It is just a really bad chapter of my life being relived. He was so abusive to me. When I was away at school he came to visit me one weekend that my roommate was gone. Someone said they hoped I wouldn’t get my period and it was at that time I looked at my supplies and realized I had never had one since arriving at school. Sounds stupid I know but the work was so hard I just didn’t think of it. I was getting sick at 5 PM every night. At that point I realized I was pregnant. I was just shy of three months.
When he arrived I told him in the student union thinking it would be OK. That he wouldn’t hit me there, but he did. So I tried to get out and he was following me, yelling and he hit me again. Only this time it was in front of two boys that went to school. I didn’t know them but they did not stand for a boy hitting a girl so they beat Chris up. I managed to break it up but when we got back to my room he accused me of sleeping with the two boys. He just didn’t get small town rules of getting involved when you see a wrong. Anyway he beat me up badly then and there. Most of the hall was away that weekend. The next night I had cramps and went to the bathroom. My beautiful baby came out and I held him/her in my hands. Then (God help me) I flushed my beautiful baby. I was in shock. I should have buried him/her. I hate myself for that and always will. When I told him what happened he said it was for the best and went to sleep. I preyed a bit of placenta stayed so I could bleed out but it just didn’t happen.
I tried drugs and alcohol but that didn’t work. The Wicca community of Lilly dale helped me come to understanding with the soul of my baby. They helped a lot, but I lost a belief in God. It wasn’t until ten years later that I was able to trust a man again, Gregory. Six years we married and I stated my quest to find God. I have found him somewhat but still struggle with this belief daily.
So you see this guy has been gone for twenty six years and I pray he stays gone. I just do not need him in my life. Last I heard he had married my then best friend as they were sleeping together when I was away at school even though we were engaged to be married. He also had a child with her and a girl friend with a child living in the same house. I was told that the girlfriend was posing as a live in nanny, but her child was his as well. This is just like TV drama I know but all true.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
What is going on now...
Anthony is starting school today. Fort the first time ever my baby is going to school! It is a half day “Transitional Kindergarten” class. This is more advanced than Pre School but not quite kindergarten. It is for children that miss the cut off date of October 1st. It is for the children that turn five between October 1st and December 31st. I think he will do well as he can write a little and read a bit. He is more advanced than Lara was going to PreK-4. He is all excited about going and keeps on asking when he will go. He also made me buy a beautiful red apple so he can give it to his teacher today. That’s my boy! Now I know the hardest part will be letting him go. This will be hard for me to do and I hope I do not cry.
Lara is OK. She is doing better this year thanks to her one on one aide. It is hard to get used to the notion that there is a person whose entire job is taking care of my daughter and it is not me. KWIM? I am grateful though as now she can keep up with the class and do her work. With her one on one it is harder for her to drift away into Laraland. Her behavior at home is not any better though and she continues to pee and poop in her pants when she is at home. Some days I just feel all I am doing is cleaning pee and poop! I told them that there will be no pets until they stop having accidents and when I say that it seems to have an impact. Then later on I am cleaning up yet again another accident.
Greg is the same. He never changes, ever! I stayed on the couch last night. I feel asleep watching “Floristic Files”. I like to watch all those crime shows on Tru TV. I also like House, Bones, Monk and Psych. Hmmmm is there a pattern? Anyway I do not want a roommate I want a husband. Until he is a husband I stay away.
I have not been feeling well. I had some really bad chest pains. It felt like I was being punched in the chest. I finally went to see the doctor. He gave me an EEG that came back as normal. I then had a CT scan of my chest that showed the lymph nodes were swollen but not too badly according to my doctor. The pain has gone away some so maybe they were more flared up when it was the peek of the pain? At any rate they seemed to have gone down on their own so that is a good thing. I have to take every positive thing I can KWIM? When my chest hurt it took away the mid drift pain. Today when I woke up I had no pain, but then again it was 7:40 and I was too panicked stricken to feel anything. Greg yet again turned off his alarm and went back to sleep! Way to go Hun! I hopped into the shower first as FIL was coming over in twenty minutes and he can see his son in a towel. KWIM?
I know I should be grateful that FIL comes over, but I am not. He played with the children while I was trying to get Lara to eat. I was in the kitchen saying eat Lara, but instead she played with her Poppy. I mean why didn’t he say for her to eat? She had a half a Toaster Struddle! That is the only thing she will eat until dinner time. She does not eat lunch or snack at school. I sometimes thing it would be wiser to send plastic prop foods. That way we don’t have to toss it away when it gets warm. Anyway he also says “oh Geese” over and over again as I try to get her to eat or do anything else in the five nano seconds Greg has left me with. The stress is really just too much. One of us has to go. At this point I really do not know which one Greg will want to go.
