Jillie Beans Blog

The devil has asked to be my friend at Facebook...

2009-11-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

It is just a really bad chapter of my life being relived. He was so abusive to me. When I was away at school he came to visit me one weekend that my roommate was gone. Someone said they hoped I wouldn’t get my period and it was at that time I looked at my supplies and realized I had never had one since arriving at school. Sounds stupid I know but the work was so hard I just didn’t think of it. I was getting sick at 5 PM every night. At that point I realized I was pregnant. I was just shy of three months.

When he arrived I told him in the student union thinking it would be OK. That he wouldn’t hit me there, but he did. So I tried to get out and he was following me, yelling and he hit me again. Only this time it was in front of two boys that went to school. I didn’t know them but they did not stand for a boy hitting a girl so they beat Chris up. I managed to break it up but when we got back to my room he accused me of sleeping with the two boys. He just didn’t get small town rules of getting involved when you see a wrong. Anyway he beat me up badly then and there. Most of the hall was away that weekend. The next night I had cramps and went to the bathroom. My beautiful baby came out and I held him/her in my hands. Then (God help me) I flushed my beautiful baby. I was in shock. I should have buried him/her. I hate myself for that and always will. When I told him what happened he said it was for the best and went to sleep. I preyed a bit of placenta stayed so I could bleed out but it just didn’t happen.

I tried drugs and alcohol but that didn’t work. The Wicca community of Lilly dale helped me come to understanding with the soul of my baby. They helped a lot, but I lost a belief in God. It wasn’t until ten years later that I was able to trust a man again, Gregory. Six years we married and I stated my quest to find God. I have found him somewhat but still struggle with this belief daily.

So you see this guy has been gone for twenty six years and I pray he stays gone. I just do not need him in my life. Last I heard he had married my then best friend as they were sleeping together when I was away at school even though we were engaged to be married. He also had a child with her and a girl friend with a child living in the same house. I was told that the girlfriend was posing as a live in nanny, but her child was his as well. This is just like TV drama I know but all true.

What is going on now...

2009-09-14T07:04:00.000-07:00

Anthony is starting school today. Fort the first time ever my baby is going to school! It is a half day “Transitional Kindergarten” class. This is more advanced than Pre School but not quite kindergarten. It is for children that miss the cut off date of October 1st. It is for the children that turn five between October 1st and December 31st. I think he will do well as he can write a little and read a bit. He is more advanced than Lara was going to PreK-4. He is all excited about going and keeps on asking when he will go. He also made me buy a beautiful red apple so he can give it to his teacher today. That’s my boy! Now I know the hardest part will be letting him go. This will be hard for me to do and I hope I do not cry.

Lara is OK. She is doing better this year thanks to her one on one aide. It is hard to get used to the notion that there is a person whose entire job is taking care of my daughter and it is not me. KWIM? I am grateful though as now she can keep up with the class and do her work. With her one on one it is harder for her to drift away into Laraland. Her behavior at home is not any better though and she continues to pee and poop in her pants when she is at home. Some days I just feel all I am doing is cleaning pee and poop! I told them that there will be no pets until they stop having accidents and when I say that it seems to have an impact. Then later on I am cleaning up yet again another accident.

Greg is the same. He never changes, ever! I stayed on the couch last night. I feel asleep watching “Floristic Files”. I like to watch all those crime shows on Tru TV. I also like House, Bones, Monk and Psych. Hmmmm is there a pattern? Anyway I do not want a roommate I want a husband. Until he is a husband I stay away.

I have not been feeling well. I had some really bad chest pains. It felt like I was being punched in the chest. I finally went to see the doctor. He gave me an EEG that came back as normal. I then had a CT scan of my chest that showed the lymph nodes were swollen but not too badly according to my doctor. The pain has gone away some so maybe they were more flared up when it was the peek of the pain? At any rate they seemed to have gone down on their own so that is a good thing. I have to take every positive thing I can KWIM? When my chest hurt it took away the mid drift pain. Today when I woke up I had no pain, but then again it was 7:40 and I was too panicked stricken to feel anything. Greg yet again turned off his alarm and went back to sleep! Way to go Hun! I hopped into the shower first as FIL was coming over in twenty minutes and he can see his son in a towel. KWIM?

I know I should be grateful that FIL comes over, but I am not. He played with the children while I was trying to get Lara to eat. I was in the kitchen saying eat Lara, but instead she played with her Poppy. I mean why didn’t he say for her to eat? She had a half a Toaster Struddle! That is the only thing she will eat until dinner time. She does not eat lunch or snack at school. I sometimes thing it would be wiser to send plastic prop foods. That way we don’t have to toss it away when it gets warm. Anyway he also says “oh Geese” over and over again as I try to get her to eat or do anything else in the five nano seconds Greg has left me with. The stress is really just too much. One of us has to go. At this point I really do not know which one Greg will want to go.

I have been spending way too much of my time at Facebook. I have some eleven farms, a YoVille and a Mafia character that I go to everyday! Why am I so addicted to these things! My computer keeps knocking me off the web and these games have so many bugs it is pathetic. They are all beta versions so that in itself should tell a computer person that they are filled with problems, but do I go with logic? No I go and play them and go nuts when they enviably mess up on me. Ugh I should have stayed with my blinkies. They are less stressful and more predictable.

OMG!!!

2009-08-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

OMG!!! I went to the outside room to get the recycle can as I had left it out there from when I was trying to catch Houdini. I had left a trap set up just in case she had a friend. Anyway, she had a friend and he is now caught in the garbage can! I think I checked on it last night when I threw bread out in the back yard and the tube was set. So now I guess this is Bess or Harry Houdini? I am fairly certain it is a boy so I guess it is Harry. I am hoping it will not be rainy tonight so we can let him go near where we let Bess go a few days ago. So how many mice can live together?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

2009-08-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

I am still not feeling well. I tried to eat French fries last night at a local mall and aid for it later on. I have only a few more day s until the quack is back from his vacation so I should be OK.
Lara starts school next week, Anthony the week after that. Gregory had scheduled their doctor appointments for the first day of school thinking she was starting the next week. Ugh he didn’t look at the school calendar first? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! I am just happy we caught it in time for him to reschedule.
I am so mad at Greg right now it is pathetic! He just tossed away two huge jars of vitamins! Hardly any were taken if any! He was supposed to have taken them and swore to me he was. So he lied the whole time we were TTCing! He did absolutely nothing to try to get a baby except fill those stupid cups and even that took three hours a pop. No wonder it took him so long! The whole time I was taking vitamins and several herbs, getting examinations up my hoo hoo, ultrasounds again up my hoo hoo and for what? He could not even bother to take one stupid pill! Right now I just want him gone! His DH is not “dear husband”
On top of all this I miss Houdini; she was so cute and demanded nothing from me. She didn’t yell at me once. I want more like that here.

Off to Mafia Wars to get snuffed yet again!

AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

Lara is driving me crazy!!!! I know that is bad to say but it is true! She is constantly whining about her brother or if it is not Anthony than it is something else. She whines when she sees a TV ad she doesn’t like and screams for me to change the channel. So she has zero tolerance of anything!
Anthony ties not to bother her at first but then gets fed up with it and so just pushes her buttons. I guess he figures she will yell at him anyway so he might as well try to be in charge of the situation!
I am not doing well at all. I have had increased pain in my chest and behind my eye so I think the Sarcoidosis is spreading and growing again. Of coarse my primary doctor is on vacation so I have to ride it out until he gets back next Monday. I just can not see a new doctor and try to update them with eighteen months of background with every “ologist” in NJ. It would take all day long to do! This new pain makes my old pain less, so that is something good.
We had a mouse in our back room that eluded me for days. I had a trap set up with a bathroom tissue roll and a garbage can baited with peanut butter. The mouse ate the peanut butter but didn’t fall in the garbage can so I made the tube a half of a paper towel roll. Again the mouse took the bait but nothing else. So I tried a full paper towel roll. Again no mouse, bait gone. So I counterweighted the end with nickels to make it stick out more off the shelf and it fell in the garbage but it climbed out. A bigger garbage can produced the same result. So I got a huge outside can that is 30 gallons. The mouse was finally caught in that. She was a fairly big brown mouse that was very scared. We kept her until night feeding her crackers and peanut butter and a dish of water but I do not think she ate or drank, as she was so scared. We let her go in a nearby park far from any house. I left her with the paper towel roll. Some straw we had given her for bedding in the can once we nabbed her, and a dab of peanut butter for strength. I said a prayer to Saint Francis that she will be OK. I wish I could have kept her but Greg said that she has too many diseases and fleas to keep as a pet. He mentioned the bubonic plague but I doubt a mouse in New Jersey carries the plague virus. I mean is there an outbreak of the bubonic plague in NJ that I am unaware of?

Yo Gabba Gabba

2009-08-25T08:29:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday we went to Rockaway NJ to meet up with Plex from Yo Gabba Gabba. We were first on line as we got up at 7 AM, and were out of the house at 8:30 AM. We got there at 9:30 and registered at 10 AM. Then at 11:30 we started the line and at 1 PM we finally saw Plex. Anthony was in awe and so it was all worth it in the end. Lara wanted nothing to do with it and so visited with her Poppy and Aunt Debbie. We discovered a Gertrude and Hawk chocolate store there and bought a lot of stuff, as we haven’t seen one of those in years around us. I think I have discovered a new mall to go to! Look out thighs here I come!!!!!

Update

2009-08-17T08:22:00.001-07:00

Vacation was beat. We really did not do much of anything. We went to an open house that I dreaded but turned out OK. Greg’s cousin that attacked me that one Christmas was there but I avoided her and she avoided me, so no conflict. She just gave me dirty looks which I ignored.
Lara has been bad as of late. She has accidents all the time with pee and poop. I am dreading her going to school and how much I will be called to clean her up. It is not that I mind I just dread the other children teasing her over it.
Anthony is regressing with the potty as well so I will be showing up at his school as well. They both want a pet but I told them not until they are not peeing and pooping in their pants. They agree but then they forget.
Greg has been his usual self. We actually were close one day for a bit of time but not sure how that was. I marked that lone day on my chart. I just feel so lonely and he doesn’t get it. He actually tied to compare work with me on Sunday. I complained because he went and watered the lawn for an hour in the morning when he should have gotten ready for church. As a result we were late. He complained that he couldn’t have an hour a week to do what he wanted that he has to give up everything! Ugh hello? And who gave up their job for the family and lives a life of seclusion? I told him all that and he said he got it, but I know he didn’t.
I managed to drive to NYC on my own. I haven’t driven there in a long time. I had to drive by ground zero and that was hard to do. I had car trouble on the way as the plastic thing under the front end fell down and was dragging. I was in God knows where NJ when that happened. I managed to find my way back home, and started out again an hour plus later. Greg fixed the car with duck tape, bolts and cable ties. This made me late so not much time in New York. I think about an hour. Everything else ran smoothly.
Today I am a wreck. I am having stomach issues that I do not want to get into detail with, but trust me it stinks big time. So I can not do much of anything today.

Busy....

2009-07-31T10:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the low activity as of late. I have been spending a lot of time on face book. I have about six farms now (gained one this morning), a member of the mob, and a citizen of YoVille. Every morning I tend all of my crops and animals, Do a few “jobs” and some banking, and then I go to work at YoVille widget factory. Sad thing is I really do not know what I am doing so everything is dying in the farms, my mob character is in the hospital, and my YoVille apartment is rather sparse! Ugh you think with all the time I spend there I would be better at it!

I the real world:

Anthony is doing major back steps with the potty. He was totally off of diapers two weeks ago. We would give him a YoGabaGaba when he went a week with no accidents. Well as soon as he got the last one he stopped going on the pot. He pooped and peed in his pants all the time. So Greg and I decided to take the YoGabaGabas away in reverse order. Every time he pooped in his pants he lost the last one he was rewarded with. Well he was so upset when he pooped he wouldn’t tell us. I can not smell very well and so it sat there way too long. So now the poor boy has a really nasty rash on his but! I gave back his toys but he still won’t tell us when he has an accident because now it really hurts when I clean him up. Even with just plain water and a soft cloth. When I have to clean him it is just awful and he screams the whole time. I just cry with him, but I have to do it.

Lara had her last day of camp today so she is all mine for the rest of the summer. Now I have to come up with something to do with them, as they will drive me nuts at home all day. She is having accidents a lot in her pants and so between the two I am always cleaning someone up. With her I also have to clean up the floor! Ugh! She is easily annoyed by Anthony and whines at him all the time. Anthony just say something like “this is problematic”. I think he is going to be a psychiatrist or psychologist someday. Lara had a great birthday and is now seven years old!

Greg is pretty much the same. He wakes up late all the time, but does not watch old shows on his lap top anymore. So that is something. He is off next week and we are staying home. He likes being at home all day for a change. I do not. I want to run away for the week and leave him to tend the children 24/7. You know “for a change”. He was good for my birthday but forgot he was in charge of organizing it. So no balloons, flowers, or birthday plates and napkins. He forgot it all. Strange thing is he wrote a list of things to do and all of that was on the list! I guess he was too busy writing the list to actually do it. That’s my man!

I really wasn’t in the mood to celebrate that day anyway. Little Dylan was put to rest the day before and that just loomed over me. Everything with Dylan brought back the past for me and I just had a hard time dealing with it. Today is raining and so my Sarcoidosis is bothering me something awful. I didn’t want to get up and Greg just doesn’t get it at all. He thinks I am lazy.

Yesterday was a sad day…

2009-07-20T07:14:00.001-07:00

Things were just awful as I woke up not feeling well at all. Greg was on call at home and so being a very self centered pain. Any time I could use help he was working, but he managed to look around on juke box for songs, etc he just didn’t have time to do anything with the children. When I woke up I was nauseous and in pain. It is getting worse.
Later on we went to dinner at Friendlies and that was good. The children behaved there so we let them play with the crane machine. They both won the toy they wanted. Last time after two hours of trying we got one that Lara hated. Anyway things were good then.

When I got home though I found out that a little boy that had been fighting the injuries from abuse succumb to his injuries. He passed away at two thirty that day. I am very saddened by this. He was doing so well at his birthday a little over a month ago. I had been praying for him since last August. I know what it is like to loose a child to domestic violence and so feel so bad for his dad. He was the one that was taking care of him, as his mom was one of the abusers. One of I think seven people. He was only two when they called 911, as he was not breathing. He had so many injuries from trauma, burns, and bites. I am so sick from this I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I have been thinking of my baby that I lost so long ago, and what s/he would have been like had they made it to birth. At twelve weeks all I could tell was that it was a baby. Today that baby would be 25. I just hate people sometimes.

I was in such pain this morning as I finally fell asleep at six AM! Lara had a bad dream last night. I had gone to the living room to watch TV and try to sleep. I made sure Greg was all comfy and did not want to keep him awake. Anyway just as I was about to finally drift asleep Lara woke up screaming. She stayed awake the rest of the night as well. It was about two AM then. Every time she would seem to go to sleep something would wake her. At six Anthony came in screaming as I had left him in my bad and Greg couldn’t handle him. No surprise there. Anyway at that time Greg stayed with Lara and I went to be with Anthony. The four of us just can’t fit into a full bed anymore. So I got an hour sleep before Greg woke up late, as he didn’t set an alarm clock. He was screaming for me and Lara to get up. I was in such pain and just wanted to throw up and die. Greg was being his sunshiny self yelling that I was an awful mother for not getting up! As if I was up all night so how bad of a mother can I be? Also Lara did not want to go to rec. today as she was tired. Greg was just being so mean today. I just wish sometimes I had never married him. I had stayed away from men after my first fiancé was so abusive to me so much. I thought Greg was good, but I am not so sure. He does not abuse us and does care about the children. It is just with me that he says mean things and thinks he can order me around like a stupid servant.

Bummer Summer...

2009-07-15T08:21:00.001-07:00

Nothing new. I was up nauseous and in pain. I know I am not pregnant because it is 2009 and my name isn't Mary if you know what I mean. Lara has been a horror lately. She screams a lot, refuses to eat and fights with her brother. Anthony has hit back a few times and is getting a bit lippy with me. Greg is just a cold ice burg. The most I ever get from him is a simple peck goodbye in the morning. He does his share with the children and showers them with affection, but with me there is nothing. I just started to take Relacore PM to get rid of my pot belly I got from the Prednisone. Maybe that will make me more attractive?

I just wish could run away sometimes and be by myself. To just relax and not have to do anything. :oops: My dream is to go to Lisbon Falls Maine

Sorry for the no posts...

2009-07-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

I have not been feeling well at all. The pain is up and I am as nauseous as ever. To add to the pain Lara has been particularly bad. She screams all the time and is never happy. We tried to take a drive today and had to come back home in less than a half hour as she was constantly screaming at Anthony the whole time. I just couldn’t take it so we went home. Greg is more distant then ever and hates me going online. Anthony is my one saving grace, but he is getting to talk back a bit too much. The summer is a bummer.

Very down...

2009-06-12T08:58:00.001-07:00

This has just been one hell of a week. Nothing is going well for me right now. My mid drift is hurting more and more each day, and my nausea in the morning just isn’t going away. I never felt sick when pregnant so why I am getting now I just don’t know. Also the tension has caused my right eye’s lower lid to twitch something awful. I am sure I look like a total psycho with that now. My face is not as bad as it was. At least now it is not bleeding anymore, but it is still red. My hair has gone grey, as we just don’t have the money to dye it. Greg set up an appointment for me on Sunday, but I am not sure how we will pay for it. Not sure if it would help me anyway as I am still so fat. My mood is probably low also due to the weather. It is cold and rainy here in “the Garden State” good for the vegetation but not for the people. I am also upset about some graphics that I recently did. I did a group project and it just turned so nasty I really do not think I am ever going to do another group project. I mean it is not like I am getting paid for doing it and they acted like I was a servant to them. I wouldn’t take that from a boss let alone a volunteer thing. KWIM? They accused me of all kinds of nasty things that is just not me. At any rate it has left me with a sour feeling and so I just wont do it anymore.

Lara has been awful this week. Screaming all the time at all of us. She hates what ever we do. If we stay at home she complains, if we try to go out she complains too. Last night Greg wanted to go shopping but Lara wanted to do an art project. Greg let her do the art first. Well we finally got out at 8 PM! We rushed to get what he needed and some food before the stores and food closed. Well then she screamed, as she didn’t get to see the puppies in the pet store! She screamed as we left something awful. I am surprised DYFuS wasn’t called. Eating is an issue and she is loosing weight again. She can fit into size three pants but has the inseam of size seven! She also does not eat at school at all. We send her with lunch and a snack and all of it comes home intact. Next year the school is going to have an aid to stay with her all day at school to help her. I am praying this will show some improvement with her. Otherwise I fear she will have to go to a school for “special children”. I went through that and so know how not so special, special can be.

Anthony continues to be my saving grace here. He is now off the diapers in the day and only wears pull ups at night. Most mornings he is dry so I am thinking of ditching the pull ups at night. Lara on the other hand has a full pull up every morning. He is also now looking forward to going to school. I am keeping things a bit dull now so he can see how school would be something he would get to do that is different. He is so smart and so I think he is going to do great in school.

Greg has been better as of late and not as demanding as he can be. He does revert sometimes but he is trying and that is all I can ask.

Nothing exciting planned this weekend. The church down the road is having a fair in their parking lot on Sunday so we might pop by there for a few minutes but that is all. I just wish the rain would stop.

Not doing well...

2009-06-08T10:22:00.001-07:00

We did have some fun at two Greek fairs. One last Saturday when Greg got off of work and one this post weekend. The one this past weekend had inflatable that the children loved. Anthony was a horror at church on Sunday. So he has no computer this week.

I am just not feeling well at all. I am not sure what is wrong with me. Whether it is the Sarcoidosis or something else. I wake up every morning now nauseous and in pain. I am tired all the time and even doing graphics is a struggle. I just finished a group blinkie that took a lot out of me. It had a lot of controversy to boot so it was in the end mostly bad. A few appreciate it and said so which was nice, but so many hate it because of the name, I am thinking of not doing another group blinkie as I probably would get this again. You just can’t get a group happy with one blinkie. There will always be a few that hate it and tell you so over and over again. I think one posts would have been plenty. KWIM?
Anyway my face is broken out something awful and money is tight so my hair is grey. My mother told me yesterday I need a makeover. I am also overweight so I need to get out and walk. I just can’t motivate myself to move at all. I am a mess.

Ugh...

2009-06-01T08:05:00.001-07:00

Lara is just not doing well at all. She has fits throughout the day and wets her pants a lot. This weekend she went through everything she has in long and short pants so today she wore Capri’s. Her solution is to buy more pants. She threw a fit today when she had to put on the Capri’s and would not go to her class room when we got to school. A teacher and the office manager had to help to get her to go in. All, of this because there is a bow at the top of the pants. You can’t even see it with her shirt on but she doesn’t care. She knows it is there. When she isn’t having a fit she goes into her own little world.

Anthony is still doing well but we had a scare with him this weekend. He didn’t get his way and threw a fit worthy of Lara. I fear that he is going to get to be like her. Lara was fairly OK until about four and a half. Then the bizarre habits and such started. Anthony is now that age and so I fear he is changing too. I just don’t know if I can handle two children having fits or staring off into space. I am horrible to write that but I just don’t know if I can manage that.

