all the time and even doing graphics is a struggle. I just finished a group blinkie that took a lot out of me. It had a lot of controversy to boot so it was in the end mostly bad. A few appreciate it and said so which was nice, but so many hate it because of the name, I am thinking of not doing another group blinkie as I probably would get this again. You just can’t get a group happy with one blinkie. There will always be a few that hate it and tell you so over and over again. I think one posts would have been plenty. KWIM?
Anyway my face is broken out something awful and money is tight so my hair is grey. My mother told me yesterday I need a makeover. I am also overweight so I need to get out and walk. I just can’t motivate myself to move at all. I am a mess.

Ugh...

Lara is just not doing well at all. She has fits throughout the day and wets her pants a lot. This weekend she went through everything she has in long and short pants so today she wore Capri’s. Her solution is to buy more pants. She threw a fit today when she had to put on the Capri’s and would not go to her class room when we got to school. A teacher and the office manager had to help to get her to go in. All, of this because there is a bow at the top of the pants. You can’t even see it with her shirt on but she doesn’t care. She knows it is there. When she isn’t having a fit she goes into her own little world.

Anthony is still doing well but we had a scare with him this weekend. He didn’t get his way and threw a fit worthy of Lara. I fear that he is going to get to be like her. Lara was fairly OK until about four and a half. Then the bizarre habits and such started. Anthony is now that age and so I fear he is changing too. I just don’t know if I can handle two children having fits or staring off into space. I am horrible to write that but I just don’t know if I can manage that.

Greg was working this past weekend and so was a total pain to deal with he needs silence, as he has to talk on the phone with customers. The children just can’t do that so he is always bugging me to go out with them. Not that he would take the two alone, but I can. Double standards are just a b***h KWIM? We managed to go to a Greek festival after he got off work on Sunday. He took a long time to get ready though so we barely made it. By the time we were done eating everything was closing. The rides were running but they stopped selling tickets. Lara wanted to go on a swing ride that needed there tickets. I found two but no more. The operator refused to cut slack so she didn’t get to go on the swing. She left screaming and crying. Earlier someone gave Anthony a Spiderman inflatable so he was happy with that. We had told him that if we only found three tickets that Lara would go and he was OK with that.

I am just tired all the time. Lara’s behavior is unsettling and I just don’t know what to do fir her. I just don’t know how to help her. It gets to be too much sometimes and I feel I am loosing it so I take breaks. My health is not good so that certainly doesn’t help as I am in pain or nauseas or both. This cycle I spotted for a long time so I do not know what that is about. My face is also awful and I am very big. I just am not doing well at all. Heck even with my blinkies I am getting problems so I am wondering if I should continue or just drop that. I mean I get enough grief at home why sign on and get it in cyber world?

Update...

The weekend was not all that great. We really didn’t do anything that was fun. Except Monday when we saw the parade. I am not into parades so nothing there for me but Lara enjoyed it. Anthony was mad because he was looking forward to getting candy as they toss it out during parades here. This year though they didn’t throw it out on our side only the other side of the road and so Anthony was angry. I went to a nearby CVS after and bought him a bag of candy and so he felt slightly better.

Lara was in a funk the whole weekend and no matter what we did she hated it and screamed a lot. We missed church on Sunday, as it was just so tense that no one got ready in time for the noon service.

Greg was off Monday and took off Tuesday to do yard work, but it rained so he stayed in the house all day so no computer time for me.

Lara has been bad this week. Very disagreeable and screaming. Anthony is doing better with his potty and stays in underwear all day. He had a couple of accidents that were not his fault as he got diarrhea. Greg has been into his lawn care again and is all he thinks of night and day. As we drive he points out green lawns, lawns that are great, lawns that are bad and what they need to do, etc. I just don’t want to hear it anymore. I honestly think I should color myself green. Maybe then he would pay attention to me for a change.

This week has been cooler and damp. Today it is raining so I woke up in a lot of pain and nauseous. I hate waking up on days like this, as everything feels bad. It is so hard to get up and Greg just doesn’t understand at all. I can’t talk to him about it, as he doesn’t want to hear it anymore. Times like this I wish I could just walk away and never come back.

Tired with a cold...