I have been spending way too much of my time at Facebook. I have some eleven farms, a YoVille and a Mafia character that I go to everyday! Why am I so addicted to these things! My computer keeps knocking me off the web and these games have so many bugs it is pathetic. They are all beta versions so that in itself should tell a computer person that they are filled with problems, but do I go with logic? No I go and play them and go nuts when they enviably mess up on me. Ugh I should have stayed with my blinkies. They are less stressful and more predictable.
Lara is OK. She is doing better this year thanks to her one on one aide. It is hard to get used to the notion that there is a person whose entire job is taking care of my daughter and it is not me. KWIM? I am grateful though as now she can keep up with the class and do her work. With her one on one it is harder for her to drift away into Laraland. Her behavior at home is not any better though and she continues to pee and poop in her pants when she is at home. Some days I just feel all I am doing is cleaning pee and poop! I told them that there will be no pets until they stop having accidents and when I say that it seems to have an impact. Then later on I am cleaning up yet again another accident.
Greg is the same. He never changes, ever! I stayed on the couch last night. I feel asleep watching “Floristic Files”. I like to watch all those crime shows on Tru TV. I also like House, Bones, Monk and Psych. Hmmmm is there a pattern? Anyway I do not want a roommate I want a husband. Until he is a husband I stay away.
I have not been feeling well. I had some really bad chest pains. It felt like I was being punched in the chest. I finally went to see the doctor. He gave me an EEG that came back as normal. I then had a CT scan of my chest that showed the lymph nodes were swollen but not too badly according to my doctor. The pain has gone away some so maybe they were more flared up when it was the peek of the pain? At any rate they seemed to have gone down on their own so that is a good thing. I have to take every positive thing I can KWIM? When my chest hurt it took away the mid drift pain. Today when I woke up I had no pain, but then again it was 7:40 and I was too panicked stricken to feel anything. Greg yet again turned off his alarm and went back to sleep! Way to go Hun! I hopped into the shower first as FIL was coming over in twenty minutes and he can see his son in a towel. KWIM?
I know I should be grateful that FIL comes over, but I am not. He played with the children while I was trying to get Lara to eat. I was in the kitchen saying eat Lara, but instead she played with her Poppy. I mean why didn’t he say for her to eat? She had a half a Toaster Struddle! That is the only thing she will eat until dinner time. She does not eat lunch or snack at school. I sometimes thing it would be wiser to send plastic prop foods. That way we don’t have to toss it away when it gets warm. Anyway he also says “oh Geese” over and over again as I try to get her to eat or do anything else in the five nano seconds Greg has left me with. The stress is really just too much. One of us has to go. At this point I really do not know which one Greg will want to go.
I have been spending way too much of my time at Facebook. I have some eleven farms, a YoVille and a Mafia character that I go to everyday! Why am I so addicted to these things! My computer keeps knocking me off the web and these games have so many bugs it is pathetic. They are all beta versions so that in itself should tell a computer person that they are filled with problems, but do I go with logic? No I go and play them and go nuts when they enviably mess up on me. Ugh I should have stayed with my blinkies. They are less stressful and more predictable.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
OMG!!!
OMG!!! I went to the outside room to get the recycle can as I had left it out there from when I was trying to catch Houdini. I had left a trap set up just in case she had a friend. Anyway, she had a friend and he is now caught in the garbage can! I think I checked on it last night when I threw bread out in the back yard and the tube was set. So now I guess this is Bess or Harry Houdini? I am fairly certain it is a boy so I guess it is Harry. I am hoping it will not be rainy tonight so we can let him go near where we let Bess go a few days ago. So how many mice can live together?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
I am still not feeling well. I tried to eat French fries last night at a local mall and aid for it later on. I have only a few more day s until the quack is back from his vacation so I should be OK.
Lara starts school next week, Anthony the week after that. Gregory had scheduled their doctor appointments for the first day of school thinking she was starting the next week. Ugh he didn’t look at the school calendar first? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! I am just happy we caught it in time for him to reschedule.