Greg was working this past weekend and so was a total pain to deal with he needs silence, as he has to talk on the phone with customers. The children just can’t do that so he is always bugging me to go out with them. Not that he would take the two alone, but I can. Double standards are just a b***h KWIM? We managed to go to a Greek festival after he got off work on Sunday. He took a long time to get ready though so we barely made it. By the time we were done eating everything was closing. The rides were running but they stopped selling tickets. Lara wanted to go on a swing ride that needed there tickets. I found two but no more. The operator refused to cut slack so she didn’t get to go on the swing. She left screaming and crying. Earlier someone gave Anthony a Spiderman inflatable so he was happy with that. We had told him that if we only found three tickets that Lara would go and he was OK with that.

I am just tired all the time. Lara’s behavior is unsettling and I just don’t know what to do fir her. I just don’t know how to help her. It gets to be too much sometimes and I feel I am loosing it so I take breaks. My health is not good so that certainly doesn’t help as I am in pain or nauseas or both. This cycle I spotted for a long time so I do not know what that is about. My face is also awful and I am very big. I just am not doing well at all. Heck even with my blinkies I am getting problems so I am wondering if I should continue or just drop that. I mean I get enough grief at home why sign on and get it in cyber world?

Update...

2009-05-29T07:25:00.001-07:00

The weekend was not all that great. We really didn’t do anything that was fun. Except Monday when we saw the parade. I am not into parades so nothing there for me but Lara enjoyed it. Anthony was mad because he was looking forward to getting candy as they toss it out during parades here. This year though they didn’t throw it out on our side only the other side of the road and so Anthony was angry. I went to a nearby CVS after and bought him a bag of candy and so he felt slightly better.

Lara was in a funk the whole weekend and no matter what we did she hated it and screamed a lot. We missed church on Sunday, as it was just so tense that no one got ready in time for the noon service.

Greg was off Monday and took off Tuesday to do yard work, but it rained so he stayed in the house all day so no computer time for me.

Lara has been bad this week. Very disagreeable and screaming. Anthony is doing better with his potty and stays in underwear all day. He had a couple of accidents that were not his fault as he got diarrhea. Greg has been into his lawn care again and is all he thinks of night and day. As we drive he points out green lawns, lawns that are great, lawns that are bad and what they need to do, etc. I just don’t want to hear it anymore. I honestly think I should color myself green. Maybe then he would pay attention to me for a change.

This week has been cooler and damp. Today it is raining so I woke up in a lot of pain and nauseous. I hate waking up on days like this, as everything feels bad. It is so hard to get up and Greg just doesn’t understand at all. I can’t talk to him about it, as he doesn’t want to hear it anymore. Times like this I wish I could just walk away and never come back.

Tired with a cold...

2009-05-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

I have a cold and am run down from it. I am just so tired. Lara is a bit better with her accidents. I haven’t been called to school for over a week to change her. I just hope I haven’t Jones myself by writing that and I get a call today. Anthony is doing better now with the pot. We resorted to bribery we said if he poops in the toilet he gets a sundae. Well he has earned two so far. When he is at home I keep him in underwear. Then when we go out I put a pull up over the underwear. That way if he does wet his pants he feels it, but doesn’t get his pants wet or his car seat. Greg and I are about the same.

Last night I got away fort awhile. They had a taping of the current show at our theater and I got to go solo. So I got some time away from the family. It was nice to do that. I have a cast party this Saturday that I could go to. I am just so fat and my face is broken out I don’t know if I should go. People dress up for these parties and I just feel so stupid even trying to do that. Kind of a silk purse from a sow’s ear kind of thing. Anyway I have to give that some thought. Greg would be home with the children so it would be time alone for me, but I will look so bad.

I have been doing blinkies over at the signature page. Mostly it is good, but some are a bit nervy. I think I am going to slow down a bit with them.

Did I really HAVE to get married? Couldn't we have lived in sin?...

2009-05-15T07:34:00.000-07:00

I am fuming at Gregory and have been since last night. OK so Thursday night I get to watch “Bones” and have a glass of wine. It is my “Mommy alone time”. That means I want to be alone. Is that too much to ask? I used to get to go to choir practice one a week from 7-10 PM. The practice was 40 minutes away and so took time to get there and back. Anyway now all I get is one lousy hour a week. One hour to pretend I actually matter. So last night Lara says only I can get her ready for bed as we both have “female parts” and that “daddy has boy parts”. OK fine, so she takes extra long to eat her dinner. Again fine with me. She finishes finally at 7:30. I was lying down during dinner and Greg was feeding them. Only he doesn’t help her so I have to get up to do that and finish at 7:30. So I give her dessert and she is done by 7:45. I then get her brushed and changed and am done at 7:55. I have five minutes to pour the wine (non-alcohol, as I am sick) and our some gold fish crackers and tune in channel five. Well Lara throws a fit and wants to be with me. I say after the show we can snuggle but I want an hour of “Mommy Time”. Greg picks her up and takes her out of the kitchen. I think to the living room. Well no he takes her to our bedroom to watch “Bones” with me. She will not leave and is screaming. So I let her stay. Then Greg wants to stay too. Mean while Anthony is all alone in the living room and usually if he stay like that eventually he screams he is all alone and then he ends up in the room as well. So then all four of us are in our tiny “Full size” bed (not Queen or King, but full!) to watch the show in what should be my alone time!

So I gave up and went into the living room. Lara screamed until Greg let her come in too. So Greg watched “Bones” all by himself in my “Mommy Time” and fell asleep. He actually doe not like the show as he thinks it is too graphic so why he wanted to watch it I just don’t know. I ended up watching the national geographic channel’s show on the planets. It was very good actually and today Lara was talking to her dada about the volcanoes on Oberon a moon of Uranus, and how it spews water that turns into ice and falls back to the surface. So Lara got a lot out of the show. When the children fell asleep I took them to their beds and slept on the couch. I didn’t feel like going anywhere near Greg at all. He is just so selfish! Why can’t I get mommy time? Heck I can’t even take a pee alone let alone have any time. I always have the children or him. I yelled at him I wanted to be alone and he argued that it was wrong for me to want that. That I have children and should be with them.

This is all from his mom. From the day she had children she did nothing for herself. It was always about the children and her husband. Anything she did for herself she gave up. She just spent her day cleaning, cooking and fussing over them. Never having any alone time. I just can’t do that. I need time to myself.

Later on Anthony had a bad dream and was crying for me and so I pout him in our bed and stayed the rest of the night there. I didn’t want to but the couch is too small for the two of us and I fear he could fall on the floor. It is hardwood over cement so it would hurt a lot to fall on it.

Sorry for the kvetch I just need to get it out. KWIM?

That crazy little thing called "life"...

2009-05-14T08:03:00.001-07:00

Things have been busy around here. Lara has been very moody and her behavior seems to be getting worse. She screams a lot and fights with her brother all the time. There just doesn’t seem to be peace when she is around. I am sad to type that but it is true. On Mother’s day she fought with her brother the whole day. Nothing was OK with her. Even with something as small as what is on TV if she doesn’t like the show she screams something awful. To listen to it you would think she was being tortured. She scream like that out in public and I am worried that someone will call DYFUS on us one day as she sounds like someone is beating her. Mean while all that is the problem is that we bought something she doesn’t like. It doesn’t even have to be something for her. If I buy something for myself and she doesn’t like it she screams. I just don’t understand this at all. We have never caved to her whims and so why does she think all should go her way?

Anthony is growing by the minute and is very big for his age group. More and more people ask if Lara and Anthony are twins. To look at them they really do look the same age. He is in fact heavier than she is now but a lot of weight. It is hard to pick him up now and no problem with her. He gets jealous when Greg puts her on his shoulders, but he is a bit heavy for that. We can now with some effort but not for long will that go on. He is not looking forward to going to school and says so when ever it is brought up. He can do some simple writing all in capitals. He can spell out three letter words. He also makes blue prints when he wants to build something. He made a rocket out of paper but first he drew all the parts on a sheet of paper and had arrows pointing to where everything was attached to the mail part. I thought that was great.

Greg is the same as always. He just can’t seem to do much with the work around here anymore. All he wants to do is take care of the lawn. He spent all of Saturday fussing with his lawn. It was his first day off in a while and it was a lovely day, but we did nothing as a family as he was fussing with the stupid lawn. Then he expects me to tell him what a wonderful job he did and how happy I am? I don’t think so! He also does not get up in the morning when the alarm goes off so everyone is late as he is the first up. He has to be the first up as he takes over and hour to get ready. I take fifteen minutes. So if I got up first I would have to get up at 5:45 so I am ready by 6 so he can take the hour plus to get ready? That would not make sense to me so he gets up first, only he slugs a bed. Also if I go to bed because I am ill he does too so no matter what I have to get the children ready for bed or it just doesn’t happen. He also stays away from going to bed with me. He is caught up with “Lost” now but still avoids me. I am so jealous of the women who post about how their husbands can’t keep their hands off of them, and how tired they are. I mean I get nothing. I have gotten nothing for years now. I do not have a husband I have a room mate that picks up the bills. It sucks.

I keep thinking about the first trial that was ever put on in the continental US. It was at Plymouth Rock. A married woman and a single man had been caught cheating. They were put on trial. At the end the single man was whipped for tempting the married woman. The married woman was whipped for cheating on her husband. The husband was whipped for performing his husbandly duty so badly that his wife had the desire to look for comfort in other men. So even the Puritans recognized sex as an important part of a marital relationship. So why cant my modern husband see it. Heck even Freud said the tree things we needed to survive is food, shelter and sex. In that order or we would die. So if Freud is right I am dead.

I am not feeling very well at all which is why this update is so late. It has been rainy off and on around here so my Sarcoidosis is acting up something awful. I am also depressed from al this weather. It is cold and rainy again today. I also have a cold so even on the sunny days I can not go out.

On Mother’s Day the day started off nicely. I had some nice gifts given such as “House” season’s 3 & 4, and a pair of silver earrings. Lara gave me a toy shovel set, a toy water can, some bath boats and a sprinkler to play in. Her heart was in the right place, as she loves all of them! Then we went to church where the children were awful. They went under the pews, laid on the pews and in general were very loud. Of coarse that day they were begging for donations to sponsor children in poor countries so the service was extra long. After we went to the florist to get flowers for Greg’s mom’s grave. Then we went up there to visit her. The children fought the entire trip there and back. We were going to go to a diner but the wait was long and we were rushing to my parents. A brother had called that week to say we were all meeting at 1 PM so we could have an early dinner. He wanted that as his family gets up so early on a weekday and they are an hour from my mom’s house. Anyway we didn’t eat out so we went home and bought some bagels. Again the children were fighting. It was so bad I just lost my appetite, so I didn’t eat. Lara screamed all the time at home. She didn’t like the bagel, the TV show, etc. By the time everything settled down and we got to my mom’s it was 3 PM. No one was there! I was two hours late and the first arrival. I called the brother who set it up and his wife told me that 1 PM was just too early and that they would come when they could make it! I mean what the heck! I rushed to make the time and they took their sweet time. Never again will I fall for that. Next time we will just do as we please and then let them wait.

This past Tuesday was Greg’s’ birthday. He worked from home, but spent most of the time in the backyard working on his lawn. He set up reservations for 5 PM and was barely done in time. I had to get the children ready. I gave him some DVD’s (Lost season 1 and an X Man one), some grapefruit candy, a CD of Diana Cral, and a hair dryer. After dinner we had a cake I made for him. His dad gave him a check and his sister gave him a DVD of “Pink”. He has to play that at work, as I can’t stand her. The whole “nah, nah, na nah nah” song makes me sick.

Now today it is rainy and cold and I feel awful. I just want to go to sleep but I have to take care of Anthony and then get Lara later on. Hopefully I can catch a nap today.

Not doing great...

2009-05-04T07:08:00.001-07:00

Lara had a bad week last week as far as having accidents at school. She had three BM’s and one wet pants. We just o not know what to do. We took her to the doctors on Friday and he suggested we give her a mild laxative to see if she could control herself that way. That maybe she was having pain when going and so was putting it off. Apparently some children do this. At any rate the other children are asking us why she keeps on pooping in her pants. So the problem is a social one as well. She is also more spacey than usual. It is hard to get her attention and keep it. She also mutters to herself. All in all I am just worried about her.

Anthony is the polar opposite of his sister. He is developing right on track although he says he does not want to go to school next year. I think he will be just fine one he gets there. I think he has a great vocabulary but maybe it is just me. The other day we were putting on the news. Both the children wanted to watch Spongebob instead. So I told them we would watch the news first and then Spongebob as there were a few times the show would be played in a row. Lara screamed, but Anthony said, “Lara we are compromising so every one is happy”. I thought it was great that at four he knows the word and how to use it correctly. He is also writing small words with his Magna Doodle and when we give him paper and crayons. So I think he will be fine in school.

Greg has been more standoffish than usual and at this point I find it hard to even care about that. He was upset on Friday because I forgot the school was having a plant sale for mother’s day. We got a notice home that he saw but he forgot and I was supposed to remember. I think he should remember that kind of things. First of all isn’t the holiday for me? So why should I shop for myself? Second, and a biggy is even though I am female I actually do not like plants. I do not like gardening or anything to do with plants so why would I buy myself a gift I do not like? I ended up giving him cash at the school so Lara could buy me a plant. She was so proud and cute when she gave it.

My Sarcoidosis is acting up and causing pain as usual, but with the recent colder weather and rain it is more than usual. I think anytime the weather has precipitation it gets worse. When it snowed this past winter it hurt more, and now in the rain it hurts more too. I am just tired of being sick all the time. I am getting really down and it is hard for me to do much of anything. I just can’t seem to care. The house is a mess and I just don’t have the energy or desire to clean it.

We lost the baby birds this weekend as well so I am really sad about that. Greg went to look in on them Sunday morning and the nest was empty. Then he saw them all on the ground. They had died there sometime between when we had seen them the night before and the morning. There were three of them scattered around. They were so small and cute. I cried when I found them. The children were very sad as well. Greg had seen a third bird fighting with two birds earlier that day so we are not sure if a bird was involved. I do know that I found the collar of a cat that lives two doors down right by a baby bird so I am thinking it was the cat. We are not 100% sure though. I have to return the color as it has the cats ID tag and proof of rabies shots. I put the babies in a jewelry box and buried them in the back. I just couldn’t leave them there. Anthony was sad but is over it now. Lara is having a hard time and was saying she was scared to be alone last night. She was afraid the cat would come after her. We tried to tell her she is bigger than the cat, but she wouldn’t listen. I hope she gets over it today at school.

Today is a cold, rainy, miserable day here. I have to do the laundry and go grocery shopping later on.

I am a failure as a mother...

2009-04-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

I just have no idea on what to do about Lara. She had a BM last Monday morning in school, and again yesterday at about the same time. So I went in both times to clean her up. The first time I took her home as I thought she might have done it to get out of school. Yesterday I kept her in school in hopes that it would stop her incontinence. Well at about 2 PM I got called him as she had wet her pants. I had used her change of clothing in the morning so she had nothing left. Then I left her again and picked her up at 3:10. So I drove to the school and back home four times yesterday. Now today at about the same time this morning I got a call from the school that she had a BM in her pants! This time I left another change in case she pees at 2 PM again.

I just don’t know what to do about this. She has not done this up to now with the BM so I am thinking it is not physical. Gregory went on the web and found some kind of muscle disorder that affects 1% of children and thinks that might be it. I do not however as that is present from birth and this has only been happening within a month of today. Before this she has wet her pants, but not BM. I am praying it is not MD or anything else that is life threatening. Wouldn’t MD show up with her major muscles as well though?

I am just at a standstill here. To make it worse my Sarcoidosis is causing my mid drift to be in more pain than usual and I am exhausted all the time. At night it is hard to sleep with the heat. When the phone rings I fear it is the school. So I am letting the machine get it first.

Ugh Squared....

2009-04-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

Just as I hit the "Publish Post" my phone rang. Lara had another BM at school! This is just getting to be too much. She just can’t do this in first grade. Then she screamed because I didn’t have pants that she likes. I cleaned her up and decided to keep her in school rather than taking her home. I think taking her home gives her the idea she can do this and get out of school. Maybe if she knows she has to go back to class she will sop it already. When I left she was crying. It breaks my heart to see her like that but at this point it also breaks my heart to think that she will be the child that always has poop in her pants. I just wish I had the wisdom to know what to do in situations like this, as there is no clear answer.

Ugh...

2009-04-27T06:54:00.001-07:00

The week was busy as usual. Lara had a hard time at school and had to leave early on Tuesday because she was a mess. She had a BM in her pants. Later on in the week she peed in her pants. The change of clothing I gave her that day was missing so I had to bring some clothes to her. The school was supposed to have a fire drill at that time but they held it so she could get into fresh clothes. I thought that was nice of them to do. Lara is just drifting further away from us and I just don’t know why. She doesn’t eat much and likes to just stare off. I feel like we are slowly loosing her and I just don’t know what to do. Greg is looking for a psychiatrist for her and later on today we will see the neurologist to get the results of the 48 hour EEG that we did at the hospital. Hopefully she will give us a clue on what is going on, as it was video taped as well.

Anthony is becoming quite the little man here. He is building pyramids with his Legos. He also has a great vocabulary and is very observant. He is writing out small words on his Magna Doodle also. He is just so opposite of his sister in so many ways. We have to be careful not to over praise him, as Lara gets jealous of him. On Saturday his guardian angel was on overtime. He had a really close call and scared the heck out of me. He went into the kitchen to get a snack out of a cabinet we have. It is a self standing one that we got at Target that has five shelves. Anyway he hung on the door. Greg was right there and told him not to but he did anyway and Greg did not try to physically stop him like I do. Anyway the cabinet fell over and Anthony managed to get out of the way. The cabinet barely missed him. A little more over and he would have been hit. We have a cement floor covered by tiles. I just don’t know if he would be here still if it had hit him. I fear not. I want to anchor the cabinet but out walls are cinderblocks covered by cement so it is complicated on how to do that. Greg is supposed to as he grew up across the street in the same model house and so knows how to do it, but he just doesn’t get to it. So until he does Anthony can not go into that cabinet again. What worries me is that in the morning Greg’s dad comes over to watch him. When he watches him that is exactly what he does he watches him. He watches him climb up things and get into things that are not allowed. He watches him climb up on a chair to reach on his tippy toes to get junk food for breakfast! I mean WTF? Why doesn’t it register that a little boy shouldn’t eat candy for breakfast or should climb like that? How did Greg survive boy hood? I don’t want him watching unless he is going to supervise as well. He shouldn’t climb, as he can get hurt. I mean I get why he does it. That is from me. I have always climbed and the crew I like best on the job is lighting climber. I can climb and get extra pay! I also get to be away from the roadies which is great sometimes because they can get to be a pain to deal with. I miss working. No stagehand can work around here unless they have younger family and I am the youngest so that is out. The work is just not steady enough to get licensed day care. Unlicensed is just too risky.

Greg was his usual self this week. Saturday he wanted to do something fun with the family outside as it was going to be so nice. He said he would get up at seven, do two hours of yard work, and then do something with us. I knew this just was not going to be the case as he said this all last year and it never did work out that way. He promised this year would be different. Well he got up at ten, had a leisure breakfast, went out to the yard at eleven, and finished up at four thirty. Then he showed and dressed and was ready to do something at six. So he is doing again this year what he did last year! So no family fun that day. I had taken them out in the yard earlier in the day but they fought and kept on going inside for water and snacks that I just eventually went inside with them. They were happier there even though Greg said they would be happier outside. Outside was just too hot. The weather had become super hot, super fast. It was in the 90’s this weekend and it is still up there. This is just too early for this kind of weather here. On Sunday I switched all the clothes from winter to summer. I had to do the children’s Greg’s and mine so it was a lot of work.

I am not doing well at all. I feel like a whale with all my extra weight. I can not fit into most of my pants, as I am too big. My shirts are no problem as I always wore large and extra large, but the pants are a problem. I am now taking diet pill in the hopes that my appetite will calm down. I don’t feel guilty about that, as it was the prednisone that made me fat. So if one pill made me fat why not take another to make me thin again? My face is also all broken out and I feel so ugly with that. My back is getting worse and my mid drift is in more pain at night. Last year at this time was when the pain was building up. By mid May I was taking Percocet so I am hoping it does not get that bad again. I am also often nauseas as well. Greg is going to see if his old dermatologist is on out health plan as the last one I saw was awful. We waited an hour and a half to see him less than five minutes. He them gave me a script for topical meds that cost $90 after the insurance paid its part! We had to leave it at the store, as I just don’t have that kind of money to spend on my face. Id rather get food and clothes for the children, KWIM?

We did manage to go to “Friendlies” on Saturday. The children were a bit noisy there. We decided to let Lara play the stuffed animal machine as you can now play until you win. It has a claw to grab stuffed toys. Well she had to go to the bathroom after starting, while we were away Greg let Anthony do it and he won a dog. When we got back Lara was mad so we gave her two dollars to play again. Well she couldn’t get anything, nor could I, nor could Greg, nor could Anthony. We tried and tried. So much for play until you win! After a while you just want to scream. Eventually I went to the car with the children. Lara was screaming she wanted to stay but I thought it was late enough. Greg did come out with a toy, but it wasn’t a cute animal. It was this stuffed boy doll with the Jamaican flag color on his hat and his tongue sticking out. Lara hated it and screamed.