I have a cold and am run down from it. I am just so tired. Lara is a bit better with her accidents. I haven’t been called to school for over a week to change her. I just hope I haven’t Jones myself by writing that and I get a call today. Anthony is doing better now with the pot. We resorted to bribery we said if he poops in the toilet he gets a sundae. Well he has earned two so far. When he is at home I keep him in underwear. Then when we go out I put a pull up over the underwear. That way if he does wet his pants he feels it, but doesn’t get his pants wet or his car seat. Greg and I are about the same.

Last night I got away fort awhile. They had a taping of the current show at our theater and I got to go solo. So I got some time away from the family. It was nice to do that. I have a cast party this Saturday that I could go to. I am just so fat and my face is broken out I don’t know if I should go. People dress up for these parties and I just feel so stupid even trying to do that. Kind of a silk purse from a sow’s ear kind of thing. Anyway I have to give that some thought. Greg would be home with the children so it would be time alone for me, but I will look so bad.

I have been doing blinkies over at the signature page. Mostly it is good, but some are a bit nervy. I think I am going to slow down a bit with them.

Did I really HAVE to get married? Couldn't we have lived in sin?...

I am fuming at Gregory and have been since last night. OK so Thursday night I get to watch “Bones” and have a glass of wine. It is my “Mommy alone time”. That means I want to be alone. Is that too much to ask? I used to get to go to choir practice one a week from 7-10 PM. The practice was 40 minutes away and so took time to get there and back. Anyway now all I get is one lousy hour a week. One hour to pretend I actually matter. So last night Lara says only I can get her ready for bed as we both have “female parts” and that “daddy has boy parts”. OK fine, so she takes extra long to eat her dinner. Again fine with me. She finishes finally at 7:30. I was lying down during dinner and Greg was feeding them. Only he doesn’t help her so I have to get up to do that and finish at 7:30. So I give her dessert and she is done by 7:45. I then get her brushed and changed and am done at 7:55. I have five minutes to pour the wine (non-alcohol, as I am sick) and our some gold fish crackers and tune in channel five. Well Lara throws a fit and wants to be with me. I say after the show we can snuggle but I want an hour of “Mommy Time”. Greg picks her up and takes her out of the kitchen. I think to the living room. Well no he takes her to our bedroom to watch “Bones” with me. She will not leave and is screaming. So I let her stay. Then Greg wants to stay too. Mean while Anthony is all alone in the living room and usually if he stay like that eventually he screams he is all alone and then he ends up in the room as well. So then all four of us are in our tiny “Full size” bed (not Queen or King, but full!) to watch the show in what should be my alone time!

So I gave up and went into the living room. Lara screamed until Greg let her come in too. So Greg watched “Bones” all by himself in my “Mommy Time” and fell asleep. He actually doe not like the show as he thinks it is too graphic so why he wanted to watch it I just don’t know. I ended up watching the national geographic channel’s show on the planets. It was very good actually and today Lara was talking to her dada about the volcanoes on Oberon a moon of Uranus, and how it spews water that turns into ice and falls back to the surface. So Lara got a lot out of the show. When the children fell asleep I took them to their beds and slept on the couch. I didn’t feel like going anywhere near Greg at all. He is just so selfish! Why can’t I get mommy time? Heck I can’t even take a pee alone let alone have any time. I always have the children or him. I yelled at him I wanted to be alone and he argued that it was wrong for me to want that. That I have children and should be with them.

This is all from his mom. From the day she had children she did nothing for herself. It was always about the children and her husband. Anything she did for herself she gave up. She just spent her day cleaning, cooking and fussing over them. Never having any alone time. I just can’t do that. I need time to myself.

Later on Anthony had a bad dream and was crying for me and so I pout him in our bed and stayed the rest of the night there. I didn’t want to but the couch is too small for the two of us and I fear he could fall on the floor. It is hardwood over cement so it would hurt a lot to fall on it.

Sorry for the kvetch I just need to get it out. KWIM?

That crazy little thing called "life"...

Things have been busy around here. Lara has been very moody and her behavior seems to be getting worse. She screams a lot and fights with her brother all the time. There just doesn’t seem to be peace when she is around. I am sad to type that but it is true. On Mother’s day she fought with her brother the whole day. Nothing was OK with her. Even with something as small as what is on TV if she doesn’t like the show she screams something awful. To listen to it you would think she was being tortured. She scream like that out in public and I am worried that someone will call DYFUS on us one day as she sounds like someone is beating her. Mean while all that is the problem is that we bought something she doesn’t like. It doesn’t even have to be something for her. If I buy something for myself and she doesn’t like it she screams. I just don’t understand this at all. We have never caved to her whims and so why does she think all should go her way?