I am so mad at Greg right now it is pathetic! He just tossed away two huge jars of vitamins! Hardly any were taken if any! He was supposed to have taken them and swore to me he was. So he lied the whole time we were TTCing! He did absolutely nothing to try to get a baby except fill those stupid cups and even that took three hours a pop. No wonder it took him so long! The whole time I was taking vitamins and several herbs, getting examinations up my hoo hoo, ultrasounds again up my hoo hoo and for what? He could not even bother to take one stupid pill! Right now I just want him gone! His DH is not “dear husband”
On top of all this I miss Houdini; she was so cute and demanded nothing from me. She didn’t yell at me once. I want more like that here.
Off to Mafia Wars to get snuffed yet again!
Lara starts school next week, Anthony the week after that. Gregory had scheduled their doctor appointments for the first day of school thinking she was starting the next week. Ugh he didn’t look at the school calendar first? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! I am just happy we caught it in time for him to reschedule.
I am so mad at Greg right now it is pathetic! He just tossed away two huge jars of vitamins! Hardly any were taken if any! He was supposed to have taken them and swore to me he was. So he lied the whole time we were TTCing! He did absolutely nothing to try to get a baby except fill those stupid cups and even that took three hours a pop. No wonder it took him so long! The whole time I was taking vitamins and several herbs, getting examinations up my hoo hoo, ultrasounds again up my hoo hoo and for what? He could not even bother to take one stupid pill! Right now I just want him gone! His DH is not “dear husband”
On top of all this I miss Houdini; she was so cute and demanded nothing from me. She didn’t yell at me once. I want more like that here.
Off to Mafia Wars to get snuffed yet again!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
Lara is driving me crazy!!!! I know that is bad to say but it is true! She is constantly whining about her brother or if it is not Anthony than it is something else. She whines when she sees a TV ad she doesn’t like and screams for me to change the channel. So she has zero tolerance of anything!
Anthony ties not to bother her at first but then gets fed up with it and so just pushes her buttons. I guess he figures she will yell at him anyway so he might as well try to be in charge of the situation!
I am not doing well at all. I have had increased pain in my chest and behind my eye so I think the Sarcoidosis is spreading and growing again. Of coarse my primary doctor is on vacation so I have to ride it out until he gets back next Monday. I just can not see a new doctor and try to update them with eighteen months of background with every “ologist” in NJ. It would take all day long to do! This new pain makes my old pain less, so that is something good.
We had a mouse in our back room that eluded me for days. I had a trap set up with a bathroom tissue roll and a garbage can baited with peanut butter. The mouse ate the peanut butter but didn’t fall in the garbage can so I made the tube a half of a paper towel roll. Again the mouse took the bait but nothing else. So I tried a full paper towel roll. Again no mouse, bait gone. So I counterweighted the end with nickels to make it stick out more off the shelf and it fell in the garbage but it climbed out. A bigger garbage can produced the same result. So I got a huge outside can that is 30 gallons. The mouse was finally caught in that. She was a fairly big brown mouse that was very scared. We kept her until night feeding her crackers and peanut butter and a dish of water but I do not think she ate or drank, as she was so scared. We let her go in a nearby park far from any house. I left her with the paper towel roll. Some straw we had given her for bedding in the can once we nabbed her, and a dab of peanut butter for strength. I said a prayer to Saint Francis that she will be OK. I wish I could have kept her but Greg said that she has too many diseases and fleas to keep as a pet. He mentioned the bubonic plague but I doubt a mouse in New Jersey carries the plague virus. I mean is there an outbreak of the bubonic plague in NJ that I am unaware of?
Anthony ties not to bother her at first but then gets fed up with it and so just pushes her buttons. I guess he figures she will yell at him anyway so he might as well try to be in charge of the situation!
I am not doing well at all. I have had increased pain in my chest and behind my eye so I think the Sarcoidosis is spreading and growing again. Of coarse my primary doctor is on vacation so I have to ride it out until he gets back next Monday. I just can not see a new doctor and try to update them with eighteen months of background with every “ologist” in NJ. It would take all day long to do! This new pain makes my old pain less, so that is something good.