On a nice positive note a couple of Robins decided that our bush by our front door was a great place to live. She the female made her nest there and later on laid her eggs in it. They have three beautiful blue eggs that she sits on day and night. I can see her on the nest when I look out my bedroom window. She doesn’t care when we are outside near it but if she sees we are looking at her she flies away. I don’t do that but Greg did a couple of times. He wont do it again as we fear her leaving the nest. We have yet to see the male but we know he is around somewhere guarding the brood. They usually are nearby and hidden. The mommy had a great day today as Greg watered the lawn. The water can not get to her, but the worms in the ground come up. So all she had to do when she woke up was fly down to the ground, eat a nice big worm, get a drink, splash some water on herself and get right back up again. Fast food and bath. Greg saw the whole thing from our window. It is nice to see the birds there. When we come home at night we can see her tail feathers sticking out of the nest. I like that.

The Hospital...

2009-04-20T06:51:00.000-07:00

The hospital went pretty much as expected. Lara was a mess when they attached the wires for her 48 hour EEG. They had to use glue to attach the wires so they would not fall off during the test. The glue had a strong odor and Lara hated it. That compacted with her being in a hospital and lying on an examination table just made her have a melt down. She screamed and cried the whole time that was being done and was begging me to make it stop. It was very hard for us to go through this time. Later on she settled down a bit at her room. Her appetite was awful and barely ate anything. I ordered things like pizza for her and she even refused that. The pizza was actually good as I think it was from a pizza place and not those institutional square pieces of cardboard that you usually get in an institution. My meals were messed up, as I was a “Vegetarian Diet”. The kitchen staff edited everything I ordered to a “diet” meaning weight loss. So when I asked for whole milk I got 1%. When I asked for cake I got fruit, my coffee became tea. Every time I would have to get the kitchen person to switch it back again so I always got my food later than Lara. This actually gave me time to try to get her to eat. Her sense of time went away while wee were there. I would ask her two hours after her meal arrived if she was hungry and she would yell that she told me already that she was not hungry as if I had just asked her when in fact it was two hours since I said anything. She also stayed up until 2 AM the first night and 1 AM the next with no naps during the day! So basically she didn’t eat or sleep while there. She also threw a few fits and hated the toys I brought for her. The only thing she liked was the coloring book and the box of 120 different colored crayons. She had a few “events” that were recorded so hopefully the doctor will give us details soon on what that was about. Greg visited a couple of times with Anthony as Lara had talked to him on the phone and asked for him to come over. They had never been apart since his birth and so I think they missed each other. Of coarse when together they fought and so I took Anthony to the playroom while her dad stayed with her. I found a computer in the playroom and so was able to go online for a few minutes. She also fought with her dad even though before his arrival she cried about him not being there. She loved the balloons he brought her and made her feel special. When they took off the wires she was again screaming and crying from the smell. The solvent they used was great at taking off the glue and it was very smooth, but again stinky so she hated it. She was miserable on the way home but Greg had more balloons waiting for her so her mood improved when she got in the house. The whole thing was very emotionally draining on us both. I kept on thinking of the parents of children that are seriously sick. I mean this was only a test and it was hard. How much harder they have it. I prayed for them a lot while I was there.

Greg was off for the rest of the week as it was Lara’s spring break. So I could not go online much. As soon as I sat down he kvetched about me being online “all the time”. We did a couple of fun things such as taking a walk at a local nature center. Mostly though they played in the back yard which is something they love to do so they were happy. While they played in the sand box I read the bible. I am up to Job now. I didn’t get to read it all during Lent like I wanted to, but I think God understands that I am a slow reader and also I am still reading so it is not like I wont finish it at all.

Anthony is a real piece of work. He is maturing so fast. He can now make letters with his Legos and spelled out “FIT” with them. He just does things that seem advanced. His structures are also getting very complex. I think he is going to do well in school.

Greg and I are OK but not getting any closer. He still stays on the computer watching “Lost” reruns. He is up to the current season and soon will watching the show as it is played. He is however now behind in “Desperate Housewives” and so will probably stay up all night watching those reruns. I think he will do just about anything not to go to bed with me. I really can’t blame him. My face is all broken out, my hair is salt and pepper, and I am so fat. I am just a mess. I would rather not go to bed with me either. I just don’t even bother with my looks anymore. I just wear jeans and a sweat shirt with no jewelry of any kind most days. I am just feeling very depressed. My Sarcoidosis is also giving me the usual pain and I am just tired of being in pain all the time. I wish it would go inactive so the pain would go away and my skin would clear up. I had fun doing the show but it closed this past Saturday so back to the ho hum nights again. Only thing about the show is a wish the cast had been more social to the crew. They went out a few times and didn’t invite the crew. I thought that was rude. It was mentioned to them I think and then the last few times they did tell us, but I was sad that they didn’t think of it themselves. When I first joined the cast and crew went out after every show and always had a great time, now the cast is so separate from the crew like we are servants. KWIM?

Easter...

2009-04-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

Easter week was busy for me. Wednesday I baked cup cakes for Lara’s class as they had their “spring party “on Thursday. I had the religious group Wednesday night so I did the cup cakes when I got home. I was up until 2 AM doing that. I made little caterpillars out of M&M’s and icing. Thursday was the vigil of which I showed up late because I got the time messed up and also at the last minute Lara wanted to go so I had to dress her as she was in her PJ’s. Friday I was able to go to the 3 PM mass solo as Greg worked from home. I also went to the vigil solo on Saturday which was good as it was three hours long and the children would not have lasted that one out. Earlier in the day Greg said he wanted to make a big spread for his dad and sister the next morning! I got mad as when we were going to do all that he wanted. I mean I had a lot to do both that night and the next morning. He thought we could do it the same way we did Christmas but he forgot that we went to mass on Christmas Eve. On Easter morning we had to go to church at ten thirty and his dad and sister were coming at noon. So when did I have time to cook? We got a dozen bagels and some fancy spread (cream cheese and lox, cream cheese and olives) from the bagel shop instead. I had to help my mom set up for Easter dinner at her house that day also. On the way home Lara got sick in the car and so we had to pull over and clean her and the seat up. I almost didn’t make it to the vigil.

Turned out that we all got up early on Easter morning. The children were excited and so got up at 6:30! So the day started out great. Greg however dawdled and did not get into the shower. He also didn’t get to cleaning the seat for a long time. I said I would do it but he said he would, but then he didn’t move. Needless to say we didn’t make 10:30 mass. We changed the time with his dad and sister from noon to 11 AM. I thought they would stay awhile since we moved the time up. They however said they had to go at 11:15 to pick up Greg’s aunt to take her to a cousins house that they were going to for Easter dinner! I mean WTF? They were supposed to come 45 minutes later so were they planning on not coming at all? They didn’t have even one bagel so I am glad we did not make a huge spread for them. I think they are very rude for that. They came over for about ten minutes, never sat down, never ate or drank anything, and then left. I would never do that to anyone.

Busy, busy, busy...

2009-04-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

Super busy trying to get ready for Easter. The shows went well this past weekend once they started. On Friday though we had an instrument out that I did not know about until five minutes before curtain. So I had to change the lamp with the audience looking on! The stage crew set up the ladder but then they left. It was also on two different levels so I adjusted that and an audience member came up and held it while I changed the lamp. Of coarse that was not the problem so I ended up switching out the entire unit. That had it own problems as it was on a side arm so that too had to be adjusted before I put on the new instrument and then out back into place. All in all it delayed the show some twenty minutes and the lighting shop is downstairs. I did a lot of running up and down the stairs so I got a good workout and slept like a log that night. I am just not as strong as I used to be. I was surprised though that I had no problems putting in the lamp. Usually I do as it is a twist lock and you can not touch the glass, but Friday I had no problems with it. Saturday and Sunday went without incident

I have to get some more Easter stuff and also some stuff for Lara at the hospital. I am thinking that coloring books and jig saw puzzles would be good as the require you to be quiet and still. The thing is I have to go shopping alone and that I just not easy to do with Anthony at home 24/7. Also with the cold rain my Sarcoidosis is just acting up something awful. I woke up feeling hung-over even though I didn’t touch a drop yesterday.

Lara had her usually awful screaming morning. Nothing new there. Anthony woke up earlier than usual. He had a bad dream and ended up in our bed last night. Well this morning he anted breakfast in bed. Our bed that is. Greg didn’t go for that though and so the boys were mad at each other.

I switched my lights finally from Saint Patrick’s Day to Easter, but have yet to hang the plastic eggs that I usually do. I just can not get the energy to do it. I also have to do laundry but can do that either. So not a great day for me here. I have to go get Lara early as it is rainy and so everyone goes early. If I showed up at the usual time I would be far from school. I honestly wonder if some of them just stay there all day! What ever, KWIM? I did manage to hook up our new TV. My parent got a new TV from my brothers and so gave us their old one. Their old one is newer than the one we have so it is an upgrade for us. It is bigger and has connections for a DVD so it is a good thing. Now all I have to do is get Greg to get it on the TV stand with me and we will be all set!

Greg and I actually snuggled a little this past weekend which was a nice surprise for me. Hopefully it will not be a one time thing.

Updates...

2009-04-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

Anthony is doing OK but he refuses to get off the diaper. He says that if he stays with the diaper he won’t have to go to school next year. His wheels are in constant motion and is always thinking about everything. The things he comes out with sometimes are amazing. He is very aware of everything that is going on around him. He is also hyper sensitive with his boo boos. He also is getting into the routine of putting away all of his toys before supper. He makes these huge Lego sculptures and then dismantles them. He used to keep them up for days. I just have to work on his potty skills.

Lara is still having problems concentrating. We have her back on Focalin but at 10 mg. this time. She just has so many quirks now. She has to have her mouth covered all the time even when she eats. She now covers her mouth with her shirt so the necks are getting stretched out. We are trying to get her to stop but she screams when we try and stop her. She is going to get a 48 hour EEG at the hospital so hopefully we will find out what is going on with her. I will stay with her and Greg will stay at home with Anthony at night. In the day we will have babysitters over probably my parents as his sister just had her second hip replacement.

Greg is the same. He now wants us to go out to dinner and thinks that will make things better. I can not see how that will help us get closer I think he just wants to go out to dinner. He suggested dinner and a movie but I couldn’t find a movie playing that I wanted to see. If I am only going to see a movie every seven years I want it to be one I want to see. KWIM? Right now he is getting into the summer lawn mode so I will loose him to that soon.

I am not feeling so well and am tired all the time. I forget things too. The children are wonderful to be with but the marriage is just so bad. I really don’t have a husband here just a room mate. There is just nothing between us anymore. I like to go to the theatre and work the show but it only plays on the weekend so the week nights are as boring as ever. I make dinner, eat with the family, clean up the dishes, pots, pans and kitchen, and then have a cup of tea in my bed if Greg is changing the children. Otherwise I get the children ready for bed and then have that cup of tea. In the bible I am up to the second book of the kings, chapter twenty one. I will not finish it by the end of lent so I will just keep on going until I do. I think God will understand why it takes me a long time to read. I rather take my time and really read it than scan it and not get everything. KW

Lara is getting tested...

2009-03-23T07:03:00.001-07:00

We have decided to get Lara a 48 hour EEG test. Her doctor recommended it, as they did not catch anything in the in office EEG that she had in the fall. The EEG was awful for even the short tie she had to have the wires in. I held her hand the whole time as she was whimpering and at times wanted to take the wires out. So this is going to be hard on her. I am going to be with her the entire time. Greg will be with her during the times we have a babysitter for Anthony but then he will have to go home to relive them. We are going to take along her favorite toys and activities. I am also going to get some new things that I hope will keep her mind off the wires stuck to her head. We are having this done during her spring break so she does not miss any school.

Anthony is doing well and is maturing by the day. His Lego sculpture is getting more elaborate. He is now calling it his art work. He is a good boy and is very helpful in the afternoon.

Greg is back to his old self. Watching “Lost” until the wee hours of the night and eating junk food while watching it. Then he wakes up late and complains his tummy is not feeling well. He also can’t get up on time, as he is up so late so his alarm goes off every five minutes for at least 35 minutes each morning! I am sick of it and kick him out of bed now at the third time it goes off. He complains and calls me mean but I manage to get him up. He gets more and more lazy. He expects me to do all the errands and such, all the correspondence and such and I just won’t do it. He wants me to call the religion class and say we can’t make it anymore. Why cant he? He is the one that wants to quit, nit me so he can make that call.

I had tech week last week for the theatre. I am running lights for “The Melody Lingers On” at Bergen County Players in Oradell, NJ. I sewed one of the skirts for the show. It was made of beads that were made for a Christmas tree, but I cut them and sewed them on a belt thus making a bead skirt. Kind of looks like a hula skirt only with more bling. It took me an entire day to do. I only had a few breaks to do mommy things like feed Anthony and pick up Lara from school. We are running the show until the weekend after Easter, so I think we close April 20th. We are closed on Good Friday and Easter, but have a performance that Saturday. I won’t be there that night as I will be at the Easter Vigil. The lighting designer will take over for me. We had “Players Night” on Friday where only member can attend. Then we all went out after. It was fun and I got all dressed up for once. Then we had opening night on Saturday and a 2 PM matinee on Sunday. The Sunday performance was sold out. Most Sundays are almost gone as well. I just like getting out and away from the family. I know that sounds bad but I just feel good getting to be some place where I do not have to watch the children the whole time I am there. I get to kick back and enjoy the music of Irving Berlin and watch the glitz and bling of the show. I am having a good time and am dancing in my lighting booth most of the show. I love getting away!

At night I am drinking a cup of tea and reading the bible. I am up to Samuel now. The tea is mostly green tea so if I was TTCing I would be in great shape. We are not though trying so no oops baby here.

2009-03-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

I am just so tired of being sick. Every morning I wake up in pain and nauseous. Greg is waking up late and later which only makes things worse. When he gets up late then he does not get out of the bathroom until after seven. Then he wakes Lara up at say 7:20 and we have to get her out in under and hour which of coarse does not happen. Then she is late for school. Greg takes over an hour to get ready so he has to get up first. I get about ten minutes to get ready. I am just sick of it and the pain and nausea only makes things harder for me to get ready, as I just don’t want to move. The fasting is probably good because even if I did eat I would probably just loose it all anyway. I never got morning sickness when pregnant so now that I am not why get it now?

Money is real tight now too and Greg is buggy me about the money I spend at the grocery store. It is not like I am buying a lot of meat and expensive things. I buy only basics and very little meat at all. Heck as a vegetarian I rarely think of it, but know that Greg and the children should have it a once a week. Anyway I am still trying to figure out what kind of job I can get. It has to be at night when Greg is home. The blinkies are just not paying anything as of late.

On a positive note I am up to Deuteronomy in the bible.

Ugh...

2009-03-09T07:48:00.001-07:00

Lara has been in a funky mood. One minuet she is happy, the next she is creaming, the next she is all melancholy. She has been more melancholy than anything else and very clingy to me. She still hates school and hits Greg as he tries to get her dressed and ready for school. So as of late I rush to get dressed so I can get her ready. She also now keeps her hand in front of her mouth 24/7. It used to be only when she was sleepy, but now it is all the time even when eating. She manages to maneuver her food in but in takes a long time. We think this is all side effects of her meds. At least her cold/virus is finally gone.

Anthony is better now too, but is very clingy like his sister. Today he just wanted to snuggle with me. I wish I could but I have laundry to do. Now he is watching a DVD in my bed so I have time to type. Later on I will snuggle with him.

I had an awful week with Cornerstone. The woman who was head of the dining room is a total loon! She came and took the bags she dumped on me later on Tuesday afternoon. Both children were ill and in the living room so she did not come in the house. I actually never gave her the opportunity as I stood in the barely opened door and did not invite her in. Greg grabbed the bags and handed them to her, but even then she was not nice saying there were more. I guess she expected him to take it all in one load but she had to wait. She told me then she didn’t want to deal with me at all from then on. I wasn’t sure what to do so I called the head of the retreat and talked with her. That woman ended up repaying me the bill and calming me down, as at that point I was all shaking and upset. I ended up agreeing to drop off the things I made and then go to another section of the retreat. When I got there though Loon was acting like nothing happened between us. I stayed on dining room and that was a mistake. She was nice at first but as the day progressed she became more and more nasty. She would give me a task and when I finished if she was busy I would help in another area. Well she would snip at me saying we all had to do our own jobs and not to help. If I interrupted her she would say she had to finish what she was doing first. If I waited she would complain I wasn’t working. The woman is a total loon! We had so many meetings during the day it is pathetic. At one point we had fifteen minutes left and we had to put out the nick knacks. Well she wanted a meeting to decode the exact space to put them! No one cared; all we wanted was to finish the job. Who cares if it was one inch or two from the fork? Later on during clean up she was just nasty all the time. She was saying if I didn’t get done I wouldn’t be able to go to the closing mass. I kept on saying I had to as I was in the choir but she just didn’t get it. So when the time came I just left. Actually another Cornerstone member told me I should do that. She was nasty to everyone and we were all tired of it. Another dining room member told me she was thinking of leaving the group because of Loon. I am not sure if I will stay either. The kitchen people were so nice though. I heard the leader all day thanking her crew, smiling and acting nice. Then when they ate she gave a beautiful speech on how well they did. Loon did nothing like that for us.

My parents watched the children both Friday and Saturday. The children were mellow so they did not do much with them. Greg went on a company dinner on Friday. With times as they are the socialization is a must. You want to be a face with a name and family and not just a name on a piece of paper. KWIM? It is easy to fire a name on a piece of paper, but hard to fire a face with a dependent wife and two small children to support. On Saturday he worked in the theatre’s box office. Greg is being bad again about waking up. He overslept yesterday and today. I just do not know what to do.

My Sarcoidosis is about the same, no change. My midriff still hurts all day and gets worse at night. I over did it with the Cornerstone set up and so am in pain. Yesterday when I dropped Lara off for CCD I found out that Cornerstone had left all the clocks covered so I uncovered them. So now I am achy over that. They were covered so that the candidates couldn’t stare at the clock seeing how much time was left on their 26 hour retreat. I also think I am getting a cold as I am cold all over today, but then again it is rainy and this kind of weather just shivers me to the bone even when I am OK. The Lental fast is going OK. I have one meal a day at dinner time with the family. I have a cup of coffee in the morning and if I start getting tired I have a diet soda to boost me up.

For lent this year I decided instead of giving something up I was going to do something. So I am reading the bible from cover to cover. I am only up to the Exodus now as I am a slow reader. I am no longer a host at FF. It was getting to be a pain, as they wanted me to write a report at the end of every month. I did write one but they never responded to me. The set up was every month my member ship would expire unless they renewed it. Well they never responded on renewed my membership and it expired. So I bought the pregnancy cheap $10 one. I mean for $10 a year I was expected to be on line and helping 24/7? I can’t even figure out how much my hourly wages would be but it was well under a penny! I think my work is more worthy than that!

Life goes on...

2009-03-05T08:26:00.000-08:00

Lara is now on a new drug called Vyvance. She was sick all of last week and missed a lot of school. She was coughing and running huge temperatures of around 103-104. By Friday she seemed to be coming down, but on the weekend she got worse. This week she missed Monday because of a snow day. Tuesday we kept her home because Monday she had a fever of 101. The school wants them out the day after they have a temperature over 100. Finally yesterday (Wednesday) she went back to school but got sick so I took her home at 9:30. Her doctor said her new meds had to be given in capsule form or opened up in water only. She also has to have food with it. Well she refuses to take it in water so we gave it to her in capsule form. She refused so I had to force it in her. I put it back on her tongue until her swallowing reflux took over. I was taught that by a vet when I had to give pills to my cat. Anyway needless to say she screamed at me and was very upset and was crying and yelling on how awful a mommy I am. Shortly after going to school she threw up. I asked the nurse what to do and she said I could put it in food so today I put it in pudding and she ate it, but again she yelled and cried afterward and called ma a mean mommy. She still has a cough today so not sure when I will be called to take her home.

Anthony is ill and has been since Friday. He spiked some scary temperatures this past weekend of 104-105. I took him to the doctor on Monday and was told it was a virus and to wait it out. Today his fever is low grade so I think he is coming out of it. He still has a cough though. He is bored at staying at home but I can’t take him out now that he is so sick. Even though his fever is low grade I want to keep him in a day or so more to keep it tat way.

I still have pain in the mid drift and am tired all the time. I am trying to fast for lent but it is hard this year. My lent fast means that I eat one meal a day. Usually I only have a cup of coffee in the morning and water throughout the day, but this year I am having soda as well to get some sugar during the day. I have to find a new doctor as this is just too much. Also Greg is pressuring me to get a job, as the bills are not getting paid. I just don’t know when I can work. The only time that I could go is when Greg is at home so I have to see what kind of night job I can get.

I went away last weekend on a religious retreat with Greg. The children stayed across the street with their Poppy and Aunt Debbie. They had quite a handful on the weekend with the two of them getting sick. They called us when Anthony had the 105 temperature but after giving Motrin it quickly went down. The weekend was good. We got a chance to be away from the children and learned a lot about our faith. Some I had already known, but some was new. They did a lot of the background of the last supper and how it intertwines with the Passover Seder. I had already been to a Seder so I already knew that stuff. A lot of people were not that familiar with it so it was good that they taught it. I had bought bibles for Greg and I before going. I bought a bible and separate cover for Greg. The cover is black and has a handle and pocket, and is about 10”x 7”. Mine is smaller about 8”x5”. It is green and has a self zipper cover. Both are the American St. Josephs edition. I started reading mine on the weekend and am up to Joseph in Egypt. I like to read a little everyday. Everything was calm on the retreat but coming home was awful.