Anthony is growing by the minute and is very big for his age group. More and more people ask if Lara and Anthony are twins. To look at them they really do look the same age. He is in fact heavier than she is now but a lot of weight. It is hard to pick him up now and no problem with her. He gets jealous when Greg puts her on his shoulders, but he is a bit heavy for that. We can now with some effort but not for long will that go on. He is not looking forward to going to school and says so when ever it is brought up. He can do some simple writing all in capitals. He can spell out three letter words. He also makes blue prints when he wants to build something. He made a rocket out of paper but first he drew all the parts on a sheet of paper and had arrows pointing to where everything was attached to the mail part. I thought that was great.

Greg is the same as always. He just can’t seem to do much with the work around here anymore. All he wants to do is take care of the lawn. He spent all of Saturday fussing with his lawn. It was his first day off in a while and it was a lovely day, but we did nothing as a family as he was fussing with the stupid lawn. Then he expects me to tell him what a wonderful job he did and how happy I am? I don’t think so! He also does not get up in the morning when the alarm goes off so everyone is late as he is the first up. He has to be the first up as he takes over and hour to get ready. I take fifteen minutes. So if I got up first I would have to get up at 5:45 so I am ready by 6 so he can take the hour plus to get ready? That would not make sense to me so he gets up first, only he slugs a bed. Also if I go to bed because I am ill he does too so no matter what I have to get the children ready for bed or it just doesn’t happen. He also stays away from going to bed with me. He is caught up with “Lost” now but still avoids me. I am so jealous of the women who post about how their husbands can’t keep their hands off of them, and how tired they are. I mean I get nothing. I have gotten nothing for years now. I do not have a husband I have a room mate that picks up the bills. It sucks.

I keep thinking about the first trial that was ever put on in the continental US. It was at Plymouth Rock. A married woman and a single man had been caught cheating. They were put on trial. At the end the single man was whipped for tempting the married woman. The married woman was whipped for cheating on her husband. The husband was whipped for performing his husbandly duty so badly that his wife had the desire to look for comfort in other men. So even the Puritans recognized sex as an important part of a marital relationship. So why cant my modern husband see it. Heck even Freud said the tree things we needed to survive is food, shelter and sex. In that order or we would die. So if Freud is right I am dead.

I am not feeling very well at all which is why this update is so late. It has been rainy off and on around here so my Sarcoidosis is acting up something awful. I am also depressed from al this weather. It is cold and rainy again today. I also have a cold so even on the sunny days I can not go out.

On Mother’s Day the day started off nicely. I had some nice gifts given such as “House” season’s 3 & 4, and a pair of silver earrings. Lara gave me a toy shovel set, a toy water can, some bath boats and a sprinkler to play in. Her heart was in the right place, as she loves all of them! Then we went to church where the children were awful. They went under the pews, laid on the pews and in general were very loud. Of coarse that day they were begging for donations to sponsor children in poor countries so the service was extra long. After we went to the florist to get flowers for Greg’s mom’s grave. Then we went up there to visit her. The children fought the entire trip there and back. We were going to go to a diner but the wait was long and we were rushing to my parents. A brother had called that week to say we were all meeting at 1 PM so we could have an early dinner. He wanted that as his family gets up so early on a weekday and they are an hour from my mom’s house. Anyway we didn’t eat out so we went home and bought some bagels. Again the children were fighting. It was so bad I just lost my appetite, so I didn’t eat. Lara screamed all the time at home. She didn’t like the bagel, the TV show, etc. By the time everything settled down and we got to my mom’s it was 3 PM. No one was there! I was two hours late and the first arrival. I called the brother who set it up and his wife told me that 1 PM was just too early and that they would come when they could make it! I mean what the heck! I rushed to make the time and they took their sweet time. Never again will I fall for that. Next time we will just do as we please and then let them wait.

This past Tuesday was Greg’s’ birthday. He worked from home, but spent most of the time in the backyard working on his lawn. He set up reservations for 5 PM and was barely done in time. I had to get the children ready. I gave him some DVD’s (Lost season 1 and an X Man one), some grapefruit candy, a CD of Diana Cral, and a hair dryer. After dinner we had a cake I made for him. His dad gave him a check and his sister gave him a DVD of “Pink”. He has to play that at work, as I can’t stand her. The whole “nah, nah, na nah nah” song makes me sick.