We had a mouse in our back room that eluded me for days. I had a trap set up with a bathroom tissue roll and a garbage can baited with peanut butter. The mouse ate the peanut butter but didn’t fall in the garbage can so I made the tube a half of a paper towel roll. Again the mouse took the bait but nothing else. So I tried a full paper towel roll. Again no mouse, bait gone. So I counterweighted the end with nickels to make it stick out more off the shelf and it fell in the garbage but it climbed out. A bigger garbage can produced the same result. So I got a huge outside can that is 30 gallons. The mouse was finally caught in that. She was a fairly big brown mouse that was very scared. We kept her until night feeding her crackers and peanut butter and a dish of water but I do not think she ate or drank, as she was so scared. We let her go in a nearby park far from any house. I left her with the paper towel roll. Some straw we had given her for bedding in the can once we nabbed her, and a dab of peanut butter for strength. I said a prayer to Saint Francis that she will be OK. I wish I could have kept her but Greg said that she has too many diseases and fleas to keep as a pet. He mentioned the bubonic plague but I doubt a mouse in New Jersey carries the plague virus. I mean is there an outbreak of the bubonic plague in NJ that I am unaware of?
Yo Gabba Gabba
Last Saturday we went to Rockaway NJ to meet up with Plex from Yo Gabba Gabba. We were first on line as we got up at 7 AM, and were out of the house at 8:30 AM. We got there at 9:30 and registered at 10 AM. Then at 11:30 we started the line and at 1 PM we finally saw Plex. Anthony was in awe and so it was all worth it in the end. Lara wanted nothing to do with it and so visited with her Poppy and Aunt Debbie. We discovered a Gertrude and Hawk chocolate store there and bought a lot of stuff, as we haven’t seen one of those in years around us. I think I have discovered a new mall to go to! Look out thighs here I come!!!!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Update
Vacation was beat. We really did not do much of anything. We went to an open house that I dreaded but turned out OK. Greg’s cousin that attacked me that one Christmas was there but I avoided her and she avoided me, so no conflict. She just gave me dirty looks which I ignored.
Lara has been bad as of late. She has accidents all the time with pee and poop. I am dreading her going to school and how much I will be called to clean her up. It is not that I mind I just dread the other children teasing her over it.
Anthony is regressing with the potty as well so I will be showing up at his school as well. They both want a pet but I told them not until they are not peeing and pooping in their pants. They agree but then they forget.
Greg has been his usual self. We actually were close one day for a bit of time but not sure how that was. I marked that lone day on my chart. I just feel so lonely and he doesn’t get it. He actually tied to compare work with me on Sunday. I complained because he went and watered the lawn for an hour in the morning when he should have gotten ready for church. As a result we were late. He complained that he couldn’t have an hour a week to do what he wanted that he has to give up everything! Ugh hello? And who gave up their job for the family and lives a life of seclusion? I told him all that and he said he got it, but I know he didn’t.
I managed to drive to NYC on my own. I haven’t driven there in a long time. I had to drive by ground zero and that was hard to do. I had car trouble on the way as the plastic thing under the front end fell down and was dragging. I was in God knows where NJ when that happened. I managed to find my way back home, and started out again an hour plus later. Greg fixed the car with duck tape, bolts and cable ties. This made me late so not much time in New York. I think about an hour. Everything else ran smoothly.
Today I am a wreck. I am having stomach issues that I do not want to get into detail with, but trust me it stinks big time. So I can not do much of anything today.
Lara has been bad as of late. She has accidents all the time with pee and poop. I am dreading her going to school and how much I will be called to clean her up. It is not that I mind I just dread the other children teasing her over it.
Anthony is regressing with the potty as well so I will be showing up at his school as well. They both want a pet but I told them not until they are not peeing and pooping in their pants. They agree but then they forget.
Greg has been his usual self. We actually were close one day for a bit of time but not sure how that was. I marked that lone day on my chart. I just feel so lonely and he doesn’t get it. He actually tied to compare work with me on Sunday. I complained because he went and watered the lawn for an hour in the morning when he should have gotten ready for church. As a result we were late. He complained that he couldn’t have an hour a week to do what he wanted that he has to give up everything! Ugh hello? And who gave up their job for the family and lives a life of seclusion? I told him all that and he said he got it, but I know he didn’t.
I managed to drive to NYC on my own. I haven’t driven there in a long time. I had to drive by ground zero and that was hard to do. I had car trouble on the way as the plastic thing under the front end fell down and was dragging. I was in God knows where NJ when that happened. I managed to find my way back home, and started out again an hour plus later. Greg fixed the car with duck tape, bolts and cable ties. This made me late so not much time in New York. I think about an hour. Everything else ran smoothly.
Today I am a wreck. I am having stomach issues that I do not want to get into detail with, but trust me it stinks big time. So I can not do much of anything today.
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