When we got home both children had fevers. Lara had 103 and Anthony had 104. We took them home in their PJ’s. Good thing we only had to cross the street. Then when I got home a member of a church group “Cornerstone” had multiple messages for me. Apparently she thought we were meeting on Saturday morning and she was angry I didn’t show up. She left messages throughout the day. She finally dumped bags of curtains on my stoop and left a message for me to open my door and get it. She must have thought I was screening all her calls and was home. She said she know we were home because the mini van was in the drive way. Well we took Greg’s car, and the children being so sick stayed in their Poppy’s house all weekend so where would the mini van go? Anyway my FIL saw the pile and brought it in the house as nothing says no one is home like a pile of junk on your stoop. So she comes by later and sees the stuff gone and then calls again at 11:30 PM to yell at me as she now knows I am home as how else could the pile move? She got cut off after yelling the maximum time for a message. She called right back and before she could say much the time was full and again she got cut off. So she probably thinks I hung up on her. At any rate she is mad at me even now as I told her I was not measuring the curtains that I never said that I would so she came and picked them up. I am just so upset by that. I went to reconciliation last night and am trying to get rid of that time and give it to God. It is hard though.

This weekend is the Cornerstone 26 hour retreat. I am supposed to work with the woman that dumped the stuff on my stoop but I called the leader and she will have me do something else. Greg will be home with the children for the most past and my parents will baby-sit when he has to go out. I have no idea now how long I will be there at the retreat, as I do not know what I am doing. I was on the dining room committee and so made some nick knacks for the candidates. I put together 83 angel pins and nine bookmarks. The book marks were a bit complicated and I used my jewelry making skills with that one. The pins were just time consuming. I also went to the cafeteria and measured out the room and made a floor plan to scale at home. I am not going to be on ding room again as none of this seems to be appreciated by that woman.

Greg is not changed much. Today he still hits the snooze alarm to death. I finally yelled at him and he got up but then he was mad at me because I accidentally scratched him. He is such a baby sometimes! Right now I feel like I have three children and Greg is the baby of the family.

I have not heard about the boy yet. I am praying that no new is good news. During the retreat we all prayed for him a couple of times.

Why???????

2009-02-24T08:15:00.001-08:00

I am so angry and so bitter today. I question why things happen and what is in God’s plan for all of us. I have been praying for a very dear little boy who was abused by his mother’s boyfriend and her father. The mother turned blind eye to all. He has severe head trauma and has been fighting for his life since August. He has been such a brave little boy, but he is weakening and does not have long to live. Why does God allow this? Why can’t this little boy have a happy life? How can his mother the one person who was the closest he could ever get to another human being turn on him so? She carried him in her uterus, shared her nourishment and body with him for nine months. How could she do this to him? He is a precious gift from God and she destroyed him. I can not describe the depth of hatred I feel towards this woman I have never met. I feel genuine hate for her. I feel so helpless and want to be of help. All I can do is pray to God that a miracle occurs and he not only survives but has a happy life.

Sigh...

2009-02-20T09:35:00.001-08:00

I have to go back to the hospital and get the MRI films and deliver them to the city. I have been putting that off for some reason. I am still feeling tired and depressed. Sad to say I had a couple of nights where I drank before going to bed and had too much and pissed off Greg. I felt so bad the next day for not spending the time with the children. I just feel so sick I just wanted to sleep soundly and be pain free.
Lara is showing no signs of improvement with her meds and so Greg wants to up the dosage. He is calling the doctor today. She just can’t concentrate anymore and her habits are getting worse. She has her hand on her mouth 24/7 now. Even when eating she takes a bite and then quickly covers her mouth. As a result her face is all broken out. She is also doing that clapping thing more and more and doing repetitive baby talk. She can’t seem to control any of this. It has been a steady increase so we have ruled out this as a side effect of the meds she is taking.
Anthony is getting clingy and loves spending our time in the day when both Greg and Lara are gone. He gets to watch his DVD’s, play games, shop and just hang out with me. When the weather allows we will go for walks. I think I am going to miss him when he goes to school next year. I will be all alone then. I have never been alone in the house ever.
Greg says he wants to get closer to me but then he stays away. Last night we watched TV on his laptop in our bedroom. It was last week’s episode of “Doll House” so we had to watch it on the computer. Anyway when it was done he went into the living room and watched old episodes of “Lost”. I didn’t wake up when he came back but I just know it was the usual 5 AM. How can we fix things if he can’t even be in the same room with me? This whole thing with “Lost” is a bunch of bunk. He finds a show that is already in say season five and then starts from day one and has to catch up with his lap top in the living room. He is still on season one of “Lost”. He did this in the fall with “Desperate Housewives”. I told him about this today but he denies he is doing it. Needless to say we have no chance in you know what to ever have a baby. Unless it is spontaneous conception which is theoretically possible, but has never been recorded.

Life goes on...

2009-02-12T07:52:00.000-08:00

I had my MRIs done yesterday at an offshoot of the hospital so no waiting. When I went last week I was told there was a two hour delay due to cases in the ER. Since we had Lara with us we had to reschedule as it was 6:30 PM and she had yet to have her dinner. We brought snacks to keep her until say seven but the two hour delay was just too much. So I had it yesterday and it was long as I had two different areas done as well as contrast. After my IV site bleed out all over my sleeve when they removed the IV. I never had that happen before. I am grateful I was wearing a dark grey sweatshirt and not a white sweater. Anyway I still am feeling tired and depressed and have that constant ache that turns into pain the first thing in the morning. I also just feel week all the time. I am wrapping myself in a prayer shall to get better. I do feel better in it.

Lara is just going down hill by the minute. We are going to start her on drugs which I did not want to do but she is definitely showing not only ADD symptoms but Autism as well. She has repetitive speech and inappropriate facial gestures. She is also doing this clapping thing that I have only seen with the autistics client of the Developmentally Disabled adult organization that I used to work with. She also is doing a repetitive speech patter i.e.: “Mommy, Daddy” again something I have only seen with autistic cliental. So I am positive she is on the spectrum. I just don’t know her exact position and from what the neurologist said we may never know as she thinks she is on the high end so to determine Asperger’s or OCD is a tough call although she did not see the clapping or repetitive speech while we were there and I forgot to mention it. We have a follow up in two weeks and I will tell her then.

Anthony is now imitating Lara, as he wants the attention. He is also saying he does not want to go to school next year and wants to stay home with me. I hope he is better with school than Lara. I just don’t know if I can handle two dramatic separation scenes every day Monday-Friday. So I am dreading school as well. It is also very expensive as it is 3,000 a year for half days. So it is ten months of $300. I just do not know where we are going to get the money. The only way I can think of is for me to get a job at night when Greg is home. I just don’t know where to start looking.

Greg is his usual self and getting on my nerves. Yesterday he worked at home so limited computer for me as he thinks my keyboard is too loud. He uses a lap top for his work and works in the same room as my computer as his phone is there and he needs it to work. Later on he took over my computer to buy my Valentine’s Day gift. I am 99.9% sure it is lingerie from Victoria’s Secret. Not looking forward to getting that as I hate lingerie and I hate Victoria’s Secret. I think they set up there mannequins like sluts around here. I mean one was bent over in such a way it was verging on porn with another standing right behind her! Anyway needless to say I hate that company so I am going to have to really use my acting skills on Saturday! Right now I am also thinking that giving me lingerie is like giving skiing equipment to a nomad in the Sahara!

Still not comfortable with no more babies. I get sad when I think about it.

Taking a number...

2009-02-05T07:15:00.001-08:00

I was supposed to get two MRIs yesterday. We left Anthony with his Poppy and took Lara with us. I had scheduled one at 5:45 and one at 6:15. We got there at 5:30. Well we waited and waited. By 6:25 I was getting a bit miffed so I asked how much longer it was going to be. They told me “a short time they are a little behind”. When I asked what exactly a “little time” was they called the techs. Turns out they had an estimated hour and a half more for me to wait as they had someone in there and there was another person from the ER that had priority over me. So I told them I would reschedule as I just was not going to wait that long. After all my 6 year old daughter was with us and had not had diner yet. We brought crackers but I didn’t want her to wait until I was done. I would not get in until minimum 8 PM. Then I had a good hour or so of imaging to do so the earliest we would leave would be 9 PM. They should have told me when I checked in that it was so far behind. I just know if I had waited it would have ended up being longer than an hour and a half. Usually around here you can safely double that. I just don’t think the medical world gives a hoot about us sometimes. I feel like we should just take a number, step aside, and die in silence. KWIM?

Beachcomber...

2009-02-04T10:33:00.000-08:00

How can I contact you?

I missed you. Long time no see.

Not so good...

2009-02-04T08:57:00.000-08:00

Things have been negative and so I really don’t like to post about it much. My Pulmonologist eventually called back to just repeat that my lymph nodes were OK. I doubt anyone looked at my lungs. He probably just read the report from the hospital and the hospital probably only looked at my lymph nodes, as that was the problem back in June when I had my first CT scan there. I am in pain pretty much all the time now. A constant dull ache that is sharper in the morning or when it is snowing out. I love the snow because it is so pretty but the pain is not good. I have a couple of MRI’s tonight to look at my optic nerve and the growth to make sure it is gone. Unlike the Pulmonologist the Ophthalmologist wants the actual films so he can see what is wrong. He does not trust the hospital readings as the other one does for a good reason they got it wrong the last time.
We have been going to an adult CCD class a couple of nights a week to try to get closer to God and help our relationship. Greg goes but I am not sure if he is getting anything out of it. They give babysitting while there and the children love playing there so they are having a great time. I just hope it can save the marriage as we are just not doing well and my illness is not helping at all.

Lara continues to have accidents at school. Last Friday she must have changed her pants and not her underwear. She came home with different pants on but the same underwear. Also the pants we sent her in were gone as well as the change of underwear. She told us she couldn’t remember of she changed her pants that day. Now no one can find her clothes anywhere so we are getting a bit miffed at the school for giving us no help.

Anthony is signed up for school next year and I pray we find a way to pay for it. He will be is transitional pre school. This is a set up for children that will be five before December 31, 2009. Kindergarten has a cut off of October 1, 2009 so he misses that by nine days. So for this class he will be one of the older children but not as severe as say pre k 4 that has children turning 4 by October 1, 2009. He will be in school M-F 12:30- 2:45 so if I get a job it can not be while he is in school. It will have to be at night when Greg is at home.

I think My TTC journey is over sad to say. I am not at peace with that but have to face it. Last cycle I had a 22 day cycle! The one before that was 41 days! And the one before that was 23 days! So this cycle will probably be a super long one if I stay on pattern! I am also just cranky all the time as well as tired. Getting out of bed is a challenge that I do not always make. I just can’t deal anymore and have had a couple of drinks which makes Greg mad at me. Also I am having problems with FF and my role here. I feel I do a lot and all I am asking in return is membership. That amounts to anywhere between 10-45 US dollars a year. Apparently this is something they feel my work is not worth. I really feel like I am not asking a lot as it comes to pennies a day for hours of work I do. So I am a bit depressed. With all this snow we have been having Greg has been working at home. With him at home it is hard to go on line ass he nags me that my keyboard is too loud for him. He also wants me to spend more time with Anthony.

Not doing well...

2009-01-25T14:36:00.000-08:00

I am not feeling well and get so tired so fast it is pathetic. Greg and the children are getting on my nerves so easily. Greg was on call so only Lara and I went to church today. Greg went yesterday morning with her as his mother was mentioned in prayer. Heck I was even ticked off at church today when they had post cards they asked us to fill out to send to the senate. I just don’t want to mix church and state, period. I got so mad I almost walked out but stopped myself, as Lara had to go to CCD after the service. Anyway I am still in pain as well and like I said very cranky. Seems the more I try to do the more is expected. I keep a stiff upper lip only to be asked what for dinner, or where the clean clothes are, etc. I made a blinkie and it is true Sarcoidosis sucks.

No answers in sight...

2009-01-19T11:00:00.001-08:00

Lara has a three day weekend so no school problems yet this week. She is being so bad with the bathroom. She pooped in her pants this morning and just didn’t care. Anthony cared more than she did. Anthony is not doing well with the toilet also so I am thinking it is something I am not doing right. I must suck at toilet training. At this point I wish there was a school we could send them to. Maybe a toilet boot camp?

Greg has lightened up a bit with me as he can see how sick I feel now. He does want me to handle the pre school registration so I have to look that up later on today.

I gave my Pulmonologist a call to see what the results were of the CT. I thought was going to finally addressing my pain with a CT scan of my torso. All I got though was that my lymph nodes showed “slight improvement” what every that means. So he is not addressing me pain in my mid drift. I also got no report on my lungs even though I am coughing all the time and feel pressure there. Also as a singer I can tell when my volume of air is down so I know something is wrong with my lungs. I called the doctor twice last week and he never called back. His nurse called once with the great news of my lymph node. I told her my problem was in my lung and mid drift but she refused to listen saying the lymph node was the same thing. I mean are we all so dumb we thing the lung and lymph node is the same thing because they are both in the chest cavity? Can’t some of us feel the difference between the two? At this point I am just so frustrated and just don’t know what to do. I am tired all the time and to do anything is an effort that is worthy of a 90 year old, not a 45 year old adult. I just want to be in bed and asleep all day long. This past weekend it was OK. We did manage to go out to breakfast on Saturday morning with Greg’s sister and dad. I was feeling really bad but tried to keep a stiff upper lip so to say. Later on we went to a SIL’s birthday party as she turns 50 this Tuesday. It was at their house so it was manageable. They have a beautiful place that they just bought on a lake. Their neighbors came by snowmobiles that they drove on the lake! They place is just gorgeous and I told them I am running away to their place this summer to get away from Greg and the children. I looked for a Sarcoidosis site and found a place I can ask questions. I posted about my pain there and I am happy I found that site. I feel less of a whining, hypersensitive freak. Heck at this point I am getting more medical help from “House” than any doctor around here.

Not menopause!...

2009-01-14T06:48:00.000-08:00

My period finally arrived on Friday so that is good. That made it a 41 day cycle and the longest I have ever had. I think that is a sign that the end of my fertility is nearing me. Not sure how I feel about that. I am just in general not feeling very well at all. I am tired all the time. I take vitamins and am able to eat but my energy and mood are both low. It is hard to get the energy to go on line so I have not been on the computer very much. I am supposed to be a host at FF but can not get on a lot so that will probably end this month. I have to call my doctor today about the CT scan last week, as I have not received a call from him. The pain is constant around my mid drift and chest. It is a constant dull pain. I am just so sick of being sick all the time.
The children are OK. Lara still hates to go to school and is having problems staying dry. We stayed in this past weekend due to a snow storm and she was wetting herself a lot to the point we put her in a pull up in the day time. We have to get her back to the neurologist to see what she says about all of this. Anthony is going to the toilet more and more but only pees so far. He tells us after he poops but not when he has to go. Both want to go on the computer and play in the Disney site so I loose out on computer time. Anthony wants to go online during the day and is complaining even as I type this. Lara wants to go online after dinner so between the two of them there is hardly time for me to go on line. They are both good at the games and it is good practice for them. They are learning how to use the mouse and simple keyboard skills so it is a good thing that they go online.
Greg has not been so bad as of late. Last night we both made dinner so it was a bit late but good. After we bathed the children as it had been awhile with me ill. Most night I want to go to bed early and Greg stays up with the children. I am so tired it is easy to go to sleep but hard to wake up in the morning as I am tired and my midriff pain is sharp then. I just don’t see an end in sight with this and feel I am in a big hole. Financially we are struggling to and only paid a portion of our property taxes, as they are insane here. We pay more for our little property measured by felt than my parents and brothers that measure by the acre! My parents have ¾ acre and pay less than our less than 1/8 acre property. That just does not make sense to me.

Menopause??? What next?????

2009-01-08T14:53:00.000-08:00

I am not feeling well at all. I had a chest CT scam yesterday to see if the Sarcoidosis is in my lungs now and is the cause of the pain. My mid drift hurts too and it is hard to go to sleep. Wine helps but Greg complains about the smell, as he hates wine. So if I have wine I have to hear whine as well. Anywho I also have to face the fact that a third child just wasn’t in god’s plans. I am now on CD 40 and no AF in sight. I know I am not pregnant so it must be menopause. Maybe with me my cycles just shut off at once?

Doing the art work keeps my mind off of my body so that is good. I just finished a huge group’s blinkie with 107 photos! At first they were in the order of when they were submitted but then I was asked to alphabetize them and so did. It took a long time to do, as I had to crop the photos out and save them in separate files labeled A,B,C, etc. Anywho it took a long time and so now Greg wants me off of the computer.

The Holidays...

2009-01-05T09:02:00.000-08:00

Well we all had a great Christmas. We managed to put some things under our tree and exchanged gifts with the rest of the family as well. We used some old gift cards that we had so some of the presents cost us nothing. We still managed to spend too much and now can’t pay all the credit card bills. The taxes are also way overdue and so I worry we could loose the house. The children had a lot of fun though and it was great seeing my brothers and their families. Greg’s sister though went overboard and even though she agreed to two presents each she bought seven each! I am a bit ticked by that as she just ignores what we want and does as she pleases. We really want to keep Christmas simple and less greedy mass opening of presents and she just spits in our faces when she does that. The rest of the day was good though. We served hors d'oeuvres at out house to FIL and SIL. Then went to my brother’s house in Putnam Valley and saw my family and my brother’s in-laws there. We all get along great and so it is like one big family.

Greg took off of work and so we spent a good amount of time at home this past week. We played board games a couple of days and others we just hung out together. We went to see “Bolt” at the movies one day at the 10 AM show. We had a fire alarm unfortunately and so am a bit ticked about that. At this theatre we have only seen four movies. During these movies we had two fire alarms and one child alert. So we only got to see one movie without interruption. I think a 25% success rate is pretty darn low. I can’t remember ever having either one of those in other movies ever. Anyway New Years was quiet here. There was snow that day so most stayed at home. We toasted with alcohol removed champagne. The children feel asleep before midnight and so we just went in and kissed them at the New Year.

Today all is back to usual. Greg is back at work and Lara is back at school. It was hard getting ready today as we are all spoiled from sleeping in. Anthony was the only lucky one and just got up at the crack of 10:30! I had a hard time getting out of bed due to my illness. I just don’t feel good in the mornings anymore. I am tired and nauseas. Half the time I can’t even face my beloved coffee, so I know I am ill when that happens. I am having mid drift pain as well that is rather sharp at times. I saw my Pulmonologist last week and he was not happy that I stopped the steroids. He said he was anxious to find out what the other doctors says about tat and what drug he will give me now. So it looks like the NYC optic neurologist is the leader and the Pulmonologist is the secondary at this point. Nothing new on the TTC side as we did nothing this month so I am just waiting for the hag to show up.

Still sick...

2008-12-22T07:36:00.001-08:00

I am not feeling well at all and mostly stay in bed. I don’t want to go anywhere when ill. We did manage to get out for fun on Saturday. We went to New York City to see Santa at my FIL’s old firehouse. I thought we were just going to see Santa, stay awhile and go. There was more to it though and so was an entire party with toms of food, a hired carriage that took us around the block for free. It was hired by the fire house for three hours so all could take a ride, and was defiantly used. Greg had never been on a carriage so it was special for him. This was more of a cart than a carriage and was very fun. They also had a choir and a magician that was entertaining. The children had al lot of fun. Also my FIL was just grinning from ear to ear. I have never seen him so happy before. Usually it is hard to say what he is feeling and Greg has to translate to me, but I knew how much fun he was having. Also he grew up in the neighborhood and pointed out where he lived as a child (building gone though) and when he was first married (building still there). We were supposed to go to my brothers after but it ended later than we thought and the roads were so bad we skipped that party. Also my brother said it was going to break up before we got there so we just went home. Probably better in the long run with the bad roads.

Sunday we stayed at home as the storm made driving bad. I just will not go out with the children when the roads are bad. Nothing is worth it. We can make do with what we have here, and I know god does not want us to risk our children’s future to go to mass. I worked with Developmentally Disabled adults that became that way after a car accident as a small child, so I know first hand what can go wrong. Sad thing is they also knew they were normal before the accidents and are angry that it happened. So I stay at home in bad weather.

Lara once again put up a fuss about going to school today. She only has a full day today and a half day tomorrow, but she doesn’t even want to do that. Her behavior is getting worse. She now even poops in her pants on the weekend whether she is in a pull up or underwear. She has a lot more baby noises now too. All of this just points to Asperger’s to me as I dealt with that when I worked with the developmentally disabled adults. I just don’t know what to do. On one hand I do not want to baby her, but on the other I do not want to be too hard on her either. I have to walk a fine line.

Anthony is doing well. He is building all kinds of elaborate roads and buildings with his Lego’s. He made a building yesterday that looks like the Empire State building. We have seen Elf a few times this past week and so I think he got it from the movie. I was impressed of how well he did it. He was playing on a piano on Saturday at the party and sounding fairly well. He might have a knack for music and so I will take down my old organ and let him at it. We try not to praise him too much as Lara gets jealous.