Now today it is rainy and cold and I feel awful. I just want to go to sleep but I have to take care of Anthony and then get Lara later on. Hopefully I can catch a nap today.

Not doing great...

Lara had a bad week last week as far as having accidents at school. She had three BM’s and one wet pants. We just o not know what to do. We took her to the doctors on Friday and he suggested we give her a mild laxative to see if she could control herself that way. That maybe she was having pain when going and so was putting it off. Apparently some children do this. At any rate the other children are asking us why she keeps on pooping in her pants. So the problem is a social one as well. She is also more spacey than usual. It is hard to get her attention and keep it. She also mutters to herself. All in all I am just worried about her.

Anthony is the polar opposite of his sister. He is developing right on track although he says he does not want to go to school next year. I think he will be just fine one he gets there. I think he has a great vocabulary but maybe it is just me. The other day we were putting on the news. Both the children wanted to watch Spongebob instead. So I told them we would watch the news first and then Spongebob as there were a few times the show would be played in a row. Lara screamed, but Anthony said, “Lara we are compromising so every one is happy”. I thought it was great that at four he knows the word and how to use it correctly. He is also writing small words with his Magna Doodle and when we give him paper and crayons. So I think he will be fine in school.

Greg has been more standoffish than usual and at this point I find it hard to even care about that. He was upset on Friday because I forgot the school was having a plant sale for mother’s day. We got a notice home that he saw but he forgot and I was supposed to remember. I think he should remember that kind of things. First of all isn’t the holiday for me? So why should I shop for myself? Second, and a biggy is even though I am female I actually do not like plants. I do not like gardening or anything to do with plants so why would I buy myself a gift I do not like? I ended up giving him cash at the school so Lara could buy me a plant. She was so proud and cute when she gave it.

My Sarcoidosis is acting up and causing pain as usual, but with the recent colder weather and rain it is more than usual. I think anytime the weather has precipitation it gets worse. When it snowed this past winter it hurt more, and now in the rain it hurts more too. I am just tired of being sick all the time. I am getting really down and it is hard for me to do much of anything. I just can’t seem to care. The house is a mess and I just don’t have the energy or desire to clean it.

We lost the baby birds this weekend as well so I am really sad about that. Greg went to look in on them Sunday morning and the nest was empty. Then he saw them all on the ground. They had died there sometime between when we had seen them the night before and the morning. There were three of them scattered around. They were so small and cute. I cried when I found them. The children were very sad as well. Greg had seen a third bird fighting with two birds earlier that day so we are not sure if a bird was involved. I do know that I found the collar of a cat that lives two doors down right by a baby bird so I am thinking it was the cat. We are not 100% sure though. I have to return the color as it has the cats ID tag and proof of rabies shots. I put the babies in a jewelry box and buried them in the back. I just couldn’t leave them there. Anthony was sad but is over it now. Lara is having a hard time and was saying she was scared to be alone last night. She was afraid the cat would come after her. We tried to tell her she is bigger than the cat, but she wouldn’t listen. I hope she gets over it today at school.

Today is a cold, rainy, miserable day here. I have to do the laundry and go grocery shopping later on.

I am a failure as a mother...

I just have no idea on what to do about Lara. She had a BM last Monday morning in school, and again yesterday at about the same time. So I went in both times to clean her up. The first time I took her home as I thought she might have done it to get out of school. Yesterday I kept her in school in hopes that it would stop her incontinence. Well at about 2 PM I got called him as she had wet her pants. I had used her change of clothing in the morning so she had nothing left. Then I left her again and picked her up at 3:10. So I drove to the school and back home four times yesterday. Now today at about the same time this morning I got a call from the school that she had a BM in her pants! This time I left another change in case she pees at 2 PM again.

I just don’t know what to do about this. She has not done this up to now with the BM so I am thinking it is not physical. Gregory went on the web and found some kind of muscle disorder that affects 1% of children and thinks that might be it. I do not however as that is present from birth and this has only been happening within a month of today. Before this she has wet her pants, but not BM. I am praying it is not MD or anything else that is life threatening. Wouldn’t MD show up with her major muscles as well though?

I am just at a standstill here. To make it worse my Sarcoidosis is causing my mid drift to be in more pain than usual and I am exhausted all the time. At night it is hard to sleep with the heat. When the phone rings I fear it is the school. So I am letting the machine get it first.