Greg is OK. He was good this weekend and kept the children busy while I got thing done such as wrapping the presents. He also had to do all the shoveling, as I am ill. Usually I do that but not now that I am ill. My midriff really hurts now and my chest is as well. I do not want t see the doctor until after Christmas though. We have an appointment with the Pulmonologist on the thirtieth so I think I can hold off until then. No TTCing this cycle as I ma just too ill. I didn’t even bother to record the EWCM or anything. My finger is also hurting me. I poked it with a needle while mending pants on Friday and now I have this painful bubble on the tip. It hurts all the time and especially when I tough things with it. Not sure what it is, but it sure does hurt.

Sick and tired....

2008-12-15T08:13:00.001-08:00

We are all sick here except Lara. Anthony and I have it the worse. I feel so bad today I just didn’t want to get up. Anthony was up in the middle of the night crying for me. We got him in bed with us and he was so hot. We gave him Motrin which seemed to make him feel better as he fell asleep. He mumbled as he did though saying all kinds of strange things.

The Sarcoidosis is bothering me, as my mid drift is hurting. I am also hoping that the cough I have is from the cold and not the Sarcoidosis. Lara once again put up a fuss about going to school so I am hoping she has a good day despite that. I am just so tired and have so much to do I can’t focus on anything. Anthony is keeping me on my toes today!

Preparing for Christmas...

2008-12-11T08:13:00.001-08:00

The Christmas photo was taken Tuesday night. I gave the children an early dinner so we could get there fast. Didn’t really help as everyone including Greg dragged their feet in getting dressed to go. Greg had to change from his work clothes and dawdled at it, and the other two children were equally as slow. We did eventually get there. Then Lara shocked us as she started to cling to me and say she was shy. When it was our turn she cried! It took some time to get her to go on Santa’s lap. Anthony was fine the whole time and tried to make Lara feel better. I just don’t get it. She had already sat on Santa’s lap twice this year when we were at the mall. Both times she was happy and telling Santa what she wanted. This time when she was all dressed up she cried. Go figure. She is having problems at school.

We had a conference on Tuesday in the morning. There was the teacher, her special Ed teacher, the gym teacher, the nurse and the psychologist. They are concerned about Lara not staying with the group. She wanders away and does her own thing. She has also wet her pants six times this school year. Also when she does make it to the bathroom she takes a long time and can not button her pants. I can’t get pull up pants, as she is so thin they won’t stay up. I have to get jeans with the inner belt in a regular size so that they are baggy on her. That way the inner belt holds up the pants and she can just pull them up. She is going to start occupational therapy soon so I am hoping she will improve. She also won’t wipe herself after having a BM and this has become a real problem. I just do not know what to do with her. I just know all of this has to do with the Asperger’s that the neurologist talked about with us as a possibility. I think she has it.

Anthony is OK but refuses to go on the pot. What is it with my children and diapers? Why do they love them so? Occasionally Anthony will go on the pot but mostly he says after he has gone that he has gone. I am getting slower and slower on the changing’s as he does not like to be wet or dirty. Maybe that will help him. I do not want to go through the problems with him like I am with his sister. On the positive side he is building more and more complex structures. He loves to build. He also loves to watch the Leap frog DVD’s and is learning a lot from them.

Greg is the same. Always tired always falling asleep on the couch and not going to bed until just before he is supposed to wake up. I am still getting cramps. They were bad this morning but I managed to drive Lara to school. My mid drift is hurting as well, but my eye is still OK. I am getting more pain in my chest though. Again school is a half day and a cold rainy day as well so I am not going out except to get Lara. I do not like driving in the rain. The drivers here are bad enough on dry roads but in the rain they get worse. It just isn’t worth it to go out for anything. It can just wait until we can all be safe.

And so it goes...

2008-12-10T08:37:00.000-08:00

I am still getting the cramps in the morning, but they do not last throughout the day like they used to so I guess I am getting better. I am getting a cold so my throat is sore and I am all stuffy in my head. I have been dealing with all this other stuff I forgot that my immune system was down and that I can get a cold easier than most now. Not a good time of year to get sick as I have so much to do.
So as far as I am going my cramps are here, I get cramps in my legs at night, my mid drift is starting to hurt again, and I am getting a cold. I am positive if I were a horse I would have been shot by now.
Lara has half days this week so the teachers can have conferences. So that means less time to shop, as I can not take the two of them solo. They are just too much in the stores so I have to wait until she goes to full days again next week or go at night with Greg. Anthony is doing well. He got a haircut on Sunday from our friend who is a hair stylist. He cut it like one of the boys in “High School Musical” as he said it was the style all the boys want now. He looks cute in it. Gregory is the same. No change with him. I really doubt he will ever wake up on time in the morning so I will forever be rushed. We should start trying again but I am so tired.

Will it end?...

2008-12-08T06:46:00.001-08:00

The pain continued through the rest of last week and on the weekend as well. Sunday I was in pain and Greg woke up too late for us to both get ready for church so he took Lara solo. Later on Anthony got a hair cut. Lara goy jealous so our friend gave her a trim as well. He is nice and gives us a discount, as he knows money is tight for us. I told him about my Sarcoidosis, as it had been a while since we had talked and I find it awkward to talk about. KWIM? Saturday was the last dosage and I am still getting some pain but it is tapering off. The doctor in NYC had told me to taper off to 5 milligrams and then keep at that until my appointment in January. I had no intentions though of doing that when he told me and after I got the pain I knew I wasn’t doing that. I wouldn’t go through Christmas with all that pain.

Lara is having problems in school and hates to go. Every day she asks if she has to go to school. If she does she screams that she hates it. We get a break on Saturday and Sunday as there is no school Saturday and she loves CCD on Sunday. Anthony is growing by the minute and is such a good boy when I am sick. He snuggles with me in bed when I can’t get up. I manage to get him his meal s though and do some things like laundry on the good days. I am hoping the pain goes away now that I stopped the medication.

Greg just gets on my nerves now. His memory is awful and I just don’t know if he cares. I always have to remind him that my stomach is hurting in the AM. We are constantly out of things because he refuses to write down on this list when he uses the last of something. He also refuses to get help for his problem. His solution is for is to go out for dinner and a movie! As if that can fix all of our problems. He keeps on saying money is tight and we can’t buy gifts so where would we get money for dinner and a movie? How could that possibly help us? I just do not get him sometimes! I am at CD 10 and so should start getting that cup filled again.

Yet more pain...

2008-12-05T06:18:00.000-08:00

These pills are really not good for me. Yesterday the Colitis was so bad I stayed in bed most of the day. I am grateful that my FIL was able to drive Lara to school, as I was a mess. I stayed in bed most of the day with Anthony snuggling with me. He is a good boy when I am sick and stays near me. Later on I was able to get up and then was able to drive Lara home, but I went to bed as soon as I got home. The children played in the living room then. When Greg got home I was still in bed. He just doesn’t get how much pain it is. He wanted to know what was for dinner! I mean WTF I am in bed all day with pain and he thinks I am cooking dinner? So he ordered a pizza, but then is upset when I tell him I am not eating. Again with abdominal pain eating is just something you don’t want to do. The only thing I can describe it as is in later labor when you are about 10 cm and wanting to push. While it is true I ate in early labor, by then I just wasn’t eating anything. But I actually did manage to have a slice as he made an issue out of it and then my children wanted me to eat as well. Then I went right to bed. So the children did not go to bed at their bed time. They all fell asleep on the couch. Greg had managed to put them in their PJ’s. I woke up to Anthony crying so I took him in bed with me. Later on I heard Lara crying and Greg took care of her. He woke up an hour late today so it was a hectic morning. I still have pain today but I can manage it. It is more like early labor when you first get the contractions. They come in waves far apart. Laundry is calling me.

Pain...

2008-12-01T05:46:00.001-08:00

Every morning now I get intense abdominal pain. I think the steroids are now affecting my colitis. That hasn’t reared its ugly head in years and I was hoping it never would. It has however and so I am really anxious to stop the steroids. I am only doing one week of the 5 milligrams and then stopping. If the doctors think I am taking 5 milligrams forever than they just don’t know me at all. Which they don’t but soon they will. I am not taking ling term meds. I just can’t take the pain that long.

Thanksgiving...

2008-11-30T10:01:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving was a lot of work. I set the table the night before and set up my vegetables as well. The children were with me so between hunting down all the chairs, place settings, decorations, etc as well as cooking and trying to keep the children contained in the TV room it was tiring. By the time I got home I was ready for bed. Thanksgiving went well except my eldest brother tossed away a lot of the leftovers. So I relieved him of his job and took over dishwashing. It was a lot of work, but I wanted to do it like my mom did. I just don’t get my SIL’s later on they wanted to use paper plates for dessert! I mean WTF it is a holiday. I insisted on regular plates and said I would wash them myself. Actually another SIL did that so I was spared. Most left after dessert. Greg and I stayed behind and emptied the dishwasher and cleaned the crystal by hand and out it away. Today I have to go back and do the linens.

The Sarcoidosis is on the move I think. I feel more pain in my chest so I think it is moving to my lung. I am also having my colitis attacks again. It started the day after Thanksgiving and I have had it every morning since then. Today my abdomen is in a lot of pain so no church for me. I am hoping it eases off so I can get to the laundry at my mom and dads house.

We have started shopping for Christmas and bought a couple of games for the children. They were on sale at target for $4. I got there early enough to get some. A lot were already gone, as some took cartful of them. I looked on e-bay and saw a lot of new auctions so I know where they went. We bought some presents with a gift card we got last year so that saved us a lot. We rarely use gift cards. It is just usually at stores we never shop at or is hard to get to. This one was for Linen and Things which is in a bad spot here and always has a ton of traffic. It is going out of business though and so most is at 50% off. We got some nice things there for my brothers/wives.

The hag visited me early yesterday morning! Oh well. I really don’t think I am having another baby. I am very sad over this. My heart is breaking at the thought of not having another baby. I am doing a baby blinkie for a group on the pregnant side of FF. The babies are cute and I enjoy doing it. My heart does break though thinking about that I will never have another. I try not to think about it, but I just can’t help it. It used to be only the angel blinkies made me cry. Now the baby ones do too.

E-Bay...

2008-11-20T11:21:00.000-08:00

Well I am trying now to see my stuff on E-bay. I found out that some of my bears are selling a bit so I will list those shortly. I really don't want to but at this point I just have to. In the mean time I am selling my lights.

http://shop.ebay.com/merchant/slow-beans

I am "slow-beans" there because I used to buy Beanie Babies stuffed animals and I was always too slow to win the good auctions.

Sarcoidosis is touring again!...

2008-11-19T06:54:00.000-08:00

I saw my Pulmonologist yesterday and got the test results from last week. The good news is that as of date my liver has not gotten the Sarcoidosis. I am happy about that ass Greg told me that in 95% of cases it moves to the liver. Not sure what they can do about it then. The bad news was that my bone density is a tad bit on the low side. Not much but it is low. That is from the prednisone though and not the Sarcoidosis. So since I am weaning off of that and down to 15 milligrams now we will wait for me to wean off of it and test again. I do not want to take the meds for this, as it requires you to stand up for a half an hour after taking them or you throw up. I am already throwing up with the prednisone so I am not wanting to take this and throw up some more. Also the news was not good on my lungs. I do a test there every time I go and apparently the results show that the Sarcoidosis is moving into my lungs now. Nothing to bad as of yet but if I start coughing or wheezing I will have to start treatment. I am having pressure and discomfort that I thought was from my lymph node and the Sarcoidosis and dead tissue there but I think now it is from the lungs. This Sarcoidosis is just taking a tour of my body. It seems to be going from top to bottom so I am thinking I am not out of the woods with my liver getting affected. I think the doctor is on the same page, as he wants me to repeat my liver test every month.

On the lighter side. Lara is doing well at CCD class bit not at school. She hates it. She has also started to toss her sandwich in the garbage and then tell us it fell on the floor. Today I had a talk with her about wasting food and how if she does that we will not know she doesn’t like the food and so will continue to give it to her. Also I give her scrapes to the squirrels and they are hungry. The last part was the charm and sop she said she will not toss her food in the trash anymore. Anthony is doing well and growing every day into a little man. We are working on getting him off the diaper and on the pot. His daddy got him to stand to do his business and he is proud of that. The bedtime is going well. They both go to bed on time and Lara goes to sleep fairly quickly. Poor Anthony though is a night owl and I can hear him talking to his stuffed animals for a while after we have left the room. He does keep it down though so he is good about that as Lara can go to sleep. Greg and I continue to have stress over finances and medical bills, etc. He also just has these notions on what a wife and mother should be like that is based on his mom. I can’t talk about it as we lost her two years ago to cancer. He does though expect me to be a certain thing and I just am not like that at all. I just have to be true to me. KWIM? We are trying this cycle again with the instead cups. I do not think it could happen at this point with my age and health going against me. I am really just going through the motions at this point and not even temping.

Project Christmas.......

2008-11-18T09:17:00.000-08:00

I am hoping that I will earn enough money to get some presents for the family. So if you have enjoyed the art work I have done for you now is a great time to let it be known to me.

As for the Sarcoidosis? Today I get the results from, last weeks tests of my bone density and liver test. I should see if I am loosing bone density or if the Sarcoidosis has move to my liver yet. Hopefully it is not in my liver but the pain I get in my mid drift does not look good at all to me.

And so it goes...

2008-11-15T11:42:00.001-08:00

I saw the NYC doctor on Friday my prednisone is not going to be cut as fast as the original plan. Now he wants me to go by increments of five. So I will go from 20 milligrams to 15 then 12.5, 10, 7.5, 5, .5 then nothing. So it is a bit slower but there is only one week instead of two for each dose.

My eye can see fine now so that is good. My middle is getting the pain back again. When I woke up today I was in pain so that is not good. I just hope this does not mean that they Sarcoidosis has moved to my liver. It moves to the liver in 95% of patients according to Greg so that is a possibility. I also get pains in my chest so I am thinking that could be the lymph node acting up. This is just no fun.

Greg and I fought on Friday. He is upset about taking so many days off from work. I used up all his vacation days on my appointments. I thought he was using sick and personal but he used vacation. In his shoes I would have used sick and personal as it was no vacation. I just don’t get him. He also complained about how much we are spending on my medical bills. We had a big fight on that. Basically I told him that I will not go to another doctor then, but then he was mad for me throwing away my health and said he wants me to go. So what is left to do? Either way he is mad and I get mad at him for being mad at me. After all I didn’t ask for this and I did nothing to bring it on.

On the lighter side Lara and Anthony are both well and happy. Lara now likes to go to CCD class, but still hates to go to school. Anthony still doesn’t understand why he can’t go to “4 year old school” even though he is four. He just doesn’t get cut off date’s poor boy. They are both going to bed at 8 PM and staying there to get their stickers so that is working well. I am loving the bed times too as it gives me time to be alone. Greg and I still go our separate ways then so no couple time. He is just very whiney as of late. Today as I was baking cookies he whined that he wanted me to buy chocolate chip cookies instead to bake. He didn’t bather to check the oven as that is what I was making. Instead he just whined he wanted them. Ugh! He also whined about his cousin and I not talking to each other. I feel she should apologize for being rude that Christmas. After all she was the one that kicked me out of her house and as I was going physically attacked me.

Just a recap. I had asked my SIL if there was meat in these mushrooms she made. Well his cousin said that I should just eat the damn food without asking if everything has meat or not and if I didn’t like that rule I could get the hell out of her house. I am a vegetarian who is allergic to meat so I have to ask. So I got up to get my coat to leave. Well she came after me and grabbed me and said I was raised wrong. That I should just eat whatever was placed in front of me when a guest and not ask anything. I freed myself and yelled at her to leave me alone. I walked away and again she came after me. I called her rude and an anti Christmas spirit and she kicked at me. At this point Lara and Anthony were crying and Lara was trying to pull her away from me. Greg had grabbed Anthony, his sister got Lara, and his cousin’s husband got her. She told me the stress she was under making the dinner and that I should appreciate it and realize that she has all this stress that I knew nothing of. I ended up blurting out that I was having a miscarriage and so had stress of my own. She told me that my baby wasn’t the first baby in history to die and it was no big deal. We left in tears the lot of us with my FIL yelling at us that I had ruined his Christmas the first one he had since his wife died. Lara was crying she tried to protect me but she was too little. I haven’t been near her since and that was Christmas, 2006.

So Greg thinks I should call her. I think she should have called me since she was the instigator and the one that kept it going. She is having Thanksgiving and his dad is hinting we should stop by. Ummm not really what I want to do as I am sick enough these days without adding her to the mix. The thanksgiving at my parent’s house is coming together so that is good. I will just concentrate on that. Nothing in the TTC world yet.

Still ill.......

2008-11-12T13:51:00.001-08:00

For some reason I am feeling sick and tired all the time. Just a general feeling of ill health. My apatite is not great and I get full easily. So I am not eating that much. I am achy all over too which makes me just want to go to bed. I am also cranky and yell a lot so I am not fun to be around. I am hoping that by thanksgiving with my dose down to ten milligrams I will be better.

My three brothers and their families are getting together with us at my parents house on thanksgiving. An aunt from New Hampshire is also joining us as well as her son. So things are coming together and they are not going to a $100 a plate meal. I am bringing Brussels sprouts and peas/mushroom/onions. I will also set the table, as I know where everything is having done this for my mom for years now. We are getting everyone settled on what to bring. I hope it will work out well. One brother said he didn’t know how to make mashed potatoes and so wanted to bring those bud things. My aunt bailed him out and said he would do it. When I read his e-mail I just responded to boil some potatoes and then mash them. I am no help. Anywho I have to go to make dinner.

The Weekend...

2008-11-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

I managed to survive Lara’s four days off. Now she is back at school and really mad about that. She woke up this morning and asked first thing if it was a school day. When I said yes she screamed she was sick of school, that she had enough, and she was done with it. The morning went down hill from there. She hated everything and was just a grump. She also woke Anthony whom also became a grump.

Back to the weekend. Saturday we spent most of the day at home as Greg wanted to take care of the leaves in the front yard. After we went to go bowling as Lara had gotten five bedtime stickers and so wanted that as her treat. Well, when we got there we found out they didn’t take credit cards. Only cash and checks neither of which we had so we had to go. The children were not happy about that! So we bribed them with Friendlie's Ice Cream which worked.

Sunday was the usual church and CCD class. Then armed with cash we managed to scrape together we went back to bowling. We had a children’s lane with gutter guards up. Even then I didn’t make 100. I forget the score maybe 80 something? Anywho Greg won with a 114, and then it was me, then Lara and then Anthony. Greg looked like he knew bowling as he did all the right moves. I just went to the line and tried my best without any of the wind up. Lara went to the line and threw it right away so she is actually closer than me to this as I stop. Anthony goes to the line puts the ball on the floor and roils it. It takes forever to get to the pins but he actually got a strike and a spare during the game so it seems to work. Later on we visited my parents and I took my beanie bear collection with me. I wanted to sell them on E-Bay. Last night though I found out that they have no value anymore so I don’t think I will be selling them after all. I was hoping to get holiday money for them. As much as I didn’t want to sell them we just need money for Christmas. Well that is out and so I have to look to something else.

I E-mailed my brothers to see what plans are in the making for thanksgiving but no response yet. Found out last night that another poster here copied one of my blinkies and took away the writing. Then when another poster asked for a blinkie she added the phrase they wanted and posted it as her own work! Ugh the font was all blurry and off centered and she just made a mess of it. It bothered me that someone took my art work and just stole it. Then to top it off she did a bad job of remaking it. I know it should bother me but it really does. I mean I really put my heart into my work. She should have made her own.

Other than that I am just feeling run down and hung over today even though I didn't drink yesterday. I am also achy and was sick again last night. I have a bone density appointment this week and I also have to go to the city on Friday to the optic Neurologist. I am also very edgy and easily made upset. Anthony is driving me crazy today as he is still in a snit. I had a talk with Greg this morning but who knows if it sunk in. I basically told him I am not happy being sick and that I don’t appreciate him saying things when I do get sick. Like last night when he was asking me if I made sure I cleaned up everything I the bathroom after I threw up. I mean I would never say that to him. Who wants to throw up? I was feeling so ill after. He said he got it but I know next time he will say the same things.

Feeling Down...

2008-11-06T07:33:00.001-08:00

I am just a bit down about the Sarcoidosis. I guess I thought by this time I would be feeling all better and I am not. I was happy to drop the dosage down to twenty milligrams of prednisone as per the doctor. It didn’t do a lot though. For the first few days I was more tired, but still wired if that makes sense. Then on Tuesday after the children had been particularly troublesome at dinner I got really sick and barely made it to the bathroom before loosing it all. I think my mom calling me about thanksgiving right before dinner didn’t help make me any better either as I had an argument with her. She just doesn’t get that my brothers are going to do their own thing. Sure my brothers can say they will get together and everyone can make something, but their wives are the ones that rule the way with this stuff. They are on the fast track so to say and since they work have money to spend. So to them it makes sense to spend $100 a plate on a holiday rather then cooking and cleaning. After all that is what anyone that is anyone does in this fast track. We just don’t have the money to spend like that and actually even if we did I wouldn’t like it. I think that a holiday like thanksgiving should be spent at home. Not out at a fancy restaurant, but that is just me I guess. Anywho my brother’s wives will call this and we won’t get a call. KWIM? I still have a hard time going to sleep and once asleep cant stay that way. Greg said he was scheduling a bone scan but didn’t. I have yet to see a hematologist as well so nothing is going on now. The hematologist that was recommended was the same his mom saw. Well the last time she saw him he said she was doing better even though she said she felt worse. On the way home they went to the ER, as she really didn’t feel well. Seven days later she was gone, so we really don’t have faith in this doctor. He just wants to see as many patients as possible and get them in and out with very little time for each one. You know the type. The ones that are in it for the money only and not for say health care. He took a “Hypocrite oath”. So all of this is making me down.

Lara is home from school for the rest of the week so I have them for four days straight. I have to think of something fun to do with them. I started off well with pancakes that they both loved. We started a bed time at 8 this week and it is going over very well. They go to bed after getting their teeth brushed and their faces washed. They then get two stories and then they stay in bed. So far I have read the same book over and over again. It is “Fred And Ted Go Camping” by Peter Eastman, PD Eastman’s son. Anywho they really like it so I read it to the twice every night. They both like it so that is four readings a night. I know the book word by word now. Anywho if they stay in bed and quietly go to sleep in the morning they get a sticker on a chart. After five stickers they can get a treaty like an ice cream or small toy so they are excited about that. They actually say they want to go to bed! Also Greg and I get time to ourselves which so far means that Greg goes to sleep and I go to the computer. There is just no spark left. Greg just doesn’t act the same anymore. He complains when things are low like milk. Well he uses the milk too doesn’t he see it going down? He could have just picked some up on the way home. Why do I have to tell him to do it? Also he wants the bank problem fixed. So again it is my problem not our problem. I think this all stems from his parents taking care of all of this for him up to the day we were married. I mean Greg’s dad used to do his banking! He would deposit his checks so he had his own strange direct deposit! So now I am supposed to be like them. He also would complain about the stuff they bought and they would buy what he liked only. He was spoiled! Reality has hit him hard, as I don’t always buy just for him. He might prefer the size ten Barilla linguine but if it isn’t on sale he isn’t getting it. He is just going to have to settle with the sale stuff n the size that is available.

Well today I am 11 DPO so not much more time before I see if anything good has come of these drugs. Only time will tell now.

Voting Day...

2008-11-04T08:28:00.001-08:00

I already voted so that is done with. There was a small line but nothing big. I had to wait twice though as I never know what district I am in. Ugh my brain amazes me sometimes, and not in a good way. Anywho so the dye is cast so to say.

Lara is home from school today so we are going to try to do something fun. I am not feeling so well so I think the leaves raking is out. I think I might be able to entertain them with board games and cookie baking. Hopefully that will work.

I am just feeling very run down today. My mom called last night and told me that she is going to spend thanksgiving in Colorado with my brother Dan. Why she had to call me I don’t know. She could have waited on this. So there will be no Thanksgiving for us as my brothers the last time they did this went out to an expansive restaurant. They didn’t bother to invite us because it was over $100 a plate and they know we can’t afford to spend $400 on a dinner so they “spared” us. So kind right? So we went to his cousins, but that was weird, as they wanted to do a kiddy only table. Well I want to eat with my children and as they were the only children it seemed strange to have twenty on one table and two on the other. Also the table was a bar table with bar stool so it was four plus feet off of the floor! This was two years ago so Anthony was only two. They got mad at me when I said I thought it was not safe for him to be up that high. They just expected me to do whatever they wanted. That does not sit with me at all. First and foremost I am the mother and will do what I feel comfortable with, not what other want me to do. KWIM? Any who we will probably just have a meal here alone. Not sure what I will make as I am not making a turkey as only Greg and Anthony would eat it. Not to mention I am a vegetarian o I really don’t want to handle raw turkey. I really wish mom hadn’t called.

Off to entertain the children. Wish me luck.

My Weekend...

2008-11-04T07:44:00.000-08:00

Saturday went really well at the lunch and I had a great time. It was nice to meet my online buddies in person. The food was great and I ate everything. I even had desert which I rarely get. The best part of all was that I was able to hold it all down! This makes me think that maybe it is the tension of keeping the children at the table, etc that is making me ill after the meals at home. I am constantly trying to get them to behave and I think that in combo with the steroids is making too much stomach acid which makes me get sick. At any rate with a calm meal I kept it all down which hasn’t happened in a long time. Usually I loose something. Any who we got back late as it took two hours to get back home! It usually takes under 45 minutes. Greg’s sister Debbie was angry because she had to get ready to go out. Next time I will stick to getting my parents. I had my parents all set to sit, but then Greg said his sister was looking forward to sitting and we had to use her. So we had to use her but on her terms. With my parents we have more flexibility so we will go with them next time.

Sunday we had church and CCD class. We went to a garage sale by the KOC in our town. I picked up a couple of sweaters, a sweater for Lara, four books and some leaf crystal votive candle holders cost me $3! Later on I got Lara a Hula Hoop for 50 cents, and a board game of happy feet for a dolor. I wish the children had picked out their items faster we probably would have just paid the one $3 for all, but it was still cheap so I really can’t complain. Later on I took all the Halloween decorations down and put up the Thanksgiving ones. I switched my holiday earring to Thanksgiving too. Then Lara went bike riding. The children and Greg had dinner and hung out for the rest of the night. Greg was ticking me off by correcting everything I said so I just went and did some computer graphics. Had a glass of wine when I was done and went to bed.

Lara did not want to go to school today but it is a short week so it will not be too bad. She is of tomorrow, in on Wednesday and then off Thursday and Friday. I have no clue what to do with them but it has to be fun. I am thinking of raking leaves and having them jump in them. That is something they love to do and involves no travel. Plus we get the lawn cleaned up! A win win situation. I am in the two week wait so nothing to do there but, um, you know……wait.

I was giving Anthony lunch on our living room couch about an hour ago. I give it to him there so he and I can watch TV. He asks out of the clear blue “Momma why aren’t you having another baby?”. So I told him that we were trying and that it is up to God if we are going to have another baby at this point. So he says, “Maybe you are not pushing hard enough?”. With this he leans back and opens his legs apart and grunts saying “push, push”. He then tells me all I have to do is push harder. He looked like a woman giving birth, as he was semi reclined and pushing his torso through his legs. Maybe I have been watching too much baby TV? I can’t remember the last time I saw “Baby Story” it has to be a good year ago.

Lunch date!!!

2008-11-01T07:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was very busy as it was also laundry day. So I did all the laundry, baked cookies (they were in a package but I cut them in half and added my own frosting to make “Oreos”) baked pumpkin seeds and got the children ready for the holiday. Lara went to school as usual and Greg worked at home. I picked Lara up for lunch, fed her and got her back to school for a costume parade. My parents came down to see it and to spend time with us. My dad was edgy to get back to his leaf raking though. Anyway after the parade Lara had her party at school and we went home. After school we spent time all together before my parents left to go home for dinner and leaf raking. Anthony was a bumble bee, Lara and I were lady bugs and Greg was “Father Guido” from “Saturday Night Live”. We were an interesting group. We went Trick or Treating at about six. We only went to about half our block and finished at seven. The last house was Greg’s dads house were we spent a lot of time. I left to check on the candy left at our door and there was a huge group that hadn’t seen the bowl so I am glad I go there when I did. I gave out the candy and they all said they liked my decorations. I have a lot of lights up. A car even stopped in the street and said nice decorations! After that I stayed at home and gave out candy and we had a lot of Trick or Treaters this year so it was fun.

Today I have the lunch with the ladies in the big city. I am excited and nervous at the same time as I rarely go to New York City. I feel like such a country bumpkin there, and am still affected by 9/11 so I just usually dint go there. Greg’s sister and dad will watch the children while we are out. His sister has games planned and lunch all set up so they should have a good time as well.

Hallows Eve...

2008-10-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

We carved a pumpkin finally yesterday. I wanted to go to a street that gets all decked out for Halloween but was out voted. Today I am going to just hang with Anthony and maybe get another pumpkin as his favorite design was nixed by Lara and Greg. They wanted a scary face and Anthony wanted a ghost. I also liked the ghost so if I find an inexpensive pumpkin I will carve that while the other two are away from home. I am so underhanded sometimes! Tomorrow I will be a matching ladybug with Lara. This will be the first time in a long time I am something cute for Halloween. Usually I am Goth, but as many who know me have pointed out I can get the “costume” out of my wardrobe as I like black and corsets, etc. So in reality me in a pretty ladybug outfit is a scary thing.

Moving on I hope...

2008-10-28T08:26:00.001-07:00

Well we are done trying this month as I think I have ovulated so that is good. Greg takes so long to fell that darn cup that I am exhausted in the morning and he doesn’t get up on time so the mornings are really bad. Who know maybe the steroids will make me fertile? It would be nice if there was a positive side effect of these things, as I seem to only get the nasty ones like nausea and vomiting.
We are all set for Halloween. We have all the candy for the Trick Or Treater's. I bought some pumpkin bubbles for Lara to take in to the school party on Friday as a treat to give out there. Lara is going to be a lady bug and Anthony is going to be a bee. They already wore their costumes this past weekend twice. I will look for pictures later on as I think Greg took some. There was a costume parade at the local fire house and an event at the county zoo and we took them to both events and they had fun. We also picked out our pumpkin and will carve tonight.
Yesterday Greg’s dad said he was going to toss away all of Greg’s old clothes that were at his house. Well Greg didn’t know they were there so he went to go look at them first. His dad wanted to toss them out that day but had to wait one day and made a big deal out of that. Anyway so he goes to look at them and they are perfectly fine! They were in his old room until his sister made a big closet out of it and put his clothes in the basement. So now they are all musty and I am hoping we can get the smell out of them. I just think it was nasty for her to do that. She could have put them in the attic to avoid the must after all that is where she would have put her clothes. But in her world of “only I matter and to heel with everyone else” I guess the musty basement made sense to her. She was also probably mad because he didn’t drop everything to help her with her project. She picked the perfect time to do it and all. A week before Christmas! Go figure we were busy then! She said it could be her Christmas gift though and so whom else do we have to shop for anyway? Our children? Nope only Debbie! Anyway I am double washing them today. There are designer shirts in there that cost s a lot of money that we simply do not have to buy new ones. His family really tics me off with their wastefulness. They just toss everything out and buy new.
Any who my blinkies are not selling very well as of late. I am making a huge one for a group and I am hoping they give me something, as it is a lot of work. So far I have nine pages with 33 babies on them. All cropped to fit so it takes time to do. Hopefully business will pick up. I am thinking of applying at Target for holiday help but haven’t mentioned that to Greg as I am sure he won’t like that idea at all.

Financially bad...

2008-10-25T07:28:00.001-07:00

Things are bad with us money wise. My medical bills are just putting a strain on us and we are not keeping up with them. We lost our savings account because the monthly fee was more than was in the account so they just closed it on us. I just went to the bank to talk to them and they offered us nothing. They said we will get the notification in our next statement. I am so mad at them for that.

If you have enjoyed any of the graphics I have made for you than this would be a great time to show that appreciation by giving a little back to the artist who made them. You can make a payment to Paypal. My account name is:

Jillian6@optonline.net

Or you could mail a check to:
Jill Hendrickson
167 Violet Dr.
Pearl River, NY, 10965

Thank you for your patronage to my endeavor.

Still ill...

2008-10-25T06:29:00.001-07:00

I am still feeling ill, and scared to leave the house alone. Last night I went to the playhouse for Player’s Night. The play was OK, and it was nice to see people. I just felt awkward and am sure I didn’t say anything right at all. I just can’t talk anymore without sounding like an idiot. On the way home I almost got into an accident so I think night driving should be out for a while. I didn’t see the car until the last minute and we barely missed each other. It shook me up. Of coarse there was someone on a cell phone nearby that was overreacting. That is just my bad luck to have that bonus.

Hopefully we can do something fun today as Greg is finally not working this weekend. We need the money so that is why he works so much. Financially we are bad off. Apparently our bank charged us a monthly fee of $2 on our savings account and sometime this past month took the last of it so they closed our account. We were never notified of this and so didn’t even know it was closed. Greg told me yesterday after he got home from work. Yesterday I was in NY doing the soda can recycling. We are evil and take our cans up to NY when they have the nickel deposit on them. After there was a shoe store that is closing and I saw sandals for 80% off. I got a pair for $8 and felt great until Greg told me our account was closed. Now I feel guilty but can’t return them, as the closeout said “no refunds”. I wish I hadn’t bought them. I need to get a job ASAP.

Trying...

2008-10-23T08:57:00.001-07:00

I am just not feeling well because of these darn steroids. They make me moody and crazy at the same time. I am driving myself and my family crazy. Greg is having a hard time with all of this. We have decided to move on with TTCing and am actively trying again. If not now than when? We are also going to try to reclaim our relationship by putting the children to bed at a bed time and then having alone time. Up to now they have just fallen asleep on the couch and we put them to bed. Sad but true.

I also feel very lonely but also afraid to go out. I fear I will get confused and lost. I tried to call some friends but it failed as I wasn’t speaking very coherently and no doubt they probably thought I was under the influence of something. I trued calling two friends and both ended awkward. So I just can’t even reach out other than in the cyber world. I just wish this was over already and I can move on and live. Sarcoidosis sucks big time.

Trying...

2008-10-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

I was in a bad mood all day Friday because of that accident. This has really just hit me hard and I am very upset about it still. It was just such a stupid thing to do. Why on earth did the owner think he could do that? What could he have done had he actually caught the guy? Just all in all a stupid thing to do.
On Saturday I had a busy day as Greg was working again this weakened. He got the call at the last minute. We really need the money with all the medical appointments I have been having so we had to do it. I started off my day with a blood test for blood sugar and hemoglobin CBC. Later I took the children solo to “Family Fun day” at Lara’s school. We had promised to take them for weeks now and so they were looking forward to it. They had a great time. There were a few inflatables there a big slide, a maze and a spider thing that had Velcro. The children wore a suit made of the stiff side and a worker tossed them on a wall of the soft stuff and they stuck there. Lara hated that but Anthony loved it. All in all they both had a great time. After we just stayed at home at had some family time.
Sunday I took Lara to church solo. After she went to CCD class and I took a short walk. I ended up back at the church and so went to a second mass by myself. I need that and felt slightly better for it. Rockland County as the stores here are closed on Sunday. After that we visited with my parents and then home for dinner. I went from 40 mg. to 30 mg. of Prednisone today so that is good. Hopefully I will feel less ill and not throw up every day. Some days I get sick several times so this is not good at all.
Monday was our seventh anniversary. Greg stayed at home so no time for the computer really. I had wash to do and I made a special dinner. I also made a chocolate pie for desert. So I was busy most of the day. For dinner I made the chicken stuffed breast that I had bought from Omaha streaks. For most it is simple thing to do but not being a cook it took me more time than most. I did manage to make mashed potatoes from scratch though. I gave Greg an anniversary clock I won on e-bay and he gave me a pair of fashion earrings. I ended up getting sick after dinner again due to the darn meds I am on.
Tuesday I had to alter Lara’s PJ’s as today is “Wear Your Favorite PJ’s To School” day. They were too long for her so I hemmed the legs and arms. Again not being a seamstress it took me a long time to do. Later on I saw my Pulmonologist about the blood test and what to do. He does not want me on long term Prednisone and wants me to take other meds should I need further treatment in a month. He said that the 40 mg. was a lot for me to take and that my symptoms should decrease now that I am on 30 mg. All my symptoms are from the steroids according to him as they just have so many bad side effects. My sugar levels are normal, but once again the hemoglobin is low. So I have to get a bone marrow biopsy and some other tests. I also have to see a hematologist to set all that up. He recommended one but the one he recommended was dealing with my MIL when she was sick. The last time he saw her he sent her home saying she was OK. Well she felt so bad she went to the hospital instead and ten days later she died. So I haven’t faith in this doctor at all. I have to find another one. After I just couldn’t eat dinner and just stayed in bed and mended some more clothes. I ended up doing two pants and a shirt.
I am just so tired of being sick and am just going to try to move on. We are starting up again tonight TTCing as it is driving me crazy that we haven’t done anything in such a long time. I just have to try at least. The progesterone is still making me nauseas and sick. Still keeping me up at night. It is hard to go to sleep and once I am it is not a deep sleep and so everything wakes me up. Once up it is hard to go to sleep again. Today I was up at 5 AM and so did some graphics to ease my nerves.

WHY?????????????????

2008-10-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

My eyes are getting better but the medicine is making me feel ill and tired all the time. I went to the theatre to help with lights and after only hanging four instruments was ready to go to bed! I just have no stamina. I fear I am gaining weight and my face is bloated. I also think my blood sugars are bad but can’t get a doctor to write up a blood work script. Yet I don’t feel like all is bad with me. I feel I should not complain, and I am a whining bitty.

Yesterday at five PM there was a terrible accident near our house. It was next to the house that is abutted to our back yard. A car was struck by another and a ten year old girl died. Her fourteen year old brother is in critical condition. Her mother and another 14 year old were also in the car but apparently OK. A man had left his Mercedes running in the driveway when he went back into his house to get keys fort a second car. When he came out a thief was taking his car. So he got into the second car and chased the thief while calling the police. The high chase pursuit led to the car colliding with the mom and children who had nothing to do with either of them. It was a block away from a school so she was probably picking them up after work. I just hate people. I mean what the heck was that man thinking of? You do not go chasing a stolen car! You call the police and let them handle it! That man is not being charged with anything which really pisses me off. He should be charged with reckless endangerment and disregard for human life. I just hope he knows that he is the reason that girl is dead today. It was a stupid car. A thing, an object, something that can be replaced. The girl was a precious gift from God that will never ever be replaced. I just hope he realizes that.

Eyes getting better...

2008-10-14T09:37:00.001-07:00

Well the steroids are kicking in finally after one week of taking them. My wyes are still double but so close that I can now drive! This is great because Greg worked at home this weekend and I went to my parent’s house with the children. My niece and nephew were staying for the weekend and so I took advantage and was able to get the cousins together. I can drive during the day but not so at night yet and not on major highways.

Sunday I went to church with Lara as Greg was working and then to her CCD class. She had no crying when I left as the teachers got her involved right away and I took off as soon as I could. She was mad though when I picked her up that I had left her there. Later on we had fire safety behind borough hall. I was exhausted and went to bed early while Greg made hot dogs.

Monday I went back to my mom and dad’s house for more cousin time. This is one of my brother’s children that live two hours north of us so we rarely go there. Having them nearer was great, but makes me wish we hadn’t moved so far south of everyone. All the relatives around me here are his and I do not get along with them very well. One aunt refuses to write my children’s name right on their birthday cards! They have hyphenated names and all they put down is Greg’s name! The other writes in my name but misspells it so badly it is pathetic. I mean after six years why can’t they get the name right?

So now I can see better because of the drugs, but it comes with a price. I have to take extra calcium and vitamin D to keep the bone density loss down. I have to have my blood sugar tested to see if I am turning diabetic, and I could get a big face and gain weight. I am not sure about that last one as the drugs are making me nauseous and so I throw up a lot. I can not see how I could throw up so much and gain weight. I am also very tired all the time as I am still anemic.

My baby is four years old today!!!!!!!

2008-10-10T06:32:00.001-07:00

The steroids are making me sick and cranky. They are helping with my eyesight, but all that seems to do is get me to see how sick I feel. I have to be well today though because….

My baby is four years old today!!!!!!!

Not so good...

2008-10-06T08:43:00.001-07:00

I just feel like such a useless rag here. I can’t drive anywhere because of the double vision. I can’t walk because of the same. I am sick of looking at that darn scar on my neck that now looks really bad with the double vision. Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed. I go to sleep praying that when I wake up this bad dream will be all over with and I will be normal, but it never happens. I wake up all sick inside like I spent the night drinking away. I just don’t get it.

I get so confused. The doctor from NYC just called. Not only did I have to think hard on who he was but I could think about the doctor’s names that he was faxing my results to. I flipped through my book but came up empty. Finally I did get it. I feel so dumb they must think I am stoned or drunk. I slur my speech and am just clueless so often.

My mom and dad are coming over tomorrow for a visit. I am so happy about that. They are just coming for a visit not to sit with Anthony while I see a specialist or get a treatment. I am having to have her come also because I won an item on e-bay that I have to pick up. It has been over a week now and I told the seller the problem. She is a friend that I know through the theatre so she is very good, but I want to pay for it already. It is a Thomas Kincaid clock I got for Gregory for our anniversary. I got a super price on it so it is in budget and I have cash set aside for it. I squirreled the money little by little whenever I was given cash. Now all I have to do is get it.

My vision is still double but I am getting used to it so I can read again. I am on the steroids so hopefully I will see clearly again soon. I have to get set up for Friday. Anthony turns four ob Friday and he wants a Spiderman birthday. I want to make him a cake which will be hard with double vision. I would hate to buy one as I always make him one. I feel so useless. We also have to get his gift which we are sure will be Spiderman something.

On a happy note we all went to the movies on Saturday. I guess I got a bargain two for one with my double vision! We saw the chiwawa movie that Lara has been dying to see since she first saw the previews. It was a fun movie. The children had a great time and were happy to get out of the house after being cooped up all week.

New pain...

2008-10-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

I have a pain in my chest at night and it becomes a bit hard to breathe. I fear that the Sarcoidosis is beating up my lymph nodes to a pulp in there or has moved to my lungs now. Neither is very good. I am thinking this is just going to get me. I am just going from one thing to another with no real rest periods.

I have been ill now since April!!!!!

When will it stop????????

The city visit...

2008-10-03T11:18:00.001-07:00

I went into the city today to see the specialist. He is an ophthalmologist neurologist. We took the MRI films with us, as he wanted to see them first hand. Up until now they have been saying I have optic neuritis. The MRI did not show that but they said it is not always seen on an MRI. Well according to this new doctor optic neuritis does not cause double vision, and since that is the first thing I tell everyone he didn’t understand the diagnosis. The MRI does not show the optic neuritis, but it does show Sarcoidosis grains that are pushing against my optic nerve. This is causing the double vision as well as the blurred vision. So we are relived that the MRI did in fact do the trick. The official reading says it is all normal which we didn’t like. That would only mean more tests. So now we know what is happening and what to do about it. Unfortunately this means that the treatment is steroids. I can get low bone mass, anemic (already there actually) and diabetic. I have to take vitamin D and calcium supplements and have my blood sugars monitored. Hopefully this will not make me diabetic. On the superficial vain side I also hope I don’t get a big face. I will have 40 mg. for two weeks, then thirty for two weeks, then twenty, then ten. I see the doctor again in six weeks. I am going to stop going to the neurologist and ophthalmologist here in NJ. I will only see this new doctor in the city (New York City that is) and my Pulmonologist in NJ. They will work together as a team. The new doctor was not thrilled that I was diagnosed so long ago and as to date have had very little actual treatment. He is confident that my vision can be restored with the treatment. I feel like I got some answers today and although I am not thrilled about the meds it looks like I am on my way to recovery. I pray that is the case.

Follow up...

2008-10-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

We saw the neurologist today. He said that the double vision could take time to go away he suggested an eye patch to block the bad eye so the vision is not doubled. Hopefully that will take care of the nausea as well. The MRI didn’t show anything wrong but he said it does not always show. The doctor is suggesting long term steroids, but I don’t want to get a big face. He also suggested a lumbar puncture test but that sounds painful. I was getting upset so he prescribed Zantax! I am not taking that as I think anyone would be upset in my shoes. It is not like this happy pill will make me see any better. I am going to an ophthalmologist neurologist on Friday in the city. I just want to be able to see normal again and not feel so sick. I feel like I am drunk 24/7. I hated my appointment today they were talking about me like I wasn’t in the room. Maybe next time I won’t go.

Not good news...

2008-09-29T06:24:00.001-07:00

I had my last of my four treatments yesterday. I wish I could state that I was a model patient but I wasn’t. I just can’t take it anymore. I know some have been sicker a lot longer, but I am just tired now. I was crying when they did the IV which is not like me at all. Heck I watched my amnio with Lara how bad can an IV be? Anyway the treatments seemed to have just alleviated the pain. I am still not seeing right. My vision is blurry and double. I can barely type this and can not read at all. I woke up Saturday and today like I have been drinking all night long. Of course I hadn’t but I feel that way. I feel so sick today I just don’t want to do anything. I have to though. I have Anthony to take care of and dirty clothes to wash. I also have to get my but in the shower, as I have to go get Lara at school at three today. I am thankful my FIL whom lives across the street comes over and does the driving. All I have to do is get out and get her while my FIL stays with Anthony in the car. I just wish I could do things. I miss doing my graphics, watching TV, reading, walking straight, driving, etc. How do people manage to stay sick long term?

Some background...

2008-09-26T05:19:00.000-07:00

In case you wanted to know what I look like here is a rough description. I am a 45 year old woman that looks a bit younger as I have a baby face and never was a sun worshiper. I am five foot eight inches high with dark curly hair that is about mid back. The curls are tight little ones, not waves. Kind of like Mel Gibson in “Brave Heart”. Anyway I have very pale skin that gets sun burned if I think about going to the beach. I have blue eyes, and weigh about 122 pounds. I have longer legs (34” inseam) than most women, and a short torso with long arms. So clothes’s shopping is not fun. Nothings fits, and everything has to be altered. That is about all I can think of.

My eye treatment...

2008-09-26T05:18:00.000-07:00

I had my first treatment yesterday at 11 AM ish. I still can not see out of my right eye, but the pressure and pain is less. Still not sure if that is the treatments or the Percocet. They were all very nice there and made sure I was OK. I was not a very brave soldier and was crying a bit at first. I was nervous about getting the IV in my hands because when the anesthesiologist did it there it really hurt. This one didn’t though. Today I go for my second session. They gave my mom and I some lunch while we were there. They also had a whole snack bar set up. Very nice. Still worried about if my vision is going to be restored. I keep on walking into walls which in my house hurts as they are all made of cement.

Right eye is going blind...

2008-09-25T05:23:00.001-07:00

I had my MRI yesterday. I just couldn’t take it and lost it after they gave me the IV shunt. I have had just too many IV’s as of late. Anyway I had the MRI and the third injection of stuff in two days. Then I went to the Neurologist appointment. He wants me to get steroid IV’s for the next four days. He says that the optic nerve is being pinched by the Sarcoidosis and if I don’t I would go blind. My parents are coming over today. My dad will stay with Anthony while my mom takes me for the IV. They said they could do it at home but things are so messy here I just don’t want anyone in my house right now. KWIM? Hopefully the IV’s will work and not hurt too much. The dye that the eye doctor put in hurt as did the IV for the MRI. So maybe my veins are getting sensitive from over use?

I also hope the steroids won’t make my face big. I’m ugly enough on my own.

My right eye is really bad now...

2008-09-24T05:38:00.000-07:00

My right eye is really bad now. I am back on Percocet for the pain. That takes away the bite but not all of it. I can not see very well out of it. Up to yesterday I was seeing dark clouds. Like in a painting when whips of clouds are over the moon. Now today I am also seeing sparkly stuff. I am concerned that I might loose sight in this eye.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday and he gave me some tests that I failed. I am going for an emergency head MRI today to see if the optic nerve has Sarcoidosis. I am then seeing a neurologist to see what can be done. Yesterday the eye doctor said if it is Sarcoidosis there is no cure for it. So things are looking bad for me today.

My eye is bad...

2008-09-22T06:32:00.001-07:00

Well my eye has gotten worse since Wednesday. The pain just increased every day until I just starting popping my Alieve every six hours. On Saturday we were supposed to go to the Renaissance Faire and Sunday we were going to the air show. It was supposed to be the super fun weekend to make up for the lame summer that occurred because of Momma’s illness. Well Saturday the first thing I felt was stabbing pain in my right eye. I couldn’t function. Greg got me some Alieve, but it still hurt so I called my doctor up. The primary one. I got to see him at 12:15. He said it was a sinus infection and prescribed some Omnicef, and some nose spray. The nose spray with insurance was $26! When I asked the pharmacist she said without insurance it is $130! Ugh what is in this stuff? Gold? Platinum? Anyway, when all was said and done it was after 3 PM, so the faire was out. It is over an hour drive and closes at 7 PM. It also is too expensive to miss out on most of the day. So we went to the air show. We got there at five to four and waited five minutes to go in because at four it became free. It was only open until five. So we had an hour of air show. There were old cars there but most had left so we only saw planes. Lara and Anthony enjoyed it; Greg wished he had more time.

On Sunday we got to church, CCD class, and then went to the faire. We left at about eleven thirty and got there a little after one. The children had a great time there. They loved the “dragon swing”. I had dressed up in a dress and was going to wear my corset, but Greg said it didn’t go well together so I only wore my dress. One person stopped me and said they thought it was beautiful and that it fir me very well. I was so touched by that. I like the dress too. I bought it on e-bay and wear it when I get dressed up. What can I say I guess I dress retro because it fir in with the Renaissance look so well. Anyway we walked around for a while, and tried the games (lost most) except one that Lara won and got a necklace of bones and skulls. Anthony lost at that but the game keeper (is that the title?) felt bad and gave him a necklace too. She knew that he was feeling bad because his sister had one and he didn’t. He had a huge frown on his face and my heart melted. I guess hers did too so she gave him one. He brightens up and everyone beamed. Just before that though I had to take a rest, as my eye was hurting again. I had to sit. Greg kvetched that we weren’t in a sitting area but what could I do? I was in pain. Anyway we went on a little and then I had to take another rest. My eye was bad for the rest of the day but I didn’t want to go and disappoint the children. They were having such a great time. We saw the living chest game, and a puppet show. They were supposed to go on the stage and sit for the latter but of coarse mine preferred the mud instead. We ended the day with the pub songs that I love. The final song being “Will you Go lassie go” I really like that one.

By the time we got home my eye was in a lot of pain and I had to go to bed. Greg wasn’t happy he had to take care of the children. He must have changed them and stayed in the living room because sometime after going to bed Anthony joined me. Greg didn’t come in until a long time after that so he must have been asleep on the couch again. I awoke in pain again today. I took a hot shower but it really didn’t help much so I took a Percocet. That took the bite off of the pain and now all I have is a dull ache. I can’t however see very well out of my right eye. I have black spots. Greg had to drive Lara to school. He was mad about that. I guess I will walk to get her later on or try to drive. I need to get blood work today and I just don’t know how I will get there. I am just a mess.

Not Sarcoidosis...

2008-09-17T09:25:00.001-07:00

I went to the eye doctor last night and he did not find any Sarcoidosis so I do not know why I have the eye pain. It started a few days ago and is still hurting today. The eye doctor thinks it could be a head ache and to see a neurologist. Right now I am just seeing if it goes away on its own. I have the bone scan scheduled for Tuesday and I have to get the blood work done as well.

Greg is home sick today so not much time to do anything.

Ugh! It is back!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

My Sarcoidosis is back again in my right eye and nastier than ever. I was in such pain before but I took two Alieve and it has calmed down to a dull ache. I am just so mad that it came back again so fast. Greg was going to call to make an appointment for the scan, and I have to get blood work to see how my anemia is doing. I feel so tired I just know it is low. This has been going on so long. I was so happy when I was drug free, but that doesn’t seem to be the plan for me. I am probably going back on the eye drops again, but not the Percocet. For the moment the Alieve is working OK so I do not want to take anything stronger.

Needless to say until I get my last bone scan and bone marrow biopsy that TTCing is out. I can’t possible introduce any baby to those chemicals even if I were lucky enough to get pregnant. My luck I probably would, so I won’t even try. Good thing for us is that I actually can’t get “accidentally” pregnant. We have to try.

Lara is not having an easy go of it at school. She clings to me every morning and makes a scene. She does not want to leave me and we are not sure why. I personally think she is afraid if she goes I will get sick and end up in the hospital or dead. She says she wants to stay home and be a little girl with me. We already bought our Halloween costumes. Lara and I are going to be matching ladybugs and Anthony will be a bee. We bought wings at “Claire’s” last week. All I need is pants and shirts. Lara wants to be all sparkly with me. I am in shock as this is just not like her. She doesn’t usually go for the glam. Last year she was “Thomas The Tank” for Halloween. So I am not sure what is going on in her head. This year she has regular class and then special ed classes for math and writing. So far all we have gotten at home is one work sheet where she wrote “h’s” down. Ugh he is past writing letters and I hope she starts on words soon. She started religion class on Sunday but would not let me go so I stayed with her. She cried a lot. Unfortunately a girl from her class was there and saw this. In line on Monday she was telling another girl all about it. I stopped her and asked her if it happened to her would she like others talking about it? She said no, but I know she gossiped about it later. She just had a defiant look in her eye.

Anthony is doing OK. He plays quietly mostly during the day. He does like to open things, climb and explore so I have to keep an eye on him when it gets too quiet. KWIM? He is still working on his alphabet, and watches the Leap frog DVD’s.

Greg has a cold now and is teaching a class so he can not call in sick. Now after work he has to drive me to the doctor. I feel bad for him.

I Remember, and always will....

2008-09-12T06:19:00.000-07:00

September 11, 2001, I was working in Moonachie, NJ which was right across the river. I was working in a lighting shop we were counting the equipment that the MTV awards had rented. I remember seeing how blue and clear the sky was and how dark and horrid the cloud was. I had neighbors and friends that worked in and around the buildings. Ironically enough we were inside and so did not know what was going on until after tower two was hit. We were listening to "Howard Stern" on the radio. Apparently either they did not look at the associate press updates (I think Robyn did?) or did not believe the news as it came in. At any rate we didn’t know about it until way into the even. When we heard the towers fell I just could not believe it. I had stood by them. They were so massive. I could not believe anything so big could go down. I just believed it was a hoax, or I just prayed it was. Eventually we were able to get news and we knew it wasn’t. The shop wouldn’t let anyone go. Eventually at about 11 AM I went into the office and said I didn't give a damn if MTV had kept all the stuff and was going home to see how many people I knew got out alive.

I went to a friends house whose husband worked right buy there. She had a leg that was hurt and was not able to leave the house. I knew she was all alone and so for the only time ever went there without calling first. Actually I tried but all lines were jammed. All phone lines whether ceil or land were jammed. She wasn’t sure if he was dead or alive. I stayed until he got home. He was dusty from head to foot. I think he ended up getting home at about 9 PM; he had started at 11 AM. The city was just at a standstill.

Most did, but one who worked on the 95h floor of tower one did not. She had just returned from maternity leave the day before. She left behind her DH, a DS that was three years and a DS that was three months old.

Yesterday I watched the memorial as usual and just cried the whole time.

Not doing well...

2008-09-09T13:16:00.000-07:00

Today again was hectic. I didn’t get into the bathroom until 7:30! I have to leave at 8! Greg got in at 6 AM according to him, so WTF take sooooo long? I am thinking of putting a spy camera in there. So today again was hectic and again Lara clung to me crying she didn’t want to go in. We got to school in time for line up but then she clung to me while the class went in without her. A worker there took her in. She was screaming for me the whole time. I just can’t take that anymore. What can I do to make her accept school? Any suggestion would be great as I am clueless.

I think I might be getting drug withdrawal, as I just can’t sleep at night. I am getting cold, then hot and sweaty. It is a withdrawal symptom that I read about so I know it could be psychological as well. It only started on Sunday which is over the 6-8 hours after my last dose but I took it for so long. Almost two full months (or was it a little over two months?). At any rate I am sure it is withdrawal and so I just don’t feel right. I have been through this before so I know the feeling. All I can do is ride it out. Greg wants me to get the bone scan and biopsy but I am not loving that idea.

My insomnia could also be to the upcoming anniversary. Seven years later and I still feel the pain as if it as today. All of the innocence lost both on the planes and in the buildings. They had a show on the history channel last night and I just cried the whole time. They showed what the plane did with computer graphics when it hit tower one. How it disintegrated into the building and stripped the fire proofing away. All I could think of was that I hoped it had hit my friend. That she went without knowing or feeling anything. Then the guilt of knowing that others were not that lucky. What about them? And the people on the planes. Some babies and small children what of them? It just hurts so much. Then the event ion Washington and the Pentagon, and in Pennsylvania. So much lost in such a short time. Anthony was watching with me, as it did not actually get very graphic. The computer animations were like line drawings on grid paper. He did see the towers collapse and the pentagon as well. He now wants to go to the site to see the footprint. He will have to wait as neither Greg nor I can go there yet.

Stomach Bug...

2008-09-08T09:50:00.001-07:00

I think I have a stomach bug as today I am going to the bathroom a lot. Yesterday I was sick all day, nauseous and throwing up. So I think it is working its way through me.

I cancelled my pain management appointment for tomorrow as I am handling it on my own. It have some pain but nothing that I can not handle and right now I just want to be drug free.

Greg was really bad today and just wouldn’t get up. He overslept by one hour! Everything was off and everyone was cranky. It was an awful morning. Lara cried all the way to school and then clung onto me crying. I just can’t take it anymore. I swear I want to get a cattle prod for that boy! I mean if things were less hectic here maybe Lara would feel better. KWIM? As it is now all we do is rush, rush, rush. All because Greg doesn’t want to wake up first. Well he is the one that needs over and hour of solid bathroom time to get ready for work. I only need ten minutes. So what should I do? Wake up and hour early so that his highness can sleep an extra ten minutes? Don’t think so. Then I would be up and it would be too early for Lara to get up so all I would do is wait? Ugh this boy just got too much mommy and daddy service for way tooo long!

Sorry for the kvetch.

Goodbye Medications!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

I am down to one drop a day with the drops and some days I skip them. I think this next appointment will be my last. I am sick of these meds already. I still have the infection on my cut. I put stuff on during the day with a bandage, and stuff alone at night to air out. Well I got the results on Thursday of all the tests. The heart test had not come back yet so that will come the next visit. The radioactive one showed Sarcoidosis in my lymph nodes in both my chest and neck. Now the doctor wants to do a bone scan to see where the pain is coming from and then a bone marrow biopsy. Not sure if they are suspecting marrow cancer and so am confused about that test. We have to get approvals of those tests and I just don’t want to do them. Greg is also wondering of I can go solo so he doesn’t have to take off from work. The first one requires radioactive injection which made me nauseas and the second I think is quite painful from what I have heard.

Friday was another rough day of Lara not wanting to go to school and ten not wanting me to pick her up. We got a whole list of supplies to get for her special Ed class. So we have to go shopping again. We stayed at home at night because of the coming storm. I was very tired and slept through the night. Right through my 3 AM Percocet alarm. I woke up at 8 AM Saturday.

Saturday I woke up at 8 AM with a neck ache and back pain but nothing that severe. So I decided to skip the Percocet. I am happy to say I haven’t had another one since. It is so nice to not have to worry about what time it is and when I have to take my next pill! The storm came at about 1 PM. About noon Greg mentioned our gutters were probably clogged and that we would have to clean them out. He also wanted to take everything of the floor in the basement. We have some toys and such down there as well as some jar and canned foods. When we fixed the plumbing we moved the downstairs cabinet and never put it back. So the food was on the floor on bags. Only jars and cans no boxes, as they would get moldy and book lice. I took the job of the gutters. Greg got the ladder all set and I did the whole house’s gutter in about a half hour. I am good with ladders even if sick! Greg is too cautious and would have taken longer. Anyway as I put the ladder away I felt the first drip, so I took just the right amount of time. They were really clogged too so no doubt we would have flooded had I not done that. We had some minor drips in the back room, but no flooding. When we saw the radar we saw that the majority of the storm was west of us and east of us. We were in a little pocket this time and so were not hit hard.

Today I woke up achy and nauseous. Not sure if it is Percocet withdrawal or not as I have had bouts of nausea for a while now. Also I read that withdrawal symptoms start 6-8 hours after the last dose and since my last one was Friday at 11 PM I think it is too long for that to start now. We managed to go to church, and then Greg went to work to prepare for a class. I am home with the children. I was going to visit my parents but I am just not up to it now. I just feel so sick. Just waiting for the hag to show up at my door.

Busy days...

2008-09-04T07:09:00.001-07:00

Things are not well with my incision from the biopsy. Unfortunately it is now infected and oozing (sorry if TMI). So now I have to keep a band aid and antibacterial ointment on it during the day. At night I air it out with just a dab of ointment. It is also very itchy and a tiny bit painful.

This week has been so busy! Monday was a lazy day for us, but Greg was home so he kept me from the computer. We ended up going to visit my parents in Pearl River and staying for dinner. We ordered pizza from a local place in Nanuet. It is sooooo good. They make everything themselves so it is not like any other pizza place as most buy the ingredients and just put them together. Not there they make it all home made and I love it. We all had a nice time there.

Tuesday we had the meeting to get all the information about Lara's schedule. She will be in class most of the day but pulled for Math and English. She will be then in a small group with two other students so she will get a lot of personal attention. Later on we rushed the vaccine record to the doctor and got her shots. Turned out all she needed was a chicken pox update. I was happy they did not charge a co pay for the shots as we had already paid a co pay with the exam. I am positive the old doctor would have charged us. I love the new place. Later Greg wanted to go to do “something fun” outside. Well with my eye I just can’t do it. So he stayed in too. I mean why? I finally told him off. All last year I managed to take the two children to their favorite park by myself. I would walk there and back (about a mile, but uphill from us and a steep hill at that). All he had to do was to take the car, but he didn’t want to go alone. Ugh. We finally all went at 5 PM. We stayed a long time and by the time we got home I was exhausted. I got Greg to give the children a bath while I went to sleep. I was only going to take a short snooze, but slept through the night instead.

Wednesday I was up early to mark all of Lara’s school supplies. Greg slept late (big surprise there!) and slowed things down a bit. Lara was not very wiling to go to school. She didn’t want to get dressed or eat her breakfast. I tried to get her excited with her new school supplies but that just didn’t work. Later on we were a little late for school. She made it in time for line up but just as they were going in two seconds after we went in line. Greg was still parking the car. Well she had a fit and refused to go in. She was screaming and crying so I had to get her alone as to try to keep things as private as possible (although everyone was staring at that point). She refused to go in. Greg showed up and I wanted him to help. He had Anthony though and so stayed away! Ugh! Tanks Hun! NOT! Anyway so eventually I get her in the office. She still says she will miss me and she wants to stay with me. The office lady takes her to class and when she got back said Lara was fine by the time they got to the classroom. When we went to pick her up she shouted that she hated us and ran away! Poor Greg was there with a camera and what we got was her yelling at us!

During the day we took Anthony to the doctor as he said his back hurt. He fell from the windowsill last week and according to him his back still hurt. I didn’t know at the time he had fallen so far. I thought it was just the toy box but I guess he has done that enough so he has to move higher up now. It is high and our floors are cement so it can cause damage. When we got to the doctor though he was sooo happy he got to play with the toys there. I started to think he only said his back hurt to get to the toys. Greg thinks not, but I think so. I also had an eye exam last night. The doctor said my eye is getting better even though the drops hurt more to put in. So now I am on one drop a day and so can drive again!!!! My right eye is not all blurred out. A little out of focus but not all blurred out. I am happy about that. Later on we had ice cream at a local place that makes it home made and home made whipped cream. Very tasty!

This morning things did not go smoothly. At least Lara stayed on line and went in with her class. All I had to do was stand by her but there were no tears. I kept trying to move away but to no avail she would pull me back to her. Oh well at least it was progress over yesterday. Again Greg slept late. I just don’t know how to get him out of bed on time. He had the whole summer where all he had to do was get himself ready and so is spoiled. He wakes up late and messes everything up. Do they sell cattle prods on e-bay?

Later on today I have the appointment that will give me the results from last week’s tests. Wish me luck!

Some fun...

2008-08-31T11:50:00.000-07:00

Friday I had my MRI at the hospital. All went well. It was funny as this time I had this mirror devise that I could see out of the tube with. Well I look over at the techs and they are gabbing away, talking with their hands and having a great time. It was like seeing an episode of “House” where they show them doing MRI’s and just talking away barely paying attention to the patient. After I just went home and hung out. Later on we went to target to get stuff for my mom.

Saturday we went to one of my brother’s for a party for my mom. Her birthday is today. Anyway he has a pool that is not heated. Lara wanted to go in and I tried but it was soooooo cold. I couldn’t do it. She was so sad. I caved and went in. She finds out how cold it is and can’t go in. She can’t get past her mid calf on the ladder. So what does she do? She goes on a raft and has me push her around. She is nice and warm and I am the one in the freezing water. It was funny. I got used to the cold in a few minutes and so it was OK. Later Anthony joined us on the tour of the pool. I had to give them one day of fun this summer.
It was nice to see so many people. I have been so alone all summer I wasn’t used to it. I really have been isolated as most days I just see Greg and the children. Unless I have a test then I see my parents before and after and the techs. Kind of lonely. I wish I lived closer to my family that way I could get more support. I did get a package with a lovely card and chocolates that brightened up my day! They arrived on Saturday I think.
Today is my mom’s birthday. Maybe we will pop by over there. I want to spend time with her.

Greg has been a poop today. He got up first only after I pointed out that I was sick and got up early two days in a row for the children. He gave them breakfast but the decided to fix the faucet instead of getting ready for church! During this time there was nothing but yelling and arguing so much for my sleep in day. When he sleeps late I keep the children quiet. So I got both children ready. After church he plops on the couch! I get the children their play clothes on and their lunch. He just sits there watching TV!!!! Now does he see to it that they eat? Nope too busy watching "Willy Wonka". Ugh I am getting mad!

More tests...

2008-08-28T13:37:00.001-07:00

Well I talked to my regular doctor last night. He said that he will continue to give me the Percocet until I see the Pain management doctor. So that is one less thing to worry about. I was worried that my meds would be cut off a week plus before I got to see the pain management and thus making the pain management worthless. After all I need that when I have the pain, right? Anyway today I had the gallium scan at the hospital. It took about an hour to do. It had two big flat square things that rotated around me in a complete 180 degree rotation. I wasn’t loving that test as the plates were very close to my face. They were short staffed today and so at first they left the room, but when I said I prefer someone in the room with me one was always there. I just felt like the thing could crush me.

Tonight we have to take Lara for a CBC at a Quest lab for school. Her doctor’s office is no longer covered by our insurance so we have to go to an independent lab. Hopefully that will go smoothly. Tomorrow I have a MRI of my head. It is hard keeping track of all these tests and appointments. I am just feeling like a human guinea pig. I am just so tired of all this. My family might get together this weekend for my mother’s birthday. I hope we do, as that would be something fun to do for a change.

Anthony is getting restless and destroying things all over the house. I had my little TV in the living room but took it away as he just couldn’t keep his hands off of it and it feel down. I put it back this morning while my parent’s baby sat and so far he has left it alone. The minute he touches it though out it will go. I just wish we could fix out big TV or just get rid of it already.

Needless to say with all this TTCing is just a non issue. I can not get pregnant while taking radio active material inside of me or taking the Percocet. Not sure if I will ever get back to that at this point. Heck I am not even sold that I will be here nine months from now as bad as I am feeling now.

More Tests and School...

2008-08-27T07:07:00.001-07:00

Monday I did my best to try to relax but there was the laundry to do. Also the children were just not in a good mood and so were extra bad. At one point during the day Anthony knocked over the TV set in the living room. Or big set is broken for some time now and so we are using my old 13” set. It is very special to me as it was a gift from my mom and dad and so I was upset when it fell and yelled at him. The set works still (guardian angel working extra overtime?) but I feel bad about yelling. I think we all have a bit of cabin fever. Later on my FIL came over and took them to the near by park. We also set up all the test I have to do this week to determine how bad the Sarcoidosis is. I was able to get my parents to baby sits all of the days. One of the tests requires that I get radio active material in me so it is actually a good thing that I am not pregnant. Sad as that is to write.

Tuesday we went to get an Echo cardio gram to see if the Sarcoidosis has spread to my heart. I don’t know the results yet but it was interesting to see my heart on the monitor beating away. I never knew it had fluxations in the valves. I always thought they were just solid flaps but there is a wiggle to them. Live and learn. I also got the radioactive stuff in me. They will do the scan with that on Thursday, as it needs two days in me to spread out. They told me it will be gone in a week, but right now I just feel like a freak with this stuff in me. I just don’t feel right at all. KWIM? Later on we took Lara for her school physical. Her old doctor has not yet forwarded her immunization records! We switched in April! So we are royally messed up as she is away until September 8th. What pediatrician goes on vacation on the last weeks of august until after the first weeks of September? What about her patients and their school physicals? Something is just not right. We now have to wait until September 2nd when the school nurse comes back. She can copy the record we gave her last year and we can bring them to the doctor. Then he can give the shots she need so she can go to school. I have to set up an appointment for September 2nd. It will be tight. On a happy note we bought her some back to school clothing last night. They are really cute. We got a few dresses and some long sleeved shirts. Her current jeans are good for now.

My eye is hurting again and is all blurry. If I am late on the pain meds my back hurts. My regular doctor gave me my last script for Percocet. He wants me to go to a pain management doctor. What ever that is. I tried to set up an appointment yesterday, but they said they had to call me back. They haven’t so far. I am just not feeling good today at all. Tired, achy and blurry vision. I have no tests today but I do tomorrow and Friday. None of which will look at my back which is the pain that launched all these tests. I think I am the only one that finds it strange that the one complaint I had back in may has yet to be addressed. Ugh when will someone address the painful area?????

Sunday...

2008-08-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

Today Greg is being extra good as I think he knows he just went too far yesterday. I mean Dee is a close friend and to say she said I act like a 17 year old was just too much. I am sad to say after they left the house I had a glass of wine to relax. Well it did not mix well with the Percocet and I got loopy. Didn’t think that would happen. Anyway I slept most of the night after that. Not exactly mom of the year material. I am no hung over today as I only had the one glass.

I did not get to go to church as Lara had a fit about wearing her shoes. Her daddy and her got into a lock horn about what shoes to wear and then she started having a fit. It was getting late so Greg just took Anthony while Lara and I stayed at home. I really wish they would stop locking horns like that.

I still can’t see clearly out of my right eye, and so can’t drive anywhere. I feel like I am trapped in this house. There isn’t much nearby. Most things are about a mile which I am not sure I can walk in my state of health. I just wish the eye would clear up.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-23T12:17:00.001-07:00

On Wednesday I finally saw the Pulmonologist. Well the doctor was OK, but could not tell me why I have the pain in my back or neck which is why this all started back in May I think. I am not sure now. Was it tiredness from April until May when the pain started or was the pain sooner? Anyway he did know why so again I have to have some more tests.

Thursday we finally found out that Lara has been accepted into first grade. We went able to get her school supplies that night as Greg got home late and I want feeling well. I had decided to clean up our room and it took more of me that I realized it would.

Friday I went to the eye doctor again with the children and Greg. There was this incredible nasty woman there that hated the children. She kept on giving them dirty looks when they made any noise. Hello? If you want dead silence than stay at home! Otherwise people make noise. She was just a mean woman and blurted out anything she felt at any given moment. At one point this other woman was in the waiting room and just laughed at her as she was saying how she was going to barf. Later on she said, “I usually love children, but these two I just can't stand. I really hate the little girl”. I just gave her husband a leer. I mean WTF!!!!! You said that out loud in front of the girl’s mother? What moron would do that? I just bit my tongue and prayed that she would loose her voice! Later on we bought the school supplies for Lara. I also had to call the doctor to get more drugs, but now he isn’t sure I should get them. He wants me to do pain management. How can I do that before they find out what exactly I am managing? So my script was for less drugs than usual. I guess I will cal him on Monday to see what is up with that as I only found that out today (Saturday) when I was finally able to get the prescription filled.

Today has been awful. I picked up the script at the doctors and went to CVS to get it filled. At first they weren’t going to do it because the computer said I should still have more pills from my last fill. That is because the doctor that wrote it wrote the wrong dosage. Instead of one every 4 hours he made it 1 every 6 hours. Well I followed the 1 every 4 hours. Eventually I got that straightened out and got the pills but there was less than usually so I still have to call the doctor on Monday to find out why. Then we go to go on a family walk. Well Anthony keeps on kicking me seat so I tell him to stop, he doesn’t. So I tell him to stop or I will cancel the trip. So then Greg instead of backing me up says that we cant cancel the trip as they have done nothing fun all summer and that I am ruining the day just like I ruined the whole summer. So I get mad at him and want to go home. The children cry they want their hot dogs at this place that Greg promised them. We get there and I want to just walk home. Well then Greg won’t buy the hot dogs. So we get into a huge fight and end up making a scene with everyone staring at us! I just want to die and walk off by myself while he finally gets the stupid hot dogs.

I want to walk home, but again Greg says he has to drive me. While he is driving me home he tells me I act like a 17 year old just like someone told him I do. I want to know who but he won't say. Eventually he does tell me after a huge fight and crying. It was a friend that actually was saying that I look like I am 17, not act, it was a compliment not an insult but he twisted it around to make it that way. I get home and just want to be left alone. Again he just doesn’t get it. So eventually he takes the children to the park and I am left at home steaming. I just hate him now and wish I had never been so stupid as to marry him. I am upset about being sick. I am tired of taking meds. Tired of only seeing out of one eye. Tired of him making me feel guilty about not doing anything fun with the children. Tired of all this BS. Why can’t I just be happy?

Seeking help...

2008-08-20T09:52:00.001-07:00

I am finally seeing the Pulmonologist today at 5 PM. My mom and dad are coming over to watch the children so we can actually hear what the doctor has to say about the Sarcoidosis and my eye. I got a referral waiting for me at my primary doctor’s office. Greg will have to get it, as I still can’t drive with my eye all blurry. Greg actually suggested that I do go but again I reminded him that I really can’t see out of one eye and that probably isn’t a great idea. Ugh it is amazing how fast he can forget everything. I mean we are talking nanoseconds here. I had just reminded him about my eye and then he wants me to drive?

The children are tearing apart the sofa again. I just don’t know what they have against that sofa. Why take off all the cushions? It is filthy and I just can’t clean it at my state so it is just staying dirty. I have couch cleaner and everything but by the time everyone is ion bed I am out cold in mine. OK that sounded bad. Out cold from my illness and not you know booze or drugs (the fun kind that is) I have lots of the non-fun ones to take.

Last night I did the salt spell on my house. I went to every room with a salt shaker and opened up the window then I said:

Gods of the north, south, east and west, bless this room.
Winds of the north, south, east and west, cleanse this room
Lights of the north, south, east and west, fill this room with healing light.

Earth, Air, Fire, Water - bring peace, harmony and joy to this room
Salt cleanse this room
Air freshen this room
Let water and fire be used only for peace in this room.

The blessings of the Lord and Lady are upon this room. Let no evil pass nor exist here. I ask this in the name of the father, son and Holy Ghost amen.

I hope that gets rid of what ever is here with us. Something creepy is going on. Anthony keeps talking about his friend that he talks with. He says the boy told him to do this or that. He says the boy is in the house with us. I know that little children often get imaginary friends and that they are usually the same sex and age as the child. I know all that but I just in general have had a bad feeling since day one at this house. I have had the feeling something bad happened to a little boy here. I tried to do searches on Google, but came up with nothing. Hopefully the salt spell will work. My house is so messy now that I could not clean up the salt afterward so hopefully now we won’t get ants.

Greg was a piss. At first he said the whole thing creped him out and that I was scaring the children. Well I explained to the children I was doing a cleansing spell to rid the house of anything bad and they were OK with that. I think it helps that Disney has a show that they watch that is a sit com about a family of witches. So no satanic thing was going on in their heads. So I did all the rooms on the main floor (we have a ranch) and said I was done. Well Greg then told me that I should do the basement as well that the windows down there can open. So I guess he did a 180 on the whole creepy spell notion! So I did it down there too. I felt better going to bed. If my health doesn’t improve I will try to get some sage, a feather and something else I was supposed to get that I forget now.

Eye problems...

2008-08-19T13:14:00.000-07:00

keep taking the Percocet so the pain in my back and neck are not a problem. My eye is the biggest thing now. My right eye is still dilated because the med I take three times a day keeps it that way. It is supposed to speed up the healing. As a result my right eye is very light sensitive, achy, and blurred vision. I really only see with my left eye now. So now my lazy left eye that usually doesn’t do a thing is doing most the work and is complaining about that. I get tired easily. I have still been doing my blinkies and glitter names but they are harder to do and I am not really sure what they look like as to me they are all blurry. Hopefully they are not blurry to everyone else.

Lara and Anthony have been fighting all day so I had to yell at them. I feel like such a bad mommy to do that but they just won’t stop. Anthony took apart the sofa and living room so I put him in the cooler (AKA his crib) he is too quite there I have to check up on him. Yep too quite he moved the crib to the dresser and was playing with Lara’s stuff. Predictable? yes. I think I am going to plan my get away to Lisbon falls Maine now.
_________________

Eye Doctor...

2008-08-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am just getting so frustrated. OK so Greg says that the doctors need to see me to monitor me because of the meds. Simple solution for e is to just stop the meds. So we go to the doctor and I tell the doctor I can’t keep taking the meds if he has to monitor me and that my husband can’t keep taking off of work to take me there. The doctor says I have a serious disease and that I have to continue as my eye sight is at stake. Greg chimes in taking off work is no problem. (Total BS as he was kvetching about it yesterday that it was too much time) so he puts drops in my eyes and examines me, and send me home to continue the meds. We get back and I just want to throw up and die. Greg starts in again about having to go right back to work. Of coarse this is when Lara wets her pants and now Greg is mad that he has to change them, as I am lying on the bed sick yet again. Then to top it he has to make lunch, as they are hungry. He is just not a happy camper doing any of this and saying how much work he is missing. He eventually goes off and now I have to stay up to make sure the children don’t toss food all over the place.

This is just so bad. He says one thing at the doctors and another thing at home. He is Mr. Perfect Patient’s Husband there and the DH I know at home. UGH I just want to stop all of this. I am sick of looking like a psycho. I also can’t drive like this. The doctor casually says I will be like this for “a few weeks”. So I remind Greg. Who is going to turn in Lara’s CCD paper work so she can start preparation for her first holy communion? Who is going to take her to the doctors to get her physical so she can go to school? Who is actually going to drive her to and from school? All of this is going on during those not so important few weeks I have to continue with these stupid eye drops. Even if Greg will do it, which he actually has no choice he has to, I have to hear he complaints as if this is the ideal situation for me! Hello I am not the type to like this at all.

Sorry for the kvetch.

PayPal...

2008-08-18T05:13:00.000-07:00

Some have asked me how to use Paypal to pay as they have only used Paypal with auctions which have the automated invoices so here it goes.

If you do want to do this just sign into Paypal. Click on the tab “Send Money” . there you can type in my e-mail address (Jillian6@optonline.net) , how much you wish to pay in US dollars, and then click on “Services/others” and then “Continue”. You will then go to an invoice to confirm payment.

Again there is no pressure to do so. If I have made a blinkie or glitter name for you and you are so happy with it that you feel the need to support the artist than you can at Paypal.

Thank you in advance.

Giving up...

2008-08-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

I am reluctant to type because I am such a downer as of late. The positive thing is that with my friend Percocet I can eat my normal diet. That is just about the only positive thing going on.

At the eye doctor he is convinced it is Sarcoidosis that went into my eye and so wants to see me Monday. My eye is all blurry now. Yesterday after the appointment we went to the mall to get some cards for my nieces and eat. Well one eye was dilated and one was small so I looked like “Bill the Cat” or should I say “Jill the Cat”? I am pissed that Greg didn’t say anything. I mean I ordered pizza at a stand. The poor worker looked strange to me I had no idea what I looked like. I was with Anthony so no doubt he said a prayer for the poor baby boy that his psycho mom would not be mean to him.

I am just pissed at Greg too for making a stink in the middle of the night that I left the refrigerator door open (again). I mean WTF! I was fast asleep and comfortable and he wakes me for that? We are supposed to go to the theater picnic today but I just don’t feel like going. My vision is all blurry, and my right eye is still dilated. I also am now taking.:
 Every hour when awake
 Every two hours when awake.
 Every four hours, setting and alarm at night when asleep.
 Eye drop #3 –Three times a day.

So even if I went on the picnic my time would be spent taking meds. Lots of fun? I think not. At this point I think I am just going to get one thing after another until my body just gives up on me. I know that sounds bad but that is how I am feeling. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I feel like there is a voodoo doll somewhere just poking me all over and wanting me dead. I am not sure I can fight that off.

Ophthalmologist...

2008-08-15T21:11:00.001-07:00

I saw the Ophthalmologist today. The verdict isn’t final yet but the Ophthalmologist is leaning towards the Sarcoidosis. They dilated my pupils today at about 2 PM and my right eye still is dilated. It is now midnight and the stupid eye is still wide awake even though I am tired. Personally between you and me I think I look a bit like “Bill the Cat” Hmmmm............. Maybe that makes me “Jill The cat”? At any rate after the appointment we went to the mall to eat. I am now thoroughly pissed off at DH for not telling me how psycho I actually looked. I mean what in the world did that poor pizza worker think when I ordered the food? To boot I had my three year old on with me. Bet he said a prayer for the poor boy to be safe from the psycho mommy. So I am pissed at Greg for not saying a damn thing. He said e was afraid I would yell at him. WTF!? Thanks Hun, love you too! I just feel sick and that I am dying. I go from one thing to another. The only plus is that I was able to eat the pizza which I didn’t think I would. At this point I think this is just going to continue until I just fade away.

Eyes...

2008-08-15T06:21:00.001-07:00

My eye sight is very blurry today. Could only do a few things online.

My vision is really blurry in my right eye. The eye drops are keeping the pain away though so that is good. I am also hoping it is Iritis and not the Sarcoidosis spreading to my eye as it can do that. Greg is off yesterday and today and I was hoping to do something fun, but once again sicko mom blew that out of the water. I feel so guilty about that. I am ruining the summer for everyone. This just stinks.

Iritis...

2008-08-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

Went to the doctor I have a bad case of Iritis. So now I have two different drops to put in my eyes. I will go again tomorrow to get my eyes dilated so he can see if this is from the Sarcoidosis or not. He wanted to give my eye a day of the meds before trying that. So my luck is just not so good lately. If I was a horse they would have shot me by now. It is hard to read with this.

“The Summer of Sickness”...

2008-08-14T07:24:00.001-07:00

Today is not going so well. I have had some soreness in my right eye but today it hurts. I can barely keep it open and it is very red. So off to another "ologist" I go. This time it is an ophthalmologist. Can’t quite figure out how the Percocet is not doing anything for the pain. Should I be pain free with that? So at any rate once again I am too ill for the family to have any summer fun today. This is truly “The Summer of Sickness”

Tired...

2008-08-13T07:49:00.000-07:00

I really have to keep track of the Percocet and make sure I take it on time. Otherwise I am in pain. It is getting harder and harder to get up at 3 AM to take it but I have to or at 3:30 I am up and in pain. If I do take it late the pain lasts a while longer before the Percocet kicks in. I just don’t feel I am getting better. Yesterday my eye started to hurt. Now I feel as if someone punched me in the eye. I wish the doctor’s appointment wasn’t made so far away. I still have to wait until the twentieth to get answers.

Lara and Anthony have been awful. They are just too cooped up and restless. They argue all the time and yell at us. I yell at them and then everything hurts. It is just awful. I feel like a rotten mother at these times. Not to mention the house is filthy and looks like it belongs in the ghetto in some wretched garret. Greg has been helpful, but mostly he just complains that things are dirty. I just get tired easily still.